My Boring-Ass Life (Revised Edition): The Uncomfortably Candid Diary of Kevin Smith (46 page)

Wednesday 31 August 2005 @ 3:03 p.m.

I wake up and head to the bedroom office to check email, during which I watch both the end of
New Jack City
and
The Truman Show
. I say g’bye to Jen, who heads off to yoga, then take a shower and answer more email.

I spend an hour inserting scene numbers into a script, then print up a few for the burgeoning crew, during which I let
Monster-in-Law
play in the background.

I do an interview with Kate O’Hare for a TV insert cover story on
Veronica Mars
, during which I don’t have much to say about the show (as I’ve never seen it). We wind up talking about almost everything else going on in the TV biz instead.

Post-interview, I attempt to watch what I assume is a doc entitled
Confessions of an Adult Film Star
only to discover it’s not a doc at all, but instead soft core
porn. I turn it off after about ten minutes, because if I’m gonna watch people fuck, I’d rather see insertions and cum shots (gimme the “arching ropes of jism” as Bill Hicks would say) than simulated coitus.

I pick up Harley from camp, head over to Mr. Lee’s to pick up a new jersey, go home, play Groovy Girls Bingo with Jen and Harley, and say hi to Mewes, who’s returned from his Jersey jaunt.

I watch
Simpsons
on TiVo while Jen gets ready for Catherine McCord’s bridal shower. Since Byron and Gail are heading up to Big Bear with Jimmy and Eileen, I watch
Lilo & Stitch 2
:
Stitch Has a Glitch
with Harley when Jen leaves. Post-flick, I put Harley to bed then watch a British flick called
Dog Soldiers
while signing three boxes of DVD covers for the online Stash.

Post-
Dog
, I prep the bedroom with candles and toys in anticipation of Jen getting home. When she arrives, I welcome her home in the hallway and escort her into the den of lust, at which point she hits the bed and we bust out with the sex.

Post-coitus, we sit around jawing for half an hour, then climb into bed, falling asleep to
Simpsons
.

Thursday 1 September 2005 @ 3:04 p.m.

I wake up and take Harley to camp, picking up McDonald’s hash browns for the hung-over Jen on the way home. I take a shower, get dressed, toss Mulder in the car and shoot over to the
Clerks 2
production offices. There, I drop off scripts for Laura, pick up Scott, Dave, and Rat, and head out to the location where we meet James. Dave, Scott, Rat and I go through the entire script, running through all the exteriors, roughing out a shot-list of sorts for four hours.

We head back to the office where I drop off the guys, then I head home, talk to Steve (our electronics guy) for a bit, and chill out with Jen when she gets home from yoga. Jen heads out to grab Harley from camp and shoot over to the Grove for more school shopping, and I chill in my office, checking email and watching
St. Elmo’s Fire
. I head up to the dining room and sign a bunch of posters for the site, then update the online diary ‘til Jen comes home. We put Harley to bed, then chit-chat on the bedroom couch for awhile, after which we pop in the pilot for
Veronica Mars
.

Back before I did my stint on
Mars
, Dan Etheridge sent over the entire first season on discs, but I never got around to peeping ’em out. Big mistake. Because by midway through the pilot, Schwalbach and I are hooked, big time. We immediately watch the next two episodes before going to bed.

Friday 2 September 2005 @ 3:05 p.m.

I wake up after Jen’s left to take Harley to camp. When she gets home, we continue watching
Veronica Mars
, and I’m so in love with the show that I call Kate O’Hare back to amend the interview, singing the praises of
Mars
now that I’m halfway through season one. I IM back and forth with Dan Etheridge telling him how genius this show is, and asking all sorts of fanboy questions about the mystery of Lilly Kane’s murder (which, sadly, I already know the perpetrator of).

I get on the phone with Chap to talk about the new merch we’re planning, and Jen goes to pick up Harley and hit the food store on the way home. When she gets back, Jen feeds Quinnster then goes to yoga, at which point I take Harley and the mutts for a ride to the Valley, where we drop my new Shag print off at the framers and pick up the framed Monorail and
Reel Paradise
posters.

We pick up Koo Koo Roo for Quinnster, grab some burgers for the dogs from Carl’s Jr., and head home, where Jen puts Harley to bed, just as folks start arriving to play poker.

I play poker all night with Jen, Julie, Jay, Chay, Analiese, Miri, Judy, and Chappy. Post-midnight, Richard Kelly and some of his
Southland
mob join us, and I quiz Richard about the shoot thus far and my dailies in particular.

We play poker ‘til three in the morning, when Harley joins us upstairs, awakened by the racket. She hangs out for a bit, then Jen puts her to bed in our room.

We wrap up the game and I join Jen and Harley in bed, going to sleep around four.

Saturday 3 September 2005 @ 3:05 p.m.

I wake up around eleven and head downstairs to find Jen in Harley’s room, playing Groovy Girls bingo. I get dressed and head over to Quizno’s to get Jen a veggie sub and Harley a turkey sub Kid’s Meal. I bring the dogs with me and get them burgers at Wendy’s.

I come home and the girls start eating in the room, ‘til Reyna shows up, at which point Harley heads off to hang out with Reyna, and Jen and I spend the whole day in the bedroom, watching
Veronica Mars
.

Jay and Chay stop in, after grabbing Jen some In-N-Out. After our rave reviews, they take the first half of the
Mars
discs to watch downstairs.

Harley goes to Chuck E. Cheese with Reyna, then comes home around eight. We put her to bed, then finish watching out the rest of
Mars
season one.

This is, hands-down, the best show on television right now, and proof that TV can be far better than cinema. The cast is pretty uniformly excellent, and the dialogue crackles. Excellent characterization — even with the day-players — makes it the most engaging new show I’ve seen since
Degrassi: The Next Generation
, but the heart and soul of the show is the relationship between father and daughter, Keith and Veronica Mars.

The fact that Kristen Bell and Enrico Colantoni (“Those poor people...” from the severely underrated
Galaxy Quest
) weren’t Emmy nominated proves how fucking out of touch and useless the Emmy Awards are to begin with. The tender and witty repartee between these two wonderful actors makes you want to be a better parent. And a big shout-out to Jason Dohring’s Logan Echolls — a masterfully designed and performed nemesis whose twists and turns are always credible.

The show is basically an amalgam of some of the best TV ever produced, with each formula improved upon — chiefly, one clearly sees a
Twin Peaks
influence, with the year-long mystery surrounding the murder of party girl Lilly Kane. But whereas I always felt the brilliant
Twin Peaks
should’ve been a maxi-series, wrapping up the Laura Palmer murder in twelve episodes,
Mars
manages to thread the needle with the Lilly Kane murder so well, it never feels marginalized or played out over twenty-two episodes. And unlike
Peaks
, when the murderer is revealed and the storyline wrapped up in the final ep, it doesn’t feel like the show’s outlived its relevance; thanks to the crisp writing, the deft fleshing-out of the
Mars
universe and the endearing cast, you’re left wanting Veronica’s story to continue.

If you haven’t seen this show, good God, get your hands on the season one box set. Sadly, it arrives in stores a few weeks after the start of season two, so if you haven’t seen any of season one, make sure to TiVo season two’s first few eps, but don’t watch them, lest you spoil the amazingly plotted season one (however, I will say this: I was informed who the killer was before I even started watching
Mars
, and even so, it never took anything away from my enjoyment of the run).

In a lifetime of dedicated television watching,
Veronica Mars
is easily one of the five best shows I’ve ever dug.

After watching the seat-of-your-pants season finale, Schwalbach and I go to bed around one, as sated as if we’d been fucking for twenty-two hours, instead of simply watching a TV show.

Sunday 4 September 2005 @ 3:05 p.m.

I wake up around ten and head up to the pool deck, where I find Harley drawing, and Jen cleaning up the dog shit/watering her plants.

I take a shower and get dressed, and the ladies and I head over to the Valley to the Farmer’s Market/Street Fair they hold every Sunday at Ventura and Laurel. Harley hits the petting zoo then goes to the bounce house. Jen buys Harley a pair of skirts, after which we hit Big Five Sporting Goods, where Jen picks up some workout stuff, and I buy a set of baseballs.

We go to the Daily Grill, where the ladies dine, and I toss back an iced tea, then shoot over to the Yellow Balloon, the kids’ hair salon, where Harley gets a haircut.

The three of us head home, where I check email and the board. I call into Fan Boy Radio in Fort Worth and shoot the shit with Jim Mahfood for a bit, ‘til Jen has to leave for yoga.

Jen leaves, and Harley and I chill out in her room playing Groovy Girls bingo and Pick-Up Sticks. Harley does some pre-school-year homework, and then we retire to my room to watch
Clueless
for a while, ‘til it’s bedtime.

Harley and I chill out on the front steps for two minutes until Jen pulls up. I kiss Quinnster g’night, and head upstairs to check email.

After Jen puts Harley to bed, we watch TiVo all night, and play a game of Rummy. When Jen goes to sleep, I pop in some
Twilight Zone
s to go to sleep to.

Monday 5 September 2005 @ 1:39 a.m.

While Jen chills with Harley, I wake up and check email and the board, before calling the Mondrian to make reservations at both Asia de Cuba and the hotel itself.

Reyna, Kevin and Hans show up, and Harley heads off to play with them while Jen works out in the gym and I get through all my email. When she’s done working out, I tell Jen to get ready for our lunch date. We both shower, get dressed, and head over to the Mondrian.

I take Jen out to lunch at Asia de Cuba and we chit-chat. I down iced teas while Jen enjoys sushi and lobster rolls, and then I excuse myself to hit the bathroom, but instead check-in at the front desk and grab the keys to our single room. The guy at the front desk recognizes me and bumps me up to a suite instead.

The check comes and I pay with the house card they give you when you check-in, which surprises Jen. We head upstairs and lay around the bed for fifteen minutes, smoking and flirting. Then, the sex kicks in. The bed’s situated beside a large mirror, so we spend most of the hour-long session watching ourselves fuck.

We wrap it up, and lay around, talking, enjoying the peace and quiet. Then, we get dressed, head down to the Hustler store, grab some toys, and come back to the room, where we rent a porno and go for round two, incorporating the toys. An hour later, we get dressed, check out of our afternoon-long den of iniquity, and head back to reality at the house.

I climb into woobs and watch the
Metallica: Some Kind of Monster
documentary (such a great watch) while checking email and the board. Jen puts Harley to bed, and we chill out on the couch, talking about the doc and the week ahead. I go back to my office to finish up some email, then close up shop and join Schwalbach in bed, falling asleep to TiVo’ed
Simpsons
.

Tuesday 6 September 2005 @ 1:56 p.m.

Wake up, shower, then check email and the board. Get dressed, grab the camera and head downstairs.

Today’s the first day of first grade for Harley, so the whole family’s heading over to the school to see her off. I take a bunch of pics of Quinnster, then we pile into two cars and head over to school.

We take Harley in and re-meet her new teacher. I take some more pics in the classroom and then we take off. Jen, Byron and Gail take B & G’s car back to the house, and I head over to the Weight Control Center.

En route I call my Mom and talk to her for a while. Then, since I’m early, I pop into Office Depot and buy some odds and ends.

Afterwards, I head into the doctor’s. At the weigh-in, I’ve lost another seven pounds. I meet with the counselor, then pick up new shakes and take off. I shoot over to Laser Blazer for new DVDs, then head home.

I head upstairs and Byron snaps a quick pic of me by the grill, which I forward to Ming. Then, we launch the Auctions Askew benefit for the Hurricane Katrina victims.

Head back to the school with Jen to pick up Harley, who tells us all about her day. When we get into the house, a very excited Louis almost pushes Harley down the stairs, and tears ensue.

The family eats dinner upstairs, and since I’m not eating, I chill in my office, checking the auction, the board, and email. Post-dinner, Jen and I get into a spat. I head upstairs and talk to Gail and Byron for a while, then come back to the room and continue to spar with Schwalbach. After an hour, we kiss and make up, then pop in the
Buffalo Bill
season one and two DVD, to which we fall asleep

Wednesday 7 September 2005 @ 2:14 p.m.

Wake up, shower, and head to Harley’s school, where we drop off a bunch of her old toys and books and head to a meeting of first and second grade parents with the new Principal.

An hour and a half later, we head home, and I check email ‘til it’s time to work out with Larry. We do the dog walk, during which he tells me all about his week at Burning Man. We shoot back to the home gym and do legs (weights, squats, and lunges) for an hour. When we’re done, I climb into my woobs and bury myself in the home office most of the day, iChatting with Scott about
Clerks 2
stuff, including the A.D. choices. By day’s end, we hire the dude who’s gonna be the 1st A.D. for our seventh film.