My Boring-Ass Life (Revised Edition): The Uncomfortably Candid Diary of Kevin Smith (49 page)

It’s awesome hearing Brian and Jeff’s voices together again, at last. For the past week, I’ve been filling in the Dante stuff for Jeff’s and Trevor’s rehearsal, but I’m not fit to fill O’Halloran’s shoes. By the time we get to the car scene, the two are on fire, tearing it up in classic Dante and Randal style. The car scene, for me, is the highlight of the day, as it’s hysterically funny, envelope-pushing outrageous, and then suddenly resolves itself into something really touching. Listening to Bri and Jeff reminds me I made two brilliant choices way back in ‘93.

Trevor arrives and joins the read-through, slipping more and more comfortably into Elias’ particular patois. We wrap up the rehearsal close to eight and head back to Hollywood, dropping Brian off at the hotel on the way. Back at the house, Jeff heads off, and I head inside, finding Jen upstairs in the kitchen, making Harley’s lunch for the morning.

I climb into woobs, and Jen climbs into bed, falling asleep by nine thirty. I check email, watching TiVo’ed
Law & Order
eps, until I opt to head to my office, where I watch the new
Justice League
DVD. Afterwards, I finally crack open
Rats X
and give it a test drive, peeping the whole disc, end-to-end, ‘til two in the morning. I’m amazed at how good the extended cut looks, in terms of the extra footage. I’ve never seen that cut stuff taken through to the digital master stage, and I wasn’t really prepared for how clean it all finally looks.

It’s weird: for years, all that extra footage existed solely on a VHS in my office. Then, it finally saw the light of day on the first
Rats
DVD. Now, it’s been reintegrated into the flick, and actually color-corrected and finished.

And yet, that opening still stinks.

It reminds me of the more humble beginning of
Rats
, back before the “Julie Dwyer died in the YMCA pool” start, or the “I got a musket tangled in my girlfriend’s hair!” stuff. In the first draft, before the studio encouraged me to “open up” the start of the flick, to “make it bigger”, we launched the film on a much more subtle note.

From the original file, dated August 13th, 1994 (written before
Clerks
even opened in theaters), this was the OG opening of
Mallrats
...

INT GAME SHOW SET — COLLEGIATE SHOWDOWN

A simple set: a three-seater of contestants on either side of a podium, at which stands a HOST. The one side is labeled SETON HALL; the other side is labeled MONMOUTH. Seton Hall has 275 points; Monmouth has 260. A BELL rings.

HOST

That’s the one-minute bell which means this will be the final question. Monmouth has an impressivetwo hundred and sixty points, and Seton Hall is inthe lead with two hundred and seventy five — but that can all change with this next question, a twentypointer, which goes to the first team that buzzes in: Name the body of water of the Atlantic Ocean that isformed by the north coast of Spain and the westcoast of France.

T.S. slams his buzzer; a light goes off.

HOST

For Seton Hall — T.S. Quint!

T.S.

(urgently)

The Bay of Bisquick!

QUICK CUTS -

The Host’s face drops.
The team’s faces drops.
The opposing team’s faces drop.
The camera man’s face drops.
SVENNING’S face drops.
The small audience’s faces drop.
BRANDI’S face drops.
At home watching, BRODIE starts laughing.

BRODIE

Quint, you numbskull...

IN THE STUDIO

T.S.’ face begins to drop as he notices everyone else’s reaction.

T.S.

What? We win, right? What’s with the faces?

The Host shakes his head somberly.

HOST

Oh! I’m sorry, Seton Hall — that answer is... bizarrely

incorrect.

(to other team)

Monmouth, do you have the correct answer?

The Monmouth CAPTAIN is all smiles as he leans into his microphone.

CAPTAIN

Bay of Biscay.

HOST

Bay of Biscay is right, giving Monmouth twenty points, and making them the winners! Monmouth College wins the Collegiate Showdown!

The winners rejoice. The losers are stunned. Half of the crowd joins Monmouth on stage. And T.S. snaps out of his daze.

T.S.

That’s what I said.

(to team-mate)

I said Biscay.

TEAM-MATE

(shakes head at him)

No you didn’t.

T.S. looks at the other team-mate, who also shakes his head. He spots the Host and raises his hand.

T.S.

Excuse me... I said Biscay.

HOST

(all smiles)

No, you didn’t.

T.S.

(insisting)

No, I did. You asked for the name of the body of water that is formed by the north coast of Spain and the west coast of France, and I said “Bay of Biscay.”

HOST

No, you said “Bay of Bisquick.” I’m sorry. But we have some great parting gifts for your school.

T.S.

(moving from behind desk)

No, we get the grand prize. I said Biscay.

MONMOUTH PLAYER

(from other side)

You did not, you retard. You said Bisquick. Now sit back down and lose like a man.

T.S. glares at the Player and launches over his podium. His team-mates react. The Host moves to play interference. T.S. throws a round-house at the Player. He ducks and T.S.’ punch lands squarely across the jaw of the Host who falls down flat. The Player grabs T.S. from across his podium. T.S. pulls back hard to free himself and falls against a CAMERA. He catches himself on it and hangs there for a second — then falls forward with it. The camera slams against the ground with a resounding crash and lets out a great spark, followed by a puff of smoke. T.S. surveys his handiwork.

T.S.

Shit.

OPENING CREDIT SEQUENCE

with music, of course. But a few cards in we CUT TO...

INT T.V. STUDIO

C.U. on SVENNING as he screams at OC T.S.

SVENNING

... not to mention the goddamn camera! What are you?! Some kind of idiot?! No! Don’t answer that! You’ll probably get the answer wrong and knock over another piece of equipment!

T.S. finally gets a word in.

T.S.

Mister Svenning, I can pay the camera off over a couple years. It was an accident, I swear.

SVENNING

You’re the accident, you moron! You have no idea what you’ve cost me! But you’re right! You’ll pay for what you’ve done! Nobody fucks with Jared Svenning’s career and walks away clean! I promise you that!

Svenning storms away. The OPPONENT from Monmouth that T.S. lunged at walks by, holding the trophy with two beautiful girls on his arm. He stops and gives T.S. a sarcastic salute, then walks away. T.S. stares after him.

T.S.

Shit.

MORE CREDITS AND MUSIC

for a few cards, and then CUT TO...

INT T.V. STUDIO

C.U. on BRANDI, T.S.’ girlfriend. Or rather...

BRANDI

... We have to break up.

T.S. is in shock.

T.S.

WHAT?!?!

BRANDI

It’s just not working, T.S. And don’t think it was the bad answer and the camera. I just can’t date you anymore.

T.S.

But... but what about Florida? We’ve got an eight thirty flight!

BRANDI

We had an eight thirty flight.

(touches his face)

Goodbye, T.S.

She walks away. T.S. is flabbergasted.

T.S.

Shit.

MORE CREDITS AND MUSIC

for a few cards, and then CUT TO...

INT BUS — NIGHT

T.S. stares out the window. The MAN next to him talks incessantly.

MAN

So you’re heading home from college. Isn’t that something? I remember being in college. Best years of my life. Which one do you go to?

T.S.

(hardly paying attention)

Seton Hall.

MAN

Seton Hall. I saw something on the news about that place before I got on the bus. Now what was it?

(thinks)

Oh yeah. Some kid went crazy and took a machete to some game show host. He went to Seton Hall.

The Man looks at T.S. and suddenly recognizes him. He jumps up.

MAN

STOP THE BUS!! THIS GUY’S A WANTED MAN!!

T.S.

(nervous as hell)

No, no I just knocked over a camera.

MAN

HE KILLED A GAME SHOW HOST!!!

EXT HIGHWAY — NIGHT

The Bus skids to a halt at the side of the road. People pile out in droves.

INT BUS

T.S. throws his head back and stares at the ceiling.

T.S.

Shit.

FINAL CREDITS

INT BRODIE’S ROOM — DAY

BRODIE is sitting up in bed, but his eyes are closed. A girl’s form passes in and out of the frame, pulling on clothes. Brodie opens his eyes and tries to focus.

He looks at the OC girl and yawns.

BRODIE

What time is it?

RENE (OC)

Nine thirty.

So that was the version of
Rats
we wanted to make on a three million budget — an odd hybrid of indie and studio flick. There was some nice symmetry to the film in that draft, inasmuch as it opened and closed with game shows. But alas, the studio felt the opening was too “small”, and they asked me to create a “bigger” opening sequence. I came up with the Governor’s Ball thing, which they liked much more, and we wound up shooting... only to cut it after the initial, disastrous, unofficial test screening and re-shoot a different opening that was even smaller than the proposed College Bowl intro.

But after reading that aborted opening scene, one thing’s pretty clear to me: I tend not to let ideas die. The bus skid moment later showed up in
Dogma
.

Friday 23 September 2005 @ 11:29 a.m.

Wake up around 8:30, just as Jen’s getting back from dropping Harley off at school. We sit and chit-chat for a bit, then get into some rehearsal, which goes really well. Jen heads out to yoga and I answer email and check the board, while watching
Chasing Freedom
, a CourtTV made-for with Juliette Lewis as a lawyer trying to get an Afghani woman out of jail. After that, I start watching
Inside Deep Throat
, until it’s time to jump in the shower and head down to the office for rehearsal.

I get to the office to find Mewes playing Scrabble with one of his girl friends. As I head into the main room, Rosario Dawson’s coming through the front door, tissue to her nose. She’s got a cold, so Mewes runs out to Greenblatt’s to grab her some matzah ball soup.

We chit-chat in that getting-to-know-you fashion for a bit, until Brian shows up, rounding out the convo even more. Mewes returns with the soup, tries to flirt with the very taken Rosario a touch, then heads out, leaving us to finally rehearse.

Within two lines to one another, Bri and Dawson have me smiling ear-to-ear. There’s instant chemistry, and the two are bouncing off one another incredibly well: sweet, funny, touching — it’s all there. I’m in heaven.

Then, Trevor and Jeff show up, and after some chit-chat, the four leads launch into a near-read-through of the entire script (we skip the first few scenes and concentrate on Becky’s entrance forward).

As good as the boys have been in our previous rehearsal this past week, the introduction of a girl (a girl actress, to boot) suddenly enhances all three of their performances; ie — it seems like all three guys have ratcheted it up a bit. Brian’s taken a massive leap since yesterday, Jeff — who’s been camera-ready since Monday — informs today’s rendition of Randal with not just the big laughs, but also sincere pathos, and Trevor is now locked into Elias’ tone and mannerisms so completely, it’s a night-and-day difference between the actor and the role. And Dawson — gift from the acting gods Dawson — redefines the read-thru, by actually becoming Becky, raising a bar that’s well-met by Brian, Jeff, and Trevor.

Each of the guys are on point and flawless — so much so that I don’t even interject with direction/correction, speaking up only to cover the lines of cast that isn’t there. We could’ve shot that rehearsal and it would’ve been release-worthy, so excellent were the performances across the boards. Invariably, on every production, there comes a moment when the reality of what you’re doing — creating a fake world populated with people who don’t really exist — kicks in, and you know it’s time to start committing it to celluloid. For me, that moment was triggered in that room. It’s time to actually take
Clerks 2
from theoretical to film.

By five, I’m so happy with the read-thru that I break the rehearsal and let everyone go home early. Rosario hangs out, waiting for Roseanne to drop by to discuss wardrobe, and Brian and I sit around talking to her on the front porch of the office. She’s a totally cool chick — well-rounded and versed in a great many subjects, and incredibly friendly and real (any girl who can talk about her favorite moments in
Johnny, the Homicidal Maniac
gets a cool sticker in my book). Roseanne shows up and talks to Rosario for a few minutes, and then we say g’bye to Dawson, who’s off to
Killshot
next week.

Roseanne and I go over the pictures from Brian’s, Jeff’s, Trevor’s, and Zack’s wardrobe fittings, and I pick out what the boys will wear the entire flick. Mos shows up, and we chit-chat for a bit before I drop Brian off at his hotel and head home.

I get to the room, and Harley’s on our couch, drawing, while Jen wraps a gift for the birthday party Quinnster’s attending in the a.m. The pair relate the sick tale of Scully eating shit out of the toilet, so I start drawing cartoons about it, to the delight of Harley. An hour later, I put Quinnster to bed, head to the kitchen to make some program-approved cup-o-soup, and watch some TiVo’ed
Simpsons
while Jen talks to Brian O’s girlfriend Diana on the phone. When she’s done, we pop in
Swimming to Cambodia
, to which Jen falls asleep, and I sign another 250
Rats
DVD covers. At flick’s end, I pop on another TiVo’ed
Simpsons
to which I go to sleep.