My Heart Says Yes (2 page)

       We went to HuHot Mongolian Grill, my
second favorite Mongolian restaurant, since Mongo’s was now closed.  As we sat
across from each other, I was trying to figure out what I would say and the
best time to say it.  I didn't say anything about breaking up with him all
through dinner, and when the check came I could barely swallow because I knew
he would want me to go back to his place.  I didn’t want to hurt Jordan, but I
didn’t want to give him any false hope that we would have a future together. 
He insisted on paying for the check, and my knees were wobbly as we walked to
his car.  When we got to the car, Jordan stopped to turn and look at me and
held my hand.

       “These past almost two years have
been so great with you.  Honestly Emma, I have never been happier in my life.”

       When I saw him reach into his pocket
and pull out that little black box, I felt sick to my stomach.  And then when
he began to lower himself down to one knee everything started moving in slow
motion. 
No!  He’s not going to do what I think he’s going to do, is he?
I
had to stop him, I already felt bad enough since I was going to break up with
him.  I didn’t want him to feel hurt
and
humiliated.     

       “Jordan, please don’t.”

       He stopped in mid-air as his knee
was about to touch the ground and he had a puzzled look on his face.

       “I think I know what you are going
to do and I want to save you the embarrassment.”

       “Embarrassment?”

       I looked into his eyes and then
averted my eyes, nervously searching the ground.  I took a deep breath and made
myself look into his eyes.  “Jordan.  You know I care about you.  But...”

       “Uh oh, there’s a but.  This can’t
be good.”

       I saw the sad look fall over his
face as his eyes desperately searched mine for understanding.

       I grabbed his hand.  “I just want to
be honest with you.  I really do care about you, but we are going in two
completely different directions.  I just don’t think we have what it takes to
make it long term, we want completely different things.  I know this might be
hard to hear right now, but in a few weeks, or maybe months, you will be able
to look back at this and realize that what I am saying is true.  There is
someone out there who is perfect for you and it’s just not me.”

       He stood there, looking sad, stunned
into silence, and then I saw his face change.  His sadness turned to disbelief,
and then I saw nastiness consume his face as he snatched his hand away. 

       "Wait a minute.  Are you
serious right now? 
You
are breaking up with
me
? 
Are you
kidding?
  In what screwed up universe do you think that you would
ever
find someone better than me Emma?
  You
are lucky that I have even given
you the time of day!  Do you know how many girls I had to turn down because I
was dating you?  I'd like to see you do better than me.  I overlooked your
extra weight and mousy looks because I loved you.  But you know what Emma? 
That extra weight that you carry around will only turn into more weight as you
get older.  And who will want you then?  You just lost the best thing that ever
happened to you.”

       I was completely shocked.  Never in
the nearly two years we had been dating had Jordan ever spoken to me like
that.  You would think that my initial reaction to his hurtful words would be
to well up with tears and try to hold them back from spilling down my cheeks,
but it was quite the opposite.  This is how I knew I was completely over
Jordan.  Instead of feeling hurt by his words, I was pissed and I let him have
it.

       "Listen you self-righteous,
arrogant, son-of-a…”. 
Pull it together Emma, try to remain calm.
  I
took a deep breath so that I could convey my words with some semblance of
intelligence rather than using a string of profanity.  "After all of the
time we've spent together, including spending time with each other's families,
you look like a real ass right now.  Stooping to trying to hurt me with
comments about my weight and looks? 
Really Jordan?
  How pathetic.  All
you did just now, saying all those nasty things to me, is confirm that I made
the right decision about us.  Someone who really loved me would never speak to
me like that, and I would never want to be with someone who would stoop to that
level.  Now that you're a free man, maybe you should go look up one of the
many
girls that you had to turn down because you were dating me. 
See ya
!" 

       I spun on my heel and walked back to
the restaurant, glancing once behind me to see Jordan staring at me in
disbelief.  It sucked that it had to end like that, but it felt really good to
let him see that his words did not affect me.  I had the restaurant call a cab
for me and, as I stood outside waiting, I felt like I could finally breathe and
I was ecstatic that the uncomfortable conversation was over.  I had to admit, I
was happy to put that whole relationship behind me so that I could look forward
to my future.

       As I was sitting in my dorm room
later that night, I thought about Jordan’s reaction and I had to admit I was a
bit surprised by his nasty outburst.  The more I thought about it, the more I
realized that Jordan was not so much upset that I broke up with him as he was
that I probably ruined his life plans.  To Jordan, I fit perfectly into his
family picture because I came from a prominent, well-known family in the state,
I was smart and I was at least fairly attractive.  That was the ideal woman for
him and his political ambitions, especially with us being college sweethearts. 
He used to make comments about how his constituents would eat that up and how
it would help him win any election, any time.  As I thought about how I had just
avoided what my life could have been, I sat on my bed and smiled.  

       The next weekend Katie and I went
home to visit our parents and I had to break the news to my mom that Jordan and
I had split up.  I knew she was going to be devastated, but I was sure that she
had probably already talked to Jordan’s mom, so she probably already knew, and
my dad would most likely not say very much.  He never seemed all that
interested in anything I had to say and I just had to constantly remind myself
that he did love me even though he rarely showed it.  Now with Katie, he was a
completely different story, he absolutely adored her.

I glanced across the
table to see my father beaming as he listened to my sister tell us how she was
the star student in her English Lit. class.  The twins were having dinner at
their friend’s house so they weren’t with us that night.  We were just
finishing dinner when my dad wanted to know all about how Katie’s semester was
going.  It really should not have bothered me because I got straight A’s in all
of my classes, and I was going to graduate summa cum laude from my university
in a week, but it did.  Even with all of my accomplishments my father never
looked at me the way he looked at Katie, she was clearly his favorite. 
Whenever I would say something to my mother about how I felt that dad didn’t
love me as much as he loved Katie, Christine and Brielle she would just give me
a generic parental speech saying that he loved all of us equally.  Even as she
said it, I don’t know that she really believed it, but I just let it go because
I didn’t want to make my mom uncomfortable.  That was me, never really rocking
the boat and always making sure that everyone else was okay.  As Katie
continued on, I just listened and vowed that one day I would see my father
beaming at me in that same way. 

            Katie was
done telling her story and we were getting ready to wrap up dinner when she
made a point to acknowledge me.

“We didn’t ask Emma how
her semester is going.  Dad, don’t you want to know how she’s doing also?” 
Katie knew that I felt that my dad ignored me sometimes, and it was sweet of
her to encourage him to show interest in what I was doing.

“Oh we already know that
Emma is doing well, she always does, don’t you sweetheart?”  My dad looked at
me and winked and barely waited for my answer before he asked my mom what we
were having for dessert.

I was going to let it
slide but I decided to speak up this time. “Actually I do have some news to
share.  Jordan and I broke up last week.”  I looked over at my mom who tried to
appear surprised but I could tell that she already knew.  My dad shot me a look
of disappointment and that surprised me.  Suddenly he was very interested in
what I was saying.

“What happened Emma?” 
What should have sounded like parental concern, sounded more like an accusation
coming from my dad.

I was a little taken
aback by his harsh tone but I answered him anyway.  “We just want different
things and I didn’t think we had what it takes to make it long term.  Besides,
I am moving to Chicago and I would hardly ever see Jordan and that would not be
fair to him.”

My dad narrowed his eyes
as he looked me up and down, well, what he could see of me sitting at the table. 
He had never done that and I felt extremely uncomfortable because I could tell
that he was very upset. 
Why is he so interested in my life all of a sudden,
and why is he so angry?

“Emma, it was
your
idea to break up with
him
?  Do you have any idea what you have just
thrown away?  What I am going to say may sound harsh but I’m telling you this
because I love you and I want this to help you.  Honey, you don’t have a lot of
guys coming around for you like your sisters do, and you never did.  Maybe if
you took care of yourself a little bit better and exercised, things would be
different for you.  Jordan comes from a fine family and he is a wonderful young
man who I think was probably the best that you’re going to be able to do. 
Think about it, do you really think that you are going to meet someone like him
again?”

If it had been possible
for my jaw to literally hit the floor then it would have because I was totally
flabbergasted.  I could not believe that my father had just said these things
to me. I looked across the table at my sister who sat there stunned and my
mother who sat there oblivious to what it just happened. My mother always
backed him up, no matter what he did so I couldn’t really expect her to do very
much. But still, it hurt and it hurt really badly.  I felt tears welling up in
my eyes and excused myself from the table so that I would not break down in
front of them.  I heard my sister yell at him as I walked away.

“Daddy!  Why did you
just say that to her?  If she broke up with Jordan then there’s a really good
reason for it!  Don’t you think that Emma knows what is best for her?  I can’t
believe you would say those hurtful things to her!”

I went back to the
dinner table because I wanted to stand up for myself for once.  My father made
little comments like that all my life and I always just took it, but not this
time.  This time I was going to speak up and I was sure both he and my mother
were going to be shocked.

My mother looked at me
and I could tell that she felt bad because she could see that I was hurt. 
“Emma darling, your father didn’t mean any harm by what he said, he was just
trying to point out that Jordan is a wonderful young man and you should be sure
that you are not throwing away your future.” 

She smiled at me and I
could see the sincerity in her eyes.  My mom was sweet but could be so
oblivious at times.  I looked at my dad and did my best to hold my tears at bay
as I told him how I felt. 

“Dad, you have no idea
what it is like for me to be a part of this family.  I love you guys but I walk
around feeling like the ugly duckling, and your words…your words…do you have
any idea how that made me feel?  You really hurt me.  Is that what you wanted,
to hurt your daughter?!  Jordan is not the great guy you think he is, Jordan is
on the political track and I just happened to fit nicely into his plan.  He
didn’t care about me as a person, he cared about how I helped his image.  I am
moving to Chicago at the end of the summer and I hope that you will be happy
for me, if you love me, you will be happy for me.”

My dad just sat there
and didn’t say anything and, at that point, that was fine with me.  I was tired
of his constant belittling and my mother’s continued, although unintentional,
support of his behavior.  She never stood up to him and she always made excuses
for him and it was almost time for me to get away from them and live my own
life.  No more doing what other people thought was best for me.  I loved my
parents but I didn’t want to be around them anymore.  A huge chapter of my life
was closing and I was ready for whatever came next. 

I excused myself from
the table and I went to my room, lay down on my bed and daydreamed about the
day I was going to move out.  I just had to make it through the summer and then
I would be off, moving to the city to start my new life.  I must have been
lying there with a goofy grin on my face because Katie asked me what was so
funny.

“Oh, I didn’t see you
standing in the doorway.”  I sat up and told her she could come in.

Katie sat on my bed next
to me and put her hand on my knee.  “Don’t let dad get to you Emma.  He’s very
old-fashioned and he doesn’t realize how hurtful his words can be.  I really
don’t think he meant those nasty things he said to you.”