My Paper Heart (20 page)

"I mean, this is probably too much info, but it was during oral sex and I'm thinking maybe he just thought it was a reflex or something."

"Honey." She grabbed my hand. "No time a woman ever says 'I love you,' is it a reflex."

"I know." I took a deep breath. "But I don't know what I'm supposed to do. It's been out there for a while and he hasn't said anything!"

"Hmmm." Dina took another bite of her sandwich. "That is a tough one." She said it with a mouthful.

"I know! That's why I am sitting here with you, at the bowling alley, and asking you what I should do."

"Well honey." She took a sip of her drink, clearing her throat. "I don't think I am the best one to be asking advice about love. You know my wrangling with it."

"I know Dina." I took another quick bite of pizza. "And that's one of the reasons I came to you. You had to have told Jackson you loved him at some point, and it had to have been reciprocated."

"That was a long time ago." She took a bite of her sandwich.

"Yeah, but I know you remember it. How did you tell him you loved him?" I leaned in closer.

"He actually said it first." A small smile crossed her lips.

"We started dating when I moved back into town. I was always a small town girl. I knew I would move back to Elsbury as soon as I graduated. Got a job at the antique shop and thought my life was set. Then out of the blue Jackson and I started talking. We were actually in a bowling league here that first summer I was back."

Dina nodded her head toward the lane before taking another sip of her drink.

"Anyway, after about the second night of bowling he asked me out on our first date and then we were inseparable. Like peanut butter and jelly," she mused.

"I do remember the first time I told him I loved him." Her eyes met mine, for what seemed like the first time all day.

"Really?" I almost choked on a mouthful of pizza.

"Yup." She nodded. "We were out on a Sunday morning, very early, fishing. It was about six a.m. and we had just rowed out. I was baiting my line when he just looked at me smiling. He then told me that he loves a girl that baits her own reel. I smiled, you know, thinking nothing of it. Then when I caught that first fish it was when he said that he loved me. Of course, I said it back right away, not knowing it would last another two and a half years and an almost engagement."

She looked down at that last part. That smile quickly escaped her face as she hastily stuffed it with her sandwich.

"I wish Blaine could have just said it first," I muttered taking a big bite of pizza.

"I'm sure it's not easy for him to say it, honey. He can act like the big, strong guy in his big truck all he wants, but you know Blaine. He's just a big softy and he does things when he wants." She nodded taking a bite of her sandwich.

"I mean, I guess you're right." I took a sip of my soda. "I mean, we didn't sleep together until he wanted to. Maybe he's just waiting for the right time to say it back. But don't you think he would have done something by now? It’s been like a week."

Dina took a hard swallow of her sandwich. "Well then maybe you should just say it again and see what he does?  You know get that whole romantic setting going and then see what he does. No orgasms scream, just say it, right to his face. You know, look him the eye." She pointed at me as she said
eye
.

I nodded. "You know you're right. That's what I gotta do." I smiled, leaning back in my seat. "You're so smart Dina."

"I know." She laughed and I joined her. It was the first time I had actually laughed in a while, and I knew that I was going to do it. I was just going to get the balls and tell Blaine that I loved him…again…

Chapter 22

It was a Sunday, we were leaving for Chicago the next morning. Blaine's parents didn't mind that he missed church that morning when I came to help him pack, or distract him.

"Now baby, how am I supposed to concentrate on what to pack when you are lying on the bed like that?"

Blaine was on the floor in front of his bed, kneeling down at an old black suitcase. It was simple enough to pack as a guy: t-shirts, underwear, and socks. But somehow we convinced his parents it was important that I was there to help him finish packing. I was laying on his bed, flat on my stomach, my freshly-shaven legs dangling in the air.

I wouldn't say I was in the best shape, but the Louisiana sun had tanned my legs beautifully, making them a nice golden shade. Since I hadn't been, well, praying to the porcelain god, the color was definitely back in my cheeks.

"I'm just trying to direct you how to pack." I smiled, pointing a freshly manicured nail toward his suitcase.

"No." He leaned in placing a light kiss on my lips. "You are being a distraction."

"Is that a bad thing?" I pouted out my bottom lip.

"Well." He slowly stood up, making his way over to the bed. "I think you’re the best damn distraction I ever had."

I pulled him down on top of me, and before we knew it, we were naked, entangled in each other. I was thinking this had to be some sort of a sin, sex while we should have been at church. But after the first orgasm, that was the farthest thing from my mind.

He finished quickly, but stayed there hovering over me. The sweat beaded on his forehead and he never took his eyes off of me. He rested on his elbows, leaning back.

I knew this was my chance. I looked into his eyes and ran my fingers through his hair.

"I love you."

There was no way he could deny it, or pretend like he didn't hear me. He was looking right back at me. Hell, he was still in me.

And yet he said nothing. He just pulled out of me and stood up, turning his back to me while he pulled off the condom, tossing it into the trash near his bed.

"Um?" I sat up, and patted him on the shoulder. "Do orgasms make you deaf?  Or did you just not hear me?"

"No, I heard you." His back was still to me while he grabbed his boxers and shorts, sliding them on.

"And yet, you have nothing to say?" I was still completely naked, rising from the bed and putting my hands to my hips.

"Baby..." He exhaled deeply and put his shirt on, finally turning toward me.

"Baby what?" I stomped to the end of the bed, snatching my panties and shorts. "I've told you that I love you twice, and you have just said nothing!"

My fingers fumbled as I tried to put my bottoms on. I was starting to get angry and my mind was not working with my fingers.

He sighed and slowly stepped toward me. "Libby…"

I stepped back when I finally got my shorts buttoned. It was hard to argue standing there shirtless, so I crossed my arms over my chest.

"Libby what?  Let me hear what you got to say for yourself!"

He sighed again, covering his face with his hands. He was became a pro at the sighing thing. "That's not just a word I want to throw around, Libby."

"So if you tell me you love me it's just throwing a word around?  You don't mean it?" I put my hands back on my hips, taking a step toward him.

The truth was that I loved Blaine, no matter how much he made me mad. Even at that exact moment, I was still crazy about him. I loved the way he stared me down with those big blue eyes, every time I saw him, especially all of his sun tanned body, I couldn't help but smile. It hurt more than anything that this person, that I had so many feelings for, couldn’t say anything back.

He put his hands up and out in front of him. "Whoa, that's not what I am saying, Libby."

"Then what are you saying, Blaine?" I was trying to fight back tears and I slid on my tank top.

"Libby." He tried to grab my hand, but I pulled away. "You know I care about you, hell I wouldn't be going to Chicago with you if I didn't. I wouldn't have given up smoking, or took every lunch hour I had, to be with you."

I stopped fiddling with my shirt and looked straight at him. For once his steel blue eyes didn't scare me or entice me, and I just looked right through them.

"But do you love me, Blaine?"

He looked away and sat down on the bed, putting his face in his hands. "I don't know." He glanced up at me, his eyes intensely blue.

 "I care about you a whole lot, Libby. You are an amazing girl. You make me happier than I have been in a long time."

"But." I took another step forward so that I was right in front of him. I looked down, hands folded across my chest. "Do you love me?" I over-enunciated every word.

He didn't answer. He didn't even look at me. I wiped my eyes with the back of my hand as the tears started to form. "Well, I guess I have my answer."

He didn't say anything, he didn't even follow me as I walked down the stairs. I didn't look back as I ran from his house all the way back to Aunt Dee's. By the time I got there I was soaking wet, partly from sweat and partly from sobbing almost the whole way home. I had to stop so much, since my tears were blurring my vision.

By the time I got home it had been almost half an hour since I had left Blaine's. My purse was sitting on the porch. A small note scribbled out on a piece of notebook paper sat on top of it with a simple note reading,
call me
.

I crumbled up the piece of paper and threw it away once I got inside. I didn't call him and he didn't call me that night. I went to bed still in tears.

Chapter 23

The flight for Chicago left New Orleans at eight a.m. Since it was always a mess to get through the airport, we had to leave the house at four just to make sure we got there in time.

Blaine was supposed to be at the house by three, and with him always being early I expected him there at quarter till. By the time three o’clock rolled around, he still wasn't there. I didn't call him the night before and he didn't call me.

Three fifteen hit and Aunt Dee was getting nervous. But I still sat there on the porch swing, waiting for his truck to pull in the driveway, and for everything to be all better. I thought it would be like that night after the Fourth of July. He would just show up at my door, kiss me, and make everything all right. But this time it didn't happen.

At four fifteen Aunt Dee told me we couldn't wait anymore. She assured me that maybe he was planning on meeting us at the airport, and he overslept or something. She said I should try calling him again, but I still couldn't bear to do it. I didn't even want to hear his voice on his voicemail, so I sent one single text.

Leaving. I love you and hope that you show up at the airport.

∞

We rode almost in silence to the airport. It was just Aunt Dee and I. She didn't ask any more questions about Blaine, and I was so grateful for that. After my bags were checked and she had to leave me at the terminal, we both looked around one last time. We both knew what we were looking for. It was six-thirty. We would be boarding in about an hour and Blaine still hadn't arrived, or returned my text.

"Well Libby…I have to get going…I have to get to the shop…"

Her green eyes were looking all around instead of right at me. I knew what she was thinking, what she was praying. She hoped that Blaine would show up. I half-wondered if she was hoping he would show up more than I did. But she didn't ask anything more about him. She didn't even bring him up. She just finally looked right at me and smiled a tight lipped smile.

"I know Aunt Dee. I will call you when I get home and promise to be back next Sunday."

I reached down and hugged her. At full height she came just below my chest, so I had to lean in a lot to make it an actual worthwhile hug. I almost felt comfort in her smell now. The smell of Spanish moss and sweat didn't bother me as much as it did that first night. It lingered like a memory. I never thought I would fall in love in Louisiana, with a person or with the area itself, and it was like leaving home all over again to go back to Chicago.

At seven-thirty they called for final boarding. I looked around the airport again, hoping maybe Blaine would come running. He would put his arms around me and envelope me in his arms. Telling me that he had overslept and he was so sorry, and then finally say those three little words.

But none of that happened.

I took a deep breath and made one last call, before boarding the plane, it went straight to voicemail.

Hey it's Blaine, obviously I can't come to the phone right now, so do what you gotta do at the beep.

His voice seemed so far away. It was like I was underwater and he was just standing over me, trying to get my attention. But I couldn't raise my head above it and was just treading below.

I didn't know what to say in the voicemail. Hell, I didn't even know what I would have said if he would have picked up. So I wiped my eyes and put on a fake smile, leaving the only message I could think of.

"Hey It's Libby. Um, boarding the plane now. Hope to see you in Chicago. Um, yeah, bye."

I turned off my phone and boarded the plane, situating in my seat for the ride back to Chicago. Back to a life where I didn't know who I was: Big Bird, sorority princess, or just Libby. In a few short hours I would find out.

∞

My sister, Beth, and I were kind of like Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito in the movie
Twins
. She was flawless. She had long blonde hair that was wavy and not frizzy, like mine. Her height didn't gawk people, she was petite, with a face and chest that most women spent thousands of dollars at the plastic surgeon to get.

When I saw her at the terminal gate she looked more radiant than ever. I think she was one of the few people who I could say that married life had been good to. Last year she had married her longtime boyfriend, Ben, who was almost 10 years her senior and an established chiropractor in the city. Needless to say, he spoiled her rotten. Working as a kindergarten teacher was almost a hobby, since she really didn't need to work. Even at five years older than me, people still always thought she was my younger sister.