My Teenage Dream Ended (26 page)

I had been trying to get benefits for Sophia from Social Security, so I had reached out to Derek’s sister. I needed someone from his family to supply a DNA sample to compare with Sophia’s. If it was a match then I would be able to prove that Derek was Sophia’s dad and she would be entitled to Social Security benefits. I hoped that since she was a new mom, too, that his sister would relate to where I was coming from and help me get Sophia’s benefits.

At first, I was worried it would be hard to get her to commit to helping me. But once my lawyer contacted her she agreed to meet with me and provide the sample.

A few days later we got together at a park near the testing center, so she could meet Sophia and then come with me to do the DNA testing. The MTV crew was there to film it for season two of
Teen Mom
. It was very emotional seeing her. This was the first time since Derek’s death that I had seen anyone from his family. She brought her daughter and an album with photos of Derek for Sophia.

She told me that she had talked to Derek before he died and that he had told her that he had planned to be there for me after the baby was born, no matter what. That I was his first and only love and that, even if the baby wasn’t his, he was going to be there for me. I felt so sad hearing that. My one big regret is that I never got to hear him say those things to me himself before he died.

As much as I wanted to have a relationship with Derek’s sister, for Sophia’s sake, eventually it got too awkward because she was always trying to talk me into letting her mom be around if we were going to meet up. I gave her my number to give to her mother and I said that if her mom wanted to see Sophia she could call and talk to me about it directly.

After that, Derek’s mom and I texted back and forth a couple of times, trying to arrange a time for her to meet with me and Sophia, but every time I suggested a meeting she had some reason that she couldn’t make it. I was worried that she was just playing games and decided to send her a text letting her know that I didn’t want her in my life or my daughter’s life.

I thought that would be the end of it, so I was taken completely by surprise when I got served with papers from her, suing me for visitation rights to Sophia. I had a hard time believing she genuinely wanted to be a part of Sophia’s life.

I decided that I didn’t want her seeing Sophia. I wanted to fight her lawsuit. So I got a lawyer, and a court date was set. On the appointed day, I went to the courthouse and waited in the hall with my mom for the outcome of the hearing. My lawyer told me that, in order to win the case, Derek’s mom would have to prove that I was an unfit mother and that she already had a relationship with my daughter. If she could prove those things, then she would have the right to force me to let her see Sophia. I didn’t see how she could prove it, though. She had never had a relationship with my daughter.

Still, at the courthouse, I was nervous. After waiting for thirty anxious minutes, my lawyer came out of the courtroom and told us that I had won. I was so relieved to be able to put the whole thing behind me. Then I had my lawyer take all the information from this court case and send it to the Social Security office. With that evidence, and the DNA test from Derek’s sister, which proved with 99.65% accuracy that he was the father, I was able to ultimately get survivor benefits for Sophia.

I just wanted Sophia to be able to get her benefits. The whole thing had been dragging on for almost a year by this point and I just wanted to get it over with so I never had to deal with Derek’s mom ever again.

MOVING FORWARD

Meanwhile, I still had to finish my last quarter of school and I was more stressed out than ever. I was torn between wanting to work hard and feeling like I just wanted to get it over with so I could spend more time with Sophia. I felt like I was constantly playing catch-up in both areas of my life.

I had always thought that I would have my college degree before I had a baby. Things hadn’t worked out that way, but I still desperately wanted to get my degree so that I could keep moving forward
with
Sophia. I was terrified of being left behind or finding myself stuck where I was for the rest of my life.

Even though my goal was now within reach, this was a real low point in my life. I felt suicidal when I thought about how my life had turned out. Nothing had worked out like I had dreamed it would in those early days with Derek. Instead of us going off to college together, moving into our own place, getting married and living happily ever after, Derek was gone and I was

raising our child on my own— and I was only nineteen!

On top of that I had been fighting with my parents at home and with Derek’s mom in court. All I wanted was to be able to give Sophia a happy childhood, but up until now it had been filled with legal battles and arrests. I felt like we would never be able to live normal lives.

Those last couple of weeks of college were hard. I was overwhelmed from the stress of the court case with Derek’s mom, dealing with Derek death, and not being able to spend as much time with Sophia as I wanted. Sometimes I would just break down and start crying in the middle of class. I would have to take time-outs during the day. I was an emotional wreck.

I actually messed up so badly on my A La Carte Cooking final that I had to retake it. I was supposed to make the meal, set it up, and fire it out to the table, but my biscuits were horrible and my meat was overdone. I felt like my mind was so clogged up by stress that I couldn’t remember how to do the simplest things. Two days later, as I was driving to school to retake the final, a song came on the radio that Derek and I used to listen to, back when we were happy, before all the fighting and lying started. It made me remember how good life seemed back then. Instead of feeling sad, it got me thinking about how good life could be again. It helped me pull myself together and focus enough to get through the final.

At this point, it became clear to me that I needed help processing everything I was going through. I realized for the first time that I had never properly grieved Derek’s death. I had been bottling up my emotions because I needed to be strong for Sophia. Now it was time to really deal with my feelings about losing Derek and how my life had turned out.

Being thrust into adulthood—not to mention the public eye—so abruptly had been traumatic. I barely recognized my life anymore. One minute I was a sixteen-year-old cheerleader in a rocky relationship, the next I was a single mother and reality-TV star.

I started going to counseling. It was good for me to be able to talk to someone impartial who could guide me through difficult situations and set me straight when I was wrong. Having this outlet helped me process all the traumatic changes in my life—getting pregnant, losing Derek, and becoming a teen mom. It helped me deal with the bad feelings that came from my insecurities and struggles with motherhood.

I still go to counseling to help me stay on track and process my grief. I want to stay positive and not be sad around Sophia. I want to truly enjoy what the world has to offer. It’s an ongoing process and I’m not ashamed to admit that I need help dealing with being a single mom.

In the end I worked through my finals, passed, and graduated with my Associate’s Degree. I was both happy and relieved to be able to end that chapter of my life. I felt like now I could move forward and continue my education, but at a regular speed so that I could really enjoy it, and enjoy my child as well.

After I graduated, I started thinking back to what it was I had wanted to do before I got pregnant. I had always wanted to go away for college, and I realized that this was something I could still do. I had always dreamed about being in my twenties, living on my own and not having to answer to anyone, but going to college also meant so much more than that—it was about freedom and being part of something bigger than what I had known in my hometown.

I remembered a time when I was a sophomore in high school and a representative from the Minneapolis Art Institute came to give a talk in my computer class. I remembered the feeling I had when she spoke about going off to college. I found myself taking what she had to say much more seriously than I had expected. There was a whole world out there and I was hungry to be part of it.

So I did some research into places where I could get a bachelor’s degree in Culinary Management. I considered a bunch of different schools in different states, but in the end my first choice was the Art Institute of Fort Lauderdale in Florida. I wanted a warm place. I was tired of the cold. Sophia and I needed sunshine and warmth in our lives, for a change.

THE SUNSHINE STATE

When I got the news that I had been accepted to the Art Institute of Fort Lauderdale, I was elated. Finally, Sophia and I would have the chance to spread our wings and begin a new life together. We could leave behind the stress of teen motherhood, losing Derek, and battling with his family and mine. This would be our new beginning.

The only hitch was that I still had to break the news to my parents. I wasn’t sure how they would feel about Sophia and I moving so far away.

Surprisingly, when I first told them about my plans, they were happy for me, but then it sunk in that I was moving soon and I was taking Sophia with me. After that, it became a struggle with them.

They worried about me moving so far away with Sophia and argued that it would be too stressful being on my own, with no one to help watch

Sophia. They reminded me of all the issues I had had in the past with babysitters. My mom wanted me to leave Sophia with her, while I went to school. I resented that it felt like she was challenging my ability to make the right choice with Sophia and it became a source of tension in the lead up to my move.

As much as I tried to understand how hard it was going to be on her to be so far away from Sophia, I needed her to understand that
I
was the parent and the best place for Sophia to be was with
me
. I had them come with me to counseling so we could work through our issues and, in the end, we were able to work through the conflict without a lot of drama.

Of course, it bothered me that my parents didn’t seem to think I could handle the situation, but instead of letting it consume me I decided to use it as motivation to prove to them, and everyone else, that I could handle being on my own. I’d made mistakes in the past, but I had learned from them. I was strong enough now to take care of myself and my daughter
.

Because of all resentment I was having towards my parents, at first, I couldn’t feel much sadness about moving. I just wanted to put every bad thing that had happened to me over the past couple of years behind me. I was ready to move forward and be on my own with Sophia. But as the day for me to leave got closer, I let my guard down and started to feel sad.

I realized that my parents had gone through a lot over the past couple of years, just like I had, and when they complained or gave me a hard time it was their way of dealing with it all. I knew they really loved me and Sophia so I was sad that they wouldn’t be right across the street from us anymore and wouldn’t be there to watch Sophia when I went to school anymore. We agreed that, no matter what, if I felt overwhelmed when we moved, Sophia could stay with them while I got settled.

MOVING DAY