My Teenage Dream Ended (27 page)

My dad helped me pack
up all my things from my mom’s house, while my mom watched Sophia. With a lot of heavy lifting and long sweaty hours, we moved everything out in one day.

I was really grateful for their all their help. Yes, it’s still hard for me being around my parents at times, but our relationship is improving from when I was a teenager who had no clue what the world really was like, and they were an unhappily married couple who allowed stress to get the better of them. Now, instead of fighting and lashing out at each other, we are learning that when we disagree we can have a real conversation and work through our problems as adults.

Moving to Florida
was crazy time, and I was glad my parents were there for me. I had to fly to Los Angeles to do a Public Service Announcement with the other Teen Moms as part of our work with MTV to help prevent teen pregnancy, so Sophia stayed with my mom for a week and my dad got stuck driving my car and a trailer full of my stuff to Florida all by himself. He made it all the way from Iowa to Florida in two days. By the time we met up in Ft. Lauderdale, I was exhausted from working and taking the red eye and my dad was half-deranged from driving for forty-eight hours straight.

But, there was no rest for the weary. At the place I was moving into, they only allowed you to unpack during certain hours, so with both of us half-starved and sleep-deprived, we got our butts moving. For five straight hours we trudged through the rain, hauling all my stuff up in an elevator and down a long hallway to my new apartment.

I did lose my mind a little. I yelled at my dad and my dad yelled at me (being filmed during this process definitely added a little tension to the whole thing), but we are family and sometimes families yell. It was a tremendous bonding experience for us and it changed our relationship for the better.

After my dad and I showered, ate, and slept, our senses started coming back to us. We were able to look back at the previous day and laugh at how mean we were to each other and say, “Wow we accomplished so much,” and I was able to thank him for all of his help.

My dad stayed at my place while I went back to Iowa to collect Sophia and bring her back to Florida to our new home. It was such a happy and proud moment for me. After couple of months, my dad left and I finally I had my first real taste of what it was like to truly be on my own. It was such an amazing bonding experience for me and Sophia.

My last two weeks of my first quarter at my new school in Florida were very challenging and, to be honest, I was definitely a little overwhelmed. I was trying to date and make friends in this new place, and trying to find reliable childcare. Everything was kind of too much up in the air and I didn’t want to flunk my classes. I had also decided that after this quarter I wanted to switch schools.

I was excited about all of the changes, but Sophia and I needed a break. So, as much as I hated to be apart from her, my mom and I decided that Sophia should stay with her for a little while until I figured all of this out.

One important thing realized during this time on my own was that I am ready for more than what the average twenty-something guy has to offer. Maybe this has something to do with how fast I have evolved as a person. The things that are important to me are my education, my career, my family, and creating a safe environment in which Sophia can grow and learn. I realized I had been putting myself out in the dating world just to get hurt and waste time.

This was a big wake up call for me and it hit home hard when I found myself alone, truly alone, while Sophia was with my mom. So after a month, I called my mom to tell her I was coming to get Sophia. I had missed her so much, I cried when I saw her.
I know now that the right place for her is with me; no one can give her the love and support that I can.

She knows I love her no matter what—no matter if she spills food all over the couch, poops on the floor, throws baby powder all over her room, and never wants to sleep in her own bed, she knows I will love her through all the tough times.

UNHAPPY HOLIDAYS

My first Christmas in Florida was amazing, but it had been years since I had been able to enjoy the holidays. Ever since I got pregnant, Christmas had been really a hard time for me. Three years ago, I was pregnant and by myself, wishing Derek was with me to receive the first of our baby gifts. Wishing he would change, fearing that he wouldn’t. Three days later, he died and that left me crying privately for a year.

The following Christmas, I was angry. To cope, I started going out and drinking and dating. It helped me pass the time and kept me numb. I showed up for Christmas and played Santa with Sophia, but I was still grieving and was only going through the motions for her sake.

The next year, I was completely paranoid—crazy brain. I wasn’t myself at all. I quit wearing makeup and doing my hair. I stayed in my house for three days straight that Christmas. All I could think about was killing myself, and I was paralyzed by this fear that someone was going to break into my house. I felt like I was a horrible mom to Sophia and I was crying all the time because I missed Derek so much. It felt like it could only get worse. We did gifts at my parents’ house that Christmas, but for the most part I kept to myself because I didn’t want anyone seeing me as sad as I was.

The Christmas after I moved to Florida, for the first time, I was happy to go back home for the holidays, happy to be alive, and happy to be in the holiday spirit. The stress of school had lifted and moving away helped free me from the past. I was able to pursue some of the things that I had always wanted to do, and, best of all, I had so much more time to spend with Sophia. That was the Christmas I started singing again. I began enjoying everything that was in front of me…happy to finally be myself again.

FINALLY GETTING UP FROM ROCK BOTTOM

Since I’ve been in Florida I’ve made it a priority to be in contact with my parents and to stay on the best possible terms with them. We have been through so much together and they have made a real effort to change the things that drive me crazy, but mostly I have finally learned to accept them for who they are.

Growing up, my favorite memories are of when my mom and I would sit on the front porch at night and look at all the stars. I loved that. Summers where we lived were the best, we would be outside all day in the sun, gardening, biking, going on walks. I loved running as a kid, so every day I would go running at the track by my house. When I think back to all these times, I feel sad that it went by so quickly.

But what I also remember about my childhood was always having to go to my grandparents’ house, because my parents were constantly working and traveling. I loved my grandparents’ house, my grandma would be being canning and you could smell the tomatoes and peppers all day, but it wasn’t my home. I just wanted my parents to be around more.

I have a vivid memory from when I was three or four years old, I was outside in our backyard, crying as I was walking away from my parents around to the back door of our house. I don’t remember why I was crying, but I remember that I always felt like I wasn’t loved enough. They were always working, or out of town, or fighting. I remember always having to be patient, to wait my turn for their attention, but it seemed like it was never my turn.

I made a promise to myself back then,
One day I will move away, I will be on my own and I won’t need anybody.
So, growing up, that’s why I never really hung onto friends, because I felt like I’d be gone soon anyway. I didn’t want to care about anyone or have attachments that would hold me back. I just felt like there must be something more for me out there in the world.

When I met Derek, he was the one person whom I got caught up in and for whom I broke all my rules. I let my guard down because he made me feel loved in the way I needed. When I first met Derek, we shared the same dream. We talked about moving away and having our own place. I believed he would take care of me, love me for who I was, and be there for me when I needed him. Even when everything started going wrong with our relationship, it was hard for me to walk away because I couldn’t let go of the dream.

Now I realize that was why it was so hard for me to deal with getting pregnant. By that time, Derek had shown that he wasn’t ready to break away from his self-destructive habits or the toxic things in his life that were bringing him down. He acted like the love between us was nothing, talked badly about me and my family, and I had caught him in lie after lie.

The truth of how he had changed finally began to sink in on the day I called him to tell him I was pregnant and he didn’t pick up. Instead I went home and had to tell my mom. In the end, it was my family that was there to support me—not Derek. I still held on to my dream though, hoping that after I had the baby Derek would grow into the man I needed him to be.

When he died, that dream died with him.

The day Sophia was born was both the happiest and saddest of my life. She was so precious and beautiful, but I couldn’t look at her without seeing Derek. Her toes were his toes, the shape of her face, her ears, her hands—all Derek. When I got out of the hospital I realized that I had to stay home and finish college. I couldn’t move away yet. I was forced to let go of my teenage dream once and for all and I felt like I had let myself down. The grief began to catch up with me and I sank into depression.

When I finally began to pull myself out of depression, I realized how much I was setting myself back and letting myself down as a parent. There was still so much to live for, I just needed to find my independent self again.

I did get to move away, after all. I’m on my own now, making my own rules and learning the limitations of what I can handle on my own. Sometimes I feel like I’m in a race against time. There’s so much I want to do. I feel it at night, like a giant clock ticking inside my head. I can’t get to sleep sometimes because I feel like I have so much I want to do in life and I have no more time to make bad choices and get off track.

A NEW DREAM