My Tomorrow (23 page)

Twenty-Four

Tuesday came too quickly.  I’d hardly seen Ethan since I got home and everything felt just as it had before I left for Japan, maybe even worse because he was home even less. He had two shows a day and he wanted to be there for everything.  I didn’t blame him though.  He was the new guy and so lucky to have finally found the job he’d always wanted.  He was in such a good mood though, so different than how it’d been ever since we got to New York.  He’d been tense since our arrival because he was afraid he’d fail.  But he hadn’t failed.  He thought he had, but it was finally working out and I was happy for him. 

The guilt was eating away at me though.  I couldn’t stop thinking about Drew or us and what we’d done.  I was almost glad Ethan wasn’t home.  It made living with the guilt easier. 

Knowing I was seeing Drew though was something I wasn’t prepared for.  I hadn’t heard from him at all since the limo.  I half expected him to drop by or call me or something, but he’d been quiet…completely quiet and his silence worried me.  It worried me because maybe he had been using me after all and I worried that meant he didn’t want me anymore and even though I knew I shouldn’t want him to, I did want him to want me. 

Ethan was gone when I woke up to get ready for work.  I was still a little jet lagged, but I managed to get myself up and ready and out the door on time and when I walked into the office, I was disappointed to see I was the first one there.  Court and Anna Beth’s desks sat empty and Drew’s office door was closed.  I hung my jacket on the coat rack and then sat at my desk looking around, wondering what I should do.  We’d been busting our asses on the project for Mr. Tashawa and now that that was done, I didn’t know what to do with myself. 

I heard footsteps just then and I looked up to see Drew walking towards me.  The black slacks and sweater made him look mature and serious, unlike the jeans and hoodie back in the club in Tokyo when he eyed me across the room and then proceeded to give me the craziest night of my life.  He wasn’t looking at me like that now.  When our eyes met he was smiling at me in a nervous way.

“Good morning, Natalie,” he said, stopping at my desk.

“Good morning.”

“How was your weekend?  All rested?”

“Yes.  You?”

“I’m good,” he said and then walked past me, opening his office door, but not going in. “Can you come in here for a minute?”

“Sure,” I said, my heart pounding as I stood up and followed him in.  He held the door open for me and when he closed it behind us, the click of the knob echoed loudly.

I watched as he hung his coat up and then turned to me.

“I wanted to call you this weekend,” he began and I started rubbing my hands together nervously, mostly because of how I was feeling being so close to him again. “I wanted to hear your voice.  I missed you.” I just remained silent, not knowing what to say.  I couldn’t tell him I missed him too. “How’s Ethan liking the new gig?”

“How’d you know about that?” I asked and then a smug smile spread over his face. “You?  You did that?”

“I won’t admit to anything,” he said, walking behind his desk and turning his computer on, focusing on the screen as I marched across the room.

“What did you do, Drew?” I demanded.

“I don’t reveal my secrets.” He glanced up from the screen and grinned at me.

“Stop being an ass!” I exclaimed. “What’d you do?”

“I may have spoken to a friend and happened to have him go to Carmine’s to meet Ethan,” he finally said.

“Why’d you do it?”

“So you could stop feeling guilty and move on with your life.”

“What are you talking about?”

“Ethan.  He’s accomplished what he came here to do, so you don’t owe him anymore.  You can let go without feeling guilty.”

“I don’t want to let go.”

“Your actions from the club tell me otherwise.”

His smirk was gone and the look from that night returned. 

“I can’t do this anymore,” I said quietly. “I can’t live like this.”

“Like what?”

“Why do you do this?  Why do you play these games with me?”

“They’re not games, Natalie,” he said, standing straight again. “I’m just trying to help you figure out what you want because you won’t see it yourself.”

I felt the tears burning, but I couldn’t cry.  Crying would show him how weak I felt and he couldn’t see that. “You’re scared, Natalie.  I get that.  He’s all you know…you don’t want to lose him, but think about it.  Really think about.  Do you want to look back on your life and see regrets?  Ask what if?”

I shook my head, knowing I didn’t want that.

“No, I don’t.”

“What do you want then?” he asked softly, moving even closer so we were nearly touching and then he took my hand in his and I knew exactly what I wanted.

“I want you to kiss me again,” I whispered and before I could take it back, his lips were on mine.  Not in the primal, crazy way from our night in Japan, but in a way that was sweet and tender.  His strong hands cupped my face as he kissed me deliberately, each move of his mouth purposeful.  I started leading him towards the desk, nearly forgetting where we were and I was thankful for the frosted glass on his office door.  I pushed him against the desk, running my hands through his hair and when his lips left mine and moved to my neck, I couldn’t stifle the moan that escaped.  I felt his hand on my thigh hiking up my skirt as he reached for me eagerly.  I wanted him to touch me.  I needed him to touch me.  I pulled him to me, smashing my mouth against his, trying to taste everything about him and then I felt his hand on me and I suddenly stopped, realizing what I was encouraging him to do.

“Stop,” I said and abruptly pulled away.  He was staring at me with need, his chest heaving as he tried to catch his breath. “I can’t work here anymore,” I said and his eyebrow raised in panicked confusion.

“You don’t mean that.”

“I do because every time I see you,” I sighed, shaking my head. “Even when I’m not with you…I’m thinking about you and I have to stop this.  Maybe if I don’t see you then I can stop this.”

“And do what?” he asked, still breathless. 

“Move on with my life…the way it’s supposed to be.”

“And how is your life supposed to be?”

“The way it was before we came here…with Ethan.”

He sighed loudly, turning away from me and he looked frustrated, more frustrated than I’d ever seen him and that frustration was directed towards me.

“Fine, Natalie.  I don’t need this hassle in my life anyway.”

“I’m sorry to have been such an inconvenience to you,” I said snidely and then he breathed out deeply.

“I don’t know why I keep trying anyway.  If you want to look back in fifty years and realize that you settled, that’s fine with me, but we all have only one life and I don’t plan to live that life with regrets and I don’t think you should either.  I never set out to come between you and Ethan.  That wasn’t my intention, but the more I’ve gotten to know you, I’ve seen a side of you that you’re not even aware of.  You’re not the timid little girl from Iowa anymore.  You made that perfectly clear at the club.”  He stopped, staring into my eyes and even though he was several feet away, I could feel his hands on me again, the way they’d been in Japan.  I could feel everything about that night because it had been the most exciting night of my life. 

“I don’t know what you want from me, Drew,” I said quietly.

“Bullshit.  You know exactly what I want from you.  It’s me who doesn’t know what the hell you want from me.”

He stepped closer to me and I wanted him to take me in his arms and hold me, the way he had the night he’d kissed me for the first time.  But he didn’t.  He stopped just inches from me and I ached to feel him.

“Because I want what I can’t have,” I whispered and then he closed the space between us and he brushed his fingers over my cheek. I closed my eyes, wincing at his touch, so aware of how it seemed to burn my skin. 

“You can have whatever you want.”

His voice was low and sexy and full of need, the same need I felt and then his hands were on my hips, pulling me to him and I could feel that he wanted me as much as I wanted him. 

“I just need more time…to figure this all out,” I said softly, meeting his eyes, so green and kind and he had a sweet smile on his face.  He nodded and then kissed me on the cheek.  I closed my eyes as his lips lingered on my skin.  It took all of my control not to turn my head so our lips would meet.  I wanted to kiss him.  I wanted to touch him and I wanted him to touch me and do all the things he’d done to me when we were in Japan.  I wanted everything from him, I just couldn’t find the strength to tell him that. 

Twenty-Five

Life had gone on since our return from Japan.  Aside from careful glances and smiles at me when no one was looking, one would be hard pressed to believe what Drew and I had shared.  Things had been almost normal since our conversation in his office.  He didn’t pressure me and he didn’t ask me where we stood.  He just let me be and that was hard for me because I couldn’t ignore how I felt around him and I missed how it felt when he’d touch me.  I missed knowing he wanted me. 

Ethan was happier than I’d ever seen him though and he was even busier now than he’d been when he only worked at Carmine’s.  I knew Ethan was good at what he did so it wasn’t surprising when he got hired on full time.  Drew may have opened the door for him, but I knew it was Ethan’s hard work that had gotten him through that door. 

It was getting colder as the end of November approached, but it still wasn’t as cold as it was back home in Iowa.  The winters there were brutal and I found myself missing the simplicities of home.  Life had become so much more complicated since our move to the city. 

I woke up on the morning of my twenty-third birthday and I didn’t feel any different.  It was a typical Friday.  After a long week, I was ready for the weekend.  Ethan was still asleep when my alarm went off and I pulled myself out of bed, showering and getting myself ready and out the door by seven-thirty.  Ethan hadn’t gotten home till after midnight.  That was becoming typical though.  I was already in bed when he got home, but he slid in beside me, kissing me on the forehead before drifting off to sleep. 

There was a delay on the subway on my way to work, something to do with the electrical system, but we were eventually on our way and I arrived at work a half an hour late.  I hoped it wasn’t foreshadowing how my day would go. 

I sighed as I turned the corner to get to my desk, but then I jumped when I heard a chorus of voices shouting, “Happy birthday!” and a wide smile spread across my face when I saw Court, Anna Beth, and even Drew surrounding my desk.  There was an obnoxiously large Mylar balloon in the shape of a cupcake and a large box of chocolates on my desk.

“Thank you guys,” I said, hoping I wouldn’t cry at what they’d done for me. “You didn’t have to do this.”

“No, we didn’t, but we wanted to,” Court said, giving me a long hug, followed by one from Anna Beth.  I don’t know if it was intentional or not, but Drew didn’t hug me.  He placed a hand on my arm and looked at me, my heart pounding as our eyes connected.

“Happy birthday, Natalie,” he said softly, a little smile on his face.

“Thank you,” I replied just as softly and I wondered if Court or Anna Beth picked up on anything.  Court hadn’t asked me anymore about what had happened between Drew and I, but I noticed his curious glances at us and I could only imagine what was going through his mind.

“This was so nice of you guys,” I said cheerfully, going back to my desk and opening the box of chocolates.  They looked expensive, definitely more than a box of Russell Stovers from Duane Reade.  “And these chocolates are amazing,” I said, taking a bite.

“Drew insisted on the chocolates.  Said he was certain you’d love them.”  Court shot me a curious look and I hoped my face didn’t give anything away as my eyes drifted to Drew whose mouth was curled into a knowing smile.

“He was right.  I do love them,” I said, taking another piece of chocolate, drawing my eyes away from him. “Seriously though…this was really sweet of you guys.”

“We wanted to start your day off right,” Court said and I smiled over to him.

“Well, you definitely accomplished that.” 

“We’re taking you to lunch too,” Anna Beth added.

“That’s not necessary, but thank you,” I said, looking at each of them, so lucky to know them.  This was my first birthday away from home and I was grateful to have found these people to make my life in New York more tolerable, even with all the craziness Drew had brought into it. 

Court patted me on the back and Anna Beth hugged me again before they both went back to their desks and started busying themselves with something on the computer.  Drew didn’t say anything else and he disappeared behind the closed door of his office.

The subway delay was a distant memory and I thought my birthday was off to a good start.  I think I smiled the entire morning as I worked.  I was in the middle of organizing some files when the intercom on my desk buzzed and I picked it up to hear Drew’s voice on the other end.

“Can you step into my office?”

“Be right in,” I said, not allowing myself to think about what he wanted to talk to me about.   

“Close the door, please,” he said when I walked in and I did as he asked.  When we were alone, he looked up at me from behind the large, cherry oak desk and I couldn’t stop my mind from wondering what it would feel like to have him lay me across it and do whatever he wanted to me.

He reached into his desk and when he approached me, I immediately noticed the little box wrapped in silver paper with a matching bow.

“Happy birthday, Natalie,” he said quietly, holding it out to me.

“Drew…you didn’t need to get me anything.”

“I wanted to,” he said, nudging the box closer to me. “Please open it.”

I noticed my hand was shaking as I reached for it and then I began unwrapping the paper.  I felt my mouth gape when I saw the signature pale blue of the box and I knew immediately it was from Tiffany. 

“Drew,” I said softly. “No, this is too much.” I hadn’t even opened it, but I knew right away it was going to be something well out of my price range.

“Please, open it,” he insisted again and with my still shaking hands, I pried the lid off and I felt my mouth hanging open at the sight of the bracelet.  Exquisite was the only word I could use to describe it.  It was unlike anything I’d ever seen.  Tiny objects that appeared to be misshapen hearts were in a perfect line on a pinkish colored strand. 

“It’s beautiful,” I said quietly, running my fingers over it.

“It’s made of Tiffany rose gold,” he said and I looked up at him curiously. “It comes from a single American mine, which is what makes it so special and gives it that reddish hue.  And these full hearts,” he said, pointing to the little shapes that made up the bracelet. “These are from the Elsa Peretti collection.”

“I…I don’t even know what to say.”

“Well, you could say thank you for starters,” he laughed.

“Of course….of course.  Thank you,” I said quickly. “But…really…I can’t accept it.”

I tried handing the box back to him.  He stared at it for a second before taking it.  I watched as he pulled the bracelet from the box and then took my wrist with his hand.  His touch was warm and I didn’t realize how much I’d missed it.  He clasped the bracelet around my wrist and we both stared down at it.

“I knew it would look perfect on you and it does.  I won’t take it back.  Call it a gift from a friend.”

I knew he wouldn’t take it back and truthfully, I didn’t want him to.  No matter what happened with us, I wanted this reminder of him…always.

“Thank you,” I said softly, looking down at the bracelet again. 

“My pleasure.”

“I…I should get back to work,” I stumbled again, covering up the bracelet with my sleeve so Court and Anna Beth wouldn’t notice Drew’s gift. 

“One more thing, Natalie,” he said before I could turn to leave. “Thanksgiving is next week.  I know you and Ethan don’t have any family up here and I was wondering if you’d like to come to my apartment.  I’m hosting a small get together and I’d love it if you and Ethan could come.”

“Me
and
Ethan?” I asked questioningly.

“Of course.  You two are still together, correct?” he asked and I knew what he was insinuating.

“Yes, he’s just been really busy with the new job and working at Carmine’s.”

“Will he be available on Thanksgiving?”

“I don’t know, but we’ll be there, if we can.”

“I look forward to it,” he said, sitting back down at this desk and looking through some papers. “It’s somewhat formal.  Does Ethan have a suit?”

I shook my head.

“No worries.  He’s about the same build as me.  I’ll bring one for him to borrow.”

“Thank you,” I said, although I wasn’t sure how Ethan would react to that.

“You’re welcome,” he said and then he looked away from his computer and back to me. “Happy birthday, Natalie.”

I just smiled and rubbed the bracelet on my wrist before turning and walking back out to my desk. 

I was surprised when I saw Leslie waiting for me.  We didn’t have much interaction anymore, not since Drew had confronted her about me when I first started.  She’d kept her distance and I was grateful for that.  Leslie was one of the most intimidating women I’d ever met and she looked even more so today in her perfectly pressed navy suit and her hair tied back into a tight bun.

“Hi, Leslie,” I said as cheerfully as I could, not wanting her to know how timid she made me.

“I wasn’t aware today was your birthday,” she said, gesturing to the candy and balloon.

“Yes, it is.  Care for a chocolate?” I held up the box to her, but she just shook her head.

“No, thank you.  Actually, I was wondering if I could speak with you in my office.”

“Sure,” I said and my interest was immediately piqued. She turned and I followed her. She held the door open for me and then closed it once we were alone.

“Please, sit down,” she told me and I sat in the seat across from where she was sitting behind her desk.  I couldn’t help but think she looked even more intimidating.  She folded her hands and I noticed the way she looked at me.  An eyebrow was raised and there was a little smile on her face, more of a smirk actually. “I’m glad it went so well in Japan.”

“Me too.  I’m glad everything worked out.”

“Well,” she began and then hesitated. “When we offered you the position back in September, you were aware this was a temporary job.” I nodded, a pit forming in my stomach as I realized my birthday was not going to go as well as I thought. “The Tashawa project is complete and the workload is substantially less now, which means the position,” she said and I noticed the way her lips curled up a little higher. “Is no longer needed here at Taylor and Saben.”

I didn’t know what to say. My mouth remained in a straight line as I tried to process her words.  I knew it was a temporary position. I’d applied to a temp agency after all, but no one, aside from Leslie, had ever treated me like I wasn’t a permanent employee, that I’d almost forgotten my position would be coming to an end.  There’d been no talk about it, so I hadn’t given it much thought, until now when Leslie gave me a harsh reminder.

“I wasn’t aware the position would be ending already,” I said finally.

“Mr. Saben didn’t tell you?”

“No, Mr. Saben did not tell me.  We’ve been busy working on the project.”

“I’m sorry this information was not provided to you.”

“When is the position officially done then?” I asked nervously as all kinds of thoughts raced through my brain, not only about how I would survive without an income, but also how it would be to not see Drew every day.

“It’s technically done, but as a courtesy, we will keep it open for another two weeks so you can get your affairs in order,” she said and I sat there, trying to absorb the news.

“Okay.  Thank you, Leslie,” I said, standing up to return to my desk, not knowing what else to say, but then I turned back to her.  She was busy looking at her computer, her fingers flying over the keyboard. “Thank you for this opportunity.  I hope I can count on you as a reference.”

She looked up at me, but didn’t say anything.  Instead she nodded, not even cracking a smile and getting back to her work.

I walked in a daze to my desk.  Court and Anna Beth’s desks were empty and I sat down in my chair, just staring at the monitor on my computer.  This job had changed my life.  It’d changed everything about who I was as a person and now it was gone.  I’d known it wasn’t going to last forever, but it was over too quickly and then I glanced towards Drew’s office and I wondered if it wasn’t the job I would miss, but the man behind me. 

I stood up, gathering my courage as I walked towards his office.  The door was closed, but I knocked lightly and he told me to come in.  He was sitting at his desk when I walked in.  He looked up and smiled when he saw me.

“Can I talk to you for a moment?” I asked and he nodded.  I closed the door behind me and went to his desk, but I didn’t sit down.  I stayed standing and he looked up, our eyes meeting.

“What can I do for you?”

“Why didn’t you tell me my position was going to be over after the project was done?” My voice was calm and I watched as his brow seemed to crease in confusion.

“What’re you talking about, Natalie?”

“Leslie just pulled me into her office to tell me I was no longer needed.  I understand this was a temporary position, but why didn’t you tell me so I could start looking for another job?”

He stood up, not saying anything at first and he seemed to tower over me even across the desk.

“I didn’t say anything because the position isn’t done.  I still need you here,” he said and I wondered if he meant he needed me here for work or for him.