My Weirdest School #2 (3 page)

We got to school early the next day so we would be ready to do the morning announcements. The conference room looked just like a real TV studio. Ms. Cuddy gave me a fancy jacket and tie to wear so I would look like an anchorman.

Michael, Ryan, and Neil ran around
making sure the equipment was working. Andrea handed me the script she had written.

“Two minutes to airtime!” shouted Alexia, our director.

Ms. Cuddy gathered us all around.

“Okay, this is it, guys,” she said. “Our first broadcast. Are you ready to make history?”

“Yeah!” we all replied.

“I can't
hear
you!” said Ms. Cuddy.

“YEAH!” we all replied.

I sat behind the desk and adjusted the mic. Emily ran over and stuck some furry brush in my face.

“Hey, knock it off!” I told her.

“I need to powder your nose,” she said. “It's shiny!”

“I don't care,” I said. “Leave my nose alone! Get out of here!”

Emily started crying and ran out of the
conference room. What a crybaby.

“One minute!” said Alexia.

There was electricity in the air. Well, not really. If there was electricity in the air, we would get electrocuted.

As I stared at the camera, I felt myself starting to sweat. Every kid in the school would be watching me. My parents would be watching at home. A bunch of strangers would be watching too.

Why had I agreed to do this? I wished we had spent the million dollars on pizza and ice cream and candy. I wanted to run away to Antarctica and go live with the penguins.

“Are you nervous, A.J.?” asked Ms. Cuddy.

“Yeah,” I said. “I think I might throw up.”

“Good,” she replied. “That means you're excited. Remember to speak slowly and clearly.”

“Three . . . two . . . one . . . ,” said Alexia.

A little red light lit up on top of the camera. I took a deep breath.

“Action!” said Alexia.

“My name is A.J. and here are the morning announcements for Ella Mentry School,” I said. “Today is Thursday. The weather outside is cloudy and cold. Today's lunch will be chicken nuggets. We have one birthday. Rocco Garcia in fourth grade turns ten years old today. Please stand for the Pledge of Allegiance.”

Outside the conference room, I could hear lots of kids reciting the pledge.

“Thank you,” I said when they were done. “This is A.J., signing off. Have a great Thursday!”

“And . . .
cut
!” shouted Alexia.

The red light on top of the camera went off. Everybody started clapping.

“Nice job, A.J.!” said Ms. Cuddy.

“You nailed it, dude!” said Michael.

That's when the most amazing thing in the history of the world happened. Ms. Cuddy went to turn off the TV, but she must have pushed the wrong button
because she changed the channel instead.

Some girl was on the screen. She was sitting at a desk in front of a microphone, and she was wearing a funny hat, fake nose, and glasses.

“This is Morgan Brocklebank,” she said, “and this has been the morning announcements from Dirk School.”

WHAT?! Dirk School is on the other side of town. We all call it Dork School.

“One last thing before I sign off,” Morgan Brocklebank said. “We want to give a special thank-you to Mrs. Ella Mentry, who donated the money for us to start our TV station.”

WHAT?!

“Mrs. Mentry gave
them
a million dollars
too
?” shouted Andrea.

“That's not fair!” shouted Neil.

“I thought she only gave the money to
our
school!” shouted Alexia.

Everybody was upset. But one person was more upset than anyone else.

Ms. Cuddy.

Ms. Cuddy was staring at the TV with her mouth open. She didn't say anything. But I could tell she was
really
angry. She made both of her hands into fists, and it looked like her eyes were on fire.

“Those dirty, rotten . . .”

She was mumbling to herself. Then she
started shouting.

“How
dare
they start up a TV station at Dirk School the same day we start our TV station? This is
horrible
! I won't stand for it!”

She was really freaking out! I thought she was going to throw something. I had never seen a grown-up get so mad.

That's when Mr. Klutz's voice came over the loudspeaker.

“Great job with the morning announcements, kids!” he said. “I was watching in my office. Terrific, A.J.! And I just heard that fifty-four people in town were watching you at home.”

“How many people were watching the
Dirk School morning announcements?” asked Ms. Cuddy.

“Sixty,” said Mr. Klutz.

“Noooooo!”
shouted Ms. Cuddy as she fell to her knees. She looked like she had just seen the earth destroyed by a meteor.

“I can't believe those Dirk jerks beat us!” she moaned.

“Does it really matter how many people tune in to watch us?” asked Andrea.
“I mean, it's
just
the morning announcements.”

Ms. Cuddy jumped to her feet.

“Of
course
it matters!” she shouted. “We are winners at Ella Mentry School, and don't you forget it! Nobody beats us. We're number one! I didn't go to film school for four years to come in
second
!”

She started pacing back and forth.

“We need more eyeballs,” she muttered. “How are we going to get more eyeballs?”

That was weird. Why would she want more eyeballs? Aren't two eyeballs enough?
*

Ms. Cuddy is nutty.

“Do you mean we need more people to watch our morning announcements?” asked Andrea.

“Yes!” Ms. Cuddy replied. “We need to do something tomorrow morning that will blow Dirk School out of the water.”

Why is everybody always talking about boats?

“We could get a funny hat and have A.J. put on a fake nose and glasses,” suggested Michael.

“No, Dirk already did that,” Ms. Cuddy said, still pacing back and forth. “We have to come up with something new and different. A.J., do you have any special talents that nobody else can do?”

“I can make armpit farts,” I told her.

“
That's
a special talent?”

“A.J. is good at telling jokes,” said Ryan. “He told jokes in the school talent show.”

“That might work,” said Ms. Cuddy. “A.J., tomorrow morning I want you to come in here with your best jokes.”

“Does that mean I don't write the scripts anymore?” asked Andrea.

“You help with the lights tomorrow,” Ms. Cuddy told Andrea.

Andrea looked all mad. I stuck out my tongue at her to make her madder. Ha! I would be in front of the camera while she would have to lug lights around. This was the greatest day of my life.

I spent that night practicing my jokes. The next morning, everybody was running around like crazy to get ready. I sat behind the desk. My face felt sweaty. Emily tried to powder my nose, but I told her to leave me alone.

“Okay, let's
do
this thing!” shouted Ms. Cuddy. “Are you ready, A.J.?”

“Yeah!”

“I can't hear you!”

“YEAH!”

“Three . . . two . . . one . . . ,” said Alexia.

The red light lit up.

“Action!” said Alexia.

“My name is A.J. and I hate the morning announcements,” I said. “Why do we have announcements anyway? We might as well sit at home and tell jokes instead. By the way, speaking of sitting at home, my dad used to work at a calendar factory, but he got fired. Do you know why?”

“Why?” everybody shouted.

“He took too many days off,” I said. “Hey, do you know what's bad for your health?”

“What?” everybody shouted.

“Too many birthdays,” I said. “What did Earth say to Mars?”

“What?” everybody shouted.

“Get a life!” I said. “And speaking of dead things, do you want some of my old, dead batteries? They're free of charge. But seriously, folks, what did the tie say to the hat?”

“What?” everybody shouted.

“You go on a head. I'll hang around,” I said. “Hey, speaking of hanging around, my mom said I was outstanding, because I stand outside a lot. And speaking of being outside, basketball sure is a messy sport, isn't it? The players dribble all over the floor! And speaking of messy things, did you know that watermelons have really fancy weddings? Well, they cantaloupe.”

I told a few more jokes, and then Alexia gave me the sign that time was almost up.

“Well, that's our morning announcements for today,” I said. “This is A.J., signing off. You stay classy, Ella Mentry students.”

“And . . .
cut
!” shouted Alexia.

The red light on top of
the camera turned off.

“Great, A.J.!” said Ms. Cuddy. “I'd like to see Dirk School top
that
!”

She went over to change the channel to the Dirk morning announcements. That girl Morgan Brocklebank was on the screen again. She was wearing sunglasses.

“Please stand for the pledge,” she said.

At that moment, colored lights began to flash. A drum machine started to play. And then Morgan Brocklebank started rapping. . . .

“She's rapping her own pledge!” shouted Ms. Cuddy.

“Have a great day at Dirk School!” shouted Morgan Brocklebank.

Ms. Cuddy looked like she was going to explode.

“That Dirk kid did a rap version of the Pledge of Allegiance!” she shouted. “Why didn't
we
think of that?”

A few minutes later Mrs. Patty came in to give us the bad news—eighty people had tuned in to watch the Dirk School announcements. Only sixty had watched ours.

“Nooooooooo!”
shouted Ms. Cuddy, falling to her knees. “They beat us
again
!”

“I'll do better next time,” I promised.
“I'll have the whole weekend to work on new jokes.”

“No more jokes!” Ms. Cuddy shouted as she got up. “Dirk School makes their morning announcements fun and lively. Our show has to be more entertaining. So I have made a big decision. We need to bring in some fresh blood around here.”

Fresh blood? Gross! Why would you bring blood to a school?

“If one anchor is good, two anchors would be
twice
as good,” Ms. Cuddy said. “So, starting Monday, A.J., we're going to team you up with a co-anchor. And the co-anchor will be . . . Andrea.”

WHAT?!