My Weirdest School #2 (5 page)

Well, I guess our investigative report didn't attract many eyeballs. Dirk School beat us
again
. They put on a reality show called
Killer Karaoke
. Kids had to sing songs while their classmates dropped water balloons on their heads. I wish I had come up with
that
idea.

Ms. Cuddy looked more depressed than ever. She just sat there with her head in her hands.

“I give up,” she said. “I'm out of ideas. No matter
what
we do, those Dirk dorks beat us. I quit.”

“What?!” we all shouted.

“You can't quit, Ms. Cuddy!” said Ryan.

“Remember what you told us?” said Andrea. “If at first you don't succeed, try, try again.”

“I tried again,” moaned Ms. Cuddy. “And
again
. It's no use! We just can't beat those monsters!”

That's when I got the greatest idea in the history of the world.

I asked Ms. Cuddy to give us
one
day before quitting. After school, I held a secret meeting with the gang. I told them my idea. The next morning, we were ready to put it into action.

“Action!” yelled Alexia.

“My name is A.J. and I hate school,” I
said into the mic.

“My name is Andrea and I
love
school. Now for the morning announcements. The weather today is—”

A big banner flashed on the screen:
BREAKING NEWS!

“I'm sorry, Andrea,” I said, “but I have to interrupt the morning announcements. We have important news. Monsters have been spotted at Ella Mentry School!”

“What?” Andrea yelled.

At that moment the weirdest thing in the history of the world happened—a zombie ran past the camera!

Well, it
looked
like a zombie. It was actually Neil the nude kid, dressed like a
zombie.
*
Emily had done a great job on his makeup.

“What was
that
?” Andrea shouted.

“It looked like a zombie to me,” I said.

Mr. Klutz came running into the studio.

“Was that a zombie?” he shouted.

“It
looked
like a zombie,” said Ms. Cuddy.

Mr. Klutz ran in front of the camera.

“Lock the doors!” he shouted. “Nobody gets in or out of the building! Call the police! There's a zombie in our school!”

Then he ran out of the room.

“We repeat,” Andrea said, “a zombie has been spotted inside Ella Mentry School. Please remain calm. As soon as we have more information—”

At that moment something even
weirder
happened—a vampire ran past the camera!

Well, it
looked
like a vampire. It was
actually Ryan, dressed like a vampire. He was growling.

“What was
that
?” I shouted.

“It looked like a vampire,” said Andrea.

“Zombies and vampires have invaded our school!” I shouted. “Don't panic!”

“Let's go get the story, you guys!” Alexia shouted.

Andrea and I grabbed our mics. Michael grabbed Ms. Cuddy's portable camera. We dashed into the hallway. Kids were spilling out of the classrooms.

“Help!” some kid yelled. “It's a monster attack!”

“The zombies and vampires are taking over!” yelled somebody else.

“I'm too young to die!”

“This is
great
!” said Ms. Cuddy. “Are you getting all this on video, Michael?”

“Run for your lives!” somebody screamed.

In seconds the hallway was jammed with teachers and students running around, yelling and screaming and shrieking and hooting and hollering and freaking out.

“We are reporting the monster attack live!” I shouted into the mic. “We will stay on the air until this crisis is over.”

Andrea stuck her microphone in some girl's face and asked her if she had seen any monsters.

“No,” the girl replied. “But I heard a rumor that they're mutant alien zombies from outer space!”

“I heard the zombies kidnapped Mr. Klutz!” some other kid said.

I spotted Officer Spence, our school security guard.

“Have you seen any zombies or vampires?” I asked him.

“Not yet,” he replied. “But we can't let those monsters take over the school. We'll track them down.”

“You're a real hero, Officer Spence,” I told him.

“Just doing my job, A.J.”

Everybody was going crazy in the hallways. Somebody screamed. Andrea and I ran around the corner. There was a zombie
on the floor, groaning and drooling.

Well, it looked like a zombie. It was actually Neil again.

“Here's one of the zombies now!” Andrea said. “We're going to get an exclusive interview.”

I stuck my mic in Neil's face.

“You've been turned into a flesh-eating zombie,” I said. “How do you feel?”

“Grrrrrreat!” Neil replied.

“When did you first realize you were a zombie?”

“On Tuesday,” Neil said.

“What are you going to do next?”

“Eat the humans,” Neil said.

“Good luck with that,” Andrea told him.
“Thank you for taking the time to talk with us.”

I heard a loud
bang
outside. I looked out the window. A helicopter had landed on the front lawn of the school. A bunch of guys jumped out wearing body armor, gas masks, and other cool stuff.

“Come out with your hands up, monsters!” one of them shouted through a bullhorn.

“The army is here!” Andrea yelled into her mic.

Ms. Cuddy opened the front door so the army guys could come in.

“Where are the monsters?” one of them shouted.

“They went that a-way!” I told them.

“Follow me, men!”

The army guys ran all over the school looking for monsters, but they never found any because Neil and Ryan took off their costumes. After a while the army guys got back in the helicopter and left.

“It appears as though the monster attack is over,” Andrea said. “You may return to your classrooms now. Have a great day, Ella Mentry students.”

“And . . . cut!” shouted Alexia.

“That was
awesome
!” said Ms. Cuddy.

When the monster attack was over, Mr. Klutz went from class to class to make sure everyone was okay. When he got to
our TV studio, we asked him how many people had watched our station and how many people had watched the Dirk School station.

“
Nobody
watched the Dirk station,” he told us. “Everybody in town was watching
us
.”

“Yes!” Ms. Cuddy shouted. “Victory is ours! We're number one! We're number one!”

She started dancing all over the room, laughing and yelling and screaming and shrieking and hooting
and hollering and generally freaking out.

“Man,” Alexia said, “Ms. Cuddy is going overboard.”

Why is everybody always talking about boats?

Well, that's pretty much what happened. Maybe the army will find out that the monsters were just kids dressed up like monsters. Maybe Mr. Cooper will stop throwing apples at doctors. Maybe we'll buy a thousand refrigerators and put them in the playground. Maybe they'll get a life on Mars. Maybe everybody will stop thinking in boxes and talking about boats all the time. Maybe we'll rent some
eyeballs. Maybe basketball players will stop dribbling all over the floor. Maybe Ms. Cuddy will go to a doctor and get her ears checked. Maybe Andrea will stop singing songs from
Annie
all the time. Maybe those jerky Dirk dorks will stop eating bugs and throwing water balloons at each other. Maybe Ryan will stop taking baths in his kitchen sink. Maybe we can talk Ella Mentry into giving us another million dollars.

But it won't be easy!

Photo by Howard Wolf

DAN GUTMAN
has written many weird books for kids. He lives in New Jersey (a very weird place) with his weird wife and two weird children. You can visit him on his weird website at
www.dangutman.com
.

JIM PAILLOT
lives in Arizona (another weird place) with his weird wife and two weird children. Isn't that weird? You can visit him on his weird website at
www.jimpaillot.com
.

Discover great authors, exclusive offers, and more at
hc.com
.