Nameless (35 page)

Erin smiled
faintly as she reached toward the swing to pick up her daughter, who was
fussing and grimacing with dramatically grumpy expressions. “Hey, pumpkin. I’m
sorry I was so late.”

The baby didn’t
seem to appreciate the apology and wriggled impatiently until Erin cradled her
against her chest. As soon as a nipple was offered, however, all resentment was
forgotten.

Erin sighed and
closed her eyes, feeling like a disgusting, half-dead cow.

“You look like
you’re about to fall over,” Stella said sympathetically. “If you’re too tired,
you should just skip your walk today.”

Erin took a
walk with the stroller every day, immediately after work, when the sidewalks
were still busy and it wasn’t yet dark. She exhaled again in defeat. “I don’t
much feel like it today, but I’ve been trying so hard to establish a good
routine for her, and I hate to mess it up every time I’m tired.”

Stella wasn’t
an attractive woman. She had a plain face and graying dark hair that she pulled
back severely with clip at the nape of her neck. She had a warm smile, though, and
she offered it now to Erin. “I’d be happy to walk her this evening, since
you're not up to it. Actually, that would be perfect. You could shower and
recover a little before I leave.”

Erin tried to
argue, but Stella was adamant. And honestly Erin thought the idea of a half-hour
alone in her apartment was a dream.

So, after she’d
finished breastfeeding, Erin helped Stella get the infant in the stroller and
then felt horribly guilty—like a selfish, unnatural mother—when she was so
vastly relieved to be alone for once, when her daughter left the apartment with
the nanny.

Erin left her
icky clothes on the floor in a heap, turned on the shower, and got in.

Stood under the
warm spray of water and didn’t move, didn’t think, for a long time.

She felt better
when she got out. She was starving and had a lingering headache, but she felt
like she might actually survive until bedtime.

Before she
dressed, she stared at her naked body in the mirror.

Remembered what
she’d looked like a couple of years ago and resigned herself to never looking
like that again.

Her breasts
were full and heavy—not nearly as perky as they used to be. Her belly still
curved out more than it should, and her hips were too rounded. Checking herself
out from the side, she shook her head over the faint stretch marks.

She did wonder
if she’d lost a little more weight, though. With this in mind, she opened a
drawer to her dresser and pulled out a pair of jeans she hadn’t worn in a year.

Erin pulled
them on, moaning in relief when she could comfortably pull them up over her hips.

Then she held
her breath. Made the final test.

Pulled up the
zipper. Fastened the button.

They closed and
were only slightly snug.

At this unexpected
victory, Erin might have squealed. Just a little.

She preened in
front of the mirror for a minute, studying how the denim fit over her ass and
thighs, until she realized that Stella would be back soon.

So she quickly
put on a clean bra and white t-shirt.  She’d just finished blowing her hair
halfway dry when she heard the apartment door open and close.

Erin hurried
out to the living room. “Look,” she called happily. “I fit into my jeans
again.”

Stella was
removing the convertible carrier from the stroller. “That’s great,” she
replied, sounding a little distracted. “It takes some women a lot longer.”

Her expression
was worried.

“What’s wrong?”
Erin asked, immediately anxious. “Is she all right? Is she sick?”

She didn’t look
sick. Her head was lolling back contentedly, and her blue eyes were getting a
little sleepy. She loved going for walks in her stroller.

“She’s fine. I
just...it’s probably nothing, but it was strange.”

“What? What is
it?”

Stella sat down
in one of the dining room chairs. “Well, maybe you’ll think I’m paranoid, but
I’ve noticed a man sitting in a car on this street a few times as I leave in
the evenings, usually just as you're taking her out for your walk. The first
couple of times I didn’t pay attention, but now I’ve seen him there several
times over the last few weeks.”

“What is he
doing?”

“Just sitting. I
always assumed he was just waiting for someone. He looks perfectly respectable,
and he’s not always there, so I’d never thought much about it, except to wonder
who he’s waiting for.” She paused thoughtfully, “Although, now that I think
about it, he did always seem to be watching
you
, as you went on your
walk. Maybe I should have said something sooner.”

Shrugging that
away, Erin stepped into the kitchen to get her dinner together. She was so
hungry she couldn't wait any longer to eat. “So what made you nervous today?”

“Well, today he
was standing outside his car. It was strange. He wasn’t there when we left the
building, but he was when I was coming back. As soon as he saw me with the
stroller, he took a few steps in my direction. Then he stopped, I think because
he saw it was me and not you. Maybe I’m wrong, but that’s what it looked like.”

Erin combed her
fingers through her slightly damp hair, feeling both confused and nervous.  She
continued peering into the refrigerator, though, hoping to find something
appetizing. “Then what did he do?”

"He turned
around, got back in his car, and drove away.”

“So you think
he’d been expecting
me
, and then left when he realized you were walking
instead?”

At Stella's
assent, she made a bewildered face and asked, “What did he look like?”

At that point, Erin
still had no idea. None at all. The obvious explanation hadn’t even occurred to
her.

So the answer crashed
into her without warning.

Stella replied,
“He was really nice looking, actually. Maybe early thirties. Wearing a nice
suit. Sometimes I think he looks kind of familiar, but I'm sure I've never met
him. He’s always wearing sunglasses, and he drives this fancy blue car. His
hair is reddish-brown.”

Erin dropped
the bag of lettuce she’d been trying to open. “What?”

When she took
in Erin’s frozen face, Stella said slowly, “It never occurred to me that he was
suspicious until today, but maybe I should have told you sooner.”

Erin ignored
the words. Couldn’t even focus on them. Felt the most intense rage she’d ever
experienced rising inside her.

Without speaking,
she pushed past Stella and went into the living room to find her phone. Picked
it up and started jabbing blindly at numbers she knew by heart.

But, before it
started ringing, she put it down again.

“Do you know
who he is?” Stella asked.

“Oh, yes. I do.”

She was shaking
with emotion as she found her shoes and stepped into them. “Thanks, Stella,”
she managed to say. “I really appreciate you telling me.”

Then she went back
into the dining room, where her daughter was still in her carrier, almost
asleep.

“Come on,
pumpkin,” Erin muttered. “It's time we go see your daddy.”

***

Erin wasn’t made to wait very
long before the doorman allowed her up to Seth’s apartment.

She actually
hadn’t known if she would be let in at all. She’d been quite sure she would
have been turned away without question if she’d tried storming his residence
during the first weeks after their confrontation in the hospital, but now she thought
he might consider it.

Since he’d
apparently been trying to talk to her earlier that day.

Seth was waiting
for her at the door. He’d taken off his suit jacket and loosened his tie, but
he still managed to look professional, perfectly composed.

And that just
made Erin even more furious.

On the way
over, she’d been building up steam, rehearsing all of her collected resentment from
the last three months, and now she was about to erupt with it.

Very carefully,
she put her daughter’s carrier down on a large, sturdy chair in the entryway. Took
a moment to make sure the baby was all right and still asleep.

Then she took a
deep breath and prepared herself.

“Erin,” Seth
began, his face surprised and tense.

His having the
nerve to even say her name was the final straw. She turned on him.

“How dare you? You
selfish, heartless ass—” Remembering her sleeping daughter just in time, she
amended lamely, “Butthole.”

Seth opened his
mouth to reply.

She didn’t let
him. “
I’m
talking right now. You can talk when I'm done. I’ve put up
with a lot from you and I’ve tried to be reasonable about it, but this is the
limit. I know I hurt you, but I apologized. Over and over again. You don’t have
to forgive me. You can even hate me if you want. But how cold do you have to be
to take your bitterness out on your own daughter?”

She’d gestured
over toward the carrier to make her point. But, when she saw Seth’s eyes
straying over in that direction, she felt a new burst of anger. She didn’t want
him to even look at their baby.

“You wanted to
be a father,” she continued, stepping in his line of sight to draw his
attention back to her. “And now you’re just willing to give it up? You told me
that you’d be involved, that you’d be supportive, and then you just snatch it
away? Because you didn’t get your way?”

She had to
pause to breathe but didn’t let it break her momentum. “You’re a coward. Too scared
to even try. And you’re selfish, thinking only of yourself. And heartless,
because you
know
what it’s like to grow up without a father—but you’re
still willing to do it to her anyway.”

Seth’s face was
unreadable, but he took a step closer to her. Opened his mouth again.

Erin put an
abrupt hand up to stop him. “It would be one thing if you didn’t even care—if
we were meaningless to you. But you
do
care. We
do
mean something
to you. You wouldn’t be stalking us otherwise.”

When she saw
him open his mouth again to object, she growled out a sound of rage,
effectively cutting of his words once more. “You must still want to be
involved, to be a father, but you’re holding back because...” Unable to come up
with any sort of reason, she threw her hands up in utter exasperation. “I don’t
know
why
the hel—the heck you’re holding back.”

It would be a
lot easier to lay into him effectively if she didn’t always have to check her
language.

Seth tried
again to respond. Actually got out the beginning of a word this time. “Er—”

She didn’t let
him. “I’m
sorry
you felt differently about our relationship than I did. I’m
sorry if I’m to blame for the confusion.” She felt a lump in her throat again
at the memory, but forced herself to ignore it. “I’m sorry that I was so
insensitive when you...you told me. But
I’m
the one who hurt you. Not
her.

Seth’s eyes
once more shifted in the baby’s direction, as if he couldn’t quite control his
gaze.

But Erin still
wasn’t finished yet.

She stepped
forward even more. Was close enough now to touch him.

“I’m sorry you
can’t have everything you wanted, but that doesn’t mean you can offer her
nothing. And only an idiot would think it’s not worthwhile to only get
some
of what he wants.”

“Erin,” Seth
began, reaching a hand out toward her shoulder.

She jerked
away. “Don’t interrupt me. I’ve still got more to say.” She took a deep breath.
Tried to remember what else she had to say. “I’ve tried to be mature and
reasonable about this. I really have. I do understand where you’re coming from
and can sympathize a little. But you’re not protecting yourself. You’re hurting
yourself. You’ve missed out on three months of her life. So either be a father
to her, or that will be it. No emails. No pictures. No stalking. No nothing.”

She was swaying
a little from an overload of emotion, hunger, and fatigue. Her throat hurt, and
her fingers were trembling embarrassingly.

“Erin,” Seth
tried again, his face so confusing—strangely rigid and urgent at the same time.

Feeling the
overwhelming heat of her anger deserting her at last, she mumbled, “And don’t
you dare complain that I used a double negative.”

Seth’s lips tightened
in amusement almost imperceptibly but then settled back into a stoic line. He
stood in front of her quietly.

The only sound
in the apartment was the sound of their rapid breathing.

Suddenly, as
she waited, Erin was washed with an entirely new thought—the mortifying
possibility that it hadn’t been Seth that Stella had seen at all. That he
hadn’t been waiting to talk to her. That he had no idea what she was doing
here. That he hadn’t even thought about her in weeks.

And that she’d
just come over and attacked him for no reason.

Finally, Erin
was so uncomfortable that she demanded, “Well? Don’t you have anything to say
for yourself?”

His mouth tilted
up briefly, in automatic amusement at this piece of irony.

Erin almost,
almost
responded in kind.

Then Seth said
softly, “I’m sorry.”

“What? What? You
are?”

He nodded,
perfectly composed but somehow not as confident as she was used to seeing him. “That’s
what I was planning to tell you, when I was trying to catch you on your walk
earlier. I'd finally worked myself up to it.”

“After stalking
me,” Erin muttered, unable to process everything and so clinging to the most
inconsequential details.

“I wasn’t
stalking you,” he countered coolly, obviously forgetting that he was trying to
apologize. “I just wanted to catch a glimpse of the two of you occasionally.”

 “You could
have done so more easily if you’d bothered to return my calls and emails.”