Nathan's Vow (19 page)

He stood and walked to her side of
the room.  "I'll let myself out."

Please ask me to stay!  Tell me
there's a chance.

He didn't hear her heart.  At the
doorway he said, "Goodbye, Gillian."

She couldn't say the words, just as
she couldn't believe he was leaving without even trying to persuade her to
stay.  She didn't need her sixth sense to understand the meaning of that.  He
didn't love her.  In fact, he didn't even desire her enough to ask her to
stay. 

Without another word, he left. 
When she heard her apartment door close, she crumpled up on the bed and dropped
her head into her hands.  She'd mend.  She'd heal.  She'd find a way to help
others that didn't hurt her.

Tears dripped down her cheeks, and
the first sob broke loose. 

#

Two evenings later, Linc opened his
door to Nathan.  "You look like hell."

Nathan didn't respond and stepped
inside.

Linc took another appraisal. 
"Scotch or coffee?"

"Coffee."

"Where are Dana and
Maddie?"

"They're spending the night
with Leona."

"So why aren't you out
somewhere with Gillian?"

"Gillian's out of the
picture."

"What happened?"

"Nothing happened," he
muttered.

"I know you, Nathan,
and--"

He swore forcefully. 
"Everybody thinks they know me."

Linc arched his brows.

"Sorry.  I shouldn't take my
frustration out on you."

His friend motioned Nathan to the
kitchen.  "Let's get that coffee."

Nathan wasn't used to talking about
personal stuff.  He'd shared more with Gillian than he ever imagined he could. 
Why?  What about her made her trustworthy?  But the real question screaming in
his gut was--why did he feel as if the bottom of his world had dropped out?  He
sank down onto a chair at the table.

Linc poured two mugs of coffee and
sat across from him.  "Did you and Gillian have a fight?"

There was no point denying anything
to Linc.  "She's going back to Indiana."  Mowing his hand through his
hair, he stood and paced the kitchen.  "She probably intended to go back
all along."

"Why shouldn't she go
back?"

"Because..."

"Because of what?"

"I like Gillian."

Linc took a sip of coffee and
tilted his chair on the back two legs.  "The same way you like a walk on
the beach or a medium well-done steak?"

Nathan's fuse blew and he swore. 
"Of course not.  I need her smiles. I need her honesty. I need her giving
nature."

"Did you tell her that?"

He stopped pacing.  "No."

"Why not?"

"Because her mind was made
up."

"You didn't ask her to
stay?"

He slashed his hand through the
air.  "What's the point?  She wants something I can't give her.  She wants
me to tell her I love her.  I don't believe in love.  Not the forever
kind."

Linc righted his chair with a
thump.  "What about your daughters?"

"That's different.  I'll love
them till my dying breath," Nathan vowed in a low voice.

Linc pinned Nathan with a steady
stare.  "Think about how you feel about Dana and Maddie.  Then think about
how you feel about Gillian.  Are the feelings as strong?  What happens when you
think about the next few weeks, the next month, the next year without
her?"

Linc's questions beat on Nathan's
heart one after the other.  Nathan turned toward the window, staring into the
distance as he tried to answer them.  He'd never felt anything as strong as
what he felt for his daughters until Gillian had come along.  Just like with
them, he wanted to protect her, care for her, hold her, talk to her.  Mixed
with that was the elemental desire that could bring him to his knees.  Is that
why he couldn't recognize his feelings?  Because Gillian seemed to have some
power over him and he was fighting it?

His life changed when she walked
into a room.  It was brighter, filled with hope, more exciting.  He didn't want
to imagine life without her. 
Was this love?  Did he love her?

Linc broke the silence.  "Did
you know Gillian was involved with a divorced man before?"

Nathan swung around.  He had never
asked Gillian about her past.  Why? 
Because you didn't want to face the
jealousy you'd feel
.  "No, I didn't know.  How do you know?"

"That day you were here for
the picnic.  She was pretty upset after you snapped at her.  She didn't say
much, just that the man reconciled with his ex-wife.  She did mention he'd had
a son she'd gotten close to."

"She doesn't think that Leona
and I will get back together, does she?"

"It's on her mind."

"That's ridiculous!"

"You know that.  Does
Gillian?"

Nathan stuffed his hands into the
pockets of his slacks and didn't answer.  "I'm going for a walk on the
beach."  Heading for the door, he paused at the threshold.  "You know,
you're a damn good friend."  He didn't wait for his friend to respond but
strode toward the stone steps. 

#

The beach stretched before Nathan,
an endless ribbon of sand washed constantly by the fingers of waves.  He walked
fast as if someone were chasing him.  The walk broke into a run, and the soles
of his leather shoes slapped the shore.  He didn't care if he ruined the shoes,
he didn't care if the salt water sprayed his shirt, he only cared about
escaping the pain in his chest that seemed centered in his heart.  He ran
faster...harder.  The pain wasn't physical.  It came from the thought of
Gillian flying away from L.A., away from him....

You love her.

You love her.

You love her.

The words came from a voice inside
of him that he'd ignored, denied, closed his heart to.  He slowed and then
stopped short.

"I love her."  It came
out raspy and got lost in the air he had to gulp in from his wild sprint.  He
took a few more deep breaths.

"I love her," he said
again to the ocean, to the wind, to the pain in his heart.

The pain lessened just a bit.

Was it too late to say the words to
Gillian?  Would she believe him?  Why couldn't he have realized it sooner?

The answer was as obvious as the
sweat on his brow.  His upbringing, past mistakes, good old-fashioned fear had
kept him from seeing it.  Oh, he'd felt love all right.  But he'd denied it. 
Gillian had given to him freely--her time, her "gift," her
compassion, her acceptance, and her love.  Just like everyone else, he'd taken
advantage of her giving nature, appreciating it, but not giving anything back. 
He'd been more enthralled with the chemistry between them than recognizing the
fact that he loved her.  And now it might be too late.

The other night, he'd seen the hurt
in her eyes.  He'd felt the bond between them shattering.  Locked in a cage of
self-doubt and denial, he'd left her.  Linc's questions had pried open the
windows of his heart and soul.  Gillian could read his heart if he opened it to
her.  And he wanted to do that.

Staring out at the ocean, the
immensity of it, he now realized he and Gillian couldn't box forever, couldn't
own it, couldn't even understand it.  But they could believe in it and they
could touch it--if they loved each other, if they gave to each other, if they
listened to each other.

  He wouldn't make the same
mistakes.  He'd learned how to be a good father, and he could learn how to be a
good husband.  If Gillian was willing to give him the chance.

And if she'd already flown back to Deep River?

He'd go after her.

#

Nathan had never done anything as
crazy or impulsive.  He climbed the outside steps to a second floor apartment
in Deep River, Maddie in his left arm, Dana holding tight to his right hand. 
He knew he was playing dirty by bringing his daughters, but at this point he
was ready to use whatever ammunition he could.  After his run on the beach,
he'd gone straight to Gillian's apartment in L.A.  But the manager had told him
she'd left.

Nathan had never felt such a weight
on his heart...until this morning when his plan had come together.  He'd packed
a few things for the girls and himself, chartered a plane, and here they were. 
Dana and Maddie hadn't slept during the trip because they were too excited
about seeing Gillian again.

Wrapping her arms around Nathan's
neck, Maddie asked in a sleepy voice, "See Gillian now?"

"I hope so, honey.  Her lights
are on.  That's a good sign she's home and still up."

Dana tugged on his hand.  "Do
you have her present?"

"In my pocket."

At the door, Dana asked, "Can
I ring the bell?"

"Go ahead.  Ring it two
times."

Dana grinned and did just that.

Nathan heard the click of the
lock.  His stomach churning, his chest tight, his thoughts somewhere between
hopeful and panicked, he waited.  As Gillian opened the door, he froze.

Her hair was mussed, her cotton
robe had slipped over one shoulder, her eyes looked red-rimmed as if she'd been
crying.  All he wanted to do was take her in his arms.  But that's what had
gotten him into this mess.  First, he'd tell her how he felt if it killed him.

"Nathan!  Dana and Maddie! 
What are you doing here?"  Gillian tried to shrug her robe over her
shoulder.

"We came to visit," Dana
explained.

Gillian bent over and hugged the
four-year-old.  When Maddie lifted her arms to Gillian, she took the little
girl, gave her a kiss and carried her inside.

Nathan wanted to say so much.  But
for now he settled on, "They've had a full day and are pretty beat.  Can
we tuck them into a bed?"

Gillian met his gaze squarely. 
"I only have one bed."

"That's all right.  You and I
will probably be up talking all night, anyway."

Gillian's cheeks grew rosy, and she
seemed to be at a loss for words.

Nathan went back to the car for the
suitcase and unpacked the girls' night clothes.  After Dana and Maddie had
brushed their teeth, drank sips of water from glasses Gillian set on her night
table, and snuggled into the pillows, Gillian covered them with a sheet. 
Maddie held out her arms for a last good-night hug for both Gillian and Nathan.

Dana asked Gillian. "Are you
gonna come home with us?"

Nathan kissed his daughter's
forehead.  "While you're sleeping, Gillian and I will talk about it."

Gillian gave him an odd look as she
said good night to the girls one last time.  With her shoulders squared and her
back as straight as any military officer's, she went to one of the chairs in
the small living room and perched on the edge.  "Why did you come?"

Frustrated because the right words
eluded him, Nathan crossed to her chair and looked down at her.  "I don't
know how to do this.  I don't know the right things to say.  I only know I need
you in my life."

"If you're saying this so I'll
be the girls' nanny for the summer--"

"I don't want a nanny.  I want
you to be my wife.  I love you, Gillian.  Will you marry me?"

She looked stunned beyond belief. 
"Just a few days ago you told me you didn't know what love was!"

"I was wrong.  I had a talk
with Linc and he made me see everything I'd been denying."

"He could, but I
couldn't?"

Nathan heard the hurt in Gillian's
voice, the pain of his earlier rejection of her love.  He knelt down in front
of her.  "My feelings for you were so strong, so powerful, they blinded me
to the truth.  Linc managed to make me face it.  I love you, Gillian.  And I
want to be the man who gives you a lifetime of love."

"But what about Leona?  I saw
you hugging her.  The day I left."

He took both Gillian's hands in
his.  "Leona hugged me.  But it was an affectionate,
maybe-we-can-be-friends hug.  That's all.  She's very much in love with her
French businessman who is moving his headquarters to L.A."

Gillian gazed at Nathan with wide
brown eyes that mirrored her thoughts--she still wasn't sure of the depth of
his feelings.  He released her hands and gently cupped her face between his
palms.  Reaching into his heart, opening it wide for her to see, he repeated,
"I love you, Gillian.  Will you marry me?"

Tears welled up in her eyes as the
truth of his words washed over her.  "Yes, I'll marry you."

He scooped her into his arms,
bringing her down on the floor with him.  As he cradled her in his lap, he
kissed her with the same fervor and depth of feeling that had emanated from his
proposal.  He held nothing back and neither did she.

When he came up for air, he
muttered, "Some proposal."  Reaching into his pocket, he pulled out a
tiny box and lifted the lid.  A solitaire diamond nestled against black
velvet.  "Dana and Maddie helped me pick it out."

"Oh, Nathan.  It's
beautiful!"

He slipped it onto her finger. 
Tears glistened in her eyes, and he tilted his forehead against hers.

Gillian brushed her fingers along
the edge of his jaw.  "Nathan, I'll never try to take Leona's place with
Dana and Maddie."

"You'll have your own place in
their hearts."  He felt Gillian's brow wrinkle against his and could tell
something was bothering her.  "Linc told me you were involved with a
divorced man before.  Sometime I'd like you to tell me about that as well as
every other little detail of your life before I met you.  Is there anything I
can do or say to reassure you that Leona is my past and you're my future?"

She leaned away.  "You're a
man of your word, Nathan.  I know that.  If you say Leona is your past, I
believe you."

Gillian's faith in him was one of
her most precious gifts to him.  He kissed her again, knowing he'd do
everything in his power to be worthy of it.

Gillian broke away this time and
still looked worried.

"What's wrong,
sweetheart?"