Nathan's Vow (18 page)

He heard the reservation his
ex-wife wasn't articulating.  "But?"

"I want to be able to see the
girls often.  I know this would be the perfect opportunity for you to take your
revenge--"

"Do you really think I'd do
that?"

She searched his face.  "I
suppose not.  That's something Father would do."

Her comparison of him and Arthur
Carrero had been one of the problems with their marriage.  Leona had expected
Nathan to act like her father in most areas, yet she had wanted him to give her
the time and attention her father had never given her.  Mixed messages at best,
mistaken expectations from the beginning.  "I won't keep you from your
daughters."

She looked relieved. 
"Actually, I might be taking a few trips this summer if you have the
girls."

Nathan saw the sparkle in Leona's
eyes that hadn't been there for a long time.  "With Jean Watteau?"

She nodded.  "He's thinking
about moving his main office to L.A."

"I'd like to meet him
sometime."

"I think you'd like Jean. 
It's funny, except for his background and his money, he's really not like
Father, either.  He's kind and playful..."  She blushed again.

"I hope you find what you
want, Leona."

"I think I have," she
said softly.  "What about you?"

"As long as I have my
daughters near me, I don't need much else."

"Don't fool yourself, Nathan. 
Men and women aren't that different when it comes to needing someone to love. 
You and I together--we just didn't work.  Or maybe we didn't know enough to
make it work.  Me and Jean--everything's there.  We know it when we're
together.  Don't close your heart, Nathan.  You'll never be happy if you
do."

Maybe his heart had never been open
and that's why his marriage to Leona hadn't worked.  He'd have to think about
that.  But he wasn't ready to discuss his psyche with his ex-wife.  They had
never let each other get that close.  Changing the subject, he suggested,
"When Watteau's in town, give me a call.  We can go to dinner."

She shook her head.  "All
right, we won't talk about your life.  For an intelligent man, Nathan,
sometimes..."  Then she smiled and did something she hadn't done in
years.  She hugged him.  "Thank you for not punishing me for taking the
girls."

He gave her a light squeeze and
pulled away.  "Punishing you would only punish them.  We'll work out our
differences for their sakes.  Right?"

She smiled.  "Right."

#

Gillian came out of her room when
she heard Nathan and Leona go downstairs.  Dana's and Maddie's door was open,
and she peeked inside.  Maddie lay without covers, her legs tucked up to her
stomach, her arms clutching Muffin, her furry toy cat.  Dana was sprawled on
her stomach under a sheet, one arm hanging over the side of the bed.  Both
looked fast asleep.

Pausing at the top of the stairs,
Gillian heard Leona and Nathan's voices but couldn't distinguish what they were
saying.  She didn't need to hear them because she saw Nathan embrace Leona. 
Leona's satisfied smile said more than any words, and Gillian knew what she had
to do.

Chapter
Ten

Fifteen minutes later when Nathan
knocked on Gillian's bedroom door, she was ready to face him and called,
"Come in."

He opened the door and took in what
she was doing with one swift appraisal.  "Going somewhere?"

She pulled a blouse from the
closet.  "It's time."

"It wasn't time a few hours
ago.  What brought this on?"

Avoiding his gaze, she took the
blouse from the hanger and folded it.  "I called Mr. Mimoto, the manager of
my building.  He told me no one's hanging around anymore."

"That's because you're not
there.  If you go back..."

With a gentle flop, the blouse
joined her folded shorts.  "I'll deal with it.  Mr. Mimoto did say I have
stacks of mail."

"So, you're not accepting my
offer?"

His offer.  The one that made her
realize where she stood in his life.  "No.  I can't.  I could be here
today and gone tomorrow.  That's not good for the girls."

"Are you going back to Indiana?"  Nathan's tone was even and controlled, betraying no emotion.

"I'm not sure.  First, I have
to see what all the mail is about and go through messages I've ignored.  Then,
I'll decide."

"Gillian?"

She stopped rearranging the clothes
already packed in her suitcase and met his gaze, looking for hope, wishing for
a sign from him that said he wanted her in his life.  "I'll say goodbye to
Dana and Maddie tomorrow after breakfast."

"You make it sound so
final."

"I've got to get my life in
order, Nathan."

"I guess everybody has to do
that.  Leona is letting the girls stay here for the summer."

"Good.  I know that's what you
wanted.  I'm glad you could iron out your differences."  He didn't deny
it, and Gillian wondered what other differences he and Leona had ironed out.

He came toward her and stopped
close enough to touch her, close enough that he could probably hear the
pounding of her heart.  "I'll miss you."

She fought the emotion that pressed
against her throat.  "I won't be that far away."

"Maybe after you have a few
days to make decisions, we can have dinner."

"Maybe."

He turned and went to the door. 
"I'll see you at breakfast."

She nodded because tears were too
close to the surface for her to speak.  When the door closed behind him, she
looked at the open suitcase and felt pain deeper than her heart, deeper than
her soul.  Love hurt so much.

#

Two cartons of letters sat beside
Gillian at her desk.  She flipped open another one and read the story of a
woman who wanted Gillian's help to make contact with her deceased husband.  The
phone rang.  Gillian let her machine take it, hoping it was Nathan.  But it
wasn't.  It was a message from yet someone else who wanted to make an
appointment for a reading.  If Gillian hoped leaving Nathan's house would make
him realize he loved her, she was wrong.  She hadn't heard from him in four
days.

An hour later when her doorbell
rang, she went to the peephole expecting to see Harriet or Mr. Mimoto.  She saw
Nathan.

Her heart raced, her fingers
tingled, and she felt a smile well up from inside her.  When she opened the
door to him, he smiled too. 

"The place is a mess,"
she said as he stepped into the living room."

Letters lay open in piles on her
desk.  She'd spilled some, lifting them from the carton on the floor to the
blotter.  The  phone rang again.  Its sound came from the unit in the kitchen,
not the one on the end table in the living room.  "I'm letting the machine
take them all," she said as she waved at it.

"You look tired." 
Nathan's voice melted over her like a soothing balm.

"I am tired.  But if I don't
keep up with the correspondence, it will pile up."

"You need a secretary."

"I have to do it myself."

"Gillian, you can't do it all
yourself.  You'll run yourself ragged.  Especially if you decide to help any of
these people.  You have to think about yourself and your limits."

"You don't know what it's like
to have a talent so many people seem to need!"

"You can't help
everyone."

"Maybe I have to try."

He shook his head and came closer
to her.  "Maybe you give too much.  Maybe you have to learn how to say
no."

"That's much harder to do than
it sounds."

Reaching out, he caressed her
cheek.  "Dana and Maddie want to know when you're coming over again.  They
miss you."  He paused for a moment.  "I miss you." The huskiness
in his voice, the silver sparks in his blue eyes, made her tremble as much as
the heat of his fingers on her face.  "I miss you, too."

Nathan tugged her into his arms and
lowered his mouth to hers.  He didn't hold back as he locked his hands at her
back and drew her tight against him.  Before, he'd restrained himself.  Before,
he'd been in control.  Before, he'd given and taken with a limit.  In this
kiss, no limits existed.

His lips promised erotic pleasures
she'd only dreamed about as he nibbled and explored.  His hands slipped under
her tank top and when they met bare skin, he growled deep in his throat and
thrust against her.  She met his thrust with the same desire.  His kiss and
touch brought to life her fantasies, ignited her desire until it burned as
brightly as his, seduced her into believing this was everything she wanted and
needed.

His tongue slid deep within her
mouth, and as he rocked his hips provocatively against hers, she knew she
wanted to be one with him.  She caressed his neck and glided her fingers
through his hair.  He groaned, angling his head for more of her kiss.  Breaking
away, he slipped her top up her body and over her head.  She didn't think about
protesting.  She didn't think at all.

With abandon she'd never felt
before, she unbuttoned his shirt quickly and ran her hands up his chest,
glorying in his chest hair erotically brushing her palms.  He was hot and
hard.  She leaned into him, bringing her lips to his skin.  She kissed him
softly, then rubbed her cheek against him.

Nathan sucked in his breath and
held her head there.  His heart pounded under her ear, his breathing was deep
and fast.  He unhooked her bra and touched her shoulders, holding her away from
him.  The bra dropped to the floor.

He stared, the look in his eyes as
potent as his kiss.  Swooping her up into his arms, he carried her to her
bedroom.

He kissed her again as he lowered
her to the bed and came down  beside her.  Caught up in their passion, Gillian
locked her arms around his neck.  The room spun, her world tilted, all she
could smell and think and feel was Nathan.

As he stretched out on top of her,
the flaps of his shirt lay on either side of her.  His chest against her
breasts, his hips cradled so perfectly against hers, brought a moan from her
soul. 

He pulled away and raised himself
on his elbows.  "This is right, Gillian.  I need you, you need me."

Need.  Need.  Need.

The word echoed along with the
reverberating tingles of excitement.  Nathan needed her.  But she didn't just
need Nathan, she loved him.  How long would his need last?  One night, a month,
a year?  Until he found someone he needed more?  Until he solved his
differences with Leona?

She opened her eyes and stared at
him, hoping to see more than need, hoping to see love. 

"Gillian?  What's wrong?  I
have protection if you're worried..."

Her breath caught in her throat. 
"You planned this?"

"No, I didn't plan it.  I
hoped."

She managed to control her voice. 
"What's the difference?"

He pushed himself to his side and
studied her carefully.  "You and I both know this passion has been
building between us since the moment we met.  I hoped with Leona spending the
evening with the girls, we'd have the time and the opportunity to...pursue
it."

His hesitation was the give-away. 
"You can't say it, can you?"

"Say what?"

"That you hoped we'd have the
time and opportunity to make love.  Because that's what I'd be doing, Nathan. 
Loving you."

He looked stunned, then angry. 
"We're talking about sex, Gillian.  Sex.  I never said anything about
love."

Tears burned her eyes.  "I
know you didn't.  But I did.  I love you, Nathan.  Believe me, I didn't want
to.  I've been hurt before.  But it happened anyway.  And I can't make love to
you without loving you."

Pushing himself up against the
headboard, he shook his head.  "Love.  I'm not sure I know what it is. 
Why do you want to complicate this?  Why can't we just--?"

"Have sex?  You say that's
what you want.  But I think I've gotten to know you pretty well.  Can you have
sex with me and not feel anything?"

"I'll feel something, all
right," he snapped.  "Arousal.  Climax.  Satisfaction.  Gratitude
that you found my daughters."

"If that's true, I don't
belong in this bed with you."  With her top-half naked, she now felt
self-conscious.  Hopping out of bed, she reached for the robe lying on her
chair.

"Gillian, you know my
history.  I made a commitment, and I was a bad father and a lousy
husband."

He was holding onto the past, and
she suspected the reason--he still had feelings for Leona.  And if he
didn't....  "You're a good father now.  You're caring and compassionate.  But
it doesn't matter what I believe.  It's what you believe that matters." 
Somehow she'd fallen into the same pattern with Nathan that she'd fallen into
with Brian.  She'd given to him and his daughters, hoping the feelings would be
returned.

The words he'd used earlier came
back to her. 
You have to think about yourself and your limits.
 
Suddenly she knew what she had to do for both of them.  "I'm going back to
Indiana."

The silence was louder than the
backfire of the truck outside her window.  "When?"

Thank goodness the apartment had
come furnished.  Thank goodness she only had to pack her clothes and books,
ship home the box of letters, and she'd leave no trace.  "As soon as I can
arrange it."

"I see."

No, he didn't see.  That was the
problem.  She held her breath, waiting for him to ask her to stay, hoping the
thought of her leaving would open his eyes.  But then, maybe she was wrong. 
Maybe he didn't feel anything but desire and gratitude.  Maybe he wanted to go
back to Leona. 

Nathan swung his legs over the side
of the bed and buttoned his shirt.  "So much for the evening I
planned."

It could have been a wonderful
evening.  It could have been...

He added, "I'll tell Dana and
Maddie you said goodbye."

She'd like to tell them herself,
but it would be too difficult.  She cared too much.  And she couldn't bear to
see Nathan again.  Not after tonight.