Nature of Ash, The (22 page)

Jiao somehow coerces Mikey into helping put away our gear and clean the flat. They try to rouse me several times and fail, and eventually opt to leave me be while they start cooking dinner.

When there’s a knock at the door, it’s Mikey who runs to answer it.

‘Lucda!’ He drapes his arm around her shoulders as he steers her over to a chair.

I rise half-heartedly as Lucinda leans down to kiss my cheek. After all that effort to get back to see her, I suddenly couldn’t give a toss. The energy required to tell her what’s gone on is more than I can spare.

‘I’ve been so worried,’ she says. ‘That policewoman, Jeannie Smith, told me her son was shot.’

I glance around at Jiao, who’s lurking in the doorway. ‘Tell her,’ I say.
While Jiao gives a blow-by-blow account, Lucinda’s face runs the whole gamut from surprise, to shock, to horror and then — when Jiao describes the state of Mikey when we found him — tears.

‘Jesus. How could any mother do that?’

‘It sounds as though she’s hooked on crystal meth,’ says Jiao.

Lucinda shakes her head. Stands up and paces like a caged cat. ‘I’ve never heard anything like it — and believe me, I’ve heard a lot.’ She ends up over by the window, staring down at the burnt-out station where the heavy machines are still at work. She spins around. ‘Have you told anyone this yet?’

Jiao looks across at me. I suck in a deep breath and try to focus. ‘Only Erich.’

‘Okay … okay …’

Lucinda seems flummoxed, so I muster every tiny scrap of energy to shift the conversation on. I have to fulfil my promise to Jiao. ‘Please,’ I say, ‘we can deal with Mum later — you have to help us get Jiao’s parents released. That’s the number one priority now.’ I fumble in my pocket and produce Simon’s crumpled card. ‘You said you knew this guy. Is there some way he could help?’

Lucinda takes the card and nods. ‘If anyone will know what’s going on, it’s him, but as to whether he can help I have no idea. The situation is so bad it’s possible they’ve blocked his access to the farms. But I’ll certainly ask — he’s a really good guy.’ She taps the card against her chin. ‘Listen, have you had a chance to catch up with the latest news?’

‘Just once today,’ Jiao says. ‘Why? Have you heard something about the farms?’

‘No, not them.’ Lucinda squats down and rests her hand on my knee.
Nothing
. It doesn’t even make me blush. ‘Before we do anything, you and I need to talk.’ She glances over at Jiao. ‘Sorry, but there’s some legal issues I need to deal with right away.’

‘No problem,’ Jiao says. ‘Mikey and I will get on with dinner. You want to stay? It’s only vegetable stir-fry and rice.’ She makes it sound like an apology.

‘Thanks. That will be great.’

I force myself to get up and show Lucinda into Dad’s study. Close my eyes and sniff for traces of his smell.
Nothing, again.

‘You look like crap,’ Lucinda says. ‘Have you been eating?’

‘My appetite’s gone.’

‘I know this is hard, Ashley, but you have to look after yourself. Mikey needs you.’

‘You think I don’t fucking know that? What do you think I’ve been doing the last fourteen years? Ignoring him?’ I shake my head. ‘Look, sorry. I’m just completely whacked, that’s all.’ I drag the spare chair over to Dad’s desk and we both sit down. ‘So?’

Lucinda weaves her fingers together, forming a peak with her thumbs. ‘I have a very bad piece of news. Those threatening notes sent to your dad have somehow surfaced in the media.’

‘But they were handed over to the cops.’

‘I know. There’s something seriously fishy going on. But the real problem is that the insurance company was on to me about it double quick. Remember how I warned you they won’t pay out if they can prove Shaun bought insurance knowing his life was in danger?’

I just stare at her.
Par for the bloody course.
Did I
really
think someone would give me the money, no questions asked? There’s not even any point in getting mad with whoever broke the news — it probably never crossed their mind that someone like Dad would try to rort the system.
Oh god, and, there was that bloody message on the phone.

‘What’s this going to mean for Grandma’s care?’

‘She’s paid up till the end of the month. If the rest home doesn’t have a guarantee that you can pay after that, they’ll turf her out. I’m so sorry, Ashley. I’ve been phoning around to see who else might take her, but with things the way they are no one will take any financial risks. There are the state-run homes, but they’re really overcrowded and understaffed. We can keep trying, but we’ll be lucky to get her in.’

I shrug. ‘That puts the kibosh on uni once and for all then. I guess I’ll have to bring her home. Why not? I’ll invite Mum as well. One great big loony bin. Happy bloody families.’

‘There’s something else,’ Lucinda says. She runs her index finger through the dust that coats the top of the desk. ‘Now I’ve heard what you’ve just been through, I’m more inclined to think it’s true.’

‘What’s true?’

‘I have this friend who works in the Prime Minister’s Department.’

‘Poor her.’

A smile flits across her face. ‘Yeah. She hates his guts — the bastard.’

‘And?’

‘She told me she’d heard this rumour — I have to
make it clear it’s only a rumour, right?’ I nod. ‘She said she’d heard that the police know who threatened Shaun and planted the bomb — but the PM told them to bury it.’

My heart jump-starts. ‘Why?’

‘It wasn’t the UPR.’

I jerk to my feet. Have this awful premonition of what she’s going to say. ‘It was Muru, wasn’t it?’ Even bloody saying it makes me want to puke.

‘Look, I don’t know if it’s true. You know what the gossip round the halls of Parliament is like.’

I flop back in my chair.
She killed Dad. She knew his
whereabouts and had the means.
‘But why would the PM want to bury that and let us think it was the UPR?’

‘Come on, you’re a smart guy.’

As the answer hits me, all I can do is stare at her open mouthed.
The evil bastards.
How many people have died because the PM and his arsehole friends want to hijack the immoral high ground? They must have loved it when Muru handed them the excuse. Except … hang on, if that’s the case, then where does Jeannie fit in — if she knew about the notes, then surely it’s likely she knew about the cover-up too?

‘But why would Chandler want to drive us into war?’

‘If it’s true — and you have to remember, Ashley, it’s purely speculation for now, so don’t go saying anything or they’ll come down like a ton of bricks — but,
if
it’s true, the WA most likely suggested it. Wanting to deliver the UPR a warning. Remind them who’s the boss. The trouble is, they didn’t factor in the UPR’s obsession with saving face. Or our own domestic discontent. It’s a moot point whether they knew it would escalate like this.’

‘Ana says Muru’s really run by some group of dodgy State-siders. Do you think they knew it would fuel a whole anti-UPR war?’

Lucinda pins me with her gaze. ‘She said
what?
’

‘State-siders, who finance them and keep them armed.’

‘My god. That changes everything. Does she know who they—’

I’m suddenly conscious of voices beyond the door. There’s a knock.

‘Come in.’

We might be in my house, but Jeannie barely acknowledges me as she walks over to Lucinda, her hand outstretched. ‘Hi, I’m Jeannie Smith — it’s Lucinda, isn’t it? We spoke on the phone.’

‘That’s right,’ says Lucinda. She stands up. ‘I’m sorry to hear about your son. How is he?’

‘He’s just been helicoptered down. He’s fine, thank god.’ Now she looks straight at me. I stand, readying myself for an attack. But Jeannie simply drops a hand on each of my shoulders. ‘I’ve just spoken with Jiao,’ she says. ‘She’s confirmed what Travis told me, and briefly filled me in on all the rest. You poor bloody kids.’

She pulls me into an awkward embrace, but I remain completely rigid. She’s going to have to do rather more than hug me to convince me she’s not another devious lying bitch.

She must be able to sense that I’m seriously pissed off, because she drops her arms, backs away and sits down. There’s so much angry shit inside my head I wouldn’t be surprised if my ears are spurting steam.

‘Did you know the bomb was planted by Muru, Jeannie?’ Lucinda draws in a warning breath, but I ignore
her. ‘Just tell me the truth — no bullshit. No shitty little backroom games.’

Jeannie’s hand flies to her mouth as a blush flares up her neck, but she doesn’t speak.

Her total bloody inability to deny it hits me like a fist. ‘You’ve got two minutes to convince me why I shouldn’t tell you to fuck off.’ I don’t care if she
is
a cop. There’s nothing I hate more than playing games.

Still Jeannie doesn’t answer.

‘I think we should all take a moment to calm down,’ Lucinda says at last, beady-eyeing me and handing Jeannie a tissue from her sleeve. ‘This kind of talk won’t get us anywhere.’

With spookily good timing, Jiao taps on the door and elbows her way in with a tray of tea. ‘You are not going to fucking believe this,’ I say. ‘If Mikey’s occupied, I think you’d better stay in here.’

‘Okay, let me turn off the stove.’ Canned laughter from the TV floats in through the open door. ‘I’ll just be a mo.’

As soon as she’s back, Lucinda stands again, ready to speak, but Jeannie holds up her hand to halt her. Puts her fingers to her lips. Stands up. Goes over to the light switch by the door and pulls off the faceplate. Unscrews the switch from the wall. Pulls something out and tugs it till it comes away. She crushes it under her heel.

‘Okay,’ she says, ‘now tell me what the hell you mean.’

I stare at her, gobsmacked. Can’t bloody believe what I’ve just seen. Dad’s office has been bugged and Jeannie’s known all along.

‘
ME
TELL
YOU?
BUGGER THAT.’

‘For goodness’ sake, Ashley, who told you Muru was involved?’

I look at Lucinda.

‘I’ve had some information,’ Lucinda says. ‘It would appear to link the—’

‘Hold on, hold on,’ I say. ‘First you’ll explain how you knew about that bug.’

‘I’d need to go back to the start,’ Jeannie says.

‘Too damn right you do.’

‘One of our operatives checks all ambiguous messages in the personal columns, in case they’re used for illegal means. He noticed one that came up several years in a row—’

‘On Dad’s birthday,’ I say.

‘Exactly. By the third one, we’d figured out it was
intended for your father.’

‘Just who exactly do you work for?’ Lucinda’s whole demeanour has changed: she’s in full-blown lawyer mode. Cold as ice.

Jeannie glances at me, then looks away. ‘What kind of question is that? It’s hardly a secret that the police have an ongoing interest in Muru. In times like these, we have to keep our ears low to the ground.’

‘So why the hell couldn’t you stop them killing Dad?’

She holds up her hands. ‘Hold on. Let me finish. We suspected your mother might not have died, despite the court ruling, and we had pretty substantial evidence she was involved with Muru just before she disappeared. Then, early last year, one of our informants said she’d made contact with your father — turned up at his office late one night.’

‘She what? You mean Dad
saw
her?’ My pulse has switched to warp-drive.

‘It’s our understanding he ordered her to leave and told her never to make contact again.’

Why didn’t he put this in the letter?
I turn to Lucinda, who’s as pale as Jeannie now. ‘Did you know this?’

‘He never said a word. I don’t understand. I went up to Maungaroa. Why were my advances blocked if she was so keen for him to find her?’

Jeannie shrugs. ‘I don’t know. Maybe she didn’t want anyone besides Shaun to know. We tried as well, but no one would say a word. Muru have a reputation for deadly secrecy — and I mean deadly with a capital D.’

‘Are you saying you think she blew him up because he rejected her?’

‘Our informant claims Shaun wiped his hands of
her, so she had him
removed
in case he blew her cover. Plus, it probably feeds their agenda — I’ve heard they’re somehow linked in with the WA.’

Lucinda and I exchange glances.
State-siders.
‘Why would the WA want to be involved with mongrels like that?’ I ask.

‘They do it all the time,’ Lucinda says. ‘Use local protest groups to fuel whatever fire serves their power games the best.’

Jiao stands and walks around behind me. Drops a hand to my shoulder. Squeezes hard. I’m not sure if she’s steadying herself or me. ‘So you guys
never
thought the bomb was planted by the UPR?’

I’m amazed she can keep her voice so calm.

‘No,’ Jeannie says. ‘That speculation came from the media first.’

Lucinda clears her throat. ‘According to
my
sources, it came from the PM.’

‘You’re kidding?’ Jeannie’s gaze flicks to Jiao, then quickly shies away.

‘Why are you so convinced it was Muru?’ Lucinda presses on. ‘Where’s your proof?’

‘Well, there’s our informant. Plus the forensic experts say the bombing has all the hallmarks of their style.’

‘Why the hell didn’t you cops tell the public who you suspected, then? Why didn’t you tell
me?
’

‘Orders from the top,’ she says. ‘Though I had no idea it came from the PM.’

‘So do you know where Muru’s based?’ I ask. I’m not convinced one tiny bit. Chances are, that’s really why she’s here. She’s just using me for info.

‘No. We’ve nearly closed in on them twice over the
last ten years, but they slipped away. That’s why my boss wanted someone to go down to see you. I volunteered.’

‘You thought I knew all this?’

‘No, no. But we were worried you and Mikey might be next on the list. We were concerned she’d make contact if she thought Shaun had talked.’

‘Concern? My arse.’
You only ever used me to find Mum.
‘You let us walk right into it.’

‘I certainly did not! I was
supposed
to keep you under surveillance in the hope your mother would make a move to contact you and we could track her down. But once I’d met you and Mikey properly, my conscience took over. I couldn’t let you stay here when there was such a risk. All I wanted to do was get you somewhere where you’d have a chance to recover a bit. And hope like hell we caught Muru before you wanted to come back.’

‘Then why on earth didn’t you just tell me? I nearly got us all killed.’

‘How could I? Jesus Christ, Ashley, you poor kids had just lost your dad. I kept thinking what I’d want if you were
my
son — I’d want someone to show some compassion and concern, not burden him with even more pressure.’

‘Really? You’d be that worried about your son?’
Shall
I? Fuck it. Yes. She bugged our house.
‘So how come Trav’s such a bloody mess? You’d do far better putting your energy into spending time with him. If he keeps on going the way he is, he’ll drink himself to death.’

‘You don’t understand. He’s his own worst enemy. He feels sorry for himself — that’s the
other
reason I wanted you around him. I hoped that maybe if he saw
some kids with
real
problems he might snap out of his own self-pity and get on with his life.’

‘What? Wheel out the losers and the loonies so Trav won’t feel so bad?’
How dare she?
‘According to
him,
since his father left the country you’ve spent all your time at work.’
Good. A direct hit.
‘As for a job … you
know
he wants to be an actor — and, by the way, he’s bloody good.’ I’m yelling now. Can’t stop myself. ‘How the hell can you decide our fates without giving us the bloody choice to do it ourselves?’

Mikey bursts into the room. ‘Ashy, what’s wrong?’ He pushes past Jeannie and grabs my hand.

‘It’s okay.’ I squeeze his fingers and pull him into a quick hug. ‘I was just being silly.’

His bottom lip quivers. ‘Sure?’

‘Sure.’ I walk him back over to the door. ‘You finish watching while I wind this up, then we’ll have dinner, okay?’

‘No shouting?’

‘No, mate. I promise.’ I pat his back and watch him plod back over to the sofa. He’s looking thinner. Has big bruised bags under his eyes. ‘I’m just going to shut the door so we can’t hear the TV, okay?’

‘No! Not alone!’

Bloody Mum.
‘No sweat.’ I leave it ajar. Turn back to Jeannie, who’s crumpled in her chair.
Let her be the one to apologise.

‘I’m sorry, okay? I did it with the best of intentions.’

‘Oh right. You bug our house—’

‘Not me,’ she says. ‘The listening device has been there for years. I only found out about it when I did some digging of my own. You’d be surprised how many
people in this country are under surveillance.’

‘Well, I hope you all had a good laugh listening to my private time with Dad.’

‘Ashley, it’s not like that — they have certain key words and phrases—’

‘You think I care how the hell they do it, Jeannie? You listened to our lives. You knew full well Dad was in trouble, and now you’ve failed him you’ve set me and Mikey up as bait. That’s really low. That’s the bloody pits.’

‘I know.’ Big sweat stains have bloomed under her arms. ‘That’s why I disobeyed my orders. And I would’ve got away with it if the train hadn’t been stopped. Believe me, when you all disappeared that really got me in the poo.’

‘They’ve discovered what you did?’ Lucinda asks.

Jeannie laughs drily. ‘You could say that. They stood me down. It was only when word came through about Travis that they called me back. I was told I had one last chance to lure Grace out into the open — using you.’

What freaks me out is how Ray and Mum’s paranoia about us was right on the mark. We
were
decoys.
Quack
fucking quack.
Whichever version turns out to be true, we still lose.

‘And what about my parents?’ Jiao edges towards Jeannie until she’s standing over her, hands on hips. ‘You let people think it was the UPR, knowing full well everyone who looks like me will pay the price.’

‘That was
not
my call.’

‘Innocent people are being murdered.’ Lucinda’s so angry, her voice is shaking. ‘Our whole country is in mortal danger and you’re going to wash your hands of
this even though you know we’ve all been used?’

‘Jesus Christ, I’m only one person. I had my concerns and tried to do some asking round. It’s not been easy either — they blamed me for allowing Ashley’s outburst to the media and told me I had better keep him quiet or I’d lose my job. And when those threatening notes disappeared I dug around until I was officially cautioned to butt out. I had no choice. However much Travis resents me for it, I have to work — who else will support him?’

‘But you’re the one who handed the threats over in the first place! You must have known no one was going to do a bloody thing — except leak them to the media as further proof to back their lies.’

‘Why the hell would I think that? We’re supposed to be the good guys here. We’re the law.’ She’s so red I swear if I touched her face I’d burn.

Lucinda’s on the prowl again ‘Good guys? These kids have lost their whole bloody inheritance thanks to you.’

‘What?’ Jeannie looks punch drunk.

As Lucinda explains about the insurance, I feel like someone’s pulled a plug and drained out all my blood. There’s nothing left to say. I’ve no idea if Trav’s already blabbed about where Mum and Ray are hiding. Frankly, right now I don’t care. I lay my arms across the desk and sink my head on to them, sniffing in the remnants of the beeswax Dad used to buff the wood.
Note to self: only trust people who — who — oh fuck. Who cares? Trust no one — except Mikey and Jiao.

Their voices go on and on, but I’m no longer following. Just want them all to go the hell away. I understand what Jeannie’s trying to say. I even understand she thinks she
did her best. What I
don’t
understand is why she didn’t tell me the truth. Or why the cops would give in to the PM’s pressure and allow the lie. Dad always insisted that the cops were on the side of good. Now I’m not so sure.

Eventually I hear the buzzing of their conversation peter out. Hear them whisper that I must be sleeping so they’ll leave me be.
Thank god.
I wait until they close the study door, then slowly stand up. Pick up the crushed listening device and turn it over in my hand. It’s like they’ve gone through all our dirty undies and had a damn good sniff.

I switch on Dad’s PC and click through to his photo files. Go right back to before Mikey was born. There’s a picture of Mum pregnant with me — cupping her huge naked belly in her hands and smiling like she’s won the lottery. Another when I’m only a few minutes old: a scrunched-up bald munchkin cradled in her arms. There’s some fancy-dress party where we’re all decked out like elves, right down to pointy ears. And, yes, there she is, helping me fly the handmade dragon kite.

When I was small I’d look through all these photos for hours, the sight of her and Dad so happy — so in love — making me feel safe and warm. The knowledge I was deeply loved was comforting when I thought about her death. At least I never had to wonder, like all my friends whose parents had split and one or other buggered off. I felt so lucky in comparison.
What a fucking joke.

Now I flick forward through time and there she is expecting Mikey. She looks tired and fed up, but nothing in the picture hints at the monster inside. Nor in this one either, when Mikey was first born. No smiles, though, as she kisses the top of his big head, and maybe there’s
a shadow in her eyes. The last picture taken before she disappeared seems so obvious now: I’m holding Mikey in my lap, grinning like the Cheshire Cat while Mum glowers at the camera (and presumably Dad). Her hair is straggly. Her clothes all wrinkled and loose. Was it really Mikey’s birth that tipped the balance? Or was the killer lurking inside from the moment she was born?
What if it takes some crisis to appear, like Mum having Mikey, or me losing Dad?
I shudder. Turn the computer off and back away.

My heart’s beating so fast I can’t stay still. I roam around the room, picking things up, putting them down. Wiping dust from the covers of Dad’s books. Tidying his papers into piles. How could they have listened in? This was the one place Dad and I could talk without Mikey. It was Dad’s sanctuary. His haven. And mine.
I don’t know
what to do.
Everyone is lying. Everyone is playing games. Do I tell Jeannie where Mum is?
I Don’t Know What To Do.
And if I don’t tell her, will Mum come after Mikey and me? And Trav? And Jiao? Jeezus, how the hell do I help Jiao?
I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO.

I pick up a pile of bills and throw them in the bin. Then another pile of papers and another. Snatch the overflowing bin and chuck it at the wall. Then the desk lamp. Then the chair. Have to keep moving. Throwing. Swearing. Kicking. Can’t breathe. Can’t think. Can’t stop myself punching the walls. Can’t think. Can’t think. Can’t think. Can’t think.

Mikey bursts into the room. Runs over to me and grips me tight to stop me hitting out. I twist and snarl. Fight with all my strength to get away, but he doesn’t let go. I kick his shin. Spit in his face. He knocks my feet
out from under me and we both fall to the floor. Still he pins me down. Still I fight.

‘It’s okay, Ashy, it’s okay.’ His steel grip won’t let up, no matter how I struggle — and, by god, I fucking do. ‘Shhhh,’ he sprays into my ear. ‘Mikey’s here.’

The fear and confusion in his voice cuts me in two. I start to cry. Big painful sobs that rock us both. Mikey’s crying too, patting my back the way I pat his, whispering the same comfort words I’ve said to him a million bloody times before. I can’t control myself, can’t stop. I have no choice but to drown.

‘I’ve fucked everything up,’ I gasp. ‘I don’t know what to do. I just want Dad back. I just want Dad.’