Necessary Endings (28 page)

In my experience with businesses and individuals, not paying attention to sustainability is one of the most common reasons that they get into trouble, sometimes unrecoverable trouble. Why? Because the assets, be they financial or human, get total y spent. At that point, the people or businesses are out of options, and no good choices remain. Sustainability keeps options alive, and as long as you have options, you have hope.

But without the ability to keep going because you or your other assets are gone, you have very limited choices and are forced to accept options that you would not have chosen. Therefore, there are few better contexts to execute endings than in situations that are unsustainable.

What I want you to take away from this discussion is the push to look at some areas of your life and work that may be on an unsustainable path.

So let’s look at some questions that might help you honestly assess your situation:

• Are you in an emotional state right now that is not sustainable? I am not talking about just a “hard time” or a time that you would not
want
to continue forever. Life is ful of difficulties, but with proper support and other resources, we can endure them if we have to and if we have a good reason to. What I am referring to is a hard time that is truly not sustainable and often continues for no good reason. Are you in a state that is eating your heart, mind, soul, or energy in such a way that you are headed for some sort of crash or burnout?

• Are you in a physical state right now that is not sustainable? Too much travel? Too little sleep? Too much “on the go”? Too much taxing of your physical system? For a prolonged period of time with no end in sight? Too little exercise? Too much junk food?

• Are you in a state right now in your relationships that is not sustainable? Is there some relationship that is depleting or damaging you? Is there a context in which you feel compromised or forced to adapt to another person’s needs and demands out of fear? Are you in a situation where someone has power over you and is slowly diminishing you?

• Are you in a professional state right now that is not sustainable? In your work, is something going on in the culture or in your relationship with your boss that you cannot continue long-term without some sort of damage to your drive, talents, or passion? This does not include al difficult cultures or bosses, as most people have some period of time in a setting like that, which real y builds them or equips them over time, even if it is hard. What I am referring to is something that is not equipping you or causing you to grow but is slowly wearing you down or kil ing something inside of you.

• Are you in a spiritual state right now that is not sustainable? In your spirit, is something causing you to be diminished? Is hope being deferred in some way that is causing a sickness of spirit? Are you losing a sense of meaning in life? Is something happening that is causing you to feel depleted of a sense of purpose, mission, transcendence, love, or other spiritual dimensions? A diminished belief in humanity or diminished faith? Is your ability to hope being affected?

• Are you in a financial state right now that is not sustainable? In your business or personal finances, are your expenses greater than what’s coming in, with no end in sight? Is the curve between investment and certain returns way out of whack? Do you not know how your real, fixed, non-negotiable expenses are going to be covered in the current path that you are on? Said another way, if something does not change, are you going to run out of money and have no options? If “cash equals options,” are you on a path of diminishing options?

• Are your energy reserves being depleted in a way that is not sustainable? Is there something so draining to your energy that you have to make yourself keep going? Do you have to drag yourself in a particular path continual y? Is there a clear drain that is causing that?

• Are you letting your strengths fal into disuse in a way that is not sustainable? Are you on a course where your strengths are not available to you? Are you being cornered, at work or elsewhere, in a way that requires you to be “not you” most of the time? Is the real you slowly going to sleep? Do you fear that it may not be able to be reawakened?

• Do you find yourself in a situation where you are overextended in some way, one that began as an anomaly but now has become a pattern?

Many times this happens with a person’s schedule or workload. What they thought was going to be a lot of work or extra hours or effort for a while has now become what is required to keep it al going, as the entity or enterprise has become
shaped and formed around exactly that
ingredient
,
all that effort from just one source—you.
So what was supposed to be a season has now become a pattern, the new normal.

Al of these scenarios are examples in which continuing to spend yourself or other resources diminishes or does damage to you or them. That is not sustainable long-term, which means that you are on a path to an end of something, a part of either you or your business, and not by choice. And that is a fact that you cannot ignore.

Remember that I am not talking about sacrifice or other kinds of proactive decisions that a person makes to go forward in something that costs them. We al do that, and it is an important requirement for maturity. We choose difficult paths for good reasons. What I am talking about is a passive and negative state that you find yourself in over time, a state with no benefits and nothing but diminishing returns. That is not sustainable.

So remember to watch out for those situations in life or in business that diminish you or your assets over time. That should be an alarm to move immediately to stop the outflow, reorganize, bring in some sort of help, make a change, or do some kind of ending, which is more than necessary. It is vital in the truest sense of the word. It does not mean that you have to end anything in the “big picture,” but it does mean that you have to end at least the dynamic that is unsustainable. For example, I talked earlier about a spouse in an unsustainable position with an addict husband. She did not end her marriage, but she did end the dynamic that was destroying her and their relationship, one that was unsustainable.

So take inventory, and look at what is net negative in any of the life categories. If it is not leading somewhere that wil end up reversing the negative outflow, plan an ending. I suggest also that you ask yourself where you are in the timeline of sustainability. Just as a business has to know its cash position and when it wil run out, you have to know that in al of the above dimensions as wel . Try this: ask yourself whether you are in the first, second, or third trimester of when you are going to run out and be ful y depleted. Let that be a guide to exactly how urgent
urgent
has to be.

Then get moving. Everything depends on it.

Conclusion: It’s All About the Future

M
y friend Brian and I were having dinner a few months ago, right in the middle of the writing of this book. I could not help but focus in on the endings aspect of what he was saying. When I asked him how he was doing, he basical y, without knowing it, practical y repeated the entire book to me.

“I am in a great place,” he said. “I never in my wildest dreams would have thought that I would have ended up where I am now, but I am just very grateful.”

“What in particular were you thinking about?” I asked.

“Wel , I just went on this silent retreat, and part of the emphasis was to meditate on gratitude. I was instructed to think, mul over, meditate on, and savor al of the things that I could think of that I was grateful for. And I realized something,” he said.

“What was that?” I asked him.

“I realized that so much of my life, the real y good stuff, came about not real y at al as a result of my being smart enough to plan it that way. In fact, it even made me more grateful to see that. I could never have planned my life the way that it has unfolded. It has been a total gift, I believe.”

“What led you to the insight that it was better than you had planned?” I inquired.

“Wel , I looked at the whole picture. I know this sounds a little too idealistic, but it is true. I am in a place now in midlife where I absolutely love my work, each and every day. I am financial y set for life, even if I never work another day. I am in a real y good marriage with real y great kids. I have wonderful friends and community. I could go on and on. Not that it is perfect by any measure. You know the traumas that I have gone through,” he said. “But the big picture of it al is that it is healthy. It has life to it. I am surrounded by good people and by meaningful activities.”

“Yeah, that is true,” I said. “You have a pretty good picture in its entirety.”

“But what I realized was that al of it—from my wife to what I do to the community of friends that I have, the whole thing—was not something I real y knew how to do. It al came from something else,” he said.

“Something else?” I asked.

“Yes. None of it was what I put on a whiteboard at twenty-five and said, ‘I want that woman, that job, that neighborhood, et cetera.’ Al of it came from whatever I did
before
. Then, when the ‘before’ ended, it led to the ‘next thing.’ I could not have ever planned al of the ‘next steps.’ But there was a pattern that emerged. Every time something ended, that ending led to the next thing that was what I needed and was looking for,” he said.

When I heard him say
ending
, I asked him to say more. Authors do that when they are writing a book on a certain topic and there is an il ustration of it standing right there. Little did I know how true that was, until he kept going.

“Wel , I don’t know how to describe it al , but I realized that it always took some kind of ending of one thing to get to the next. Out of that step, whatever it was, the next level was born. When I left my old company and joined the next one, if you remember, it just opened everything al up. It took it to a huge new level that I could not have foreseen. My job, it seems, was just to take the step that seemed right, and take the step of ending one thing so the next could happen. When I did, it always came.

“Remember the woman that I dated before Jil? Many people thought she was ‘the one.’ But I knew that there were some things that were important to me that were missing. Again, it took a big step to end that relationship, but that is when Jil came along.

“Then, after the company grew, al of those new and bigger opportunities came along because I saw that Jeremy and I were great friends and had been great business partners in those growth years but weren’t real y going in the same direction. So we had to split. I had to end our partnership. And when that ending came, look what emerged! That is when al of this came along, and the rest is history. But I could never have foreseen any of that. That is what makes me grateful. Every time, the next step ‘just came.’ It just did.

“But . . . I have to say something. In this retreat, I also had to be a little proud of myself, kind of grateful to me, if you wil . Not in terms of making great things happen, because I see al of the good stuff I have, as I have said, as a gift from above. One thing led to the next, and I did not or could not have planned it. But what I am proud of is that each time it was time to take the step, I did have the courage, and the trust and faith, to end what I needed to end in order for the next thing to happen.

“As I am talking to my son about success, that is the picture that is coming together for me. I am tel ing him, Son, let me give you the formula.

First, you have to do the very, very best you can do at each step along the way. Wherever you find yourself, be the best you can be and make the best out of whatever that is. Make it work the best that it can work, doing whatever is in your power.

“Second, when it is time to have the courage to take the next step, you have to do that and not be afraid. I am not talking about being risky or making stupid moves. But I am talking about not being afraid to take bold steps when it is obviously time. That takes courage and faith, but you have to do that when it is time.

“Then, third, return to the first thing I said. Pour yourself into where you find yourself and make it al that it can be. And if it was a wrong step, that won’t matter, because you would have performed wel , learned some things in the process, and people wil notice your performance and wil value it. That is why you won’t have to worry about tomorrow, because you wil have done so wel yourself, even if it is a bad deal or outcome. People wil know from watching you. And you wil be ready for what is next.

“So, I just had this incredible awareness that in a strange way, everything I have that is of value has come from being wil ing to end something that I was doing and go to the next step. The endings and the great new beginnings are somehow linked together. You can’t have one without the other.

It is a weird paradox, but that is what I real y think.”

I could not improve on that. It il ustrates so wel what we have been talking about throughout this book. Your next step always depends on two ingredients: how wel you are maximizing where you are right now and how ready you are to do what is necessary to get to the next place. And sometimes that depends on ending some of what is happening today. As my friend’s path il ustrates, that is a winning combination for the best tomorrow you can find. You do your part, have faith, and tomorrow wil take care of itself. But remember, for the right tomorrow to come, some parts of today may have to come to a necessary ending.

Acknowledgments

E
very book has its own life, and this one was no exception. It began in the day-to-day trenches and war rooms of many excel ent leaders, in various businesses, over many years, as they grappled with dilemmas involving difficult, but necessary, endings. From there, the patterns began to be clear and the next step was to somehow figure out how to communicate both the necessity, and the difficulty, of those crucial endings in one book. It happened with the help of a few people whom I would like to thank.