Necessary Endings (29 page)

Hol is Heimbouch, my publisher at Harper, was instrumental in helping me integrate the tandem themes of how endings affect not only business, but life. Her big picture acumen, along with the line-by-line help, added much to keeping the business and the personal tethered, as they are in real life. Her ability to walk in many pairs of shoes was clear throughout.

Jan Mil er and Shannon Marven, my literary agents—to you I cannot say enough thanks. Jan, for your scope of publishing knowledge and strategic input that gives feet to many missions—thanks for helping me with mine. And Shannon, you are a rock star. Unsurpassed in the hard work of making publishing projects work in the right place at the right time in the right way.

To Sandy Vander Zicht for her editorial help as wel . As usual, I find a way to use more words than are necessary and you “ended” that tendency wel in many instances. :-)

Matt Inman at Harper, thanks for al of your hard work keeping it al moving forward and for the technical expertise needed for those hard questions.

Index

The pagination of this electronic edition does not match the edition from which it was created. To locate a specific passage, please use the
search feature of your e-book reader.

abused women, 11, 144

activities, excessive, 46–48

addicts, 102, 106–7, 108, 114, 139; enabling and, 67; interventions with, 152, 155; relationships with, 86–87, 142, 154, 166, 178, 226; resistance from friends of, 188

admission of need, 105–6

Al en, Woody, 51

Amazon, 85

anger, al owing oneself to feel, 213

Apple, 102

AT&T, 78–79, 211–12

authoritarian approach, 171–72

auto industry, 10

average performance, 24; thriving vs., 18–19

bad guy, not being, 193–96

Bezos, Jeff, 85

blaming, 22, 135

bureaucracy, Welch’s intolerance of, 25, 27

careers, second, 35–38, 44

Carver, Charles, 64

change, 3; accepting other people’s refusal of, 48–51; admitting need for, 105–6; creating urgency for, 149–72; creating vision of, 159–62; determining who is capable of, 97–101, 119–47; difficult to implement, 190–91; ending career and starting a new one, 35–38, 44; energy for, 112–16; getting everyone on board for, 83; hopelessness as motivator for, 81–82, 84–87, 116; letting go of past and, 75, 76–81; life cycles and seasons and, 40–46, 81; monitoring systems and, 104; new experiences and skil s and, 104; people’s capacity for, 102–9; proven processes of, 102–3; seeing movement in process of, 108–9; self-sustaining motivation for, 104–5; skil ed help and, 107–8; structures for, 103, 104, 162–66; support for, 106–7, 156–59.
See also
pruning moment; resistance to change character: integration of, 33; problems vs. patterns and, 144–45; three categories of behavior and, 121–24 (
see also
evil people; foolish people; wise people); worthiness of trust and, 97–101, 121–47

codependent mapping, 66–69

Col ins, Jim, 73, 75, 110–11

comfort level: with endings, 37–38; with misery, 150, 151; moving out of (
see
urgency, creating) conflict-free aggression, 58–59

consequences, setting: with foolish people, 138–39, 140–42; for making and missing deadlines, 164

control, sense of loss of, 54–57

the conversation, 199–210; agreeing on what happened in, 207; dealing with defensiveness and reactions in, 207–8; dread of, 201; going squishy on truth in, 204; having others present at, 208; integrating concern for other person with truth inside yourself before, 204–5; practice and role-play for, 205–6; setting specific goals for, 203–4; sidetracking in, 202–4; tone in, 206; validating person and relationship in, 206–7

cost cutting, 29–30

covering for others, 62–63

creative people, focus problems of, 25–26

Csikszentmihalyi, Mihaly, 170

“date night,” micropruning and, 31–32

deadlines, setting, 162–64, 182

defensiveness: dealing with, in the conversation, 207–8; of foolish people, 131–36

delusional attitudes, 75, 76

denial, 27, 75, 140, 141, 142, 147.
See also
resistance to change

divorce, metabolizing experience of, 219–20

Drucker, Peter, 71, 75, 147, 169

Ecclesiastes, 8, 26, 46

emotional state, sustainabilty and, 223–24

empathy, 129, 204, 207–8

enabling, codependent mapping and, 66–69

“ending al iances,” 156–59

endings: avoidance of, 9–12; believed to mean failure, 63–64; comfort level with, 37–38; forced upon us, 11–12; taking next step and, 227–30; universality of, 6–9; unnecessary, 116

ending things wel , 199–210; grieving process and, 211–15; metabolizing experience and, 215–20; not burning bridges and, 210.
See also
the conversation

energy for change, 112–16; creating structure for, 114–16; in personal life, 115–16

energy reserves, depletion of, 225

entrepreneurs, start-up mentality of, 42–43

evil, accepting existence of, 48–51

evil people, 122–23, 142–44, 147, 210

executive coaching, 108

executive decisions, 171–72

expenses, cutting, 29–30

experiences: new, 104.
See also
past

external resistances, 187–91

Facebook, 46–47

failure: accepting existence of, 48–51; endings perceived as, 63–64

failure to launch syndrome, 11, 69

fal , tasks of, 42, 43, 44

false hope, 26, 85–86

“family” culture, companies with, 67–69

family-owned companies, 67, 69

fearlessness, 73, 82

feedback: foolish people’s responses to, 131–40; immediacy of, 171; three possible positive results of, 22–23; wise people’s responses to, 126–31

fight-or-flight response, 38, 58, 136, 206

financial state, sustainabilty and, 224–25

Finkelstein, Sydney, 75, 76

firing, 7; bottom 10 percent of work force, 25, 26–27; facing the facts about need for, 3–4; inability to learn and, 22; for inadequate performance, 22, 107, 205; person in wrong job or business, 22.
See also
the conversation foolish people, 122–23, 131–42, 143, 147; resistant to feedback, 131–40; setting consequences with, 138–39, 140–42; strategies for dealing with, 136–42; traits of, 134–36

founders, start-up mentality of, 42–43

future, 130; creating vision of, 159–62; making real the threat to, 151–56; past as predictor of, 92–97, 99

Gates, Bil , 46–47

GE, 24–28, 75; mere cost cutting vs. pruning at, 29–30.
See also
Welch, Jack Girkins, Moe, 211–12, 215

giving up effort vs. commitment, 64

global economic crisis of 2008, 9–10; internal maps and, 54–57

Good to Great
(Col ins), 73

grieving for necessary endings, 211–15; forward motion in, 213; rebound tendencies and, 213–15; symbolic events in, 211–12, 215

growth: endings necessary for, 7; from hurtful experiences, 21; pruning necessary for, 20; receptiveness to feedback and, 126–28

gut checks: sustainability of your situations, 223–25; your feelings about pruning, 19–23, 82; your internal map, 58–60

harm: hurt vs., 21, 59, 65; people who truly want to do, 51, 120, 142–44

helplessness, learned, 55, 56, 70–71

hoarding, 178–80

Hol ywood romances, 186–87

hope, 84–86; adding new wisdom and, 109–11; determining when to hold onto, 91–117, 130–31; energy for change and, 112–16; false, 26, 85–86; past as predictor and, 92–97, 99; real, objective reasons for, 90, 91–117; receptiveness to feedback and, 126–28; strengths movement and, 145–46; wishing vs., 87–89, 91–92, 97; worthiness of trust and, 97–101

hopelessness: awareness of, as path to pruning moment, 74–76, 81–82, 86–87, 89–90, 132, 147; as change motivator, 81–82, 84–87, 116; past performance and, 96–97; resistance to feedback and, 133–34; unnecessary endings and, 116; when to suspend, 101–9

hurting someone, fear of, 21–23, 204

hurt vs. harm, 21, 59, 65

Hybels, Bil , 115

identity, separating outcomes from, 63–64

incompatible wishes, 173–76

incurable sickness, accepting existence of, 48–51

innovation, pruning moment and, 76–81, 82–83, 86

integration of character, 33

internal conflict, overcoming, 36–38

internal maps, 54–71, 84; abnormal y high threshold for pain and, 61–62; belief that ending is failure and, 63–64; codependent, 66–69; covering for others and, 62–63; examining, 58–60, 83; global economic crisis of 2008 and, 54–57; misunderstood loyalty and, 64–66; past experiences and, 70–71

investment decisions, 97

iPhone, 78

Jobs, Steve, 102

King, Martin Luther, 156

Kotter, John, 151–52, 155, 166, 189, 190

Krames, Jeffrey, 75

“later” notion, 181–82

leaders: born vs. made, 73–74; successful, in touch with reality, 74–76

learning: from experience, 126–28, 217–18; firing people incapable of, 22–23

leaving career, 35–38

leaving job, 7, 11

life cycles and seasons, 6, 7, 8, 20; accepting, normalization of endings and, 40–46, 50–51, 82–83; getting to pruning moment and, 77, 78

life produces too much life, acceptance of, 46–48, 50–51, 58

limits: desire to live without, 50; setting with foolish people, 138

loyalty, misunderstood, 64–66

Manning, Peyton, 63–64, 73

marriage: energy for change in, 113; hopelessness leading to change in, 86–87; life cycles and seasons and, 44–45; spouses’ strengths and, 146; “whole vision” paradox and, 185–86.
See also
relationships

measuring progress: monitoring systems and, 104; ongoing need for, 169–71

medicating thoughts, 178–85; hoarding and, 178–80; “later” notion, 181–82; selective memory, 182–85

meetings, micropruning and, 30–31, 32

memory, selective, 182–85

mental maps.
See
internal maps

mentor relationships, outgrowing, 65

metabolizing necessary endings, 215–20; grieving and, 211–15; team dynamics and, 218–19

micropruning, 30–32

mistakes: learning from, 217–18; repetition of, 12, 218

monitoring systems, 104

Motorola, 77, 78–79, 80, 82, 85–86, 151

Mulcahy, Anne, 48

nagging, 137, 152

negative: hurt-harm distinction and, 21, 59, 65; redefining meaning of, 21–22

new experiences and skil s, in change process, 104

Nokia, 78–79, 86

NoNos, 189–90

nonprofits, 67

normalizing necessary endings, 35–51, 82–83; accepting life cycles and seasons, 40–46, 50–51, 58, 82–83; accepting that incurable sickness and evil exist, 48–51; accepting that life produces too much life, 46, 50–51; contrasting stories of Blair and Geoff, 35–40, 44

number one or two in market, focusing on, 24, 25, 161

obsolescence, expecting and planning for, 76–81, 82–83

optimism: false hope vs., 26; internal maps and, 56

outcomes: detachment from, 176–78; separating identity from, 63–64

overextension, pattern of, 225

pain: abnormal y high threshold for, 61–62; acclimation to, 53–54, 55, 61; learned helplessness and, 55, 56, 70–71; as motivator, 53–54, 151, 166–69; with a purpose vs. pain for no good reason, 53–71; tolerance for, 155

parents, failure to launch syndrome and, 11, 69

past: impact of, on thinking about endings, 70–71; letting go of, 75, 76–81; as predictor of future, 92–97; metabolizing past experiences from, 215–20

patterns vs. problems, 144–45

perceived errors, 59

performance, inadequate: firing for, 22, 107, 205; making someone aware of, 22–23

perseverance: internal maps and, 63–64; not knowing when to move on and, 37, 39

personal life: applying pruning and necessary endings to, 32–33; endings necessary in, 7; energy for change in, 115–16; getting stuck in, 7–8.

See also
marriage; relationships

physical state, sustainabilty and, 223–24

playing the movie forward, 151–56

positive and negative, redefining meaning of, 21–22

powerful coalitions, 157

problem solving, 39, 130

problems vs. patterns, 144–45

professional issues, sustainability and, 224

pruning, 7, 15–33; accepting that life produces too much life and, 46; avoidance of, 19; in business and in life, 17–19; cost cutting and, 29–30; defined, 17; in gardening, 15–17; gut check to examine feelings about, 19–23, 38, 82; intel ectual and emotional responses to idea of, 19–

20, 82; size of business and, 18; subcategory (micropruning), 30–32; toward purpose, 23–29

pruning moment, 24; awareness of hopelessness and, 74–76, 81–82, 86–87, 89–90, 132, 147; getting to, 73–90, 116; leadership qualities and, 73–76; at Welch Al yn, 76–81, 82–83, 86, 87, 89–90, 91.
See also
change quitting, viewed as failure, 63–64

real estate developers, 43, 82

reality: defining, 23–24; future, making real the threat to, 151–56; getting in line with, 50–51, 74–76, 81, 82, 84, 86, 89; hope distortion and, 84, 85–86; stuckness and, 54

relationships: with addicts, 86–87, 142, 154, 166, 178, 226; breaking off, support groups and, 158–59, 165; communicating end of, 206–7, 209; detachment from particular outcome in, 177–78; endings necessary in, 7; false hope and, 88; getting stuck in, 7–8; hopelessness leading to change in, 86–87, 90; incompatible wishes in, 174–75; “later” card in, 182; life cycles and seasons and, 44–45; metabolizing necessary ending of, 219–20; misunderstood loyalty and, 64–66; not being bad guy in, 193–96; overabundance of, 46–48; past as predictor in, 92–93; seeing future reality and, 154; self-selection and, 196, 197; sustainabilty and, 223–24; validating, 206–7; “whole vision” paradox and, 185–87.
See also
marriage

resistance to change, 149, 150, 173–91; attachment to a particular outcome and, 176–78; bred of success, 76–77, 79, 85–86; comfort level and, 150, 151; external resistances and, 187–91; of foolish people, 131–40; incompatible wishes and, 173–76; “later” and, 181–82; medicating thoughts and, 178–85; selective memory and, 182–85; “whole vision” paradox and, 185–87