Nerd Girl (38 page)

I had forgotten until just now about my little stunt at his team’s happy hour. It was hard to believe that that was only a few weeks ago.

“You seem to have luck with this list of yours,” he said with wry sarcasm.

“Oh, that. Sorry,” I said guiltily and bit my lip.

“You once told me that you guys were just friends. But it looked extra friendly when I saw you together last week. Were you telling me the truth?” he asked curtly. “You guys never went out?”

I felt the temperature in the room dip slightly. “It was just a ploy to get your attention. I was pissed at you,” I said in my defense. “I’m sorry; it was wrong for me to do, to both you and Kyle, though you kind of deserved it at the time.”

“I’m glad you haven’t dated him.”

I dipped a shelled crab leg into a bowl of melted butter and watched Ryan struggle with the crab cracker. “You’re being so chivalrous, cracking the shell off of all the crab for me.” I said, trying to change the subject.

He wanted to do the honors and wouldn’t let me help. “That’s how much I love you,” he said, keeping his concentration focused on cracking the huge crab claw in his hand.

“I love you, too, Ryan,” I replied.

He paused with the crab cracking and gazed up at me. I saw gratitude and reverence in his eyes. How could he look at me like that? I’m the one that was so thankful for his presence in my life. He turned his life upside down for me, to be with me, yet he looked at me like somehow I was the prize.

“What do you like about me, exactly?” I asked, genuinely curious.

“You smell good, you have great tits and a nice ass,” he said and grinned.

I gently shoved him with my elbow. I was glad to see his happier mood had returned and he seemed to have packed away the Kyle episode.

Ryan laughed heartily. “Oh, you mean aside from your tits and ass?”

I shot him an exasperated look.

He pressed his lips together, mulling over how to best answer my question. “Well, I think you’re intelligent, kind, and very beautiful. There’s something very refreshing, trusting, and sweet about you, but I think you’re also strong and brave. I admire your independence and your conviction on what is right and wrong. I like that your life doesn’t revolve around your work.”

My eyebrow rose at what I thought was a misconception about me. Sometimes, I knew that I let work get to me way too much, but it made sense that he would think that of me, since I was essentially giving up my MS career for him. My career had always been something I was proud of. And now
… well, now I was actually finding myself giving it up for a guy. I never thought I would consciously do something like that, and it didn’t sit very well with me.

“I mean, if you think about it, what attracts people to one another?” he continued. “There are lots of attractive, bright, people out there, but what brings us together, exactly? Is it chemistry? Is it fate? I don’t even know how to begin contemplating what stars aligned to have brought you to me. What I
do
know is how you make me feel. And for the first time in my life, I’m embracing it,” he said with determination. “You make me feel selfish and better for it.”

Huh?
“Um, yes, I guess I bring out only the good in you,” I said sarcastically.

“What I mean is that I’ve always felt too responsible, too accountable, for
everyone
. I take risks in my career, but with family and relationship, I play it safe. Obviously.” He rolled his eyes at his indirect reference to his ex. “I’ve always done the right thing.”

“And that’s bad because …?” I was confused.

“Julia, I would’ve jumped off a plane to be with you. I would’ve fought crocodiles or walked on hot coals. After I met you, I felt younger, freer
… more alive. When I wasn’t completely truthful with you when we first met, I knew I was doing something I shouldn’t be doing. But it was also one of the few times in my life that my irresponsibility gave me a rush. I didn’t care. I just wanted and needed to be with you.”

Holy shit. This man has a way with words.

“You made me selfish, because I wanted you so badly,” he whispered, “I was willing to risk everything for you.”

“Thank goodness you were so, uh
… selfish,” I replied. I guess for someone as selfless as Ryan, being selfish actually seemed like a good thing.

We ate our dinner in silence for a while. I was so stunned by his honest and passionate confession that it pretty much left me speechless. He seemed to do that often.

“Same question,” he said, startling me out of my thoughts. “What do you like about me?”

How would I even be able to match his answer?
“You’re hot and you’re rich,” I said, straight-faced, thinking I’d try giving him a taste of his own medicine.

“Yeah, I’ve heard that’s a common opinion.” He grinned and winked.

I laughed. “I don’t know; you just make me
… happy. You make me feel cherished, I guess.” I blushed and made myself look him in the eye. “I love how you say what’s on your mind. I admire your thoughtfulness and sensitivity to others. You’re probably the smartest person I know. I think that makes you very sexy.” I gazed up at him sheepishly through my eyelashes. I couldn’t help feeling like the damsel in distress whose prince laid his coat over a mud puddle for her to walk over. Snapping out of it, I said more strongly, “I love that you force me to have different perspective.”

“How do you mean?” he asked, looking thoughtful.

“Everything I thought that was important before doesn’t seem so important anymore,” I answered contemplatively. “Now I know there are two sides to every story. Life isn’t as predictable as I once thought—everything doesn’t fit nicely into a package. I’m a data-driven program manager by nature, but my experience with you has made me a less judgmental person. You once said I didn’t like things that were any shade of gray. You were so right. No matter how hard I try, things aren’t as black and white as I want them to be, but I’m learning that that’s not a bad thing.”

He nodded, raising his glass of wine to me in salute.

“For example, I resented Andrew so much for cheating on me, but maybe he really had his reasons. I’m not saying that it’s okay to do that to someone, but I’m starting to understand that there’s always another side to the story
… like yours. I only used to consider one side; my side.”

I continued to process my thoughts out loud; things I hadn’t had the time to really think through until now. “Here’s another example. I used to identify myself as an MS lifer and my career was relatively predictable. But now … Well, I can start to see how life might be better elsewhere, or doing something else. For the first time, my career is essentially the unknown. It’s terrifying,” I said with trepidation, “but that’s not necessarily bad.”

Ryan looked intrigued by this new idea of mine. “I’m not sure forcing you to find another job is such a great thing,” he said dryly. “However, finding opportunity out of a bad situation is evidence of your ambition, creativity, and strength. I appreciate that you won’t let life circumstances bog you down, but I can’t take credit for bringing out those qualities in you. It’s already part of who you are.”

“We all need to be reminded sometimes and you do that for me,” I said gratefully.

We gazed at each other for what felt like a long time. I was mesmerized by love and warmth in his eyes. The natural space between two people when they ate side by side seemed too far a distance and he pulled me closer to him. I took it a bit further and climbed onto his lap, straddling him. He wiped his hands on a nearby washcloth and then cradled my face, kissing me deeply and lifting his T-shirt off of my body so I was naked again. He buried his face in my neck and hair, kissing along my ears and my face back to my lips. When he lifted his head to gaze into my eyes, I saw deep emotion and an almost feral urge emanating from him. He stood up and, with my legs still wrapped around his waist, walked us back into the bedroom.

He laid me on the bed and kissed me tenderly. His lips moved down my body, worshipping it and taking his time. He brought his lips down between my legs and sweetly licked, massaging my sex in circles with his tongue. I arched my back and cried out with pleasure. Our bodies were overly sensitive and sore, but I needed to feel him in me like I needed water. I pulled him up to me, forcing his lips to seal again on mine. I could taste the flavors of my own body on his tongue. It was incredibly erotic.

“God, Julia, you are so beautiful.” His eyes were hooded and dark. “I need to be as close to you as possible.”

Rather than tell him that I wanted him inside of me, I wrapped my legs around him, grabbing his ass and pushing him desperately into me. I moaned loudly, both from the soreness and exquisite feeling of fulfillment. As our rhythm slowly increased, I sensed his desperate need to be as close to me as physically possible because I felt and needed the same. Our lovemaking was almost painful with our need to become one, connected and inseparable.

He pushed himself as deeply into me as he could go and I shattered. Tears stung my eyes and I cried out his name. I clawed my nails into his back, losing all sense of myself. My voice was his undoing. He made one final push, so deep into me that I felt like I would break in half, before he came loudly, muffling my name into my hair.

I was in my happy place.

Every once in a while, you have those moments in life, and unfortunately for me they were too far and few in between, when you sit there and you think to yourself, “Hey, I’m happy.” For me, it was a light bulb moment. Why don’t we think this more often? Was it human nature to always feel like you needed or wanted something more?

I felt like, for so long, I was always wanting more, needing more, looking for more; today, Labor Day, I woke up in my bed with Ryan by my side and thought that there was nothing better than this. Even my career hanging in the balance couldn’t take me away from my happy moment.

We arrived back in Seattle late yesterday afternoon and split up for an hour so we could separately unpack and do some laundry. He met me back at my place before dinner. We ended up ordering pizza and watched the latest George Clooney movie,
The Descendants
, which was an excellent movie by the way.

Anna texted me last night during our dinner. She was back from her honeymoon and wanted to meet me for breakfast this morning to hear all about my little getaway with Ryan. Likewise, I wanted to hear all about her honeymoon in Maui, so we met at the local Starbucks on top of Queen Anne.

“Okay, so you guys are officially a couple now, right?” Anna asked enthusiastically before we even ordered.

“Yeah, I guess so,” I said, trying to sound more nonchalant than I felt.

“What do you mean, you
guess so
? You’ve taken a mini-vacation together! That constitutes a whole different level of seriousness and commitment, I would think.”

I shook my head a little at her overzealous excitement. “You always want the happy ending, Anna.”

“And you don’t think this last week with Ryan warrants that conclusion?”

I knew I had a corny, lovesick smile on my face. I watched the steam rise from my coffee cup, basking in the warm feelings I got whenever I thought of Ryan.

“Look at you!” she exclaimed. “Julia Hayes, you’re in love!” She grinned all-knowingly. “I know that look.”

I met Anna’s gaze. I had a huge grin on my face. We giggled like schoolgirls at my dopey happiness.

Sisterly love and endearment burst from her face. “Oh, Jules,” she reached out to hold one of my hands, “I knew it was going to happen to you sometime. I had a really good feeling about Ryan. I’m so happy for you.”

Then, honest to God, she actually cried tears of joy.

Tuesday morning arrived and it was time to return to the reality of life. It seemed like forever since I had been in the office. I had unofficial permission to “work” from home, but habit and a moral sense of obligation compelled me to go in even though I technically had no real work assigned to me anymore. At least if I was in the office, it was easier for me to keep up the pretext that I was still employed and part of the team. I knew if I missed another week of work, people would start asking questions. I planned to stay out of Catherine’s way and hide in my office to look for new jobs.