Never Close Enough (17 page)

   It was just after sunset and although she was sure the coloring of the sky would be gorgeous, a thick fog had rolled in and sat just off shore, crea
ting a weirdly beautiful veil around the beach.  She could see the sand and the waves crashing on the beach, but she couldn’t see anything more than one hundred yards away.  What she could see, however, was the outline of Porter, hidden in shadow, backlit by a roaring campfire.

   As she got closer she could see a little more detail.  He was facing her and he had his hands in his jean pockets.  Closer still, she could see the firelight dancing off the sides of his face, illuminating the fact that his chocol
ate brown hair had very slight copper highlights.  When she finally was close enough to see everything around him, she stopped mid-stride and instinctively placed her hand over her mouth to cover the sob and also the smile that had both sprung up on her.  A blanket was laid out with some sleeping bags rolled up at one end, a picnic basket set out, and on the side of the basket was a bucket with ice, champagne, and two champagne flutes. 

   “What is this, Porter?”  Ella asked as she approached him beside t
he licking flames of the fire he had built.

   “Well, this is a picnic on the beach,” he said motioning towards the blanket and basket.  “But, it’s going to get cold, so I built the fire and brought the sleeping bags.”  Ella fought the urge to roll her eye
s at him.

   “No, Porter, what
is
this?  Why are you here?”

   “Gonna go right for the jugular, are you?”

   “I don’t have the patience to waste any more time with you, Porter.  We’ve wasted enough time as it were.”

   “You’ve got a good point, Ella.”  Por
ter took in a deep breath, ran his hands through his hair, and then looked her right in the eyes.  His gaze sent a shiver right through her whole body and all she wanted to do was close the gap between them.  He was too far away.  He was never close enough.

   “Just say what you’ve got to say,” she was dying from need to touch him and wanted him to get done saying whatever he had to say so she could fix everything between them.  She saw him straighten his shoulders, seeming to brace himself to go into battl
e.

   “I know it’s only been a few days, Ella.  But there’s nothing you could say that would convince me that we’re not meant for each other.  Ever since I saw you sitting on that barstool, my body has been tied to yours.  I need to feel you in my arms and
my body aches with need when you’re not in them.  I have never felt this inherent need to be with someone, and honestly, it’s the best damn feeling in the world.”  She saw a little light leave his eyes and his shoulders slumped a little.  “It was the best feeling, until last night when you pushed me away.”

   “Porter, I nev-”

   “No, I listened to you last night and now you’ve got to listen to me,” he demanded.  Ella closed her mouth, her pulse racing from his commanding voice.  Something inside her liquefied.  Her resolve?  Her last thread of resistance?  Whatever it was, it was running like molten lava through her veins.  She just continued to look at him, giving him the silent submission he was looking for.

   “I have spent my entire life doing right by
everyone else.  I’ve done everything I could for my mom, making sure she was taken care of.  I’ve been running my business just trying to make sure it was successful, working so hard almost because I didn’t have anything else to do.  None of it bothered me because I never thought I was missing anything.  Then I found you, Ella.  I wasn’t even looking, but there you were.”  He stepped towards her, his hands reaching behind her waist, her arms instinctively looping around his neck, her fingers running through the hair at the nape of his neck.

   “Please let me show you how good this could be.  I know you’re scared and I know I’m asking you to take a risk, but I promise you I will never make you feel like giving us a shot was a mistake.  The thought of never ki
ssing you again, never making love with you again, never feeling your smooth skin under my hands, it’s more than I am willing to give up, Ella.”

   She felt another tear slide down her cheek and he reached up to wipe it away.  His thumb gently stroked acro
ss her cheek and continued behind her ear.  He continued to caress, all the while slowly pulling her lips closer to his.  Her eyes were darting between his mouth and his eyes.  She couldn’t find any words, so she let her kiss do the talking. 

   She close
d the distance between them, and nearly climbed up him with urgency.  When their lips met it was almost as if their bodies both took a sigh into each other.  He groaned, his hands moving all through her hair, while she was content to just hold his face.  Their tongues we dancing slowly, lazily, enjoying each other while the memory of absence was still fresh.  He was nipping at her bottom lip, sucking it into his mouth, shooting electric currents straight to her core.

   “Porter,” she said, interrupting the
kiss that felt like it was breathing new life into her.  His hands on her body were healing her, but they had more to discuss.  “We need to finish talking.”  He pulled back and looked at her.

   “Well, that was either one awesome make-up kiss or a really t
errible goodbye,” he said with a sigh.  “The choice is up to you, Ella.  But before you make your decision, understand that I will make this so easy for you.  Whatever you need to feel secure, I will make sure it happens.  I love you and I want you to be happy, but I hope you’ll choose to be happy with me.”  He flicked her nose with his, as she had grown so accustomed to, and looked into her eyes waiting for her to speak.

   Ella took a step back from him and reached out for his hand.  He gave her a questio
ning look, but took her hand and followed her as she led them to sit on the blanket, already toasty from the fire.  She motioned for him to sit down first and she sat in front of him between his legs.  He wrapped his arms around her and she snuggled in to his chest.

   “Did you know you’re mom came to talk to me today?” She felt him tense around her.

   “Um, no, I didn’t,” he said hesitantly.  “Do I need to apologize for something she said?”

   “No, of course not,” she said lazily rubbing her hands up and d
own his forearms.  “She just wanted to make sure I wasn’t making a terrible mistake.”  Ella took a deep breath and let it out slowly.  Then she turned slightly so that her face was looking up at Porter.  She took just a moment to commit to memory how his chocolate brown eyes looked with the firelight dancing in them.  They reminded her of caramel.  He reached to tuck a piece of hair behind her ear, and she kept his hand on her cheek, leaning in and taking strength from him.

   “She didn’t say anything I did
n’t already know.  She just made me consider your side.”

   “What did she tell you?”

   “She said you loved me.”

   He leaned in and kissed her softly.

   “She told me that if I gave my heart to you, you’d take care of it.”

   He kissed her again, longer
this time and deeper, making her heart rate sky rocket.

   “She said that you wouldn’t force me to be with you, that you would take things slow, and make me a priority.”

   He went to kiss her again, but she put a finger up against his lips.

   “Are all th
ose things true, Porter?  Will you take care of my heart?  Will you make our relationship a priority?  Because I don’t want anything less and I will give everything right back to you.  I promise to take care of you, cherish you, and make you the most important thing in my life. I cannot be in another relationship were I am alone in the dark.  Does that make sense?”

   Porter brought his strong hands to her face and pulled her in close, kissing her forehead.

   “I will spend every day making sure you feel my love for you.  That’s all I can promise, Ella.  It might get tough and we might have bad days, but you will never go to sleep questioning how I feel or what you mean to me.  I
love
you, Ella.”

   She looked into his eyes and the love he was professing
washed over her.  It warmed her throughout, and she felt herself open up to him.  She took in a sharp breath.

   “I love you too, Porter.”

   His eyes grew wide with realization and she couldn’t help the smile that spread across her face.  He suddenly grabbed her by the waist and moved her to lay on the blanket as he draped himself over her.  His mouth was on hers instantly and this kiss was different.  This was the slowest, laziest, heaviest kiss she’d ever felt.  He was in no hurry and she felt as if he was taking his time trying to savor every moment.  The pace of the kiss was making her heart race but also making her sleepy all at the same time, making her drift into an other-worldly place where it was just the two of them, sharing their love with each other, basking in the intensity of what was passing between them.  After what seemed like hours of intense, slow, mesmerizing kissing, finally Porter pulled away but only far enough to look in her eyes.

   “I knew you loved me,” he whispered.

   “I knew I loved you too.  I just needed a little time to acclimate myself to the idea of loving someone so deeply just days after meeting them.  You can’t deny that this, what’s between us, is a little unconventional.”

   “I don’t really care,” he said firmly.  She s
miled at that, because it was exactly what she needed to hear.

   “I guess I don’t care anymore either.”  She gently moved some locks of his crazy hair from his forehead and spent a few moments admiring how ridiculously handsome he was, using her fingers t
o smooth over the features of his face.  “Porter, I am sorry about last night.  I never wanted to hurt you.  More than anything, I was just trying to protect myself.  I went about it the wrong way, though.  I should trust you and myself for protection, because keeping myself away from you did more harm than good.”  He let out a loud sigh and rolled onto his back to look up at the sky.  She hated that he pulled away from her, but knew he was working through something in his mind, and she wanted to give him the space he needed.

   “Last night was possibly the worst night I’ve had since my father died.  I was torn apart, Ella.  I don’t ever want to feel that way again.”  Ella looked over at him, his words slicing her open.

   “I am so sorry, Porter.”

   He turn
ed his head until their eyes met.

   “I’d do it again, if it meant you’d come back to me.  I’d do it a million times for you.  But I’d rather not.”

   She rolled over slightly, hoping he’d hold her.  He moved his arm out for her and she snuggled into his chest.  The rhythmic rise and fall of his chest was soothing and let her relax for the first time that day.  As she let herself unwind, she started to feel an emptiness in her stomach and realized she was starving.

   “What’s in the picnic basket?” She aske
d.

   “Regular campfire fixings.  Hot dogs, chips, stuff to make smores.  Are you hungry?”

   “Famished.  I didn’t eat today.”

   “Well, let’s get the lady a hot dog then.”

   They sat up and she enjoyed watching him get everything set up as he handed her a stick with a hot dog on the end.

   “I’ve never done this before,” she said, a little embarrassed.

   “With as much time as you’ve spent on this beach, you’ve never roasted hot dogs on a fire?”

   “Nope.”

   “Ok, well, luckily for you I’m an expert hot dog roaster.  Just hold the stick over the fire and when it looks done, stop.”

   Ella laughed.  “Man, I’m not sure I can handle that level of culinary expertise,” her words dripped with sarcasm.

   “It’s ok.  I’ll be here the whole time to supervise.”

  
“My hero,” she said with a smile.

   After she’d had her fill of hot dogs and smores, Porter unrolled one of the sleeping bags, unzipping it all the way.  He opened the champagne with a loud pop and poured them both a glass.  He gave her both glasses and t
hen sat down behind her wrapping them both in the sleeping bag.  She gave him a glass and leaned back against his chest.  She could feel his breath moving across her ear, eliciting shivers throughout her body.  The need for him was coming on strong, causing an ache to form in her belly.

   He lifted his glass a little above her head.

   “A toast, Ella.  To holding on to all things good, to love unexpected, and to finding something you never knew you were missing.”  He touched his glass to hers with a clink and she refused to cry again.  She had a feeling that she would spend a good portion of their relationship simply trying to recover from his words.  Instead, she took a drink of the champagne to try and force back the emotions he was pulling out of her.

 
The fog had thickened and moved inland even more creating a cloudy barrier around them.  She could see the campfire, but she could no longer see anything past it.  The waves could still be heard rolling and crashing onto the shore and they spent a few minutes in silence listening.  Every now and again she took sips of the chilled champagne until her glass was empty.  He took their empty glasses and put them in sand.  She felt a chill come over her, most likely a product of the weather which was becoming more typically Oregon beach-ish by the minute, temperamental and cold.  She shivered and he pulled the blanket around her tighter. She turned her head and looked up at his face, silently asking him for the contact she was desperately seeking.  Of course, he understood exactly what she needed.