Never Enough (19 page)

“Macy, what’s wrong?” A hint of fear filled his eyes. He was so worried and I wanted so badly to reassure him I was fine, I just wasn’t sure if I could.

He helped me stand up and all three of them were huddled around me. “I’ve just been cramping but it’s probably nothing I’m going to talk to Dr. Riley tomorrow.”

“If you need to go home we can talk to Gary, I know he’ll understand.”

“He’s right Mace.” Halley chimed in. She was worried too. None of them could hide it very well from me.

“Guys I’m fine. I promise. If I wasn’t I’d say so.” My mouth had barely been closed when another cramp much worse than the others hit and I squeezed Trevor’s arm to keep from falling again.

“Marcus, tell Gary we’re going to the hospital. Halley go get the car, I’m bringing her out.”

The hospital? A million things ran through my head as Trevor held me getting ready to bring me to the car. Why did we need to go to the hospital? Couldn’t we just go back home and let me relax? Gary followed Marcus to where we were. “What’s wrong with Macy?”

“She fell once almost twice. She’s
saying that she’s cramping really bad. I’m taking her to the hospital.”

“Let me know what’s going on, don’t worry about tonight at all. Just make sure she and that baby are ok.” He kissed my cheek and Trevor carried me to the car with Marcus right behind him.

Marcus drove with the hazards on all the way to the hospital. It was only about fifteen minutes up the road, but I swear we got there in five. He pulled up in the Emergency Room entrance and screeched the car to a halt. Trevor flung the door open and carried me in. A nurse walking by looked like she were going to point us towards registration but noticed the pain in my face and looked at my belly.

“Bring her back this
way; we’ll get her paperwork done later.” She led the way and Trevor followed her down the hallway past the nurses’ station and into a room with a sonogram machine. “What’s wrong honey? Tell me everything so we can make sure you and your baby are ok?”

I drew in a deep breath on the table as she hooked up some contraption to my belly. She said she was measuring contractions. Contractions? She was mistaken. I wasn’t due for three to four more months. “I began cramping today and within the past hour they have gotten worse and worse...”

“She also fell once but I was there to catch her.” I glared at him wishing he hadn’t just said that. I didn’t want to stay the night and now they were probably going to want to monitor me overnight for nothing. I was fine. The baby and I are fine.

The nurse stared at me then pulled my name up on the computer. She was also watching the machine. “You, my dear are having contractions. We need to get you admitted and monitor this a little further. I’m going to call Dr. Riley and he will be here shortly.”

Trevor looked about as puzzled as I did. Only he was able to speak up as I sat there in silence. “What do you mean she’s having contractions?”

I lay there staring at the ceiling praying that our baby would be ok. This was just
a scare. We would go home tonight and everything would be just fine. “Where’s Halley?”

Trevor squeezed my hand and smiled
trying to offer any reassurance he could. “She and Marcus are in the waiting room.”

The nurse got off the phone with Dr. Riley and turned to look at us. “Dr. Riley will be here in about five minutes. I’m going to do an ultrasound and see if I can see anything before he gets here.”

I nodded as if I could say anything else and she squeezed the cool goo onto my belly and began moving the wand around listening for the heartbeat. It seemed like an eternity passed in that one minute. Where was my baby’s heartbeat? She tried to look calm but I could see through her act. She was worried, and that began to freak me out.

“Ma’am? Is everything ok? Is the baby just hard to find?” I asked hopeful, just knowing our baby was safe and sound in my belly.
I’d been doing everything right just like Dr. Riley told me to. I held onto every ounce of hope I had inside of me. I held Trevor’s hand a little tighter as she turned to look at me and her pale face said it all.

“I’m sorry. I can’t find the baby’s heartbeat.” Hot tears filled my eyes. I wasn’t hearing this. If ever there were a moment I prayed to be asleep
and having a horrible nightmare, this was it. Our baby was fine I knew it. I looked at Trevor who had tears silently beginning to stream down his face. Did I do something wrong? I kept telling myself that I had done everything right. How was this happening?

“Are you sure you’re looking hard enough? I mean our baby was just fine
at my appointment last month.” I tried to ask as calmly as I could but sheer panic shot through my voice.

She didn’t answer me but kept searching and then a knock at
the door came and Dr. Riley walked in. The nurse stood up to meet him and waved him out the door so she could speak with him. Neither Trevor nor I spoke a single word. No one knew what to say. The silence alone was terrifying. Would our love be able to survive this? It had to.

Dr. Riley and the nurse came in and he took over searching for the heartbeat. He searched for what seemed another eternity when another cramp hit. I winced until it passed. Dr. Riley looked at the screen one last time then at Trevor and I. “I’m very sorry but we can’t find the baby’s heartbeat. Your body was trying to extract the baby which is why you were having contractions. We’re going to have to schedule immediate surgery to remove the baby from your womb.”

Every tear I’d been saving and holding onto washed down my face. There were no emotions but pain that I was feeling. I couldn’t even look at Trevor right now. I couldn’t bear to see his face and wonder whether or not he possibly blamed me or not. I choked out a sob and asked, “Can we at least know what the sex of our baby is? We were supposed to find out tomorrow.” I really shouldn’t have asked but I really wanted to know for closure.

Dr. Riley looked at the screen then somberly replied, “A girl. The surgery team will be in shortly to prep you Macy. I’m very sorry for your loss.” He placed a hand on each of our shoulders then walked out.

I thought before I knew what it meant to feel empty, but I had no idea at all. This was what it was like to feel empty. It literally felt like someone ripped my heart out and trampled it on the floor. This was the worst day of my life. Trevor kissed my forehead and I could feel his tears. I wiped his cheeks and looked into his troubled eyes. “I’m so sorry.”

“Mace, it’s not your fault.” He picked up his phone and sent a text. “I just texted Marcus to let them know what was going on and asked if he can call Gary and tell him.”

I began sobbing again. He never let go of my hand. I don’t think I could go through this right now if he weren’t right here. The surgery team came in and explained the surgery. I winced at the thought of it but was glad I would be asleep through it. They told Trevor he could wait in the waiting room until I was out of recovery. I wished he could come in there with me. Even with me being asleep I just wanted him there for me but for obvious reasons I understood why he couldn’t. He nodded and kissed my cheek. “I’ll be right out there waiting for you. I love you.”

I attempted to smile but tears got in my way. “I love you too.”
He walked out of the room and before making his way down to the waiting room blew me a kiss. How could this really be happening to us?

The team wheeled my bed to surgery where they prepped and put me to sleep.

I had no dream during this sleep but I’m sure if I would have, there would have been a happy ending. Our baby girl would be in our arms and we’d be married. We’d get to watch her grow up into a beautiful young woman and we’d grow old together, forever in love. That would be my dream, plain and simple, nothing more than that but it wasn’t and I awoke after hearing my bed being pushed from recovery back into the room I was originally in.

There were flowers everywhere. Halley stood in the corner trying her best not to cry while Marcus held her
close. I put on my best smile for her and she came to stand by my bed. She lost all composure and began sobbing onto my shoulder. “I’m so sorry Macy. I’m so sorry.” I cried with her. My eyes stayed closed trying not to take any of this in. I knew as well as any of them knew though that the crying was far from over.

Marcus slightly pulled her back and touched my shoulder and looked at me sympathetically. Gary stepped up and grabbed my hand. “I’m so sorry kiddo. Anything you need, I’m here for you.
I’ll drop some food off to you when you get home. You want some gumbo? I’ll cook a pot just for you. You will pull through this I know you will.” He winked at me reassuringly before stepping back from the bed. I glanced over to where Trevor was sitting away from everyone. I could see the pain all over him. Gary glanced to see what I was looking at and cleared his throat. “Let’s give them two a moment to themselves, I’ll buy everyone coffee.” One by one they all filed out hanging their heads.

The silence was almost eerie. Trevor hadn’t looked up at me since I’d been back in the room. That hurt almost as bad as just having
realized I just lost our baby. “Trevor,” I sobbed out. He looked at me with his tear streaked face. That broke my heart; I never wanted to see him like this ever. “Please come by me.”

He slowly got up out of his chair and walked up to the hospital bed I lay in. There was a little space next to me and I patted for him to sit. He lay
instead fitting his body perfectly next to mine and held me sobbing like a baby. We cried for what seemed like ages then lay there quietly neither of us knowing what to say.

“Macy, I’m sorry for seeming distant after your, your, surgery. I just, I don’t know how to handle this. We can get through this right?”
He looked at me, his eyes still moist from the tears.

That sounded like the question I should be asking. I kissed his cheek than his lips. “We will get through this together. I don’t know how to either. I don’t even know what to think. I wish this were a nightmare.”

We lay in silence again until the door opened and the nurse came in. Trevor sat up and stood beside me. “How are you feeling?” I’m sure she knew how I was feeling but this was routine.

“Ok, I guess.” What did she want me to say? I feel absolutely shitty? This is the worst day of my life?

“We’re going to keep you overnight and you can go home tomorrow.” She wrote something on my chart then walked out the room. She had tried to offer a smile but I wasn’t in the mood to return it.

I glanced up at Trevor and he answered my question. “I’m staying all night with you. I’m not leaving.” He grabbed his phone to text Marcus that I was going home in the morning and he would text them when we were leaving the hospital. Gary would bring them home
tonight.

Trevor climbed back in the bed with me and
held me tight. The only noise in the room was the machines they had me hooked up to. We were both so exhausted, within minutes we were fast asleep.

About 9:00am the next morning, the nurse came to discharge me so I could go home. I was ready to leave this hospital and
its horrible memories behind. Trevor drove us home with my hand in his the whole way. We didn’t speak a single word to one another. Truth be told, neither of us knew what to say. He’d stood by me through some pretty intense things. I knew we could survive this. If anyone could, it would be us. He opened my door for me and carried me into the apartment. Halley, Marcus, and Gary were all there with even more flowers and lots of coffee. I hugged everyone and thanked them for being there for me. We visited for about an hour. Everyone was telling stories trying to get me to crack some sort of smile or even converse back but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. Finally I leaned in to Trevor and let him know I was ready to go lay down. We told everyone thanks for everything and then I went to lay down with Trevor right behind me

I lay down with my tiger next to me. Right now it seemed to be the only thing that could bring some sort of calm into my life.
It was nothing but an innocent bystander in all this. Trevor lay beside me and placed his hand on my belly. I know it was a natural reaction for the past five months but I cringed and moved it. It didn’t feel right to have his hand there just yet, it did nothing but make me want to bawl my eyes out. He let out a sigh and just kept his hands to himself.

“Mace?”

“Yeah?” I was so tired and exhausted. I didn’t really want to talk but he didn’t deserve to be shut out.

“
I love you. So much.”

I turned to face him. His eyes were about as tired as mine were.
I could see the circles forming under his eyes. He hadn’t slept, just like me. He never left my side in the hospital. He was being so perfect throughout all this chaos. “I love you too. Do..do you still want to marry me?” The tears began to well up again. I choked them back and continued, “You know since I lost our baby?”

I hurt him with my question, it was easy to see
in his eyes but I needed to know. If I lost him too I have no idea what I will do. I sat there terrified to hear his answer. Trying to figure out why the hell I even asked. I wish I had kept my mouth shut. A tear rolled down his cheek and he replied, “Macy, why would you even ask that? I’m hurting just as bad as you are. I may not show it like you do but trust me it’s tearing me up. Of course I still want to marry you. I love you more than anything in this world.”