Never Enough: A New Adult Romance (17 page)

With just those two simple gestures, I found hope once again. I could do this for a little longer. I just needed to think about ways to protect myself from the undeniable end that was drawing near with each passing day.

“You’re cold,” he said so softly behind me, his arm wrapping around my waist. I could feel his breath brushing my neck. I didn’t reply, scared I’d blow it all over again. Scared that I’d tell him I loved him. Instead I slipped my hand over his and closed my eyes.

I was cold, but not for the reasons he thought. I really needed to start thinking about what I could do to save my heart from being smashed when this all ended. What could I do, so that when it came time to leave I wouldn’t be utterly broken?

***

“You look different,” Caden said, his eyes searching my face as I hung up Maggie’s flyer at work as promised. I diverted my gaze. The truth was, even though Damien had remained near me all night I felt uneasy. The more I learned about Damien the more I fell for him. It wasn’t just sex for me anymore. That girl, whoever she was, the one who’d broken his heart, had smashed any hope I had of having something more with him. He would never want me like that because he was too crushed. She had ruined him for anyone else who loved him. In that moment, I hated her. 

I also hated myself for being so vulnerable, for being so weak. I really needed to either grow a pair and accept this for what it was, or cut my losses and leave. I opted for the former because I wasn’t ready to end it with Damien. He meant too much to me. In order to save myself, I knew I had to distance myself emotionally. I wasn’t quite sure how to go about that and had been racking my mind endlessly in an effort to figure it out.

“I’m just tired,” I replied. Tonight had been slow, to say the least, giving Caden and I plenty of time to catch up.

His brows furrowed as he peered at me through his Buddy Holly glasses. If only I’d fallen for Caden, my life would have been much easier. He was probably the nicest, most uncomplicated guy I knew.

“You sure?” he asked, skeptical of my reply. I hadn’t seen Caden since the rugby game. We rarely worked together. He usually worked the earlier shifts because he wanted to be home for his sister. But a few nights a week, Carly stayed at a friend’s house so Caden could catch a break and act like a normal twenty-one year old guy.

“Yeah,” I said forcing a smile onto my face. “Just didn’t sleep good last night.”

Seemingly satisfied with my answer, Caden gestured toward the bulletin board where Maggie’s flyer hung. “So Maggie’s teaching piano now?”

“I guess.”

He didn’t say anything for a moment, his forehead furrowing in thought. After a long moment of silence he asked, “She any good?”

I nodded. “Yeah. She’s really, really good. Why?”

Caden shrugged, leaning against the counter. I watched the muscles in his jaw flex as he clenched his teeth in thought.

“She any good with kids?”

It was my turn to look confused. “Yeah, I guess. Why? You want to take lessons?”

He shook his head, a lock of his golden brown hair falling in his eyes. He pushed it back casually. “No, Carly has been begging me to take piano lessons for a while now. Just haven’t found anyone for the right price.”

“Well, Mags is really good. You can’t go wrong with her and I’m pretty sure she’s reasonably priced.”

Caden pushed himself upright and he glanced down at me. Utter seriousness masked his features. “I know you’re her best friend, but I need to know that if I leave Carly alone with Maggie she won’t do anything…like makeout with those creeps she dates. Carly’s seen enough shit with my mom. I don’t need her exposed to anymore.”

My eyes widened at the venom in his voice. I suddenly remembered how Maggie had reacted after Caden had spoken to her at the pizza parlor. I wondered if it had something to do with her choice in guys.

I shook my head. “No, she would never do that.”

He seemed to believe me because he relaxed a little. “Maybe I’ll give her a call then.”

I continued to watch him, wanting desperately to know what had happened between Maggie and him. Our eyes met and his eyebrows rose.

“What, Tempie? I can see you wanting to ask me something.”

I shrugged nonchalantly before asking, “What did you say to her anyway?”

“Who?”

“Maggie. When we were at the pizza parlor she seemed upset after you said something to her. What was it?”

“Oh, that. Nothing really. Just something she needed to hear.”

The way he avoided answering my question told me he wasn’t about to divulge anything to me. I had always liked that about Caden. He was like a brick wall. Anything you told him never came out. I just hated it when I was the one shut out.

“So what are you doing for Halloween?” Caden asked, obviously wanting to change the subject. I’d just have to ask Maggie what happened.

I shrugged. “I haven’t decided. Maybe something with Jed and Nik.”

“Not Damien?”

“Probably not,” I replied, not wanting to get into the mess that was our relationship. Now that I realized I loved him, it was starting to deteriorate. I probably wasn’t going to be able to keep my feelings to myself. By the time Halloween rolled around in a few weeks, it would probably be over.

He watched me, curious as to what was going on, but if he could keep a secret so could I. I folded my arms across my chest and a small smile spread across his face.

“Fine, don’t tell me. I can respect your privacy.”

I smirked. “Thanks. So what are
you
doing for Halloween?”

“Probably taking Carly out and then going to the party Kyle throws every year. You should come, bring your brother if you want.”

“It’s open to whoever?”

“Yep, always is. It’s pretty fun too.”

“Maybe I’ll do that.”

“You should come and get Damien to get his ass over there too. He rarely goes to those kind of things.”

Now I was interested. I leaned forward slightly and tried my best to act natural. “Really? Why’s that?”

Caden shrugged, his eyes twinkling. “You should know. You’re his girlfriend.”

The word had my heart thumping in my chest. If only it were true. “I’m not his girlfriend,” I replied.

“Could have fooled me. With the way he watches you, I’d say you’re his.”

I shrugged, not wanting to admit I was just a girl he had exclusive sex with and nothing more when a customer came up too the counter. As Caden took her order, I was suddenly glad I hadn’t divulged that to him. I didn’t want him to think less of me for giving myself to a guy that could never love me.

My phone buzzed in my pocket and I pulled it out, swiping at the screen as a text from Damien appeared.

How’s work?

Just seeing his name on the screen made my heart flip flop. I didn’t want to respond quickly because that made me seem desperate. So I waited exactly five minutes before typing back my response:
Same old.

That’s all I get? You talk more during sex.

I glanced up at Caden, wondering if he could somehow see through the phone to what Damien had written to me. His eyebrows rose as I stared at him. Finally Caden asked, “You okay?”

“Just one second,” I told him before adding, “It’s my mom.”

“Liar,” he replied and I blushed. Was I really that transparent? I didn’t have time to contemplate it too much because another text from Damien appeared on my screen.

You there?

I reread Damien’s initial reply and I struggled to answer him. What was I supposed to write back? Something witty? Something sexy? Finally I just opted for something simple, unemotional. I needed to protect myself after all.

Sorry, yeah. Just at work with Caden.

He replied right away, almost as if he were waiting for my response.

I
know that. I scheduled you. You okay?

I’m fine.

You sure?

Yeah, I’m sure.

Ok, then what are you wearing? Because I can’t stop thinking about you.

I could feel my cheeks heat as I read his text. Why did he say things like that to me when he told me it was just sex? Why was he confusing things for me? I pushed down my frustration and quickly typed back:
Oh, you know, same old.

If that means what I think it does, then Caden better keep his eyes to himself. You’re mine.

Suddenly I was bone weary. Why would he say something like that to me when it was just sex? If he felt possessive of me, didn’t that mean he liked me? Did this mean I should hope?

I shook my head, ridding myself of that stupid notion. There was no way this thing I had going with Damien was going anywhere. I suddenly regretted ever going down on him in the backroom, of intensifying the tension between us, of agreeing to have no-strings-attached-sex. I wasn’t that girl. I wasn’t cut out for casual.

I’d been telling Damien that I wasn’t the kind of girl who goes around sleeping with random guys, but I’d done just that. Only I’d done it with Damien. And now I was paying the ultimate price. Because I was in love with him, but he had no interest in my heart.

My phone buzzed in my hand and I glanced down. Instead of Damien’s name, Maggie’s popped up instead. I was glad for the reprieve. I needed time to think about my response to him.

What are you doing after work?

I thought about Damien and typed back:
Going home. Why?

Come out with me. I have a guy I want you to meet.

But Damien…

Screw Damien. You said it
’s just sex, right? Or have things changed?

No they haven’t

Then come out with me. You said you could date other people, right?

Yeah.

Ok well at least give this guy a shot. He’s nice. Totally your type.

Fine. Ok. I’ll be there. Where are we meeting?

At Denny’s. And come straight from work. No quickie with Damien before you go.

Fine. I’ll be there.

Good. And make sure you tell Damien you have a date. Let him know you’re moving on.

I slid my phone in my back pocket, not wanting to talk to anyone anymore. If only moving on were that easy. I wasn’t going to be serious about dating anyone anytime soon. I hadn’t told Maggie I was in love with Damien. If she knew, she would probably tell me to get out before it got too messy. I wasn’t ready for that. I wanted to squeeze out just a little more time with Damien if I could. Even if he didn’t want me like I wanted him…

I could do it for a little longer.

At least that’s what I kept telling myself.

Chapter Fifteen

Damien

I glanced down at my phone and frowned. Temperance hadn’t texted me back yet and I was starting to worry something was wrong. Usually she was playful in her texts, but her lack of response told me she was most likely upset with me. And I was to blame.

I felt something change between us last night when she asked me if this was still just sex. I knew she wanted me to tell her that it was more, that I cared for her, that I liked her. So I had pulled away, not wanting to give her the wrong impression. Because I couldn’t give her what she wanted. Even though for a moment I had forgotten about our agreement. It was easy to do that with Temperance.

I could get lost in her and never find my way out again.

So I’d pulled away and immediately felt the mood shift. I knew I’d made her feel like I was using her and even though she pretended everything was okay, I could feel us breaking apart. I didn’t like the distance between us and tried desperately to rebuild the bridge I’d burned down with a simple one worded answer. But despite my best efforts, things hadn’t felt the same since last night.

And now she was ignoring my texts, my attempt to repair what I’d broken. The feeling in my gut was one you got when you were sinking and unable to do a damn thing about it.

“Dammit,” I muttered, causing Jonathan to turn his head toward me. The two of us were sitting in the apartment he shared with Jude and Asher watching TV. Actually, Jonathan was watching TV. I was staring at my phone like a pussy.

“You okay?” Jonathan’s blue eyes pierced mine and I glanced away. He was a huge supporter of Temperance and I getting together. Despite understanding where he was coming from, I hated that he was pushing me. I wasn’t ready to be in a relationship with another girl. Not yet. I needed time and it was too soon. Too fucking soon. I already felt guilty as hell for being with Temperance so soon after Sophia died despite temporarily justifying it away.

“Fine,” I replied, setting my phone on the cushion next to me, but not before glancing down to make sure Temperance hadn’t texted me back.

She hadn’t.

Jonathan obviously saw my diverted gaze because his eyes widened, “You’re a liar. Who’s texting you?”

I shrugged like I could give a damn and turned toward the TV. Temperance was working with Caden. Maybe she was busy…busy making a move on him…or busy working her way into his heart…I shook my head, clenching my teeth in frustration. I don’t know where I got those ideas. Temperance was sweet, and while she did crazy things in the bedroom, she was all mine. At least she had been until I let guilt get the better of me and fucked up. 

What made matters worse was Jonathan reaching for my phone without me noticing. Before I could protest, he clicked it on and glanced down at my text messages. The little shit was way too fast for his own good.

“Ah, thought so,” he said with a smirk. “Temperance, huh? She finally getting under your skin?”

I tried to grab my phone back, but he thwarted my lazy attempt. Instead of trying again, I leaned my head back against the couch and sighed heavily. I was tired. Tired of everything. Tired of the guilt, of the lies…tired of everything but Temperance.

“No, it’s just casual between us. She’s not getting under my skin.”

“Is that why you keep checking your phone, hoping she’s going to text you back?”

I turned to glare at him without moving my head from its resting place. “Fuck you.”

He ignored my brush off. “You still playing that game with her then? Telling her it’s just casual, working your way into her life and then pulling out just when it’s starting to get serious?”

“You don’t know anything about what’s going on.”

“I know you, remember? I was around pre-Sophia. I remember how you were with those girls. You do realize you’re treating Temperance just like one of them when she deserves more.”

I bristled at his comment. Temperance wasn’t anything like those girls I’d dated in high school. “How the hell do you know what’s going on between us?”

“Because I saw you the other night. I saw how you watched her, how possessive you were. Don’t you think Temperance sees that too? Don’t you think that’s sending her mixed signals? One minute she’s thinking it’s casual and the next thing you know you’re acting like she’s all yours.”

“Yeah, well she knows it’s just casual for me.” It had to be. It couldn’t be anything more.

“Right,” Jonathan said dryly. “It’s just casual. So how would you feel if she cut this arrangement off and walked into the arms of another guy? Would you be cool with that? Does that feel casual to you?”

My fists clenched involuntarily at my sides, but despite my reaction, I forced myself to say, “Yeah, it does.”

Jonathan leaned forward, his elbows on his knees. “Bullshit, you’d lose your shit. I’ve seen that look in your eyes before…”

“Don’t,” I warned, but Jonathan didn’t listen.

“…with Sophia.”

My eyes closed and I took a deep breath. “Temperance isn’t Sophia.”

“No, she’s not, but no one will be Sophia. You need to get over that.”

I was sick of his comments, sick of his advice. I turned toward him and bit out, “Since when do you know everything? You can barely keep a girl around for a few weeks with all your weird sex shit getting in the way. And that box under your bed. Weird ass fucker. No girl actually likes that shit…”

Jonathan’s eyes darkened and he shook his head, disappointed in me. “Right, put it back on me. Good one, Damien. Real mature.”

I rubbed a hand over my face and breathed deeply. I could feel the beginning of a headache forming behind my eyes. I was just so damn stressed.

“Sorry, man,” I told Jonathan as my phone buzzed in his hand. I shouldn’t have bothered with an apology because instead of handing my cell phone back to me, the nosy bastard glanced down and read the text. I watched as his lips twitched in amusement.

“Give me the phone,” I said, reaching for it, wanting to now if the text was from Temperance.

“I amend my statement of her not being Sophia. She’s probably pretty damn close.”

I swiped the phone from his hand and looked down at Temperance’s text message.

I’m yours for now, but you don’t own me
, Damien. This is just casual, remember?

My fingers flexed on the phone. I couldn’t believe she said that. Of course I didn’t own her, but that didn’t mean I wanted other guys eyeing her. I also didn’t like that she was subtly hinting that she didn’t mind if Caden eye humped her. That sweet-faced little asshole was pretty good at being all sly too. He had to be, he had a little sister who saw everything.

I wanted to text her back and remind her this was exclusive, but resisted the urge. Reminding her of that ruined last night for us. Now I wondered if we’d ever get what we had back.

“Just tell her you want more, that you want to take this relationship to the next level,” Jonathan suggested, his eyes watching me intently.

I shook my head adamantly. “No.”

“No?”

I clenched my jaw. “No,” I repeated sternly before glancing down at my phone and replying:

I’d never try to own you. And I know it’s just casual.
Shit. Don’t take my comments so seriously.

I hit send and held my breath waiting for her to respond. I didn’t have to wait long.

ok.

She used a fucking period and didn’t even bother to capitalize the ‘O’. What the hell did that mean? Why wouldn’t she say more? I hated text messaging sometimes. My heart thumped painfully in my chest as I frantically typed her another message.

So will you be home tonight?

I tapped my fingers on my thigh, not caring that Jonathan was watching my every move. I was too damn anxious to care at the moment. A minute later Temperance’s name appeared on my screen.

maybe

Fuck. Now there wasn’t even a period. That couldn’t be good. I needed a break from this whole thing, so I set my phone on the cushion next to me. It lay there like a fat fucking pink elephant. I couldn’t stop staring at it.

“Just pick it up. Watching you stare at that thing is making me depressed.”

I shot him a glare, but picked it up anyway. Who was I kidding? But the moment my eyes flashed to the screen I wish I hadn’t. Temperance’s text made my heart drop.

I have a date tonight

My breath left my chest in a whoosh. Jonathan must have heard it because he was staring at me, a worried look clouding his face.

“You okay?”

“Yeah,” I replied, forcing a smile on my face. It came across as more of a scowl. “Nothing I didn’t expect.”

“What? What the hell are you talking about?”

I wasn’t making any sense. My mind was a billion places at once. “Temperance has a date tonight.”

“Really? Shit, am I psychic or what?”

I didn’t need Jonathan’s crap right now. I rubbed my chest and then my temples. I was falling apart at the seams. “I don’t need you telling me ‘I told you so’. I already know. We agreed to date other people if we wanted to.”

“So I guess she’s moving on?”

I shrugged. “A date doesn’t mean she’s ending what we have.”

Jonathan slanted me a look that told me I was nuts. Holy fuck. Maybe he was right. Maybe Temperance was going to end this.

“You going to text her back?” Jonathan asked.

I rubbed a hand over my face. “I don’t know.”

“Well, what are you going to say?”

“When the hell did you become a chick? Shit.” I ran my hand through my hair, frustrated beyond all belief. What was I supposed to write back? Was I supposed to act jealous or supportive? What did fuck buddies usually do?

As if he could read my mind Jonathan leaned forward, his elbows on his knees. “I’d tell her the truth.”

“What’s that?”

“That you’re in love with her and you don’t want her dating other dudes.”

“I’m not in love with her,” I said between clenched teeth even as my heart pounded in my chest. “I can’t be in love with her,” I muttered to myself.

Jonathan leaned back, his hands behind his head. “Fine, then tell her congrats and to have a good time.”

My jaw popped in frustration. That was not what I wanted to write, but I could see Jonathan watching me, waiting. Pushing aside my feelings, I quickly typed out a text, pushing send before I could rethink it.

cool have fun

The moment it delivered, I knew…I just knew it was the beginning of the end for us.

Because I just couldn’t stick around while she dated other people. Who had made up that rule? It was fucking stupid. Date other people while she was in my bed?

I might not have been in love with her, but it wasn’t that casual for me.

***

I heard the front door open and I didn’t even need to look at my phone to know what time it was. I’d been staring at the damn thing since I’d gotten home from Jonathan’s house. It’s not like I’d had anything else to do but be pathetic. I mean Deidre wasn’t even around at the moment. She’d left me a note, telling me she had gotten a job stocking shelves at night. That was fine with me because I still didn’t know what to say to my sister. Plus it would give Temperance and I the privacy we needed.

But now that Temperance was home, I didn’t know what the hell I was supposed to do. Should I just stay in my room and wait for her to come to me? Or should I greet her and ask her for all the details about her date? Nether sounded appealing, so I stood up and began pacing in my room.

I heard her footfalls on the stairs as she made her way slowly toward the second floor. She didn’t seem excited and energized, which meant that maybe the date hadn’t gone well. Just the thought had my spirits lifting slightly.

And so I waited. Waited for her to come into my room and tell me what a disaster it had been and how glad she was to be home. With me.

My door creaked open and my heart fluttered in my chest. I stood frozen as she made her way toward me. She looked ethereal in the moonlight. She was so beautiful I couldn’t breathe.

She stopped in front of me, her eyes meeting mine and I forced myself to inhale. I wanted nothing more than to kiss her, but I folded my arms across my chest instead.

“How was it?” I managed to ask in a semi-polite voice.

She shrugged and I relaxed slightly. At least she wasn’t bouncing up and down telling me she’d found “the one”.

“It was fine.”

“Just fine?”

“Yeah.” She sighed and my eyes were drawn to her chest. She looked incredibly sexy tonight. The prick that went out with her probably thought so too.

“So who was this guy?”

“Just some guy Maggie introduced me too. She thinks I need to keep my options open.”

My eyes narrowed. Fucking Maggie. Once again she was in my way. “Yeah, I got that. So are you keeping your options open?”

“Yeah. I mean I went on the date tonight, didn’t I?”

“Yeah and it was ‘just fine’.” I actually did air quotes. I was turning into a bona fide dick-bag.

“Yeah, but he was a nice guy…”