Never Enough: A New Adult Romance (19 page)

I was losing her.

Fuck.

Chapter Sixteen

Temperance

“Why the sad face?” Maggie asked, cradling her coffee cup. It was raining once more outside, gray clouds gathering over the bay. The gloomy weather matched my current mood, which had been made worse by the fact I hadn’t gotten nearly enough sleep. After my conversation ended with Damien last night, I ended up staring at the wall until the sun slipped over the horizon. And even then I merely drifted in and out of sleep.

“I think what Damien and I have is fizzling out. I think we’re done.”

Maggie tilted her head in question. “So soon? Why? What happened?”

“Well, he found out about the kiss between Luke and I and freaked out. I don’t understand why he seems to care so much when he keeps telling me it’s casual between us…that it doesn’t matter if I date someone else while we’re sleeping together.”

“Sex makes everything personal, Tempie. You have to know that.”

I lowered my eyes. “I know that. What frustrates me is how he seems to care and then when I ask him if this whole arrangement is more to him, he tells me it’s just sex. I think he likes me more than that, Mags. I mean, he gets jealous so easily…” My words trailed off and I placed my head in my hands. “I don’t know what to do. I love him, Mags…”

“I had a feeling you did,” she replied softly. “You sure do have a heart big enough to love someone as fucked up as Damien.”

I grunted in frustration. “What do I do? Do I tell him how I feel? Tell me what to do, Mags before I lose my mind.” I was pleading now, desperate for answers.

“I don’t know what to do. I’d say tell him how you feel, but in the end that’s just shit talk. I would never tell a guy who kept insisting it was casual between us that I was in love with him. That’s just a recipe for a broken heart.”

“My heart’s already breaking,” I interrupted pitifully.

“That’s the risk you took by being with Damien. You said there was another girl…someone who’d damaged him, right?”

I nodded. “Yeah. I found out her name. It’s Sophia.”

“Sophia. What a bitch name,” Maggie said and I gave her a half-hearted smile. That name had stuck with me since he’d told me it last night. It repeated in my head like a broken record. I just wanted to press delete and wipe it from my memory.

“He obviously still loves her or maybe he just really doesn’t like me. Maybe I’m just not as amazing as Sophia,” I said, spitting her name out as I said it.

“No. No way. There’s no way Damien isn’t into you. Anyone who spends any time with you falls for you. I mean, hell, look at me. I’m friends with you, aren’t I? And we are totally different people. I never saw it coming, but Tempie, there’s something about you that draws people toward you. Unless Damien’s from another planet, I can’t imagine he’s not in the same boat as everyone else when it comes to you.”

I shrugged, feeling slightly hopeful until memories of last night came crashing in. The sex, of course had been good, but ever since I realized I was in love with him, I wasn’t satisfied with just being physical anymore. I wanted more. It was something Damien couldn’t give me, as evidenced by what he’d said last night.

“So what do I do? Just let it go? Or do I walk away? Because I can’t imagine leaving him. Just thinking about it makes me want to crawl under the covers and never come out.”

Maggie took another sip of her coffee. “I have no clue what to do. I’d walk away because I’m way too prideful, but if you love him then maybe you should stick around…” she sighed heavily before setting her cup down. “Hell, I’m a nineteen year old girl who’s never been in a serious relationship. I’m in no place to give you advice about this kind of stuff. When you were asking how to bag Damien, I was the perfect go to girl for advice, but now I’m just as confused as you are.”

I met her gaze. “It sucks right? I just wish I could have kept it casual…that I was strong enough to just be okay with just sex.””

“Yeah, I get it, but Tempie you’re stronger than me because you’re capable of love and love is fucking scary. So don’t think you’re weak because you fell for him. I think that makes you courageous.”

I lowered my eyes to the table and blinked back tears. “Thanks for that. I just feel dumb, you know?”

“Don’t. It’s Damien who should feel dumb. He’s giving you up.”

“Thanks for being such a good friend,” I said.

“Anytime and just know that if things go south with Damien you always have a place to stay with me, or your brother. I’m sure he’d be okay with you crashing at his place for a while.”

Just the thought of me having to sleep at my brother’s place on a lumpy sofa when for the past few nights I’d been able to share a bed with Damien made me sick. I didn’t want to think about it anymore.

“So you and Kyle?” I managed to ask, causing Maggie’s eyes to narrow.

“You sure you want to stop talking about Damien?” she asked. “Because I don’t mind if you want to keep pouring your heart out about this.”

I shook my head adamantly. “I need a break. I feel like my head’s going to explode.”

Maggie nodded, leaning back in her chair. “Okay, well, Kyle’s cool, but I don’t know how much longer it’s going to last.”

“Why?”

“He’s a little too sweet for me. I mean, he wants to take me on a date, Tempie. Me. Date. No.” She waved her hands in front of her dramatically, causing the ends of my lips to tug up at the corners involuntarily.

“Maybe you should go for a different kind of guy…you know? Like Caden for example.”

“Hell no. That guy’s a conservative asshole. No way would I ever be into him.”

“Maybe he’s super crazy deep down, past all that sweetness and uninked skin.”

Maggie just looked at me like I was a nut ball. I probably was. I really had not been doing well since I left Damien’s bed this morning. To make matters worse I hadn’t slept through the night in two days.

“I doubt it.”

“Well, in either case, he’ll probably be calling you. His sister wants piano lessons.”

Maggie seemed to stew on that for a bit before saying, “Yeah well, he hasn’t called me yet and I don’t expect him to. Self righteous prick,” she muttered before adding cheerily, “A few other people have called though. Thanks for putting that flyer up for me.”

“No problem. Anything I can do to help,” I replied, forcing a smile on my face. “By the way, I’ve been meaning to ask, what did Caden say to you at the pizza place that made you so mad?”

Maggie rolled her eyes to the ceiling and blew out a breath. “God, I hate him. He said he knew me, that the reason I was into Kyle was because I was too insecure to set my sights any higher.”

My brow furrowed. “Did he get it right?”

“Hell no,” she replied. “He’s a dick who thinks he knows me.” The way she said it wasn’t convincing however. She seemed to sense that I was catching on because she waved her hands in the air. “I don’t want to talk about him anymore.”

“Fine, no problem,” I replied, supportively. It was the least I could do when I’d been pouring out my crap to her the past week.

The two of us sat in silence for a moment before Maggie asked, “You still thinking about quitting the major?”

I shrugged. “Yeah, but it hasn’t been on the forefront of my mind at the moment. I’ve been too preoccupied.”

“Yeah you have,” Maggie said with a smirk before she added solemnly, “He really is a dick for giving you up. You know that, right?”

“He hasn’t given me up, he just can’t give me what I want…not that I’ve told him what I want.”

“Well, maybe you could renegotiate your expectations and rules…”

“I don’t know. I don’t think I want to settle for less anymore.”

“Well, you deserve more, that’s for sure.”

“I wish Damien felt the same way I feel about him. I wish he loved me.”

Maggie’s eyes filled with sadness for me and I looked away quickly, blinking back tears. I felt like curling up in a ball and sobbing, but I didn’t want to be that pathetic. I was going to make it through this just like I did any other bad situation I found myself in.

Maggie reached across the table and squeezed my limp hand. “Sometimes we don’t get what we want. Sometimes it stays just out of reach. Just know you’re worth it, Tempie. He’s missing out.”

I nodded with a swallow. “Can we talk about something else? I need a distraction.”

Maggie perked up. She was good at taking my mind off the present. “Of course we can. Let’s talk about Luke…”

Her voice trailed off into the distance. Her words weren’t the balm I’d been looking for. Because I didn’t want another guy. I wanted Damien.

But he didn’t want me.

***

After hanging out with Maggie I drove to my brother’s place. I wasn’t feeling up to running into Damien at the moment. I wanted to avoid the inevitable as long as possible. I was coming to the slow realization this had to come to an end soon. I deserved better, and even though for the moment I could justify settling, in the end I knew if I accepted anything less than what I deserved, I was going to revert back to the old me.

I didn’t ever want to be her again.

Before I went inside, my phone vibrated. Glancing down, I saw Damien’s name blinking up at me.

Do you want to carpool to work tonight?

I hadn’t heard from him since I snuck out of his room this morning to meet Maggie. I knew I was working with him later, but I needed to keep my distance. I hated what I had to do, but it was inevitable. I didn’t want to reply, but I wanted to be mature about this whole thing. I knew he was making an effort to repair things between us and I hoped to still be able to at least be friendly with him when this was all over, so I quickly typed a response:
Sure

I used the key Jed had given me when he moved out, knowing I’d need a retreat from my parents. I had used it a few times when my parents had become overly unbearable, but since I’d moved out, my room was my haven. But with the memories of what Damien and I had done in that house, that wasn’t going to work anymore. What had I been thinking when I started things with Damien? That’s right. I hadn’t been thinking. I’d been too busy on my back or on my knees or bent over in the shower…

I pushed the apartment door open in a flurry to rid myself of those images that plagued my mind and saw Nik lounging lazily on the couch.

“Hey you,” he said, his eyes meeting mine and he suddenly frowned. “What’s wrong?”

I opened my mouth to tell him that it was nothing when my phone vibrated in my hand. I glanced down and my heart turned in my chest.

I hate what happened last night. Are we ok?

Damien’s question had my eyes involuntarily filling with tears. Nik must have seen because he was suddenly by my side.

“What’s wrong, Temperance,” he said sternly, his accent deepening as he grew serious. He rarely used my full given name, so I knew he was incredibly concerned.

“It’s Damien,” I said softly. “I don’t think it’s going to work out between us.”

“Come here, baby girl,” he said sweetly, pulling me into his arms. I loved that term of endearment he used for me. It was something he’d called me ever since I’d met him. It was one of the reasons I’d had a crush on him all these years. I mean, who wouldn’t fall in love with Nik when he called you that?

I needed the comfort he offered, so I went willingly, my heart breaking slowly as he wrapped his arms around me. “What happened?”

“He doesn’t want me,” I nearly whispered. “And it’s all my fault.”

“I doubt that,” he replied, kissing the top of my head as I clutched his shirt. “Now tell me everything.”

He led me to the couch and sat down, facing me. My hands were in his and I could tell he was worried about me. Hell, I was worried about me. How was I going to survive this? I’d never felt like this about anyone before and just thinking about losing him made me sick.

“So something happened between you and Damien…” he prompted when I just sat there in silence.

My phone suddenly vibrated once again and I glanced down at Damien’s name.

Temperance? You ok? Please talk to me.

I didn’t know what to say. Everything between us wasn’t okay and I wasn’t fine. I was tired of lying to myself and to him. I needed to be honest because ever since I realized I was in love with him, I’d been lying to both myself and to him. 

I didn’t know what to say to Damien, so I set my phone on silent and turned my eyes to Nik. “Damien and I had an arrangement. Casual sex, no strings attached.”

“Sounds perfect,” Nik said dryly and I shot him a look. “Sorry,” he muttered. “Go on.”

“But I’m in love with him now and he doesn’t want me.”

“Did he say that?” Nik asked, his eyes going dangerously dark.

I shook my head. “No. He was clear about what this could be from the beginning. I knew it wasn’t going to be anything more than sex for him, but I made the mistake of falling for him…I thought I could keep this up, but I can’t. It’s just not who I am. It hurts too much, especially when he reminds me that it’s just casual on a daily basis.”

“He’s an idiot,” Nik said, his fingers tightening around mine. I appreciated the support he was giving me because at the moment I felt like I was losing control.