Never Far Away (3 page)

 
“Hello, Porter.”  Her sweet voice flooded his senses and made everything in the room look brighter.  Hearing her say his name again, as surreal as it was, made a little bit of his tension float away.

 
  “Hello, Ella,” he said as he looked up to her.

 
  “So, you do know my name,” she said giving him a questioning look.

 
  “Yes, I know your name and you know mine.”

 
  “Interesting, isn’t it?” she said, but then paused and looked towards the counter.  “I’m going to get a tea.  Do you want anything?”

 
  “No, but please let me get the tea.” She nodded at him and sat down in the chair across from him.

 
  “Peppermint, please,” she said with an unsure smile.  He went to the counter and ordered her tea and smiled because he had learned something new about her; she liked peppermint tea.  He brought the steaming cup back to the table, carefully set her cup down in front of her, and took a seat in the chair he vacated.

 
  “So, Porter, tell me how you know me.”  Her eyes burned into his.  She was looking at him so fiercely and he found it a little difficult to even form words.

 
  “I don’t really know where to begin.  Why don’t you tell me how you know who I am?”  He tried to stall.

 
  “I heard you talking to me when I was waking up in the hospital.”  Her voice was small and quiet, and she looked down at her cup of tea, seemingly avoiding his eyes.  Porter worked hard to make it seem like her words hadn’t affected him.  And then he proceeded to run through his mind what he could have possibly said to her as she was waking up that had stuck with her that entire time.

 
  “What did you hear?”  He asked softly.

 
  “I heard a man, you, tell me that I was beautiful.  Then you kissed me and told me that you weren’t going anywhere.”  She looked up at him, saying his words back to him, staring him straight in the eye.  Her eyes begged him to confess, to tell her that he was that man.  He was torn.  If he opened this door, there would be no going back.  He would never be able to un-tell her.  For better or worse, she would know the truth.  The decision became easy in a moment of clarity.  Of course she deserved the truth.  If he owed her anything, it was the honesty of what had happened between them.  Whether or not she would ever remember, or whether or not she would feel anything for him ever again, he could never lie to her.  “It was you, wasn’t it?”  She asked him one last time and it shred the last piece of his resistance to tell her.

 
  “Yes.  That was me.”  The rush of her breath was audible and it made an invisible fist squeeze his heart. 

 
  “You loved me.  I heard it in your voice.  I felt it when you kissed me.”  She whispered fiercely, her words spitting out at him.  “You told me you weren’t going anywhere, and then you left and I never heard your voice again.”  She breathed hard and Porter wanted nothing more than to reach across the table and take her hand.  But he knew now wasn’t the time.  Mostly, he wanted to correct her.  She assumed he didn’t love her anymore, but nothing was farther from the truth.  His love for her was bigger and more encompassing than ever.  It was engrained in him now, a part of his make-up.  Loving her was just as necessary as breathing for him.  He didn’t do it only by choice; he did it for survival.  “Only that’s not true.  I’ve heard your voice every day since.  I hear your voice in my sleep, while I’m awake.  I listened to every voice I’ve heard hoping that I would find out who you are.  Now that I have, I can’t figure out if I am happy to have solved the mystery or royally pissed off at you for disappearing.  I guess I am leaning towards the latter.”

 
  “You have to believe me that leaving you was never my decision or even my choice.  I never wanted to leave you.  Everyone thought it was in your best interest, for you to heal.”

 
  “That’s bullshit,” she said flatly.  Porter laughed, glad to see she was still the spitfire he remembered.

 
  “I agree.”

 
  “How do you know me?”  She asked again, with more insistence this time.  He took a deep breath in and, just like jumping in a cold pool on a hot summer’s day, he knew it was going to sting and be uncomfortable but hoped the end result would be a relief.

 
  “A week before your accident, we met at my mom’s bar.  You had come to the beach after finding your boyfriend with another woman and you were drowning your sorrows, so to speak.  Your car battery died, so I gave you a ride to your rental house.”  Porter ran his fingers through his hair, trying to figure out how to tell her what had happened between them.  In all the scenarios in his head that included them speaking to each other she always remembered him.  He felt pretty stupid that he hadn’t considered the fact that he might have to explain their relationship.  “Anyway,” he continued, “after a few days of meeting up and getting drinks, I asked you out on a date.”  He looked up at her hoping she would be giving him some sort of reassurance, but her face was blank.

 
  “And this all happened a week before the accident?”

 
  “Yes, well, ten days to be exact,” he replied.

 
  “What happened between us?”  She pleaded with him through her eyes, begging him to give her something. 

 
  “We spent ten amazing days together, falling in love, and making plans to be together.”  He paused again, trying to find the right words.  “When you woke up and didn’t remember me, or us, I didn’t really know what the next step should be.  And I definitely didn’t have any say in your care.  I had only met your parents
because
of the accident.  They felt like it would be better for you to recover with as little stress as possible and to them that meant that I should stay away.”  He looked down at his hands, mostly because he didn’t want to look at her face.  He didn’t want to be telling all of this to a stranger; he wanted to be reliving it with his Ella.  “I called your mom every day for weeks, trying to convince her to let me see you, that I could help in some way.  I texted Megan constantly, trying to get any updates from her that I could.”  He shook his head and looked back up at Ella and her blank eyes.  Frustrated, he let out a loud and exasperated sigh.  “Maybe this was a mistake.  I should go.”

 
  “Wait,” she said, placing her hand over his.  “Please.  Don’t leave.”

Chapter Three

Ella

 
  The last thing Ella wanted was for him to leave her again.  She heard his voice in Poppy and immediately her blood ran heated through her veins.  She was sure she would have to search for him, but then he just appeared in her shop.  She would have known his voice anywhere.  At that moment all she wanted to do was listen to his voice forever.  That was until she turned around and saw him, and then she realized she wanted to spend forever looking into his chocolate eyes.  He was the kind of handsome that made women weak-kneed and swoon.  His dark brown hair matched his eyes and his strong jaw made his face look all kinds of manly.  Somewhere, deep inside of her soul, she knew exactly why she felt like he loved her at the hospital: because she knew she would have fallen in love with him in an instant.  Something pulled her towards him and if she didn’t stay grounded, they would collide.   

 
“I asked my mom and Megan many times who you were.  I
knew
someone was there with me, I felt it.  But no matter how many times I pleaded with them, they would never give me any information.  Eventually I gave up on asking.”

 
  “I never left your side at the hospital.  I was there every day,” he paused, realizing that all of this information might be overwhelming for her.  “I am sorry if this is confusing for you.”

 
  “You have no idea how confusing this is. I don’t think ‘confusing’ as a word really encompasses how bizarre it is to deal with amnesia.  I woke up to a strange man kissing me, who wasn’t my boyfriend, but was kissing me regardless.  And everyone just tells me that I was imagining things, that it must have been the medication,” she laughed a little as she looked out the window.  “I might have been drugged but that kiss, small as it was, felt more real to me than anything since.”  She shook her head and raised her eyes up to meet his again.  “Every day something pops up, something that is tied back to those six weeks of memory I lost.  It is a struggle every day to try and figure out what’s real, what’s probably not true, and then there’s what my gut tells me about you.”  Ella saw him swallow hard and then he spoke softly with a tentative voice.

 
  “What does your gut say about me?”

 
  “It says to trust you.”  A small smile crept across her face and his relief was evident to her as he let a sigh past his lips.  “I know this sounds crazy, but I’ve been looking for your voice in every man for eight weeks now.  When I heard your voice in the store, I knew it was you.  I knew you had come to find me and that you would have all the answers I was looking for.”

 
  “I’ll tell you anything you want to know.  I’m tired of hiding things.”  Ella cocked her head at him and thought hard about her next question.

 
  “Will you tell me what happened to me the night of the robbery?”  She was looking him directly in the eye and she saw his eyes flash anger.  Once they softened slightly he ran his fingers through his hair and she liked the way it looked after he’d rumpled it.

 
  “It was Sunday afternoon and you had left my house about two hours earlier.  I was in my shop working on my boat and you texted me that you had made it home safely.  We joked around a little, and then you said you would call me when you were going to bed.”  She watched him take in a shaky breath as he seemed to be gathering strength to continue on.  “About a half hour later, maybe forty-five minutes, you called me.  You were crying and upset.  You told me that Kyle had been at your apartment and that he had hurt you.  You never told me the whole story.  You were upset and I just wanted to get to you.  I never got all the facts.”  His head fell into his hands and he was breathing in ragged breaths.  “I was so upset with myself for letting you go back home alone.  I’m still upset about it. None of this would have happened if I had just stayed with you.  I never wanted to let you go.”

 
  Ella drew in a ragged breath.  She wasn’t expecting him to be so emotional about her accident.  Everyone in her life had been putting on a brave face, but no one had let her see how upset they had been about the accident.  Sometimes she felt guilty for feeling depressed or angry about her injuries since no one else was.  Everyone was so focused on her moving forward, no one wanted to help her
deal
with the fact that she had been shot and lost her memory.  So hearing Porter and all his frustration and hurt made her feel close to him.  She reached across the table and placed her hand over his again, this time holding on and gently rubbing her thumb across the back of his knuckles.

 
  “I’m ok, Porter.  You aren’t responsible for what happened to me.”

 
  “I know you don’t remember us, but I will always be responsible for you,” he whispered.  He took his hand from her and rubbed both his hands over his face.  “I’m sorry.  I didn’t come here to make you uncomfortable.  I know this must be awkward for you.”

 
  “It’s ok.” She didn’t want to tell him that his words touched her.  She wasn’t supposed to feel so connected to someone she technically didn’t know.  “Can you tell me what happened next?”

 
  “I drove to Poppy and the cops were already there.  They told me you were taken to the hospital and when I got there I learned about your injuries.  I also ran into Kyle.  I beat the shit out of him,” Porter let out a little laugh and it made her smile. “He left the hospital and never made another appearance, which was probably best for his safety.”  He paused again, and his next words were heavier and full of reflection.  “I stayed by your side, every day, until you woke up.  When you started opening your eyes I called the nurses and they made me leave the room.  When I finally was told what had happened, that you had lost your memory, the decision had already been made that I wouldn’t get to see you.  Even the doctor agreed.  Ever since then, I’ve been living off the minimal updates your mom and sister have been sending me.”

 
  “It sounds like you’ve been really upset by all of this.”

 
  “Can I be honest with you? “

 
  “Please.”

 
  “This is wrecking me.  It’s an odd situation to be in and I have no idea how to navigate these waters.  But to have someone you love so much ripped away from you, and to know that they are still out there living their life but you can’t be a part of it,” he took in a deep breath and then continued, “it’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me.”  His words cut at her and she believed that he was hurting.  She could see the pain painted across his face and she could feel the sadness radiating from him in waves.  She was compelled to reach out to him, but felt that he would just pull away again.  She wasn’t sure how to navigate the waters either; she didn’t even remember how to swim.

 
  “Where are we supposed to go from here?  I mean, what is supposed to happen next?”  She asked him hesitantly.

 
  “I have absolutely no idea.  I have been so focused on just getting to speak to you. I hadn’t thought about what we were going to do once I’d gotten to talk to you.  But whatever happens from this point on, it’s up to you.  I don’t want to put any pressure on you whatsoever. I just wanted to see you again and make sure you were doing all right.”

 
  The pressure his words were putting on her made her feel heavy like stone.  She was never good at taking the lead and didn’t feel comfortable saying to him everything that was running through her mind.  How do you tell someone you don’t really know that you want them to want you?  That you want to spend time with them, lots of time?  She could only rely on her gut and her gut was telling her there was a reason she felt inexplicably tied to him.

 
  “Can I ask you a question that might make us both uncomfortable?”

 
  “Of course,” he said immediately.

 
  “Do you still love me?”   She watched her question sink into him and could almost see her words land on his shoulders, weighing them down.

 
  “Ella,” he said softly.  “When we met, we spent one week together in some sort of bubble.  Real life wasn’t affecting us.  We were determined and convinced that we could surmount any obstacle that was thrown our way.  We were reckless and excited by each other.”

 
  Ella could feel the brush off coming; he was explaining their feelings away, like they were a fluke.

 
  “I spent ten days getting to know you, but then I spent eight weeks away from you.  Two whole months of complete separation and isolation.”

 
  “I understand,” she whispered, wanting to stop his explanation before he got to the point where it would hurt her.

 
  “But I love you more today than I ever have, Ella.  Every day.  Every. Single. Day.  My love for you expands.  I’m not ever going to be complete unless you are with me.”

 
  As her eyes swept up to his face, she could see the hope still shimmering in his eyes.  He still wanted her.  When everything in her life was up in the air and she was unsure of anything, this little sliver of hope made her feel confident that Porter was something she could be sure of.  She took in a deep breath and it was the first time in weeks that she felt relief.

 
  “If you’re not opposed to it, I’d like to spend some time with you,” she said, trying not to sound needy.  How do you tell your boyfriend you don’t remember that you want to date him without sounding needy?  She was needy.  She needed him to help her feel normal again.

 
  “I am definitely not opposed to that,” he said as released a breath, smiling.

 
  Ella’s phone buzzed in her purse and she read a text message from Kalli, reminding her that they were supposed to meet to go over some clothing options.

 
  “Are you free tomorrow?  The Saturday Market is open and I haven’t been yet this season.  We could walk around and eat at the food trucks for lunch,” she said hopefully.

 
  “That sounds great.  Want to meet around eleven?”

 
  “Sure.  I will meet you at the waterfront at eleven, then.”

 
  They both stood up and headed to the exit.  Once they were both outside, Ella gently grabbed Porter’s arm and looked him in the eyes.

 
  “Thank you for coming and finding me.  I can’t imagine that the last eight weeks have been easy for you, but in some ways I am glad that I wasn’t the only one affected.  It’s nice not to feel completely alone, even if only for a moment.”  She slowly and tentatively moved towards him and pulled him into a hug.  She wrapped her arms around his waist, hands clenched, not wanting to feel too much too soon by allowing her finger tips to run along his back.  Her cheek came to a rest on his chest and she felt his body tense at her touch.  For a few agonizing moments she stood there alone in a hug, wondering if she had overstepped some invisible border.  Then she felt him relax and his arms wrapped around her shoulders.  Shivers were sent down her spine when his nose found her hair and she heard him inhale.

 
  “You still smell the same,” he whispered.

 
  “I wish I could say the same,” she mumbled into his shirt.  He did smell good, though, of wood and soap.  “I guess I will see you tomorrow, then,” she said as she pulled away from him.

 
  “Do you need a ride home?”  He asked.

 
  “No, thank you, I am headed back to the store.”

 
  “Isn’t it closed?”

 
  “Yes, but I have some things I need to take care of.”  She saw in his face he was instantly concerned, and his brow was scrunching and coming to a point between his eyes.  “What’s the matter?”

 
  “It bothers me to think of you there after hours and at night.”  Ella cocked her head to side and studied him.  Her entire family had been completely and ridiculously over protective of her for the last two months, and it had become overbearingly irritating.  But for some reason, when Porter put on a protective front it made her feel cherished.

 
  “I will be ok.  I’m actually meeting a friend there.  I won’t be alone and I won’t be there for long, either.”  Porter drew in a deep breath and stuck his hands in his pockets.

 
  “Ok then, I will see you tomorrow.”  She watched his eyes until he had turned around heading in the opposite direction of her store.

   Ella made it to Poppy and as she was unlocking the door, she saw Kalli come around the corner.  Kalli’s face lit up with a genuine smile that Ella had no choice but to return; Kalli’s friendly and sweet nature was contagious.

 
  “Hey, Lady,” Kalli said in greeting.  She nearly always called every woman she spoke to “lady”.  It was a quirk that Ella found endearing.

 
  “Hey yourself.  Ready to check out that dress I was telling you about?”

 
“Always.” 

 
  The two of them went into the store and Ella punched in the code for the alarm system, making sure she armed it for safety while they were still in the store.  Kalli told Ella about some snafu that had occurred on the set of the film she was working on as Ella was walking through the store, taking off her sweater and setting her purse on the counter.