NEVER GOODBYE (An Albany Boys Novel) (24 page)

Benny looks back at me, pursing his lips. “Is that why Dad hates the word?”

My chest hurts to know that Benny feels the strain of our fathers love. “A little.”

“Well why don’t we call it something different, like …
The Lorax
?”

“That’s a movie. You can’t name cancer after a kids animation.
But
it is an awesome idea. We could call it …”

“One Direction!” Vaun says with enthusiasm causing me to gasp and Benny to giggle.

“Vaun, we are not calling my cancer after a boy band cherished by three quarters of the teenage girls in the world.”

“Fine,” he groans deflated. Benny looks much the same and I fight the laughter.

“How about Frankenstein?” I say.

“
Frankenstein
?” Vaun whines and Benny scrunches his face.

“Yeah, come on. It looks like you can’t defeat him, but you can. Most times he’s misunderstood. It’s kinda perfect really. Also people won’t cringe if you say Frankenstein.” I say more enthusiastically than I should when discussing an illness that threatens so much. But that’s what these two boys do. They bring light into my darkness and I love their guts.

Vaun laughs to himself, shaking his head and it’s infections. I laugh too, even, though I don’t know what I’m laughing at. “What?”

“Franky’s inside you.”

“Oh my God.” I can’t believe he just went there.

“Ewwwwe. Dude, that’s my sister.”

“Sorry, Bro,” Vaun chuckles out of control. “I couldn’t help it.”

I reach across and slap Vaun on the arm. “Next time, try harder.”

“Yeah,” Benny says, looking every bit disgusted, “Try your hardest ‘cause I need therapy now. Lots and lots of therapy.”

***

I’m so tired; I’ve never felt so tired in my life. Vaun sent me to have a shower while they did the dishes. I protested, but only a little. I really don’t think I could have faced the mundane chore. By the time I come out of the bathroom Benny has gone to bed and even though he won’t admit it, he likes that I go in and kiss his forehead and say goodnight. It was our mother’s thing as we grew up. It’s now ours.

He’s tired but awake and normally I would be silent, one kiss and gone. Not tonight. Tonight I see the plague of concern and I whisper in his ear, “I
know
I’ll be fine. It will be tough, but we will make it. I’m not going anywhere. Got it?”

He suddenly wraps his thin arms around my neck and I almost sob because he definitely doesn’t do this. Open forms of affection are a big no-no from a sister, so this is big — really big. It shows just how much this is effecting him.

He lets go just as quickly as he had grabbed hold and I’m left staring at his closed eyes before his hand waves me off. The moment has come and gone and it’s time for me to move on, is what he is silently telling me. But I know he loves me and I him. Smiling I leave and close the door where Vaun is leaning against the hall wall, his arms and legs crossed. He looks so hot like that and my smile widens.

I was tired, I am. Yet I don’t want the night to end just yet. I want time with Vaun now that there is no vice keeping us apart, no lies.

“I think it’s bedtime for you, too,” he says and there’s almost a panic inside me before he pushes from the wall and wraps an arm around my shoulder. “You should dry your hair first though. I don’t want you catching a cold.”

“I don’t want you worrying about my health.”

He stops before my door and steps before me, his brown eyes intent. “I would worry about your health and wellbeing even if you weren’t sick. Please don’t argue with me every time I show concern for you.”

Ashamed and embarrassed, I bow my head into his chest and he hugs me and kisses my head. My damp head. “Will you stay?”

Urging me to my room I lean into him. I love his strength and I’m not just referring to his physical strength but also his emotional strength. He is a giant with a giant’s heart. I knew this that first day … Jesus, it really wasn’t all that long ago and yet I feel like we’ve been together forever.

“You know it’s the beginning of the Labor Day weekend tomorrow, right?” he asks.

“Uh-huh. It was planned that I would have the long weekend to recover from my first treatment before returning to school and then another dose at the end of the week. We kinda figured most of the kids would get Friday off if they were going away for the weekend and I wouldn’t be missed.”

He pulls me to my bed and I lay in the crook of his arm like the first night in the bed of his truck, only there are no reservations, I can touch and stroke his stomach and chest all I like now and there’s no going back.

We are silent for a little while and I know he has something on his mind, though I’ll wait until he is ready. A little scared, I wait and wonder if he has small regrets about staying. I wonder if I will be left with no choice but to use a pass, which seems a ridiculous notion now the cat’s out of the bag. Yet I think there will always be moments or situations where it’s better not to voice what you’re thinking for the fear of hurting the one you love. So I’m keeping those passes just in case.

“I can stay until morning, but I’ll have to get up early. I have a few things that I need to do. Winnie has me helping the committee set up for the camp and cookout and the weekend’s events. She has her pies in the Ice cream social for Saturday as she does every year. This year they are auctioning them off as well as the donation, then there’s the outdoor movie.”

“Wow. That sounds like fun. I’d love to go.”

Vaun kisses my head again. I don’t think I could ever get enough of that simple act of love. “I’ll pick you up later in the morning, but how about we not do the campout. You’re exhausted now and if you want to do all the other fun things you need to pace yourself. My mom learnt that later.”

It is so sad hearing the pain in his lowered voice when he speaks about his mom’s illness and I know it reminds him of the mortality of my life when he does.

“We can have our own campout here, that way you can recover more,” I’m about to argue, but he continues, expecting it I suppose. “On Saturday you can cheer for me and Benny in the pie eating contest, then you can eat my pie and ice cream at the social so I don’t throw up. After that, we have an outdoor movie. I really want to do that with you and I think Benny would love it.”

I’m actually excited and weary just thinking about all the activity we are in for over the next couple of days. I love that he wants Benny with us and I love how community minded this town seems to be.

“Can we play the question game?” he asks without mirth.

I knew it. Something is playing on his mind and he doesn’t know any other way to approach me about it. “Sure. You go first.” I want to know what it’s about and I want to know now. Rip that damn Band-Aid off already.

“What’s wrong with your dad? I mean I know he’s lost and mourning for your mother who doesn’t know what’s happening to her family. But his daughter is sick. His son is scared. You both need him.”

That wasn’t as bad as I thought, but I have a feeling he isn’t finished. “He’s been that way since the accident. He feels guilty and I suspect he finds it difficult to look at us and know he made the mistake that took our mother from us. I forgave him instantly, but he doesn’t want my forgiveness, he wants his soul mate.”

“I can understand that.”

“Me too,” I sigh.

Vaun rolls to his side and shimmies down the bed a little so he can face me. I think I like this better. I can see his eyes and I want kiss him, but I want him to know there’s more to my father than he sees. “Dad does love us. He has to work so much because of the growing cost of both mine and Mom’s medical bills, so really his also absence is my fault. You know he was there for me the other day even though I have legal right to my own treatment decisions. He was by my side even though it hurt to watch and hurt more because, again, he is helpless to do anything to help.”

“I can understand that, too.”

I nod.

“Your turn.”

“Why don’t you like your step Mom?”

“Have I said I didn’t?”

“No. Though the fact you say nothing at all says something.”

He closes his eyes and sighs. “I don’t hate her. I don’t have any feelings either way. She is my father’s wife. It is what it is and nothing more.”

“I think there’s more.”

His cheek ticks and I know I’m right. “She’s not her. She’s not my mother even though she tries to be and I hate that. She’s Luke’s mother, not mine.”

“Has she ever asked you to call her mom?”

“No. But I know she wants me to, so does Dad.”

I smile softly because for the first time I see the little boy in him who actually wants to call her mom, who wants a mother like every other kid, though feels he might be betraying the mother he lost. “You know, I bet your mom wouldn’t mind; in fact she would want you to be happy and have a life filled with love. Your stepmom just wants to love you like a Mom.”

“I don’t think so. I think it’s just one of those things that stays unfair in life. I don’t have a mother and that is that. What I have is a father who is disappointed his son quit football for his dying mother, who hates that I chose a life away from college and a career he chose for me. I have a stepmother who is hardly there now because I make her uncomfortable. The only blood relatives I have, live across the country and don’t give a shit after finding out my mother left them nothing after medical bills were paid.” He takes a steadying breath as do I. “Who I
do
have, is two unofficial grandparents who give more than I deserve and keep my mother’s nursery going while I finish school. I have a best friend with more secrets then the
Da Vinci Code
, a step brother who prefers to live a lie and then I have you, who I’m so goddamn scared of losing it’s almost suffocating.”

His truth is raw and all I can think to do is kiss him. I kiss him so lovingly, so desperately, that when I pull away to look into his eyes I’m breathless. I just needed to pull us both out of that feeling of despair before we both drowned in it.

“Your turn,” I say breathlessly.

“Where is it? Your cancer. Is it in your groin? I remember you saying you had an injury there.”

“You know why I let you believe that. Yes it’s in my groin, but it’s also spotted up my back and around my kidneys.”

He shudders, so I take his hands in mine and bring them to my lips.

“It’s okay, Vaun. I’m going to fight, remember?”

“I didn’t know how bad it was. I don’t know …”

“I don’t expect you to know. The doctors don’t even know and they have some of the best training in the field. For weeks I’ll face intensive treatment until the cancer shrinks enough I can spread out the time in between treatments. It will be one of the hardest things I will have to face in my life but lately, since meeting you, I realize I have it in me to defeat it.”

He nods and it feels weird to see he isn’t this perfect hero I made him out to be. I would rather see that he understands what the reality is for me before it hurts him beyond repair. Before it’s too late to try and walk away from all this. I mean, I don’t want him to walk away from me, from our relationship, but I’m not that much of a selfish bitch to trap him in a life he doesn’t want because I need him.

“Are you reconsidering?” I ask with a large lump lodged in my throat.

He frowns deeply, “Never.”

“It’s my turn then,” I say.

“Ahh. I believe you just had it,” he says with a smirk and I have to think how it’s possible, but he’s right by default.

“You know that wasn’t one.”

He shrugs, “It was question wasn’t it?”

“Ye-s.”

“Then it’s my go.”

“
Fine
.”

“
Fine
,” he mimics. “Are you ticklish?”

“Oh, no. Pass. Pass, pass, pass.” But, yet again, he’s not accepting my passes. Seriously, they are beginning to be worthless if he’s just going to ignore them. Then I’m lost in my own screams and giggles and his professional tickling fingers.

12

Help

Vaun

‘You’re a man now, SpongeBob,

and it’s time you started acting like one.’

Patrick.

              This is probably not going to go down well, but I have to try. For her. And maybe for me as well. I don’t know. In fact, I don’t know shit lately. What I need, though, is for her to be happy and get better because what I definitely do know is, I won’t survive her loss.

Knocking on his door I take a big breath, like the biggest shaky breath ever. I feel like I’m prepping for a fight, worse than the day I had to meet Mack Johnson by the oak after school in junior high.

Be a man, for Christ’s sake. If she can fight Frankenstein you can talk to your dad, you, douchebag.

              Dad opens the door with a small frown. Tracey, his receptionist, has given him the head up, of course, so he’s had time to wonder about what kind of trouble I’m in. He wouldn’t think there is another reason for me being here, since the last time I came here I did my block after he sold Mom’s house. It cost him a new window and me a relationship with him.

              That was then. Now, I’m going to give him the opportunity to stop being an asshole and help me do something good. Something great. Something epic.

              “I need your help.” Right away I can see his disappointment. I’m a pro at recognizing that look. If it wasn’t for Blue, I’d walk out right now. “I didn’t get her pregnant, I’m not in trouble with the law or school. It’s personal.”

              Dad is visibly taken aback before his expression changes to one I don’t know. If I let myself hope, it looks like concern as he sits on the edge of his desk instead of behind it. “What is it?”

              “Blue ― Harper, she is sick, really sick. I know we have a lot of shit between us that needs to be sorted, but I need us to put it aside for something bigger. I need your help, Dad.”

              There is a heavy silence before Dad pushes from his desk and heads toward the door. I should have known better than to have come to him for her. He made it clear how he felt about her and me, but I had to try.