NEVER GOODBYE (An Albany Boys Novel) (19 page)

Her hand lies on my shoulder and I swear I sigh like a love sick idiot. I want to rub my cheek on her hand like a cat asking for attention and I want her to smile again ‘cause, out of anything, I miss it the most. So instead of thinking about our impending troubles, our fear of my father’s harsh opinions or the small ache that still pulls in my groin, I turn to her, smile and take her hand from my shoulder and kiss it. Then she smiles and I know everything isn’t ruined after all.

“You stay, I’ll be a sec and then we can get out of here.”

She doesn’t hesitate before nodding and I know how she feels. So I jump from the cab and run inside, hoping not to run into my dad. I grab my keys and run to the driver’s side door of my truck. I’m scooting her over and taking the wheel again. Her driving scares the shit out of me.

Before she can fasten her seatbelt, I grab a fist full of her waist band and pull her across the bench seat of the truck until she is close to me again. The small squeak and then giggle that erupts from her almost has me pushing her down flat and mauling her. To save her from myself, I tear out of here.

We’re pulling into Mom’s nursery … my nursery. I want to show her where my dreams are, what my mothers were. I want to introduce her to the two people I love dearly like grandparents. I want her to like them and them to like her. No, I want them to love her.

I really wish Mom was here.

We ride up to the back entrance in silence, holding hands and I’m more than glad the truck is an automatic. But the ride is short. I can see Ed on the tractor out in the field mowing. He’s obviously trying to get the last of that pasture done before the storm hits, which won’t be long by the looks of the darkening sky. He waves and I chuckle and wave back, wishing he would take a day to himself and Winnie.

We get out and I can feel myself relax.
This
is my home.

“Who’s that?” Blue asks from the back of the truck as I make my way to her, grabbing her hand again and she smiles. I don’t think I have ever held someone’s hand as much as I’ve held hers. Well, except for my mothers, but that doesn’t count.

“That there is the hardest working man I have ever met and the most loving. His name is Ed Harvey. He and his wife Winnie are sort of the caretakers here and … my family.”

Her brows knit and I laugh a little ‘cause she’s cute when she’s confused. “Family don’t always come in the way of blood,” I say in a way of answering and she seems to get it and smiles as she looks out into the field watching the old man spend another day devoted to a dream that isn’t his.

Ed and Winnie have a story. Doesn’t everybody? And I can tell Blue is intrigued, but it’s not my story to tell so I kiss her cheek, tug her to my side, wrap my arm around her waist and try my hardest not to ogle her breasts. That damn bikini is going to be the death of me or my damaged balls for sure.

I think she feels my stare because she looks down and blushes as she sees her flushed breasts. She’s seen a bit too much sun, but not enough to turn into a bruised tomato. Just sun kissed and delicious. I can see her self-conscious is beating her up and as much as I want to keep looking at them, I help her. I dig in the back of the truck for her wet shorts, which she happily accepts, slipping them up her long legs as I offer her a shirt.

“Have you got a spare tee?”

In the box in the truck-bed I pull out my spare white tee and my jacket, holding up both for her to choose from.

She chooses the Tee, but eyes the jacket and I know what’s coming as I jam it back in the box.

“You didn’t mention you played for the school football team.” She eyes the closed box and then me again.

“Yeah, it’s no big deal. I played and then it wasn’t important anymore.”

She obviously wants to ask more but, given my current mood, I’ll say that one little word that will put a stop to it regardless of how many more I have left. I’ll pass in a second flat.

“How about you show me around?” she says instead, grabbing my hand. Christ, I love her.

We head around to the side entrance where the green shade cloth protects the table of potted plants and seedlings, it’s muggy with the sprinklers going. The plants are looking good considering the heat and drought. It’s the top section which backs onto a garden that catches Blue’s eyes, though and I know straight away she is making the connection. It’s the small greenhouse that houses the bonsai collection with the elaborate water feature, pond and oriental statues which Mom made. It took her months to get it to her desired state. It started off as a small idea in the corner and grew and grew until she branched outside and had to build the greenhouse for her own private haven.

It’s grown since then; more bonsai and other oriental plants have been added. We kept it up even though Albany isn’t the right climate and bonsai aren’t in demand. We did that for her.

There are carp in the pond and the trees outside are growing rapidly. It’s almost like an oasis amongst farmland with the heart being the greenhouse. From the outside, you wouldn’t know it was even there. This was just one of my mother’s dreams. The other, I’m still trying to achieve.

Blue doesn’t stop by the orchids or any of the other pretty, flowering plants that most girls like. The delicate arrangements of dwarf trees are what’s calling to her and I know right then that she is the one to help me keep this dream alive. Blue will help it flourish and I will be by her side.

It’s a disturbing thing to think about so quickly; our futures. Normally guys my age are thinking about football, grades and girls. But I’m not a normal teenager, I know that. I’ve known since Mom was dying. I know I’ll never be normal and I’m okay with that, too.

“Come on, I’ll show you my room,” I say. Blue spins on the spot, confused. “The room at my dad’s house is not really my room. I sleep there most times, but since I work here every afternoon and pretty much every weekend, I sleep here, too.”

“How come no one’s around? Is business not doing well?”

Chuckling, I hug her to my side and lead her from the nursery to the main barn. “It’s Sunday afternoon. This may be a farming community, but we’re family driven. Most farm owners can pick up their supplies here any day and though farming is a twenty-four-seven job, family is more important.”

Her head leans into my chest and I can’t remember ever feeling like this.
Ever
. Blue does something to me that gives me hope.

A ladder leads to the top of the barn and although I act like I’m being protective by telling her to go first, it’s purely selfishness as I watch her tiny, denim-clad ass move above my face. I’m not fooling anyone, she’s too smart for that shit, but it’s fun all the same.

Blue is lapping my room very slowly as I stand and observe every reaction. She fingers my photo frames of Mom and smiles crazily at the ones of me growing up. “A lot of the stuff is actually mom’s. I don’t have the heart to get rid of them and Dad doesn’t want clutter,” I tell her and she eyes me over her shoulder as she picks up another picture of me and my first motorbike. She then traces a finger along the bench Ed made me for all the photos and other shit.

I continue, ‘cause her silence is nerve wracking, “Carter and Ed set this room up for me one day when I was at school. It wasn’t long after Mom passed that I had to sell the house. I think I was close to dying completely inside until that day. They saved me.”

I have no idea why I’m telling her all this stuff, but I can’t help it. She’s biting her lip and she now has a photo of Mom and me when she wasn’t too ill, but had lost a lot of her glory by then. It was in the hospital gardens where she liked it most.

“Why do stay at your fathers at all when you have this place? You told him if you had a choice you wouldn’t be there.”

I drop my gaze and nod. Yeah I know exactly what she’s saying. “I lied. It’s complex.” I walk over to her and take the photo from her. It’s not my favorite photo by any means, but it was her last. “I can’t let him go, too,” I say, placing the frame on the old dresser. “He’s all I’ve got left and I guess I feel if I leave then I’m alone in this world. I can’t willingly give up on the idea that one day I’ll have my dad’s love, I guess, and if I move out then that would be the end of the dream.”

There’s a pregnant silence before I look at her. I want to see if she understands, if she approves even. What I didn’t expect to see is the tears. What I didn’t expect is to see her cover her face and run to the edge of the open platform of my room and give me a freaking stroke. What I didn’t expect is for her to leave me.

9

Love’s turning point

Harper

‘I was never insane except upon occasion when my heart was touched.’

Edgar Allen Poe

             My safety is the last thing on my mind as I hear Vaun’s warnings. I need to get out of there. Away from him. Away from his tragedy before I ruin him further.

              My lungs drag in air that’s laced with … water. When did it begin to rain? I glance skyward, but my eyes won’t stop fluttering against the rain and tears. I fucking hate the tears! I’m so sick of crying! I liked it better when I didn’t cry in public, when I had some control. Now, I have none. I don’t want this life. I don’t want this life for me or Vaun.

              I scream into the rain, into the sky, into the world that’s filled with so much pain. I scream until my throat burns of fire and ice all in one. I scream until Vaun grabs my shoulders and squashes me against his chest. Right there is where my screams disappear and my sobs begin. I fucking hate them too, but they have possession of me now. Like Vaun.

              No! I push from him and thrust my hands into the drenched tangled mess of my hair and for only a splinter of a second do I think about how it will all be gone in the in a few weeks and then I’m back here ― standing in the rain, my heart’s breaking for a boy who’s searching for hope in my eyes. I have no hope. If I did, I would willingly give him everything he needed, but life isn’t like that.

              “Blue,” he pleads, water falling from his lips. “Talk to me.”

              I should have told him that first day. I should have pushed him away so he wouldn’t feel any more pain. But no, I had to have him and now I hurt him. Well, I won’t let him see another die. I won’t let him feel that desperation of loneliness after I’m taken.

              So I back away from him, my chest shuddering against the sobs that want to break out, but I hold back because I’m taking control again. He can see it, my retraction from him, from us, and his eyes widen and he’s shaking his head while I nod mine. “We can’t do this,” I say. “You have faced so much pain and I’m going to bring you more.”

              “
What are you talking about?”
  He’s stepping closer, his arms out to touch me and I step even further away, the truck is close and I’m mindful of being trapped. We are both soaked through, I can see right through his tee and, he mine, but we don’t care. He stops closing in on me and I think he’s worried I’ll run. He’s right. There might be miles between here and home, but I’ll run from him if I have to.

              “You have so much heartache, Vaun. I can’t stand any more. My heart isn’t strong enough and neither is yours.”

              “Mine will always sustain us. You don’t have to worry. We can do this no matter what. I
was
alone, Blue. Right up until I met you. That’s when my heart began to heal. With you, I will always have hope for a future and happiness.”

              “That’s the point,” I scream and he doesn’t understand. Why should he when he’s missing the vital piece. “I don’t want to hurt you and no matter what I do, no matter how much I love you, it’s going to happen. If I let you go now, it will be easier. If I don’t …”

              I don’t know if it was the rain in my eyes, but I swear he has tears and I utterly hate myself for it. I hate myself right up until he has my shoulders in his hands again and he’s futilely swiping the water from my face.

              “My heart is stronger because of you, Blue. My will is stronger. Together we are stronger.”

              My heart hurts like hell has nested inside my chest. I’m scared and I’m lost just thinking about pushing him away.

              “I love you, Blue. I love you more than anything left here on this earth and I think we were meant to find one another. You saved me and now … I’m going to save you.”

              I’m kissing him. I’m drinking the water that leaks through our lips and my hands are clinging to his wet tee. My feet are lifted from the ground and my back is against the cold steel of the truck as my legs wrap around him and he drives closer until I almost feel squashed, but I don’t care. I need to be closer still. I need to be closer to him and erase the world and everything that hurts us.

              I pull at his tee, struggling against the wet fabric and his skin until he reefs it over his head. He only breaks contact for a second but it feels too long before he has my mouth again.

              I don’t think I will ever get enough of his mouth. This kiss is fierce and it’s hot and almost better than anything. But something in my soul is burning for more and I know this is it. I know he is the one and I’m glad it’s him. I’m glad I waited for this very moment to feel right.

              I don’t want him to have any mistake in my motives; I want him to see me. Even though I desperately want to keep kissing Vaun, my lips are finding the chill air and rain again as I pull away and drop my feet to the ground.

              He looks sad and scared. I hate that, so I smile and take his hand. I’m being more brazen than April will ever know as I lead him back to the barn.

              In his room, I feel the warmth of his surroundings. I’m not talking about temperature, I’m talking about essence. Every essence of love went into this room. It may be a barn loft to some, but to me it feels like a home and a refuge.

              My heart is going a million miles against my chest as I back up to the bed and face Vaun. He looks more scared than before and I can’t help the smirk.