Never Let Go (Take My Hand) (14 page)

Almost.

“You look as bad as I feel,” I muttered to Rachel.
Everyone else had gone out to the arcades but Rachel felt sick and I had a motherfucking
headache from hell so we stayed behind. We were lying next to each other on
Emmie and Dexter’s bed. She was propped up with pillows from all three of our
rooms and I was lying flat on my back with my forearm shielding my eyes from
the light.

“My belly is feeling a little squished because I have
two ginormous humans in it. You’re dying. I think you win.”

I raised my arm off my eyes just long enough to smile
at her. I love Rachel’s no bullshit attitude. I always have. She never beats
around the bush – whatever comes out of her mouth matches what’s going on
in her head and I really admire her for that.

“I don’t know, Rach. The idea of death seems a lot
less terrifying than having to push two giant melons out of my jap’s eye.”

“Fucking don’t even go there, Chris. I am shitting
myself.”

“You’ll be fine. You’ve got bigger balls than me,
Rach. You’ll do great, and you’ll be an amazing mum too.”

There went that pang of sadness again. Emmie and
Rachel have been inseparable most of their lives, so naturally I think of
Rachel like a little sister too. I doubt I’ll be here to see her be a mother
for long, but I hope I hold out long enough for even a small glimpse.

“You really think so?” she asked. “I sometimes wonder
if I’m cut out for it. I mean, I swear too much, I get pissed off too easily
and I’m too opinionated for my own good. And what if… well what if they’re
embarrassed of me?”

“You’re their mother. Of course they’ll be embarrassed
of you! But seriously… you’re an amazing girl, Rachel Mason. Underneath those
tats and that big gob of yours, you’re one of the most fiercely loving people
I’ve ever met. Those babies are lucky to have you as their mum. Jared on the
other hand…” I teased and she swatted my stomach, making my knees jerk up in response.

“He may be a goofy moron but he’s
my
goofy moron,” she replied, winking at me.

“He seems like a good guy. Obviously adores you.”

“Yeah,” she breathed, but there was a tinge of awe in
her voice that told me she still couldn’t quite believe it.

“You don’t think he does?”

“No,” she said, shaking her head slightly. “I know he
does. It’s just sometimes I can’t believe I’ve been so lucky. I know he’s a
goofball and we spend more time insulting each other than swapping ‘I love
you’s’, but I adore him, Chris. He’s everything to me. He makes me feel special
– not in the way my mum does, but in a way that makes me feel wanted.
Loved. Important. You know what I mean?”

“I can imagine. I’ve never really experienced the
being in love thing.”
And now I never will.
“But if it’s the way you describe it, it sounds beautiful.”

“What does it feel like? To know that you’re going to
die?”

Wow.
Um…okay…

“At first, I felt so fucking angry. I’m barely thirty…
there’s so much I haven’t done, so much I haven’t seen or experienced. I always
thought I’d get to fall in love – get married, have babies. And I’ve
always had this idea that I would take my wife to Paris for our first wedding
anniversary. Romantic right?”

“Very,” she agreed, sounding impressed with my plan.

“I always planned to travel the States too one day.
Make the drive down Route 66 with the hood down on a rented convertible… stay
up all night and sleep all day in Vegas… So yeah. I was angry. It didn’t seem
fair. Why me? I thought. But then again why
not
me? What makes me so special?

“After the anger subsided I just felt terribly sad.
Every time I looked at Emmie I already missed her. That was the first time I
ever considered telling her about our real mum, but after everything she’d been
through with Dex I just didn’t have the heart to fuck with her head even more.
I’m glad she knows now though. She already seems more settled don’t you think?
It’s like some part of her always knew something was missing from her life and
now she feels complete. She knows where she comes from. I don’t know if that
makes any sense.”

“It makes complete sense. She’s actually said the very
same thing to me.” That made me smile. “And what about
now
? How do you feel about it now?”

“Ready,” I said simply. I couldn’t have said that
before this week away. But now everything is in place. The garage is in Emmie’s
name. Dexter only has two more assessments before he gets awarded his NVQ in
mechanics. I’ve made my peace with my father. I’ve reminisced with Emmie and
told her how much I love her. And after this conversation with Rachel, I feel
like I’ve closed that chapter too. All that’s left to say is a final goodbye.

And I have no doubt that is going to be my hardest
battle yet.

“I can’t even imagine what that must feel like,”
Rachel sighed. I couldn’t think of a response for that so we just stayed quiet,
staring at the cracked ceiling. “You know, I had such a crush on you in high
school.”

“What? Rach you’re practically my little sister!”

“That’s not how I saw it. Seriously when I was
thirteen I kept a photo of you in my bedside table and I would take it out and
kiss it every night before I went to bed.”

“That’s um… wow,” I laughed. “Does Emmie know?”

“No way. She’d have thought I was a complete saddo.”

“I kind of agree with her.” That earned me an elbow in
the ribs. “I just saw you as the little squirt who hung out with my sister.”

“You know it’s taking all my self control not to make
some lewd comment about being a ‘squirt’.”

“Eww! I’ve just told you you’re like a sister to me!”

“That’s why I restrained myself, dickhole. Because…
these days I think of you like a brother too. And I guess I couldn’t ask for a
better one.”

“I love you, twirp.”

“Yeah. I love you, too.”

Closing my heavy eyes I let myself drift off to sleep,
peaceful in the knowledge everyone I cared about knew how much they meant to
me.

Emily

“
You’re
gonna be in so much shit, dude,”
Dexter said, laughing to Jared as he made his way out of the arcade with a pink
teddy.

“I won her a teddy! How can she be pissed off at
that?”

“Because you must’ve put about fifty pounds in that
machine to win a teddy you could probably pick up in a dollar store.”

“Yeah well she doesn’t need to know that part. I’m
telling you she’ll love it, which means she’ll reward me in kind later.” Jared
winked at Dexter who simply shook his head. “I’m going to head back now to
check on her. You guys coming?”

“Actually I want to take Em for a stroll down the
beach.” My heart warmed instantly. We hadn’t spent much time alone together
this last week. “What d’you say, doll? Will you take a walk with me?”

“Sure,” I agreed with a smile.

“Catch you guys later then. Actually make that
tomorrow. I’ll be busy getting my reward remember?” Jared winked again, holding
the pink teddy proudly in the air.

“Bye, Jared.”

“Laters, dude.”

And then Jared walked away, leaving Dexter and me
alone. Well, if you don’t count the crowds of other holidaymakers and
partygoers surrounding us.

“Come on, doll, let’s head to the sand. There’s no one
else there at this time of night.”

“It’s almost 9 PM. I don’t know if we’re allowed to go
on the beach this late. Don’t they close it or something?”

“We’ll find a way. Take my hand, doll.” And so I did,
grinning like an idiot while Dexter led me across the road and towards the
beach.

As I suspected, the beach was closed off. But that
didn’t stop Dexter finding a low level railing and hopping effortlessly over
it. At first I flat out refused to join him. One, because I was scared we would
get caught and two, because I knew I wouldn’t be able to climb over without
breaking a limb. I can’t say it took more than a little gentle persuasion for
Dexter to change my mind though. One tiny pout and an adorable wink and I
would’ve agreed to anything. So once I’d gathered up enough courage to hitch myself
up onto the rail, Dexter wrapped his arms under my armpits and lifted me over,
before lowering me into the sand and kissing me.

Carrying our shoes in our hands, we walked along the
sand for a while. Being late at night it was cold beneath my feet, but I
welcomed the coolness. It helped numb the ache of walking around in tight shoes
all day. We ended up settled on some stone steps, tucked away at the far side
of the beach with nobody else in sight. Dexter had his arm wrapped around me
and I rested my head on his chest, looking out to the sea.

“I never did get a chance to show you the New Life
list I drew up in rehab,” Dexter said while twirling strands of my hair between
his fingers.

“I don’t want to see it,” I replied. “I’ve not looked
at my own since I first went to America with you. So much has changed, I don’t
think either list is probably relevant anymore. I think we should start again.
Draw up a new list. Together.”

“I like that idea. A lot. Although there is one thing
I would like to transfer from
your
list
to
our
list.”

“Oh yeah?”

“Wasn’t there something about skinny dipping on
Brighton beach?”

“Ah yes. Number thirty-four!”

“Well how about we change it to skinny dipping on
Blackpool beach?”

“You can’t be serious! That water will be freezing!” I
objected, sitting up and pulling myself free from his arm so I could stare at
him.

“I’ll warm you up,” he said with a suggestive smirk.
“Oh wait,” he continued, suddenly looking serious. “I’m sorry. I didn’t think.”

“What are you talking about?”

“The first time I took you into the water you freaked
out… about Olivia. I forgot. I’m sorry.”

“Dexter I barely knew you then. I was fighting my own
demons that you knew nothing about. I’ve come so far since then. I’m not afraid
to go into the water with you. I trust you with my life now.”

“Oh, doll… you really shouldn’t have said that.”

“What, why?” Dexter was standing up and reaching down
for me before I’d even finished speaking. “Dex what are you… Dexter! Argh!”
Instinctively I closed my eyes when I found myself in his arms with the breeze
whipping against my face. He was running towards the water, and the only
indication I had that we’d reached it was the sound of the water slapping
against his bare feet.

“Hold on tight, doll!”

Before I could argue my whole body was immersed in the
freezing cold water with Dexter tugging eagerly at my sodden clothes.

“It’s freezing!” I screamed. Grinning devilishly at
me, Dexter started unbuttoning my shirt.

“Well you’re about to get one hell of a lot colder,
doll.” Oh my God. We were in the sea on a public beach where anyone could walk
up on us at any minute. Yet when Dexter had stripped me first and then himself
naked, tossing our clothes towards the sand, I had never felt so turned on in my
life. It felt strangely liberating. “I fucking love you, Emily Barton,” he
growled into my neck. Then he lifted me up, encouraging my legs to wrap around
his waist, and he kissed me passionately…
everywhere.

**********

One
month later…

“Are you nervous?” I asked Dexter. He passed his final
NVQ assessment last week and now all he had left to do in order to earn his
qualification was a two hour exam at the college. That’s where he was heading
this morning.

“Nah. I know this shit in my sleep,” he answered with
a confident grin. “I think you should go and check on Chris when I’m gone. I
heard him rattling around a lot in the night.”

“Yeah,” I agreed with a solemn nod. “Me too.”

The past couple of weeks Chris has spent more time in
bed than not. He’s lost a drastic amount of weight – so much so his eyes
look permanently sunken and his face gaunt. So far he has flat out refused to
let us call his Macmillan nurse, but somehow I think that decision might be out
of his hands soon.

“Well good luck. Call me as soon as you get out,” I
told Dexter, leaning up on my tiptoes to kiss him.

“Sure will, doll. I’m not allowed to take my cell into
the exam room, but if you need me for
anything
,
call the college and tell them it’s an emergency.”

I nodded again and Dexter gave me a quick squeeze
before slapping my bum, grabbing the keys for his bike and leaving for college.

The first thing I did once I heard the roar of his
bike outside is head upstairs to check on Chris. Peering through the crack in
the door I saw he was fast asleep so not wanting to disturb him I turned back
to the stairs. Well, after hovering outside his room for a minute or so to make
sure I could hear him breathing. The thought that one day, most likely soon, I
won’t
hear him sends painful shivers
down my spine.

When I got downstairs I tidied the magazines into a
neat pile on the coffee table, fluffed up the cushions and gave the place a
quick vacuum. My dad and Sarah were on their way so I just did the essentials
to make the place look presentable. I’d just finished winding the cord around
the hook on the vacuum I heard a knock at the door.

“Hey, princess,” my dad greeted first, giving me an
awkward kiss on the cheek before stepping inside.

“Hi, honey,” Sarah greeted next, giving me a full on
hug. “Has Dexter left for college?”

“Yeah. I’m nervous. I don’t know why because he’s
not,” I admitted.

“He’ll be fine. He’s been poking his nose under cars
for as long as I can remember.” She was right of course, but I was still sure
I’d feel better when he’d finished the exam and was back home with me.

“Can I get you a drink?” I asked both of them.

“I’d love a coffee,” Sarah answered as she removed her
jacket.

“I’ll take a tea-two please, princess.”

Nodding, I made my way into the kitchen. I heard
footsteps following me and when I looked around I saw my dad standing nervously
in the doorway.

“Where’s Christopher?” he asked, his brow furrowing
with sadness.

“He’s sleeping. He sleeps a lot lately.”

“Does he have another hospital appointment coming up?”

“On Friday. I’m hoping he’ll agree to let his Macmillan
nurse start coming to the house and issue him with stronger pain meds. He tries
to hide it but you can see the pain in his eyes. He’s really suffering.” Tears
pricked the back of my eyes as I spoke, and when I looked over at my dad I
noticed his were a little redder around the edges too.

We stood in silence after that while I continued
making drinks. I was almost finished, just stirring my dad’s two sugars into
his tea, when he drew a deep breath and tucked his hands nervously in his
pockets.

“So, I um… I filed for divorce last week.”

“Oh. I don’t really know what I’m supposed to say to
that.” Do you congratulate people on getting a divorce? Say you’re sorry to
hear that? Tell them it’s about bloody time?

“You don’t need to say anything, princess. I just
thought you should know. Your mothe-I mean
Jocelyn
,
refuses to speak to me, but according to my solicitor she’s started a therapy
programme.”

“Well that’s good. She needs it.” And I meant it.
Despite our troubled relationship I couldn’t bring myself to hate the woman I
believed to be my mum my whole life, and I don’t think she’s naturally evil. I
think she lost a child and didn’t have the faintest idea how to cope with that.
“I hope it brings her some peace.”

I’d be lying if I said I didn’t miss Jocelyn in some
way. She’s the only mother I’ve ever known and a part of me still wants to make
her proud. I’ve accepted that will probably never happen, but the fact she’s
getting counselling sparked a flicker of hope inside me. Knowing what I know
now, I don’t ever expect her to love me like a daughter, but I can’t help
hoping she will at least find it in her heart not to hate me one day.

“MUM?” Chris’ voice called down the stairs. My neck
jerked straight towards the sound and when I ran out into the hallway, my dad
followed. “Mum! Mum where are my trainers?”

“Chris?” I asked carefully, hesitantly making my way
up the stairs.

“Not you,” he spat, waving me off with his hand. “I
need Mum. I’m going to be late for football practice and I can’t find my
trainers!”

My heart hammered against my ribs and not knowing how
to deal with the situation, I called down the stairs for Sarah. She was by my
side in seconds, and so was my dad.

“Dad, there you are,” Chris said to him, looking
relieved. “Have
you
seen my trainers?
Mum’s tidied them away again and I’m going to be late for practice.”

“He’s not played football since he was in high
school,” I whispered to Sarah. “He’s not making any sense. What’s wrong with
him?” I rambled, fear stinging my eyes and making me cry.

“He’s just a little confused, honey. The doctor said
this could happen, right?”

“I know but… but… it’s scaring me.”

“DAD!” Chris yelled, annoyed that he hadn’t got a
response yet.

“No, son. I haven’t seen them. But hey, your coach
just called and said practice is cancelled today. Why don’t you head back to
bed for a while?”

“Ugh, whatever. Where’s Mum? I still need to find my
trainers for later.”

“Your mum’s, um… not here.”

“Chris?” I said, my voice quivering.

“Leave me alone. I’ve got a headache. I’m going to
sleep it off in my room.”

Swallowing down the choking lump of nerves in my
throat, I nodded weakly. Then Chris stormed into his room and slammed the door
closed behind him.

“Does he think he’s a teenager again or something?
When he said ‘Mum’ did he mean our
real
mum?
Will he snap out of it? Will he be back to normal after some more sleep? What
if-”

“Calm down, honey,” Sarah soothed, cutting me off. “I
think it’s time to give his nurse a call. She’s there for
you
as much as your brother.”

Again, all I could do was nod. I closed my eyes
briefly while I gathered some composure, but they were startled open when I
felt strong arms wrapping around me. My eyes met my dad’s for just a second
before he pulled me close to his chest and I cried like a baby into his
light-blue shirt.

“It’s okay, princess,” he said, his words cracking.
“We’ll get through this.”

But
Chris won’t…

“I-I love you, Dad,” I confessed, the tears making my
voice uneven. I don’t quite know why I said it. I don’t recall a time I’ve ever
been the first to say it, or especially a time when I was in his arms when I
did. But in that moment I
felt
it.
Without warning it hit me how much I loved my dad and when I realised he would
soon be the only blood family I had left, I clutched him a little tighter.