Never Meant to Be (6 page)

“Then you're not reading properly, Latif.”

“What do you mean, I'm not reading properly? Does that mean you've spotted the man?”

“Like you, I'm not sure yet. But it’s a more convincing lead than your plastic surgery theory. No offense to you, I mean, there's also a fair chance that Mr. Brad turns out to be the guy but..." Stella stopped and looked outside. The rain was still pouring heavily.

“Are you hungry?” She asked Latif.

“Yeah, I think I am.”

“Okay. I think there are some noodles in my cupboard. I'll make some up.” Stella left the room and went into the kitchen. She glanced again through the kitchen window at her flowers getting beaten by the merciless rain.

She took her phone out of her pocket and dialed up a number. A man picked up.

“Are you close?” The voice asked.

“I think I am.”

“Did you read both the diaries?”

“No, I'm reading just one. The other one is being read by my assistant.” Stella looked into her little office to make sure Latif wasn't listening to the conversation.

“So are you involving him in this?”

“No, not fully. By the way, you don’t have to worry. I told him that I stole the dairy. He believes me. Aren't you betraying her?” There was a little pause before the man spoke.

“I know what I'm doing. Think about the offer again, because we know it’s for everyone’s good.”

A crash of thunder sounded as the man hung up the phone and then all Stella could hear was the mechanical
beep
.

***

Esther’s Diary

I remember Johnny’s famous topic as a kid:

“I always wonder what lies beyond that horizon. One day, I'll go there. I'll just keep running and running. There will be chocolates and more dreams, more sleep, more food. There will be possibilities. The sky in the palm of  my hand.” Johnny's eyes sparkled with the reflection of the setting sun. I was also nine years old at the time, but he had more of an imagination than me.

He also always made me wonder what really lay beyond that horizon.

That day, even though it was over a decade later, his eyes still sparkled when looking at the horizon. I sat beside him, counting the pages of our life, and he scribbled something in his diary. He looked at me through the corner of his eye to check that I wasn't reading, turned his back a little, and kept scribbling. Curious, I moved closer to him. He moved away. So I snatched the dairy from him and tried to read what he had written. It looked like a poem.

Maybe the sky is too arrogant to be loved

Maybe the...

He snatched it back before I could read further.

“It’s not polite to read someone else’s dairy, you know.” He looked disgusted at me.

“Oh! So you're a poet now? That’s good.”

“No, I'm not.”             

I looked at him as the silence dragged on between us.

“Then what are you, Johnny?” I whispered.

He took his time before speaking, maybe because he was trying to assemble the right words.

“I am the silence who speaks when you and I are not talking. I'm the void sitting between us. I am the boy who is still fascinated by the mystery that lies beyond that horizon. The boy who craves that little girl who used to take beatings from her parents for me. And the boy who..."

I had frozen. He stopped. His jacket collar was up and his flat cap was hiding his forehead, but I could still see his eyes. Those eyes had thick walls built up after all those years because he never let a tear come out. For a moment, I thought I saw the very same little boy sitting next to me on that bench, the very same bench where we used to sit together as children. Back then, there used to be a green park there. It had been turned into a patch of concrete for people to come and sit on.

I always thought that I understood his silence, but I was wrong. I was wrong even that day.

“Sometimes I envy you, Johnny. I mean, how are you still fascinated by what lies beyond that horizon? How are you able to keep that child inside alive? I tried so hard to do that. I ran away from home, and tried to live a bohemian life, free and unbound. But I was dragged back to this world of corporate politics. The child inside of me-- the child I try so hard to keep alive--dies a little bit more every day. But when I see you, I'm filled with hope. I'm drawn back to that world where we were free.”

The breeze was still playing with my hair as I pulled it out of my face to let the dying sun touch it. And we basked in silence some more before Johnny spoke.

“What if we're just two dry leaves waiting for the spring, forgetting that autumn has to come first ?” The breeze surrounded his words like a symphony.

We stared the horizon for few seconds before I broke it.

“I need your help, Johnny.”

He turned to me, surprised.

“Okay, but what kind of help? What could I possibly do for the city princess?” He had taken to calling me that.

“You're the only one who can help me, because you're the only one I feel that I can really trust. And you're the only one who can do it.”

“What? You want me to rob a bank?”

I smiled at his humor. “No, it's something little simpler, but it could still be dangerous. As you know, I also own a pharmaceutical company. Well, I inherited it. Basically, it was meant to be for helping to provide medicine for needy people. Of course, it needed to make some profit, but now I think it's all about the profit. We were supposed to ship ten percent of our production to  places in need as a sign of goodwill. But I think that it's being smuggled illegally somewhere else, because it looks like the company is making other kinds of drugs for a different kind of market, if you know what I mean."

“So you want me to smuggle it back?”

“No. I want you to keep an eye out. You grew up here. You know everything that goes around. You know these streets. So help me out. I think I've been deceived and lied to. I want you to expose them indirectly so that it can come out in the media. Then I can latch onto them. I can’t do it directly because then they'll just tell me more lies. I should have listened to my parents. I should gotten a background in business, but I wanted to be an artist. And now here I am, a sitting duck in my own company. I don’t know what's going out and what's coming in. All I do is pretend that I know and nod my head.” I looked down at the ground.

“Did you consult with...What’s his name...Mr. Brad?”

“No, this is between me and you. He's good and takes care of me and if it weren't for him, I wouldn’t have survived this long. But sometimes, he acts a little strange. I don’t know if I'm being paranoid or...Let's just keep this between me and you.”

Suddenly, I heard footsteps approaching behind me.

“Ma’am?”

Speak of the devil.
“Oh! Mr. Brad. When did you arrive?” I turned as he politely interrupted.

“There's a problem,” he whispered into my ear.

I hope he didn't hear what I said.

“When isn't there?” I sighed. My little break was over.

I hugged Johnny before leaving as I whispered to him. “I want to get wasted. Let’s meet tomorrow.”

Johnny chuckled a little bit and Mr. Brad raised his eyebrows, curious. Maybe he was scared that I would try to escape from that crazy corporate prison again.

“And Johnny, if we are what you said we are, then let’s just enjoy our fall.” I winked at him and hopped into the car.

It was time to get back to the corporate bullshit. Mr. Brad started spilling it all out without wasting any time.

“Ma’am, there are few things I have to inform you on.”
Oh, here it comes
. “First, our lawyer was brutally attacked. Fortunately, the bullet didn’t do any permanent damage, only minor breakage and a flesh wound. But he was carrying some important papers, which fortunately remained safe. This is the fourth time that this has happened one of our employees. Well, we all know who's behind all this, but...” He trailed off.  

“Is that everything?” I asked curiously. His pause made me nervous. It meant that something worse was coming.

“Ma’am, there is another thing. Ka...Katherine is making a statement in front of the board. Her excuse is that you're just twenty one, and too young to handle a company, so she wants to take over."

My heart sunk. It was true, I was young, but the thought of Katherine in charge of the company made me sick. "But we've got this. I admit, there are some who support her, but right now the company needs your image and with your goodwill I'm sure we'll outvote her.”

“How dare that bitch! How could she even think of challenging me in my own company? In the company my parents built?” I punched the door with my fist.

“I'm going to smack her as soon as we reach the office.”

“Ma’am, please. I insist, don’t do anything stupid.”  Mr. Brad had a tough time making me understand that I shouldn't do anything stupid.

Katherine was already sitting with three board members, flaunting her naked legs. She looked nothing less than a bitch. I clutched my purse tightly as I passed her smirking face.

I sat right in front of her. We faced each other, exchanging intense glares without any words. It was the same look boxers always give their opponents before a fight. As usual, she couldn't keep her mouth shut.

“Oh, look who showed up. Did you bring your paint and brush, sweetie? My home needs a little redecoration.”

I ignored her comment.

“I don’t see your loyal dog wagging his tail around you today,” I retorted.

“He's right where he should be. You don’t have to worry about him, honey. Worry about yourself. One day, that dog will bite you.”

The entrance of Mr. Brad and the other board members interrupted our exchange. 

“Okay, ladies and gentlemen of the board, we all know that this company is going through a series of rough patches and there are some hostile emotions, but I expect everybody to act professionally. We all know exactly why we're here, so let’s do this quickly. Those in favor of Esther, raise your hand.”

Thankfully, the vote finished five to one. Katherine voted for herself. I wanted to laugh at her embarrassment, but I hid it because Mr. Brad had warned me that the company needed my good image. I was still safe.

But I knew that as time passed, Katherine would conspire more, and her loyal dogs that worked throughout the company would start to bark again. I knew I had to prepare for that day, but I couldn't help but wonder: Why had she even asked for a vote when she knew she was going to lose?

***

Chapter Five

The Fiancée

Esther’s diary

“Am I recognizable?” I asked Johnny. He looked at me in my pair of rugged jeans and punk t-shirt with an old overcoat that I had bought from a pawn shop to blend in with the crowd.

“You look okay,” he nodded his head in approval.

“Good, because I want to drink like a pig tonight.” I said excitedly. “Also, I've never been to a cheap place like this.”

We entered a local club. The atmosphere was completely different from what I had seen. The thick scent of smoke and beer was enthralling. The room was filled with the pounding beat and drunk voices. A group of worked-up men were smashing their bottles and glasses together, cheering at the victory of their soccer team. A few middle-aged women tapped their feet to the music of a local band, trying not to look desperate. No one else seemed to be listening to the music. It was chaos, but I liked it.

“Wow! I'm in local club, Johnny. Can you believe it?”

He looked at me and raised an eyebrow, as if I wasn't supposed to be happy about that. We went to the bar and ordered shots. I had always wanted to do that.

“Let’s play a game! Whoever tells a more interesting story wins. The winner will get to drink both shots. The other has to watch.”

“Are you sure?” Johnny looked at me with a playful warning smile. To be honest, I really just wanted to hear a little more about him.

“Okay, I'll start. You know, until ninth grade, I used to be the top of the class. But there was this girl name Nela... She beat my total average score and mocked me for two days. But on the third day, we realized that there was a mistake on her grade sheet. A group of kids told the teacher, and eventually I came out on top again and was able to mock her for a whole year.”

I  looked at Johnny, trying to figure out if he was impressed. He just smirked and turned towards me.

“A policeman arrested me for stealing his cell phone.”

“That’s it?” I looked at him in disbelief, because had been expecting some great narrative.

“Later, he found out that it was Edi, but he still put me in jail.”

“Why?”

“Because he found his car keys and his wife's panties in my jacket. Well, it wasn't my jacket. It was Edi's jacket. He had been sleeping with the cop's wife.”
I knew I couldn't win at this game
.

   “Panties, huh?”

“I swear it wasn’t me. It was Edi. You know him, right? How charged up he always is?” He downed his shot and then took mine as well. There was no way I was going to win at that game. So I changed the rules.

“Okay, now the rules have changed. Who has a sadder story?”

“Oh, so you can’t win, so you just change the rules? I know where you're going with this.”  He signaled to the bartender for another shot.

“I lost both my parents.”
Now he can’t beat that
, I said to myself. He was silent for few seconds. I smelled victory, but then he opened his mouth.

“ So cliché. I saw that coming the moment you said sad story. Okay, okay, if you want to play like that...hmm ...Well, I've never even known my parents. What do they even look like? Why did they hate me so much that they abandoned me? Sometimes, I invent fictional parents and imagine they got into some accident together and then cry, just to see how it feels to cry for someone you love.” He drank both shots again without even looking me.

“Well, that’s not fair Johnny...You have to let me win some time.”

“Why should I let you? Are you my girlfriend?”

My heart flipped.
What if I was? Would it be so bad
? The idea made me blush.

“Am I not?” I looked into his deep eyes and they were staring right back me. They gleamed in the reflection of the dim bar light. After few seconds, he looked down at the bar.

“I signed a forty-five million dollar contract today.”

“I smuggled a truck full of cocaine.”

“Really?” I looked at him, shocked.

“No, I'm just kidding." He grinned at my shock. "You won.”

He pushed a shot over to me and I drank it.

And so the night began. At the time, I had no idea that what started with a game and few shots would end up turning around so quickly. Johnny, as always, was hard to read. One moment, he would smile and laugh, and the next, he would become...well, Johnny. At one point, I remember looking at him. He was staring sadly into his glass.

“Johnny, what happened?” He didn't look up. “What do you see there?”

“Is this some kind of prank or trick question?” He asked strangely.

He still looked into the glass and moved his finger around the glass but didn't touch it.

“You see the empty part of the glass? The void? That’s me. And the full part in the bottom is you. You know, you may be precious, and people may want you, and  it’s because of you that this glass is worth something. But sip by sip, I will consume you. Slowly, the bottle will become filled with emptiness and there will come a time when you will no longer exist. And I fear for that day.” 

I didn’t know what to say.

I looked at the bottle, and it looked right back at me.

Maybe he was right in a sick Shakespearean way, but what's so wrong with being the void if it means that we can be together?  I don’t mind ...
The drinks were starting to get to me.

Wait a minute. What? What are you thinking? You and Johnny? No, no you can’t...
I tried to bring myself back to reality

...
But what's so wrong with it? No. You can't. He's...he's...

I looked at Johnny, and he was still staring into the glass. I glanced down at it. And there we were, both staring into a half-filled bottle like a couple of nuts.

Then suddenly he started to laugh.

“Don’t listen to me, Esther. I'm just crazy." He took a drink and changed the subject.

"So, Miss Esther, this is your night out. You want to do something crazy?” 

“Huh?” I was still wrapped in my own thoughts. 

“Do you want to do something crazy?”

Before I could answer,  my phone started to ring. I jumped. It was Mr. Brad.

“Oh, God, what should I do? What should I do?”

“Let me handle this.” Johnny took the phone from me. I first thought he was going to hang up, but to my surprise, he picked it up and starting speaking in a feminine voice I never could have imagined coming from him.

“Hey, babe. Are you horny tonight? Because I am. Why don’t you come and lick my...”

I gasped, and he burst into laughter. Seeing him laugh made me start to laugh. The room spun a little bit, and I fell off my chair.

“Fuck you!” Johnny started to shout into the phone. I could hear Mr. Brad 's concerned voice repeating "
Ma’am, are you okay
?"

My drunken rage came out, and I started to shout the same in the background. Later, I would feel bad for Mr. Brad, who was only trying to do his job in the frustrating corporate world I found a prison. Johnny hung up the phone.

“So, Johnny, you were saying something about crazy stuff?”

The next think I remember was standing on a stage, screaming into a microphone.

I'm on the highway to hell

On the highway to hell

Johnny got up on a table,  beer bottle in hand, and sang along with me, pretending his beer was a microphone.

Karaoke was one thing, but then Johnny and I went a step too far.

“Grab that guitar! Grab that guitar!” I shouted. Johnny grabbed the guitar right from a player's hand and pushed the drummer away and sat down. We laughed and banged at the instruments.  It didn't take long before the owner of the club threw us out.

I remember brief glimpses. We were riding on my mom’s old scooter...I didn’t want any hassle from Mr. Brad... As we hit the road, no matter how fast I went, it was way too slow for us.

“I have to piss. Hey, watch me!” Johnny shouted and tried to stand by holding on to my shoulder.

“What are you doing? You'll get us killed! Sit your monkey ass down!” I shouted at him, trying to balance the scooter.

Johnny unzipped his pants and started to pee on a car passing by. Then he stretchws out his arms.

“Hey, look, I'm like the Titanic! Titanic!” He yelled to the city.

Now we all know what happened to the Titanic, and it didn't take long before we had a similar fate.

The next thing I saw were stars as we lay on the ground.

“Johnny, are we dead?”

“I don’t think we're that lucky.”

As we slowly got up, I saw a couple of concerned people staring at us. I lifted the hood of my sweatshirt to hide my face and tried to walk normally as if I wasn't drunk. My mom's scooter was in bad condition. It looked like it was begging us to call it a night. I felt little pain in my arm... Yes, it was bleeding. And if that wasn’t enough, I heard the siren of a police car and then two cops walked towards us.

“No, no, I'm okay, we're fine. It was just a minor accident.”

“Have you been drinking, miss?”

“No, officer. No. Why would you think that?” I tried to maintain my posture without shaking and swaying.

“I'm sorry, miss, but I think you are. What is he doing?”

Johnny was sitting back on my mom's scooter. Suddenly, he shouted.

“Come on! Quick, get on! We have to run!”

I ran over and sat behind him. We tried to start the engine and move forward, but it didn’t move an inch. The cops just stood there calmly watching us. We tried harder and harder to start the engine and go. Then we realized that the scooter had only one tire.

“Oh, fuck. Run!” Johnny threw the scooter towards the police, grabbed my hand, and then started to run as if our lives depended on it.

Until then, the policeman had remained calm, but as soon as they saw us running, they started to chase after us.

“Catch us if you can, morons!” We shouted mocking loudly. Two fat cops behind us already looked out of breathe. We looked at each other and then back at our pursuers. They were lagging behind us.

Yes, we can out run them. Yes, we can do it
.

I was so sure that we could out run them, but then I heard a loud, metallic rumble. I looked down. Johnny was on the ground. He was so busy looking back at our pursuers that he hadn't seen a metal pole.

Naturally, the cops were frustrated and they showed us no mercy. Drunk driving, breaking traffic laws, not cooperating, mocking the officers in charge...It was a cocktail of bad things to do when you have a bad day.

The police station was quiet, since most of the officers were still sleeping. I fuzzily remember the cold steel bars between us. We didn’t sleep that night, but we talked and stared at each other from our cells.

“Don’t worry. It’s not that big of a deal. We'll get out soon, especially you.” Johnny tried to console me.

“No, I shouldn’t have drank that much, Johnny. I'm scared." I felt sick with shame.

What was I thinking?

"It’s my parent’s reputation at stake! And then there's the media! Oh god...” I sighed deeply.               There was silence for a few minutes.

“You know, Johnny, I always felt that the profit was more important than me to my parents. But fuck, they were my parents. And I miss them so damn much...” A tear slid down my cheek as I leaned against the bars between our two cells. I closed my eyes.

Then I felt a finger on my cheek, wiping away the tear. I opened my eyes. Johnny was staring at me in the dim light of the cell.

“She cries for whole night, not knowing the value of the tears falling from her eyes.” 

Before I could contain myself, I started to sob.

“I just miss them so much. Why did they have to go? I'm not ready for all this... I'm too young to handle all this... I'm just ... I'm just--"

I wish my dad was here to hug me.
I rested my head against the cold bars.

Johnny remained silent for a while. “People say that when you're drunk, even the ugliest girl seems to be beautiful. Now I know it's true. Just look at you. You're beautiful all the time, but you're even beautiful when you're crying.”

I wiped my eyes and gave him a weak smile. Johnny kept gazing at me. And suddenly, I knew what that gaze meant. I had seen it over a thousand times in movies.

Johnny and I moved closer together, close enough that we could feel our warmth breath touching each other’s faces. Before I blacked out, I remember reaching to meet each other, but barely grazing through the bars.  Even that little tickle of his lips shook my entire body.

But that kiss was not enough. We wanted to destroy each other with our passion. Like two caged birds trying to break the bars in between them, we reached out towards each other. That was the real me, and that was the real Johnny. We weren't hiding anymore. The sparks lit the whole cell that night.