Never Meant to Be (7 page)

But we weren't able to carry away the ashes.

The thumping sound of bars and a bright light piercing through my eyelids woke me up.               “You're free to go.”

That was the first thing I heard. I got up and looked around, and then I remembered what had happened the night before. Johnny was still sleeping, and I couldn't help but smile at him. He looked much more innocent in his sleep.

I stood up and my head felt dizzy. But what I didn’t expect was a kiss.

“It’s so good to see you, baby. But don’t you think that was a little too rough? You should be careful. The reputation of the whole company rests upon your shoulders.” Aadish said politely and gave me some space.

And now, let me apologize. I apologize, diary, for not telling you everything. All I have been doing is telling you about me and Johnny. I guess it's because it was all I could think about. And Aadish is little complicated to explain, since he's something that I had still been trying to figure out since my parents' deaths.

Aadish and I had been together in school and college until I decided that I couldn’t  take it anymore. I dropped out to study art. We were sort of dating at that time, for lack of a better way to describe it. His father was also a businessman and a politician. He was ideal for my parents, because he was their idea of a perfect man for me. They thought we were in love, and since he and his parents didn’t like Katherine, either, they were even better.

So (and hear me out here),after they died and their lawyers shared their will, I learned of a  clever clause that I could take over, but only if I married Aadish. Basically, they didn’t trusted me or my artistic instinct. My own parents. I know I hadn't grown up like they had wanted me to. I wanted to discover the other things. But it hurt to learn that my own parents didn't trust me. Once again, the business was much more important to them than their daughter.

Since then, Aadish and I had maintained a weird relationship. He gave me my space partly out of respect, but partly because he always liked the irrational side of me, the side that developed during my childhood time with Johnny. Aadish was a nice guy. He wasn't bad. But he wasn't...Well, he wasn't Johnny.

We got in the car and drove back home. My uncle was furious.

“What are you, sixteen? You are not a child anymore, Esther! The whole company is watching  you, and there you were, drinking and partying like a teenage girl...risking your life, your parents' name, everything! It’s all over the news, do you know that?”

“Seriously?” I wasn’t expecting that.

“Yeah, they wrote quite an interesting article on you. On me, as well. Being a politician isn't easy now-a-days” Aadish looked exhausted and defeated. I felt terrible.

He showed me the front page.

“Oh, shit. Oh, I'm sorry...Did it hurt your campaign?” I asked him, concerned.

“No, it’s okay. It’s nothing new. They write about me every day, you know. They despise young politicians. It’s
you
that I'm worried about. You're new to all this. Just be careful, Esther." He folded up the paper. "And by the way, who is that mystery boy they mentioned in the paper?”

How could I describe Johnny to my...well, my fiancé?

“Just some guy I know,” I managed to say mildly.

But should I have told Jonny about Aadish?
I knew I should have told him, but Aadish and I had never exchanged rings or anything else. It was an invisible relationship to me, far outshined by Johnny. 

“Some guy you know? That’s interesting,” Aadish repeated uncomfortably.  It was an obvious reaction. After all, his fiancée had been drinking and driving rashly with some stranger. Aadish went quite, and my uncle continued shouting at me until I was able to escape to my room.

“Are you okay?” Aadish asked me as he took me to my room.

“Yeah, I'm fine.” I managed to smile, but I could feel something was wrong inside of me. Something was very wrong, and it was burning. I stared at Aadish, who stroked my hair gently.

“You know, anyone who isn't used to drinking should never overdo it in one night. You got lucky. Here, drink some water.”

I drank in silence. Suddenly, Aadish moved closer to me.

“I miss you.” He kissed me again. It had been a while since he had kissed me. I felt nothing. It was just lips on lips, like tasteless food. There were no goosebumps, no ice cold chills running down my spine. It was then that I realized that Johnny had the opposite effect on me without even touching me.

“I'm feeling a little dizzy. I think I'm going to rest now.” I just wanted him to go so I could be alone and think.

He left the room, and my eternal war. I watched him enter his car from my balcony. The leaves were falling and the trees were half naked.

I thought for some time before falling asleep. They say that a secret is like poison: The more you hide it, the more it kills you. I guess it's true.

***

The next day I was sitting in a business conference while drawing circles in my notebook. The presenter was talking about how much we had grown and what our future plans were.

“If I can move your attention to the graph, you'll notice that..."

I couldn't focus.

There was a fire burning inside me. I didn’t want to acknowledge the cause, but it was there. I felt uneasy and restless, especially when I thought about Aadish.

Should I tell Johnny? What if I tell him and everything changes between us? No, I can't... But why am I so scared? Isn't that the logical thing to do? Why am so reluctant to tell him? Am I an--

"--idiot?"

Without knowing it, that last word snuck out of my mouth.

Everybody looked at me, even the presenter. The second I realized I had said it out loud, I smiled weakly and blushingly said “continue.”

Shit, what is happening to me
? No matter how much I tried not to admit it, I was very eager to see Johnny.

I couldn’t sleep that night, mostly because I was thinking so much because Johnny had told me that he would visit at two-thirty in the morning because he wanted me to show something. Mr. Brad made a few phone calls on my behalf, and Johnny had gotten out of jail just about an hour after me. I set my alarm for two-thirty, but I guess it was unnecessary, because I never fell asleep that night.

It was two-fifty. I was standing on my balcony, waiting. Mr. Brad had told me not to do anything that would compromise my security, but there I was, standing there, waiting for trouble. I saw him coming on a bicycle. I waved by hand and signaled to him that everybody was asleep.  

He threw me a rope and I tied it tightly to my balcony rail. I slide down, jumping off the wooden bars.

“Ready for your abduction?” Johnny winked at me. My heart pounded.

“We can share the profits,” I joked, and hopped onto the bicycle.

"Can I steer it?”

"No."

“Fuck you.” He was getting to be a bad influence on my vocabulary.

To be honest, it had been years since I had ridden a bicycle. I never had the need to. I had only traveled in luxurious cars.

“Okay, I'll teach you how to ride again, but first let’s get out of here before your uncle wakes up.” I climbed between him and the handlebars, feeling like a child again.

We rode through the city, a city that never slept. But that morning, it was drowsy. The big banners and LED screens shone brightly with continuous ads but all the shops were closed. We could even ride our bicycle in the middle of the road because there was no traffic, no rush. Just smooth driving and the dreaming city.

“I like the city this way. There's no hurry, no rush. There's enough space for you to breathe. Since there are less people, you can walk wherever you want. No one will push you, spit on you or throw you in the gutter.” Johnny said in my ear.

I was sitting right between his arms. The breeze blew through my hair and upturned all the leaves and plastic around us. The dawn was coming, tearing through the tall buildings, fighting with the artificial light. Only a few faint stars still shone in the sky, and colors were replacing the grey. 

We sat down on a bench facing the city. We sat their quietly, mesmerized by the silent beauty. It was the first time I had seen the city like that. I didn’t think it could hold so much silence. There were no loud voices, only the dim light of the sun beginning to shine through.

“Living the horrible life in the streets, drowning myself in drugs just to forget the darkness I slept in...You know, seeing the horizon and sun coming behind those tall buildings gives me hope, the same hope I get when I see you." Johnny turned to me. "The light is so mild, not harsh or burning, but it still pierces through my heart. My soul.”

I listened to every word he said. We sat there and witnessed the birth of a new sun. Slowly, the whole city and our skin became painted in orange and yellow sunlight. We stood there in silence for a few minutes before he spoke again.

“Would you like to go dinner with me some time?"

I couldn't believe what I was hearing. He continued.

"I've started working a bit as a mechanic. I'm pretty good; I could be an engineer. Car problems, break-ins... I can do that.”  

Maybe he wanted to impress me, to show me that he wasn't just some street thug, but something more.

What could I say to him?
I took a deep breath.

"Hmm...I don't think so," I said playfully just to tease him.

He looked away and signed disappointedly. He must have been confident that I was going to say yes. I could almost hear him cursing himself.

I broke the silence.

“I'll only come if it's a date.”

Johnny turned and looked at me, surprised.

“A date? like..."

“Just friends. Don’t fancy yourself a charmer, okay?”

Ok, maybe that was a little too much. What had gotten into me?

I couldn't deny that no matter how high my heart leapt, though, I was surrounded by conspiracy and he was surrounded trouble. Bad combination. 

“Or maybe you're not that lucky. Why would I waste my charm on you?”

“Fuck you.” Once again, being with Johnny made me feel like we were children again. It was liberating.

“Fuck
you.
” He replied. “Let’s shout.”

“What?”

“The whole city is sleeping. Let’s wake it up.”

He stood up, grabbed my hand, and made me stand on the metal railing. Then he started to shout at the top of his lungs. He shouted nonsense into the city. His face glowed in the early sun but his eyes still hid beneath the shade of his flat hat.

I also joined him and started shouting. We let out all our frustration and shouted until the entire city could hear our yells.

***

“I need a small favor from you,” I asked Mr. Brad, a little hesitant about what he would say.               “Yes, ma’am. What can I do for you?”

“It’s...Well, you have to be a little secretive. I need you to cover for me tonight. I know I have some meetings and I'm already behind with all the data, so it would be wiser for you to go instead of me. Please? I beg you.”

“Ma’am, please. You don’t have to beg me.”

“I know, but I also want you to say that I'm in the meeting if anybody calls. Anybody like....Aadish.” Mr. Brad raised his eyebrow. He sighed.

“Okay, ma’am, anything for you. Are you going out with that boy?”

How did he know?

“Ma’am, be careful. You are..."

He looked like he wanted to say something, but he stopped.

“How do I look?” I ask him excitedly.

“Perfect.”

“Okay, I owe you.”

I was so excited that I practically ran through the glass doors while removing my high heels  and scaring the other employees who were walking through the hallway.

“Ma’am, I need you to sign these.” A young woman walked in.

I signed and planted a kiss on her. I was so excited for the night.

I think that was the first time I saw Johnny acting formally. He had even rented a car. I was impatient for something, but I still didn't quite know what.

The ride was okay and we were sitting in the restaurant. He looked at me.

“So,” he said uncomfortably.

“So,” I repeated awkwardly.

“How was your day at the office?” It was a rare treat for me to see him uncomfortable.

“It was nice. Yours?”

“I went to a few places for more jobs.”

“That's great, Johnny. It's great to see you trying.”

We smiled awkwardly at each other. Then I looked past him, and I noticed someone sitting across the restaurant was waving at me and smiling. At first, I wondered if it was to me or if it was to someone else behind me, but he was looking right at me. I focused my vision properly. Then I recognized that smile and that face.

Is that...No, it can't be...What the hell is he doing here?