Never Meant to Be (11 page)

It was lunch time. All the workers had gathered to have a meal and Edi and I sat down to talk.

“She's different, man. She's someone else. One moment, she's so childish and we are doing something crazy, and the next, she's scolding me for too much smoking. She's like my mother, a friend, and lover...everything. I love her man, but..." I paused.

Edi stared at me.

“But what, man?”

“I don’t know. I'm getting this nasty feeling that she's cooking something up behind my back. I mean, she vanished for whole day and when she came back she said that her uncle was sick so she had to leave. She should have left me a note, but she didn’t. And since that day, everything has changed. She seems so distracted. God knows if I find out that she's betraying me...I don’t know what I'll do, man. Either I'll kill her or myself. And I already have enough reason to kill her.”

“You're talking like a sick man.” Edi said, wide-eyed.

Just then, we heard a scream. The entire work force ran towards the window. We followed. 

Maria's corpse was lying in the ground. Blood was slowly flowing from it. By the looks of it, she had committed suicide by throwing herself out of the manager's window.

We all looked up and saw the manager tucking his shirt inside his pants quickly and trying to zip up his fly. 

“The bastard! And they say we're the perverts?” Edi remarked bitterly as I stared up at the manager and the smirk on his face.

There was not even a hint of guilt. Somebody had to teach him a lesson.

I returned home that day and I couldn't forget the image of Maria lying on the ground and looking up me as if she were saying something. I was so lost in my thoughts that I forgot to pick up some flowers for Esther.

But it didn’t matter, because she wasn't there. The house was empty.

Maybe she went to see her uncle. Maybe she's buying groceries. Maybe...

But this was becoming quite regular, and I didn’t know if I could take it anymore.

I told you
, the voice in my head said,
she carries the same blood as that filthy man
.
You should have dealt with her a long time ago
.

But how could I even think that?

No, no. She's different. She loves me...doesn't she?
             

The more time passed, the more my thoughts became darker and darker. Then around 10:30 I saw a light in the distance. It turned away and vanished back into the road. I saw Esther coming, walking quickly as if she were afraid of getting caught.

“I'm sorry, I'm so sorry Johnny...My uncle’s health has declined again.” Esther said and hugged me, but I knew she was lying.              

I didn’t say anything.

God, please tell me she isn't betraying me. Please. I don’t know what I'll do.

Then the image of her father came into my mind.

But it’s your fault. I told you, she has the same blood running through her veins. She carries the same dirty genes. Please, Esther, I hope you're not doing what I think you're doing.

I prayed that everything was okay. We had dinner together and made love silently, but I couldn’t sleep that night.

The room was filled with darkness. Esther's gorgeous body was lying in bed, lost in dreams, and there I was, sitting at the table, holding a knife, and looking at her.

Should I tell her? No, I can’t tell her. Look at how perfect she is. But what if she leaves me? She's already leaving you, you moron. You saw her travelling in a car with Aadish and you still think she loves you. She has the same disgusting gene in her body, the same arrogant, rich blood. She's not worth it. You couldn't kill him, but you can surely hurt his daughter. No one would know...

What was I even thinking?

I looked at Esther sleeping soundly. I slowly moved towards her. The voices in my head screamed.

T
ake your revenge, Johnny! It’s her. She's his daughter. Make her suffer, because eventually she'll leave you...

I thought back to myself sleeping beside the road, drowning in drugs and alcohol to escape from reality. And then there was a woman who loved me very much. I had finally found a home, and I was afraid to go back to that solitude.              

The knife was still in my hand as I stared at her. I saw a glimpse of the little girl in her holding my hand and running with me when I was a kid. I lay back down beside her, kissed her bare back, and rested my head upon it, and kept the knife in my hand.

I kept it just in case she decided to leave me.

Esther’s Dairy

Strange things were happening everywhere--in the office and at home.

No matter how much I tried, I was late again and Johnny was always waiting for me. He had become quiet, as if there were too many thoughts running through his mind. We ate dinner and made love emptily. I felt the spark was lost somewhere. I could still see the fire, but the love was darker.

I couldn’t sleep, but I pretended to be asleep to avoid Johnny's questions before I could fix the problem permanently. One night, I slowly peeked at him. He was sitting in a chair at the table with a knife in his hand, intensely staring at it. I had no idea what he was thinking, but I had a scary feeling that he was thinking about me. I was afraid.

Then, after a few minutes, he walked towards me and my heartbeat started to pound furiously.

Is he going to hurt me, or is he going to hurt himself?

The more close he came, the more frightened I became, not knowing his intentions. Then he laid down next to me, but the knife was still in his hand. I felt the cold blade against my back as he fell asleep. I can’t describe what I felt.

What is happening to him? What is happening to us?

***

Today all hell broke loose. I had been finding little pouches of drugs that Johnny had been sniffing everywhere. I felt bad because he had told me that he wouldn't do it anymore. But what was more concerning was that he didn't go to work that day.  Rather, he was staring at my every move at home. I was already nervous because Aadish was coming to pick me up. We had to make a public appearance together for a charity event. And Johnny was still home.

“Aren't you running late?” I asked Johnny, who was watching me get ready.

“Yeah, I'll go in a minute...Where are you going?”

I heard suspicion in his voice. I knew that suspicion was going to change into anger because Aadish was coming to pick me up. After all, I had promised him that I would help him on his campaign. To the outside world, we were still together, and Johnny wasn’t the type of man who watches the news. I wasn't betraying him; he was just too possessive. He was like a kid who got annoyed when someone even looked at his toys. That’s why I had to keep him out of it; it was only a matter of a few weeks, and then it would all be over. Or at least that’s what I thought.  

“Just downtown. And I'll also visit my uncle,” I responded.

“Why are you putting on so much makeup?” He sounded irritated.

“Makeup? You know me, Johnny. I don’t like to put on heavy makeup. It’s just a touch-up to look presentable.”

“Presentable for who??”

“For nobody.”

I quickly started to pack my stuff. I had to leave before Aadish got there and everything got out of control.

“You're showing yourself off, aren’t you? You are showing off because I'm not good enough for you.”

“What? No. Why would you think that?”

“I ... I saw your photo in a magazine, Esther. Why were you posing in such an inappropriate way? Is it for Aadish? And what are you doing behind my back?” His voice rose and he threw a cup to the floor.

There was silence for a long moment. I was shocked.

“I know what you're doing and I don’t like it. Why do you have to be so beautiful--!” Johnny didn’t even finish his sentence and a car honked from outside. To make matters worse, Aadish shouted up.

“Are you ready, or do I have to come up to get you?”

Under normal circumstances, it would have been a joke. But for the situation we were in, it was a poor choice of words.

“I knew it. I knew it.” Johnny's eyes filled with rage and he raised his voice.

“Johnny, it’s not what you think. Yes, I've been going to the office when you go to work because--understand this, Johnny--I have other responsibilities as well. My parent’s legacy...their dream...and people who look at me for leadership. But that doesn’t mean I'm not yours. It’s just that I know you. I know you're a little childish and possessive, but it’s not your fault. I understand that it’s the first time you're experiencing love. But you have to understand, I have other responsibilities, as well.” I tried to explain.

“Yeah, and that includes sleeping with him, right? He still wants to marry you, right? And now you regret me because I'm not worthy and he has a silver spoon up his ass!" He yelled.

"Tell me if you're so ashamed of me. Tell me to my face. Tell me you miss all those expensive restaurants and cars and that you pity me because I can’t provide that, huh?!”

“That's disgusting! I'm never ashamed of you, never! And am I sleeping with him? Sleeping with him?! Is that how much trust you have in me? You think I'm some kind of slut who just toys around with the emotions of men? Tell me, is that how much you love me?” I yelled back, hurt.

“I love you. I love you very much, but you keep lying and you're just too...I...." He sighed.                "Why do you have to be so beautiful? Why?

He walked over to me and tried to mess up my hair.

“Johnny, what the hell are you doing?” I pushed him away.

“I don’t want you to look beautiful.” He tried to mess my hair up again.

“Johnny, are you crazy?” I pushed him away again. We stared at each other for a while and then I picked up my bag and turned to leave. It was better to leave before thing got even more dirty.

“Where are you going? I said not to look beautiful, damn it! Why? Why are you so beautiful?” He grabbed me, and the next thing I knew, there was a knife against my cheek.

“Why? Why, Esther? Why do you do this? You're leaving me, right?” There was so much desperation in his eyes.

“Johnny, why you are acting like this. What have I done?!" My voice trembled. "We won’t be able to live together like this. Johnny, you're hurting me!”

It was like a truck had hit me. He pushed the knife closer.

“No, you're hurting me! Stop it, Johnny! You're hurting me--"

"And you're sleeping with Aadish! Don’t you dare try to leave me! Don’t you dare! Please don’t leave me,” his voice became desperate.

To make matters worse, Aadish stormed in, having heard our shouts. He entered and the first thing he saw was Johnny holding a knife to my cheek so tightly that there was a slight cut and it was bleeding.

Aadish pushed him away, trying to save me.

“You motherfucker! You're trying to steal her from me!” Johnny shouted and came at Aadish with the knife. The situation was becoming dangerous.

Johnny lunged towards Aadish, but before things could get out of hand I had to do something.

I smashed two plates on the floor.

“Both of you, stop!” Both men starred at me. I stared back at them.

“Look what we've become, Johnny! Look," my eyes filled with tears. "We're not those adventurous kids on the streets anymore. We have to grow up now, Johnny. I guess this isn't for us. We can’t stay together like this. I can’t.”

Johnny remained silent.

I left, with Aadish following me. We sat silently in the car for a few minutes before he started the engine. Just then, Johnny knocked on the window. It was up, so I could barely hear him, but I thought I could hear him begging me to stay.

“I'm sorry, Esther. Don’t leave me. I'm sorry, I won't do it again. Please don’t leave.” He was almost crying, but the car was in motion. We started to drive away.

In the rear mirror, I could see that he was following and running behind the car. He chased after me, stumbling and limping. I wanted to stop the car, go back, and hug him, but I was so afraid to go back after seeing what my love had made of him.

Love is a fire without flames

Burning live bodies

No ashes remain

For which is more painful:

Losing your love

or courage to love again?

So I fear love

I fear love again.

***

After more than two year of friendship with Johnny, my grades were dropping and I had regular complaints from teachers. I was twelve when my parents forcefully transferred me from that place. I became even more wild and violent when I found out, never wanting to transform into the perfect lady that would need to run a corporation after them.  

“What are you looking at, Johnny?” I asked him.

We were two punks sitting on a bench on top of the hill where the whole city could be seen, holding an ice cream cone in each hand, looking at the sun and towards the horizon.