Never Say Goodbye (55 page)

‘If you’re saying that because you’re still tired, I won’t come,’ Bel replied.

‘I am, a bit,’ Josie admitted. She always was, no matter how hard she tried not to be. ‘She hasn’t emailed back,’ she stated flatly. ‘I thought she would have by now. I wonder if my message got spammed.’

‘It might have,’ Bel conceded, ‘but what you’re asking of her isn’t easy, and to be honest, I really don’t think it’s going to be what Jeff wants.’

‘It’d be better than having to live on his own,’ Josie pointed out, ‘and they were in love back then. For all I know they still are, so I just want them to know that I forgive them and they can have my blessing if they want to be together. I told her that in the email.’ She was starting to cry; it was hard thinking of Jeff growing old with somebody else, when she wanted to be that person.

‘Oh, Josie,’ Bel said soothingly, ‘I know you mean well, but you can’t organise their lives for them. Talia tried with me and Nick, and it got us into a terrible muddle. You just have to let them find one another, if it’s what they want, and as I said just now, I don’t think Jeff will want it at all.’

Josie didn’t know what to say.

‘During the show,’ Bel continued, ‘before you collapsed, he completely broke down. Not in front of anyone, he took himself out of the room, but I followed. He really loves you, Josie. Whatever happened with Dawnie . . . Call it a mistake, an aberration if you like, but there’s no doubt in my mind that you’re the one he loves – always has, and always will.’

Josie’s tears were coming so fast now she couldn’t speak. She had to try and pull herself together before Lily came back, but she just didn’t know how.

‘Are you still there?’ Bel asked softly.

‘Ye-es,’ Josie sobbed. ‘He’s a daft old sod, isn’t he, but I love him so much and I can’t bear to think of him on his own.’

‘The only advice I can give you is to try to pull your thoughts back from that, and stay in the present. I know I keep saying it, but the value of today is so much greater than the value of a tomorrow you can only imagine, so it doesn’t have any actual truth.’

‘I know you’re right,’ Josie sniffed, ‘it’s just that sometimes it comes over me in a way I can’t do anything about. I’ll be all right in a minute. Lily’ll be back and we can watch the video together. Kristina did a lovely job, didn’t she? She ought to be a professional.’

‘I’ll tell her that.’

Josie tried to think of something else to say, but she was afraid if she opened her mouth she’d just sob.

‘Will you call me if you need to talk?’ Bel asked gently. ‘You know I’ll come over any time, or we can chat on the phone.’

Hardly able to get the words out, Josie said, ‘You have to stop being kind to me.’

With a smile in her voice, Bel replied, ‘They say what goes around comes around, so with all the kindness you dish out, I’m afraid you have to expect some back.’

‘Then you have to be in for a good helping of it too,’ Josie insisted. ‘Here’s our Lily coming in now, so I’ll let you go. Thanks for taking care of Jeff. You’re a good person, Bel Monkton. My very own angel.’

Lily was no sooner in the door than she was at Josie’s side, wanting to know why she was crying.

‘Oh, it’s you lot, on the video,’ Josie told her, waving a hand at the computer, ‘when I saw how you were all blubbing, it got me going too.’

Hugging her, Lily said, ‘So you’ve seen it. Isn’t it fantastic? You were so brilliant. I’m dead proud of you.’

‘I have to admit, I feel quite proud of myself.’ Josie was thinking it was something Lily would be able to show her children one day, but it probably wasn’t a good idea to say so. ‘Where’s Dad?’ she asked, going to help put the shopping away.

‘I’m not all that sure,’ Lily replied. ‘He got a call from someone and said he had to go out, so maybe he’s gone to work.’

Thinking of him breaking down at the show brought more tears flooding back to Josie’s eyes. It seemed she couldn’t stop today, so maybe it would be best if she let Lily carry on down here while she went to tuck herself up in bed.

BEL HAD JUST
arrived home after a long, rainy morning at the barn when Lily called her mobile to ask if they could meet.

‘I thought you were going to the hospital with Mum,’ Bel replied, shrugging off her dripping raincoat.

‘That’s where I am,’ Lily told her, ‘but Dad’s here too, so I thought, if I got the bus to yours . . . There’s something I need to ask you.’

‘Of course. I’m planning to be here all afternoon, so come when you like.’ After ringing off, she immediately clicked on again to take a call from Kristina.

‘Are you still at the barn?’ Kristina asked.

‘Just got home. It’s a quagmire out there today, and not a lot’s happening.’

‘But the good news is,’ Kristina announced, ‘they’re delivering the trailer tomorrow, so we’ll have an office.’

‘Fantastic,’ Bel exclaimed in relief. Since Kristina had joined the project on a part-time basis, she’d found herself way more organised. She was even considering taking on another, smaller barn, over on Exmoor, now she had someone besides the builder to bounce ideas off.

Perhaps Kristina was her and Nick’s angel; she just hadn’t wanted to see her that way.

By the time they’d finished discussing various other matters concerning roof lights, gable ends and the square metreage of an oak floor, she’d made herself a bowl of soup and was just sitting down to enjoy it when the gardener turned up. With autumn now well under way there was plenty she needed to discuss with him, so abandoning her lunch she grabbed a dry coat and went outside to give instructions.

She was still there when Lily arrived, looking cold and worried and, Bel thought, very, very young.

‘Come on, let’s go in,’ she urged, leading the way. ‘It’s a miserable day, isn’t it?’

‘You’re telling me.’ Lily shivered, drawing her jacket more tightly around her. ‘Thanks for letting me come over.’

‘Would you like some soup?’ Bel offered, ushering her through to the kitchen. ‘It won’t take a moment to heat.’

‘No, I’m fine thanks,’ Lily assured her. ‘I had something earlier.’

Deciding to save hers for later, Bel emptied the bowl back into the saucepan and put the kettle on. ‘How’s it going at the hospital?’ she asked.

Josie shrugged. ‘They were still waiting to go in when I left, but Mum seemed OK. You know what she’s like, she’ll always tell you she’s fine, even when she’s not, but she hasn’t been too bad these last few days.’

‘She’s sounded quite up when we’ve spoken on the phone,’ Bel agreed. ‘She’s amazing, the way she’s coping with it all.’

Lily nodded, but her expression was glum, reminding Bel of how down she used to get when Talia was having a good spell. It was the only time she could allow her energy to wane. ‘So what would you like to talk about?’ she asked, waving Lily to a chair.

As she sat down at the table, Lily said, ‘I’ve discussed it with Jasper, and we decided you were the best person to ask.’

Intrigued, Bel went to sit with her. This surely couldn’t be about Josie’s funeral arrangements, it was far too soon for that – unless Josie had come up with some wacky idea that had her family worried. Bel wouldn’t put it past her: after all, the attempt to contact Dawnie Hopkins had been pretty out there, and she was afraid Josie might not have given up on that yet.

‘The thing is,’ Lily said, twisting her fingers, ‘well . . . I’m going to have a baby.’

Though Bel broke into a smile, she understood right away why Lily wasn’t looking thrilled. ‘That’s wonderful news,’ she said softly. ‘Congratulations.’

‘Thanks,’ Lily whispered. ‘We’re really pleased, even though we didn’t plan on it happening so soon. The trouble is, we can’t decide whether or not to tell Mum. It’ll be horrible for her, having to deal with the fact that she might never see the baby, and so I was wondering . . . Well, do you think it might be easier for her if she didn’t know anything about it?’

Bel inhaled deeply. ‘How far along are you?’ she asked carefully.

‘Only a month. So there’s ages to go yet, and if she . . . If she doesn’t make it . . .’

‘Oh, Lily,’ Bel murmured, going to hug her as she started to sob.

‘It’s so awful,’ Lily wept. ‘I love her so much and I can’t bear to think of being without her.’

‘I know,’ Bel murmured, hardly able to think about it herself.

‘It’s going to be terrible for Dad. He’ll be so lonely, and when Ryan comes out . . . He’s always been lost without Mum and he might not even see her properly before she goes. Oh God, I’m sorry,’ Lily choked, ‘I promised myself I wouldn’t break down . . .’

‘Ssh,’ Bel soothed, stroking her hair. ‘You cry as much as you need to. It’s a very difficult thing you’re going through, probably one of the worst you’ll ever face.’

As more tears streamed down her cheeks, Lily wailed, ‘She’d be the world’s best granny, just like she’s the world’s best mum. It’s so unfair, Bel. Why is it happening? It’s just not right.’

‘No, it isn’t,’ Bel agreed, ‘she’s too young, and so are you. I don’t know why it has to be like this, I wish I did, perhaps then we could make some sense of it.’

Trying to catch her breath, Lily said, ‘Do you reckon, if we went to church, it would help?’

‘You could definitely try,’ Bel replied. ‘A lot of people find a great deal of comfort in turning to God.’

Lily nodded. ‘I think Ryan will. He says his prayers all the time about Mum.’ Her eyes turned desperate. ‘It doesn’t seem to be doing any good, does it?’

How could Bel tell her otherwise? ‘Maybe things happen on a level we don’t understand,’ she ventured.

Lily nodded, seeming to want to believe that. ‘Did you turn to God when it was happening to your sister?’ she asked.

Bel sighed. ‘Not really. I tried for a while, so did Nick and Talia herself, but we’d none of us grown up as believers, so we never really got much from it. That isn’t to say you wouldn’t, because there’s every chance you would.’

Lily shook her head. ‘We only got married in church because we thought it was what our parents would want,’ she said. ‘Maybe that’s wrong. I suppose it is, really.’

‘I like to think, if there is a God, that he’d be willing to forgive our lack of understanding, considering how little evidence of himself he’s given us to go on.’

Lily smiled distantly. ‘Ryan, or Chaplain Paul, would say that he shows himself all the time, if we just cared to look. Like in nature, or near misses, or people we meet. I’ve been reading about miracles online, and they do seem to happen.’

Not doubting that for a minute, Bel said, ‘We just have to hope that God, or fate or whatever, decides to perform one for Mum.’

Lily was looking thoughtful. ‘If we believe passionately enough that she’ll get better, maybe we could make it happen for her?’ she suggested.

Knowing how difficult that was in the face of medical science, Bel said, ‘There’s certainly no harm in trying.’

‘She has to believe it too. And Dad. Maybe knowing about the baby will make her fight so hard that she’ll turn things around for herself?’

Bel smiled. ‘In which case, you’ll need to tell her.’

Lily smiled too. ‘I will,’ she declared, glancing over her shoulder as someone knocked on the front door.

‘Wait there,’ Bel said, ‘it’s probably the gardener about to leave.’

To her surprise, it turned out to be Josie and Jeff, and the brightness of Josie’s smile, contrasting so starkly with the shell-shocked look on Jeff’s face, made Bel’s heart turn over.

‘Is our Lily here?’ Josie asked. ‘She said she was coming.’

Bel nodded and gestured for them to go through. ‘What is it?’ she asked as Josie hung back.

‘Liver and lungs,’ Josie told her matter-of-factly. ‘Not much they can do now. A few weeks, they reckon, and it’ll all be over.’

‘Oh my God,’ Bel gasped, pressing a hand to her mouth.

‘There, there,’ Josie said, giving her arm a pat. ‘It’ll be all right. At least it won’t be happening right on Christmas. It’d spoil it for everyone if it did.’

‘Oh, Josie,’ Bel choked, unable to imagine any time of year feeling right without her.

Hearing Lily cry, ‘
No! Mum!’
Josie blanched as she said, ‘Jeff’s told her,’ and opening her arms as Lily ran into the hall she caught her hard.

‘There, there,’ Josie murmured, rubbing her back.

‘No, Mum, no, no, no,’ Lily sobbed. ‘You can’t let them be right, you just can’t.’

Holding her tighter, Josie turned her own teary eyes to Bel. ‘Sorry about loading all this on you,’ she apologised.

‘Oh Josie, please don’t say that,’ Bel urged.

Josie smiled, but Bel could see the fathomless depths of her sadness. ‘We ought not to leave Jeff on his own,’ she said.

Leading the way through, Bel found Jeff standing at the window staring out at the bleak afternoon sky. She wished she had some words to offer that might make a difference, but knew that none existed. Hope was turning to dust, dreams were fading to nothing.

If only Talia could offer some comfort now, some sort of reassurance that Josie would be fine on the other side and no one was to worry.

‘I’m going to tell her,’ Lily whispered to Bel. ‘I think I have to.’

Bel nodded in agreement. If anything could make Josie fight, this would be it.

Josie was regarding them curiously. ‘Tell me what?’ she asked.

Turning to her, Lily took her hands as she said, ‘I’m going to have a baby.’

Josie’s face lit up. ‘Well there’s a lovely piece of news,’ she declared, as if this was all it would take to make everything else go away. ‘Just what we need to cheer us up. Jeff, did you hear that? We’re going to be grandparents, my love.’

Though Jeff nodded, he kept his back turned.

Going to him, Lily put an arm round his shoulders and rested her head against his.

‘He’ll be a very good granddad,’ Josie told Bel.

And you,
Bel was thinking,
would be the world’s best granny.

As though reading her mind, Josie twinkled. ‘Come on, let’s get that kettle on,’ she said. ‘We’ve got some celebrating to do,’ and before Bel could make a move she headed off for the teapot.

A week later Josie was sitting in her chair at home, glad to be alone for five minutes, though keen for Jeff to come back. She wasn’t sure where he’d gone. He’d probably said on his way out and she’d forgotten or hadn’t heard – it was hard to know when her brain might not be acting properly. Not that she was aware of any glitches, she felt the same as she always had, but then she might not know if things had changed, and chances were no one wanted to tell her. Although she reckoned the palliative care team would, even if Jeff and Lily wouldn’t.