Never Say Goodbye (24 page)

“But he’s alright?” I ask through shaky breaths.

“Yeah, he’s doing much better, that’s why I’m back at school,” Nathan says looking relieved.

“Why did you keep that from me?” I yell at my mom.

“Sweetie, your father and I were trying to protect you. We already lied to you about Nathan, how could we spring it on you about Nevin? We couldn’t do that to you,” she says through tears.

I’m so mad at my mom
, yet sorry I wasn’t there for Nathan through such a hard time.

“Nathan, I’m so sorry, I would have been there if I’d known,” I say as more tears fall.

He stands and starts pacing the room.

“Mom, can you give us a few minutes please?”
I ask, as I stand up, anger, confusion all racing through my mind.

“Sure sweetie
. I’m sorry to both of you. If I would have known what would have happened, I wouldn’t have kept you two from each other,” my mom says solemnly and walks out of the room.

“Are you alright?” I ask as Nathan continue
s to pace, running his hands through is shaggy blonde hair.

“Hell no
, I’m not alright. Shit, I was a fucking asshole to you and you didn’t even do anything wrong. Fuck,” he curses again, “…shit I’m so sorry for the way I’ve been treating you.”

“You didn’t know either,” I reassure him.

“Doesn’t matter, I still shouldn’t have treated you that way,” he says as he comes up to me and pulls me into a hug.

We stay in our embrace a few seconds longer and then h
ead back into the living room.

Sophie eyes me
nervously; surprised that Nathan and I haven’t beaten the crap out of each other. I give her a shy smile and sit down beside her. Nathan goes over to sit beside Chad.

We all talk for a
while longer and then everyone leaves, allowing me time to talk with my parents.

“Baby girl, I’m sorry we went along with that stupid plan. We thought at the time it was the right thing to do and we were wrong,”
dad says pulling me into a hug.

Today has been a whirlwind of emotions and I’m not sure I can even think straight right now.

Between my best friend’s funeral, Ryan wanting to transfer schools to be with me, finding out Nathan and I were lied to for years, and about Nevin getting cancer, I’m not sure I can take anything else.

I go to my room
and pass out from exhaustion.

Chapter Twenty-One

I spend the rest of the week at home and then head back to college the following Thursday. My parents insisted on driving me back, but I just wanted the peace and quiet of driving by myself. Luckily, they relented.

I ended up going through Brynn’s room with Jill and packing some things up and taking some pictures and
mementos of my best friend.

It was hard and refreshing at the same time. Jill and I talked about good memories of Brynn
, as we looked at the things in her room. Crying was inevitable, but so was laughing and enjoying the great things Brynn brought to our lives.

Her funny charismatic personality is like no one I’ve ever met. I am so thankful to have
had her in my life and that I was able to call her my best friend. She was there for me when I needed somebody the most and for that, I will be forever grateful.

The long drive back to school has allowed me to look at my life and realize what’s important and what’s not.

I think I went through the five stages of grief through the long car ride. I think back to how I felt when in the hospital, when the doctor told me my best friend was never coming back. I didn’t cry right away, the shock set in, and then came the guilt.

I still feel a bit guilty, because if I would have gone with her, she would be here today, loving and living life. Unfortunately, that’s not my reality anymore.

After that, the anger set in. I screamed through tears as I’m driving, yelling how mad I am at her for not calling me to come get her. For trying to walk home in the first place. I’m not mad at her though, I just wish things would have happened differently.

Next
came the depression. I wouldn’t eat, could barely sleep, and didn’t want to do anything with anyone. I’m thankful that Sophie wouldn’t let me continue in that downhill spiral.

Next
came acceptance. This is the step I’m still working on. I know my best friend is gone and there’s nothing I can do about it. Going through her room with her mom is giving me the ability to realize how lucky I am. I have had great people in my life and though Brynn’s gone, she has forever made an imprint on my life.

The closer I get to the sorority house, I can feel myself smile a little and feel happy about it. I know my best friend’s
looking down on me, probably cursing about Nathan, but that’s another issue all its own.

Nathan, how does one even know what to do with that? I guess we are friends now,
although I’m not quite sure.

Walking into the sorority house feels surreal. The girls are all standing around watching me, like I might break or something.

“Hey,” I say as I enter and head towards my room.

“Hey, how was the drive down?” Sophie says from the doorway. At least someone doesn’t think I’m going to break like a piece of glass.

“It was good, I think.”

“Well that’s good,” she says as she plops down on what used to be Brynn’s bed, “So, you and Nathan seem to be alright. Care to share what happened there?” she says smiling.

“We talked, we found out we were lied to as kids, which is why he hated me. Now he knows I never lied to him. I guess we’re okay now,” I say looking unsure.

“You know he wants you right?” she says with a giggle.

“What? Yeah right, he wanted to murder me is more like it,” I tell her to set her straight.

“Oh no,
why do you think Brynn and Megan set up that stupid truth or dare game a few months back? They thought maybe he would open up, but being a dickhead, he didn’t.”

“I remember that night well, and it was actually a great night, until the morning came,” I say, reminiscing about that night.

“He stares at you, like all the time,” she says a little too excitedly.

“I think you’re reading way too much into this. He just started talking to me the other day, things aren’t going to magically change between us,” I sa
y, thinking honestly about it.

Would I want Nathan to want me? Hell yes, he’s gorgeous, well when he’s not being an ass, and I
knew him for years growing up.

“Have you heard from Levi?” Sophie asks changing the subject.

“Nope, not a word,” I say, not surprised.

“Wow, what a douche,” she says as she shakes her head.

“We aren’t dating or anything, it was just sex. He doesn’t need to call.”

“Umm…yes he does. There’s really no reason for him not to call Liv,” she says
, like I don’t know she’s right.

Yes
, I get we are friends with benefits, but we are friends, and he should have called, instead he’s avoided me.

“Honestly, it really doesn’t matter, I don’t care,” I say, telling her truthfully.

“Is that because you have your eye on a certain someone?” she says, as she raises her eyebrows up and down.

I start to laugh, “No, I have no idea what you’re thinking,” I say feigning ignorance.

“Sure you don’t,” she says laughing, then gets all serious, “Have you talked to Chad?”

“Not since the night at my house after the funeral. He didn’t really talk though.”

“I saw him yesterday and he doesn’t look so good,” she says with a sad face.

“I’ll talk to him. I know it’s just as hard for him knowing she’s gone.”

“I think it’s more than that,” she says surprising me.

“What do you mean?”

“He always seems to be in an angry mood; he’s ready to punch anyone who gets in his way, something’s off.”

“I’ll talk to him tomorrow and see what I can do.”

“You don’t have to talk to him, I was just curious if he said anything to you.”

“No, him and I need to have a sit down,” I have a feeling I know how he’s feeling more than I care to admit.

“Okay, well if you need anything let me know,” she says looking around at Brynn’s things.

“What?” I ask, knowing that Sophie wants to say something.

“Do you want me to help you pack her things up?” she says sadly.

“No, that’s okay. Depending on how my conversation with Chad goes, I may ask him if he wants to help. I helped Jill, Brynn’s mom
, go through her bedroom already, and it was kind of refreshing,” I say with a smile.

“That’s good. If you need or want my help, just let me know. We are going to order pizza and watch movies tonight if you want to join.”

“Not tonight, but thanks Soph.” I tell her as she leaves my room.

I lay on my bed staring at the ceiling again. I look around the room and see all Brynn’s things and decide I might as well see Chad now, no sense in waiting.

Within minutes, I’m walking out the door and down the street to his house.

I walk up to the door and decide to knock. Brynn always walked right in, but I feel out of place doing that.

It takes a few moments for someone to answer the door.

“Hey O, come in, what’s up?” Nathan asks.

“Is Chad here?” I ask nervously.

“He is, but you might not want to talk to him today,” he says with a solemn face.

“I need to actually. Can you get him or take me to him?” I ask, sounding a little more confident.

“Yeah, come on,” he says as he starts heading down the hall to Chad’s bedroom.

Nathan knocks on the door, but there’s no response.

“He’s in there, he’s been ignoring everyone lately,” he says looking apologetically.

“It’s alright. I’ll try,” I tell him.

He shakes his head and then walks down the hall.

I knock a little harder, but still no response. I try the door knob and it turns. I’m hoping like hell that Chad’s not naked, because that’s not a sight I want to see.

“Chad?” I whisper, though I’m not sure why.

“Leave me alone,” he says through muffled sobs.

“It’s Liv and I’m not leaving until I talk to you.”

“Then say what you need to, then leave,” he states.

I use my cell phone to find a small lamp and turn it on. I look around, his room is a mess. Clothes everything, papers thrown all over the place, and pictures on the floor.

“Chad,” I say sitting on the edge of his bed, “talk to me.”

“Liv, fuck, I’m sorry,” is all he says and shoves his face back into the pillow.

“Sorry for what?” I ask, knowing exactly why he’s apologizing.

“You lost your best friend because of me,” he says as he sits up and pierces me with his eyes.

“No, I didn’t Chad.” I tell him staring him in the face.

“If we wouldn’t have argued, she wouldn’t have left, she wouldn’t have been walking home, and she wouldn’t have gotten hit,” he says as tears stream down his cheeks.

“You want the blame game, fine, I’ll play. She begged me to go out that night and I refused. So how is it not my fault? If I would have gone along, I would have been there, she wouldn’t have walked home, she would have stayed and drank with me.” I say with anger and sadness.

He doesn’t say anything, just stares at me in shock.

“So instead of blaming yourself, you can blame me,” I tell him truthfully.

“I can’t blame you, it’s not your fault,” he says staring at the floor.

“You can’t blame yourself either, it wasn’t your fault,” I say taking a breath.

“I need to blame someone
, Liv. I’m so fucking mad it hurts,” he says through more tears.

It’s not every day you see a grown man cry, but when you lose the one you love, it makes it difficult not to cry.

“Then blame the drunken idiot that hit her, blame her for trying to walk home by herself, you can’t blame yourself. You had no idea she would walk home, hell, why would you? She’s always against us walking by ourselves at night, yet instead of calling me or waiting it out with you, she chose to walk by herself, late at night.”

“I know you’re right Liv, it’s just not easy,” he says sadly.

“No, you’re right it’s not easy and it won’t be for a long time to come.”

“So what do we do?” he asks
, looking directly at me with sadness in his eyes.

“We remember my best friend, your girlfriend. We talk about her, we laugh, we
appreciate the moments we had with her,” I tell him with a smile.

“You’d do that with me? I was so ignorant to you because of the situation with
Wolffe.”

“That’s in the past. Nat
han and I talked, we’re fine,” I tell him, figuring he already knows.

“You guys talked? I’m pretty sure he still hates you, but he loves you too,” he says shocking me.

“What?”

“Growing up you’re all he ever talked about, he love
d you, still does, I’m sure. He was so angry at what you did as kids, I’m not sure he will ever truly forgive you Liv.”

“That was a misunderstanding, did he not tell you?” I ask confused.

“I haven’t really been in a talking or listening type of mood, so if he did, I never heard it.”

“Oh, well we are okay now,” I tell him happily.

“Okay,” he says looking at me unconvinced.

“I was wondering if you could help me with
something?” I say nervously.

“What’s that?” he asks.

“I helped Jill clean Brynn’s room at home and it sort of helped with things, so I was wondering…if you could help me clean out her stuff here?”

He looks at me, just stares, probably not believing what I just asked him.

“You don’t have to, I..I mean I can do it by myself,” I quickly recover saying.

“No, I want to help. When do you want to do it?” he says softly.

“I’m not going back to classes until Monday and it’s only Thursday now, so maybe sometime this weekend?” I suggest.

“Sure,” he says.

“Now, how about something to eat,” I state.

“I’m good,” he says acting like I was.

“No, get your ass up, you’re eating something. Go get a shower and while you shower I’ll cook,” I say with a smile.

He gives me a half-smile, but does as I ask.

I look through their kitchen unable to find anything.

“What are you looking for?” Nathan asks
, scaring the crap out of me.

“You’re not going to find anything. It was Chad’s turn to do the grocery shopping, and well, it never got done, as you can see.”

“Where are your menus then?”

“Here you go,” he says
, as he hands me a large stack of menus.

“He’s not going to eat, you know that right?” Nathan asks.

“We talked, he’s getting a shower now, and I’m ordering food. Do you have any preference?” I ask, looking back at the hundreds of menus.

“You got him to take a shower?” he asks
, surprised.

“Sure did, now food, what do you guys want to eat?”

“Just order pizza,” he says, as he pulls a pizza menu from my stack.