New Forever (13 page)

I shake my head, clearing it of the memory that never really leaves me at peace. I’d never spoken to anyone but doctors about Hayley’s death and it is surprising to find that I can not only confide in Max, but I yearn to tell him more.

“When we met,” I continue, “I was learning how to refocus my energy into something more positive, like starving children around the world that have it worse than me.” I try to smile at my own stupid joke but fail when I meet Max’s serious eyes. “The doctor’s at the hospital made me realize that while I had lost one of the most important people in my life, at least I’d had her. Now, when I think about Hannah, I don’t think about her death or her last year on earth where I ignored and belittled her. I remember us as kids and how in synch we were with one another. I remember her goodness, even in her death, she made sure I knew I was loved and wasn’t to blame for her sickness. But the main thing they taught me was to fight. I can’t give up every time I’m faced with a challenge that upsets me. There’s no special ointment that will ease the pain of losing Hannah, but there’s strength in the pain. I use that strength to help me move forward whenever I want to give up.”

“But depression still sets in. We’ve been together for two years, I’ve seen you when it hits you.”

I’m almost ashamed to hear Max’s words, but there’s no shame with my illness—just strength and perseverance.

“Is this what this is all about, Max?” I question him, irritated that he can make me feel like less of a human being. “There’s no cure for depression, so if you can’t handle it, then walk away. I won’t fight you, but at least have the balls to admit you’re not man enough to handle me.”

“No.” He shakes his head adamantly at me. “It’s not like that. It’s just when I tell you and you leave me, I want to know you’ll be alright.”

I roll my eyes, frustrated with him, but I try to rein it in so I can make him understand.

“I was coming into my own when we met,” I explain to him. “You turned my world upside down and gave me something to look forward to. Whatever you’re hiding, we’ll get through it. So you can take your nobility and shove it down your throat until you choke on it.” I smile at him for emphasis, but the grim look on his face never wavers.

“My parents had a direct hand in killing Hannah.”

I stare back at him, my eyes widening when I fully understand his words and the world around me spins uncontrollably.

I cover Hayley’s cold hands with my own, trying to bring warmth back into her shivering body. Fear consumes me when I realize I want her to prove me wrong. I want to believe we’ll pull through this, that she won’t leave me.

“I didn’t know, Hayley. I swear I didn’t know.”

“Didn’t know what exactly?” she asks slowly, her eyes focusing on my face.

“My dad was dating Hannah,” I tell her but she shakes her head in denial. “They were together for months. My mom knew about them the whole time, but she never said anything. They acted normal, I didn’t know about it until Hannah…” I trail off, not able to say the words. “I heard my parents talking about her in the kitchen so I listened in. I had heard about her and was curious if they knew why she…” I look back at Hayley nervously. “Why she…”

“Why she killed herself,” Hayley finishes for me.

“Yeah,” I sigh. “I stormed in when my dad admitted that he’d led her to believe that he’d leave my mom for her. She was only sixteen.” I shake my head, still angry with my father for not only being unfaithful to my mom, but also for leading a young girl on. He might not have known that his actions would lead to her death, but he was smart enough to know what he was doing was wrong. A sixteen year old girl, for Christ’s sake! When he had a family of his own. “She thought she was in love with a man who would keep his word.”

“She never told me.” Hayley looks back at me through red eyes and I pull her close to me, needing to comfort her. “I didn’t even know she was seeing anyone. She was with your dad?” She furrows her eyebrows at me in question and I want to take back my words. Tell her I’m lying, and that this is all one big hoax.

“My mom tried to calm me down by telling me he’d had several affairs throughout their marriage and that I shouldn’t worry. I wasn’t upset about the affair, not really. It’s their life, they can screw it up as they see fit. I was upset that they’d killed a sixteen year old girl!”

I still feel the outrage from that day. It never really leaves me and is always within arm’s reach. I smooth Hayley’s hair back to calm myself as much as her. She wraps her arms around my stomach before she leans away from me to look back at me.

“What does this have to do with you?” she asks cautiously.

“Don’t you get it?” I ask, still feeling the bitterness from that day. “I didn’t see what was going on. My dad had an affair with a sixteen year old girl and promised her forever while my mom sat back and did nothing. They broke her.”

“I get that, Max.” Hayley takes my face into her hands and forces me to look at her. I lick my lips, nervous about what else she’ll say. “But what does what they did, have to do with you?”

“I didn’t do anything to help her,” I say quietly, shame and guilt smothering me in a thick emotional blanket. “She’s dead and I didn’t do a damn thing to help her.”

“Neither did I.” She looks back at me bravely before she crawls to me and rests her head on my shoulder. “I was her twin sister and I couldn’t save her. You didn’t know about your dad and her, so how could you have done anything?”

“I should’ve seen it.”

“The
should have’s
and the
could have’s
will drive you to an early grave. You didn’t. I didn’t. But we aren’t to blame.”

I kiss the top of Hayley’s head before I leave the bed and start to pace the room. How do I make her understand? I’ve carried this crux for so many years because my parents were unwilling to carry it themselves. Shame and disappointment drape their familiar arms around me and I welcome them as intimately as if they were lovers.

My dad had once been my hero. Strict and unrelenting in his principles, but caring and affectionate with me, his only son. I’d worshipped him the way only a son can and was left deeply disappointed by his infidelity and nonchalance. Within a few minutes, he was no longer the hero of my story, but the villain of someone else’s. It took me seventeen years to see him for who he was and, while painful, I knew I could never look at him the same.

He was no longer a man of value nor one I recognized. So I fled from him, from the man I once wanted to become and promised myself I’d be my own man. The kind of man that owned up to his mistakes, or in this case, the mistakes of another.

One day, when I looked in the mirror, I’d be proud of who I was, even if I couldn’t be proud of who I came from. Because I’d have paid their debt in full.

Hayley has lived through a hell no one should experience because no one did anything when a young girl’s life was in shambles. No one noticed. No one cared. So I care for them. And I’ll go the remainder of my life caring and suffering because of it, because someone should.

“You and Hannah look so alike, I don’t know how I didn’t recognize you, but I didn’t. The picture you showed me, it was the same one I found in my father’s drawer.” Understanding dawns in Hayley’s eyes so I continue, “I left my house after that and lived on the streets until I met you. I thought I could put all of that to rest, that I had paid my debt.”

“Then I showed you her picture and it all came back.” I nod my head and turn away from her when she gets off the bed. “It was never your debt to pay.” Hayley puts both her hands on either side of my face and I breathe in her love and understanding. “Max, I don’t blame you, any more than I blame myself. Your parents made their choices and so did Hannah. We have to live with that, but there’s no reason we can’t do it together.” She pauses and looks at me, caressing my face with the same tenderness that lives inside her soul. I want to hang my head in shame at the love she’s showing me, but keep my eyes focused on her. “Death affects us all. You took my sister’s death without knowing her and have carried a guilt that doesn’t belong to you for years.” She traces a finger lightly over my cheek to my jaw and I feel the resolve I’ve built against her begin to dissolve. “Death will hurt us continuously if we let it. But living, loving—that renews us, gives us another chance at life. A part of both of us died that day, for different reasons.” She continues to caress my face while I stand still as a statue, afraid to break contact with her. “But I’m giving you a choice right now.”

“You are?” I lick my lips and train my eyes on her face, hoping I’ll choose correctly.

Her smile is small but beautiful all the same.

“You can choose me or Hannah. You can’t have both, but only one of us will bring you life.”

I reach for her, my hope and my heart, and hug her close to me, needing her words to heal my bleeding and festering wound. She still wants me. She doesn’t blame me. I kiss her neck while she runs her hands down my back as if she were soothing a child.

She’s giving me another chance. I’d be a damn fool not to accept it.

“Why are we doing this again?” Dee asks when I park my car.

“Because you’re my best friend.”

“Pulling the best friend card again?”

“And because you love me,” I remind her with a smirk.

“I can’t stand you,” she corrects.

With my hand tucked in Dee’s arm, we walk together into a bridal store. I lean my head on her shoulder and wait for a sales associate to approach us.

“I already have my dress,” Dee whispers for the hundredth time today.

“But I don’t and I want to be a bride for the day.” More so, I want a day of fun and silliness. I want to forget the troubles life has thrown at me and just have a few hours of pure ridiculousness.

“Fine, but-”

“Ladies,” a sales associate says, getting our attention. “How can I help you?”

Dee looks back at me nervously so I pinch her arm so she’ll stay quiet. I’m going to be a bride and she’s not going to ruin my fun.

“We’re getting married,” I tell the lady, who smiles back at me. “We both want to wear dresses, but I think only one of us should wear a princess type gown. I mean, how cheesy would we look if we wore similar dresses. And lets face it, babe, I’m more of a princess than you,” I tell Dee who is attempting first degree murder with her eyes.