New Girl (35 page)

She shook her head and went on. “I don’t know why I feel that way. She hated me. She wouldn’t let anyone
near
her. I’m so…I’m so
mad
at her for that. Why couldn’t she just let me know her?” Her tears began anew. “I want my
baby back.
I want her to come home and I want to do it right this time! I just let her do whatever she wanted. I shouldn’t have done that.”

She needed to say this, I could tell. She still didn’t look at me. I listened, and said nothing.

“She was always loved, but she was always cold. She was never happy with what she had. Nothing moved her.
Nothing.
I don’t know that she ever loved anyone, or hated anyone.” She waited a few seconds before narrowing her eyes as if trying to figure something out. “But she hurt people. She would say hurtful things, and do things just to
do
them. I just…I just want her back. I want to understand her. I want to try
harder
to understand…” She breathed deeply again. “It’s my fault. It must be. I don’t know what I did wrong....”

I felt motivated to speak up. “Sometimes things happen, and they aren’t because of anyone. Sometimes they just
are.
”

She looked up, as if she was startled to find me next to her.

“Maybe.”

I nodded, not knowing what else to say as she didn’t take her gaze from me.

“I’m pregnant.” She whispered the words. “I haven’t even told my husband yet. It feels wrong to be bringing someone else into the world after losing Rebecca. But what if this baby is the same?” She laid a hand on her stomach. “What if I can’t raise a happy child? What if I’m just…unfit?”

She was pleading with me for an answer I knew I couldn’t give. So I just shook my head and said, “You will be fine, and so will your baby. I’m sure you didn’t do anything wrong with Becca. She just was who she was. It’s not your fault.”

The woman searched my eyes, and a small, sad smile appeared on her face. After another few seconds, she started to stand. I helped her up, and noticed she smelled a little bit like alcohol.

She recovered herself, as if morphing back to a former self, to what she had been when I’d first seen her. As if this had never happened.

She looked at me for a long moment, mouthed the words
thank you
and left. I would never see her again.

I was in the bathroom for fifteen minutes after that. Recovering, or something.

When I went back downstairs, most people were gone. Cabs, cars, town cars and one limo were sloshing out of the parking lot. I stepped out of the tall open doors and under the awning.

Now it was time to graduate.

Somehow the kick of graduating had ebbed. But seeing my family felt like surfacing for air for the first time in months.

My parents and Lily flew up the morning of graduation, and we’d be flying back together that night because that was the cheapest way. I only had time to hug them all, and then direct them to the auditorium to wait. The ceremony was starting in an hour.

I put on my cap and gown with everyone else. No one was saying much. I wanted to leave throughout the entire ceremony, which seemed to drag on for days. Some people were back to chatting and laughing, whispering and thinking already of their futures and not of their pasts. But I just couldn’t.

I wouldn’t have even gone if it hadn’t have meant so much to my parents. When it came time for my name to be called, a sense of finality washed over me. I was finished, I thought, walking across the stage to shake hands with the administration. I was finished with high school. Finished with Manderley.

My parents stood and cheered at my name, and I smiled for what felt like the first time in too long. They were proud of me. They’d never have to know about the whole past year, and how awful it had been in some ways.

Could I look at it now with a wise eye and say that it had all been for the best, and that I was better from the experience?

As we all stepped out into the hall to take pictures with our families, I think all of us felt the oldest we’ve ever felt. So much was coming for us. There was a small twinge in my stomach when I thought of Becca, who had never gotten this far. She was gone, and had nothing in her future. I wondered how long that thought would plague me.

“Congratulations, honey!” My dad picked me up and spun me around.

“I am bursting with pride,” my mother said with tears in her eyes. “You have done so much. You should be so proud of yourself.”

I hugged her, too, and then Lily. She was jumping up and down next to me. As I hugged her, I caught eyes with Johnny. He gave a half smile, and a nod. I smiled back.

“So introduce us to your friends!” my mother cooed. “I want to know who you’ve been spending all this time with!”

“Oh, I don’t know. Everyone’s with their families....”

Just then, Max walked up. I suppressed whatever was rising in my chest. I didn’t want to say goodbye to Max. I just wanted to start over. Not that the thought of reliving the past year was any kind of appealing.

“Congratulations,” he said.

“You, too,” I said. “These are my parents, and this is my little sister, Lily.”

He shook hands with both of them and introduced himself. He even held out his hand for a high five from Lily. She blushed and then hid behind my father’s legs, peeking out at Max.

“Your daughter is amazing. I just wanted to tell you that I feel better for having known her.”

I smiled and looked at my shoes.

“She sure is amazing, isn’t she?” my father said, rustling my hair.

“Together for a picture, please!” my mom gleefully said and stepped back.

Max and I stood together, his arm around me. He kissed me, as he so often had, on top of the head as the flash went off. I would always love the picture, even though my smile was small and his brow was furrowed. It held so much in it.

“Adorable,”
she said. “But both of you try to look
happy
this time!”

We took one more picture, both of us smiling like you’re supposed to in pictures.

“Thanks,” I said to him.

“No problem. Do you want to meet my parents?”

“Sure.”

He walked me over to them, and I did as he had done. I held out my hand and met each of them.

“I saw you up there, congratulations on your graduation,” said Mr. Holloway. “Couple of cords, I see. Smart girl, huh?”

“I try to be.” I smiled as genuinely as I could. I was too aware of Max next to me, and the fact that he would soon not be.

His mother said nothing, just looked at me.

“Max is…” I looked up at him. I wanted to return the favor and say something nice to his parents about him. But emotion was filling me. “Max is…” I smiled and breathed very intentionally to stop from getting watery. I felt like they might be able to see that.

“I have to show my parents around and then leave. It was so nice meeting you.”

They said their goodbyes to me. Max hugged me and told me he’d talk to me soon. Then I turned, feeling like I’d said goodbye all wrong. That couldn’t be it. I hadn’t held on to him long enough.

“That’s the kind of girl you ought to spend your time around,” I heard his father saying as I walked away. I smiled to myself, still biting my lip to keep from crying.

My mom put her arm around me, and ran her hand up and down my arm.

I led them around, showing them the dining hall where I’d spent the mornings with Max and his coffee and newspaper. Where I’d gotten my hot chocolate for the nights I spent alone. I showed them the senior study room, my haven from the rest of the place. I remembered when he’d kissed me there.

I showed them my room, which was empty and characterless. I remembered all the nights I’d thought about him as I fell asleep. I also looked under the bed, which was now empty and void of the mysterious Louis Vuitton suitcase.

My mother was enchanted with every last corner of the place, taking pictures every time we’d let her. “Ooh,” she said, “this place is just
wonderful.
Would you like to come here some day, Lily?”

“Yes!” she shrilled.

I privately wondered what ghosts would haunt these halls by the time Lily got here.

We ran into Cam and Blake, who were on their way out. They were polite, as always. Blake squeezed me hard and told me that we just
had
to stay in touch. Cam smiled and told me he was happy I’d come to Manderley.

When they left, I already missed them.

Dana was already gone. The funeral was the last time I’d ever see her. She hadn’t come to graduation. I told my parents that when they asked about my roommate.

“Why didn’t she go?” my mom asked, looking concerned.

“That girl who was missing, Becca Normandy? Do you remember when Michael told you about her over break?” They nodded. “They just found out she died. Dana and she were really close.”

“That’s a shame,” my dad said, shaking his head. “I feel that everybody loses someone during their teen years.”

“Did you know her best friend?” Lily asked.

I hesitated. “No.”

“That’s good.”

At last, we went out to the front circle with our suitcases to wait for the cab. I saw Madison and Julia, who dashed over to me and told me they’d miss me. They both still looked very depressed. I wondered how long it would take for them to be okay again. They were just telling me they’d find me on Facebook when Johnny walked over. Madison and Julia went off to talk to Susan, who said nothing to me.

“Hey, new girl.” Johnny smiled as he came over to me.

“Hey.”

“I’m gonna miss you.”

“I’ll miss you, too. I don’t know what I would have done this year without you.”

“You better shoot me a text every once in a while.”

“I will. You, too. Here, give me your number.”

He took my phone, put it in and handed it back. He gave me a quick hug and said, “Seriously. Texts.”

“Come on!”
Lily shouted.

“I’m coming!”

“I really do hope we see each other again,” he said earnestly.

I nodded. “Goodbye, Johnny. Thank you for everything.” I went off to join my family.

“That’s us,” my dad said when a van pulled up. “Number seventy-two.”