New Title 4 (7 page)

Okay, before we talk, what ll you be having tonight?
Just a Mountain Dew, Caleb said.
I ll have a Jack and Coke, Gloria said. But go easy on the Jack. We ll probably need to keep our wits about us tonight.
Absolutely! Wylma squeaked. She pulled Gloria s glass so it was sitting right in front of her, held both her hands up over the glass, and made a series of complicated gestures with her fingers. Her voice dropped low, and her eyes turned white again. By the wily wankers of whiskey, by the charismatic carbonation of cola, I command you!
There was a popping noise, and Gloria s glass was suddenly full. As Wylma murmured something similar over Caleb s glass Gloria took her drink and gave it a tentative sip. It would have been perfect, the exact balance between the whiskey and soda she had been hoping for, except for one strange little detail.
Kind of tastes like lemons, Gloria said. Wylma shrugged as she slid Caleb s drink over the table towards him. Practicing the black arts always comes at a price. For some the price is their soul. For others it s everything they make tasting like citrus fruit. That was the price I agreed to when I was given these powers.
Doesn t seem fair to the people who lose their souls, Gloria said.
Guess they re just not good enough negotiators, Wylma said. But you guys didn t come to talk about that.
No, Caleb said. I hear that you already have an idea what s going on. How did you know about all the stuff being stolen from my bathroom?
I scryed it in the broken shells at the bottom of a peanut bowl.
There had been a time in Gloria s life where that would have sounded ridiculous. Now she simply found herself wondering if the peanuts had been salted or not, and if that would make a difference.
Did the shells tell you anything else? Gloria asked. Anything about who did it? Or how?
I think so, Wylma said, but I couldn t tell. Have you ever tried to scry the future using peanut shells? It s not nearly as easy as it sounds.
Could you try it again? Caleb asked. Maybe some other way that would be easier for you to read?
I did. I tried scrying using everything from the change in the register to a puddle of vomit in the men s room. Everything I saw was garbled. I think the problem might be the sheer amount of magic we re dealing with here. If I were trying to find any one of those damned artifacts you had, then I probably could do it no sweat. But wherever they are now, they re still close together. And the magical energy from each individual artifact is interfering with the energy of all the others. It s like taking a whole bunch of different colors of paint, mixing them together, and then trying to identify which colors you started with. To me, it just looks like a muddy brown.
Well, maybe you could help us with this then, Gloria said. She pulled the freezer bag out of her duffel and set it on the table. We found it at Caleb s place. Whoever used it apparently ripped the door right off its hinges and then bashed the shit out of it for no apparent reason.
Wylma picked up the bag and stared at the syringe inside. Well, I don t really know. There could have been anything in there. There s no real way wait
She opened the freezer bag, gingerly took the syringe out, and then held it up to the dim bulb hanging over the table to get a better look. Purple, she said. Well son of a gun.
What? Caleb asked. You got something?
Maybe. Did you see any claw marks on the door or frame?
I guess so, Gloria said. Sure. They could have been claw marks, but not really like any I ve seen.
Strong like a werewolf s, but smaller maybe? Wylma asked.
Yeah. That sounds about right.
Well gosh darn it then. I know exactly what this was.
Caleb sat up straight next to her. Well? What was it?
It s sort of a super extract. A combination of science and magic. The science is the way it s synthesized and mass produced, but the magic is where it comes from. Basically it s a little bit of all the best strengths of all the common beasties on the Hill.
Really? Gloria asked. Like werewolves?
Werewolves, yes, but also vampires, fairies, small amounts of extract from zombies and revenants, maybe even elves, a whole bunch of other things that probably aren t classifiable. Taking it can give you most of those things strengths in small doses without too many of the weaknesses. Only drawback is some of those powers don t mesh too well with each other. Causes emotions to sometimes go wild. Blind fits of rage, uncontrolled weeping, that sort of thing.
So where would people get it, then? Caleb asked.
Wylma blushed. Me. I m the only supplier of it in the entire world, as far as I know. I m sorry. If I d known it would be used for this purpose
You re kidding me, right? Gloria said. What other purpose do you think it would be used for?
Well, for one thing, it s um it s one heck of an aphrodisiac.
Please spare us the details of how you know that, Wylma, Caleb said. Is there any way you could tell us who it was that used this particular syringe?
Not really, but it s not like many people out there even know it exists. And it s strong enough that it s not cheap at all. I could count on one hand the number of people who have actually bought it.
Could you tell us their names? Gloria asked. Wylma blushed. I m sorry. No. I can t. That would be bad business.
Gloria opened her mouth to say something that probably would not have been smart, but Caleb thankfully spoke first. His voice was a gentle tone that she had rarely ever heard from him before. Certainly he had never used that tone with her, even when he was deliberately trying not to be a jackass. Wylma, I know how important your personal ethics are to you, but we can t screw around here. There are twelve items being carried around somewhere out there that can completely obliterate the world. Surely that s got to be more important than keeping your clients names a secret, right?
Wylma stared down at the table rather than look either of them in the eye. If I tell you my customers won t trust me anymore.
Trust versus end of the freaking world, Caleb said. Weigh it out.
For several long seconds Wylma continued to stare at the table. Finally she looked up at Caleb and shook her head. I m sorry. I just can t. I ll help you in any other way possible, but I won t tell you
Everything flashed purple and green again, followed by the loud echoing unzipped noise. Gloria blinked and felt a moment of vertigo as she tried to regain some sense of orientation. She now sat on the opposite side of the table. Wylma and Caleb sat where Gloria had been only moments before as Wylma finished her sentence.
that they re at the back of the bar, Wylma said. And they ve got all the artifacts with them.

Wylma seemed just as surprised by her words as Caleb was.
Wait, what the hell? Caleb said.
Someone must have tried solving the cube

The last people I sold the extract to, Wylma said. She actually looked like she was struggling not to talk, but her mouth kept moving with the changed reality anyway. A whole lot of it, too. Made me nervous, like they were going to try reselling it, but now I m thinking they might have been stocking up for some reason. Something big.

And you didn t think to tell us that someone had walked in earlier with every fucking item we ve been looking for? Caleb said. He d tried to be calm with Wylma before, and it had come easily to him when he d been talking to someone other than Gloria. Something about talking to her made his inner sensor turn off so he couldn t control himself. But with Wylma something about her brought out a gentle side in him. She had always struck him as someone who was kind of lost, trying to straddle multiple ways of life without actually being able to belong to any of them. But no matter what he thought of her, he still couldn t keep himself from getting mad at this particular news. Wylma, I mean seriously, what the fuck?

No, wait, I didn t actually see them come in with it. Wylma blinked several times, her head cocked as though she were trying to remember something. Except I did. They had a garbage bag, and I saw the hilt of the Omega Sword sticking out of it. Except I didn t.

Gloria figured it out before he could. She didn t actually see the bag originally. When the cube changed reality again, she did. They must be sitting back there screwing around with it.

Well then what the hell are we waiting for? Caleb asked. He pushed Wylma out of the booth so he could get up. If they re sitting back there with all my stuff then we can just go take it, if we surprise them.

True, but it has to be prepared first, Wylma said. Like heroin. Cooked and then put in the syringe. They would have to already have some ready, and it would still take some time to inject it. But there s kind of a whole problem with that

Which ones are they? Caleb asked.
The three in the booth right next to the bathrooms. But they re not just oh dang it, what s the word I m looking for? They re that thing when you add stuff to people
Caleb didn t wait for Wylma to finish whatever the hell she was trying to say. He would have liked to say that he was pissed off and ready to kick some ass, but if anything he was just really annoyed by now. Truthfully his date with Gloria hadn t exactly started off well, but he thought maybe he could have been able to salvage it, perhaps show her there was more to him than the blustering loudmouth he inevitably became whenever she was around. Instead he had to go after yet another group or person with delusions of grandeur. It was like work, and he wanted to get it over with as soon as possible. Maybe if he got the artifacts back quick enough he and Gloria could still actually get out and do something vaguely date-like.
But just because he wanted to get it over with quickly didn t mean he had to be stupid about it. With the strap of his duffel bag firmly on his shoulder, he unzipped it as he started through the crowd towards the bathrooms. He had lots of things in the bag that might be good against specific threats- wooden stakes for vampires, silver stakes for werewolves, salt shakers for giant carnivorous slugsbut very little that was designed for general threats. In the end he pulled out a cold iron dagger he kept in the event of a fairy attack. A gun would have been more threatening, but he knew absolutely jack about firearms. If he had a gun then the person most likely to get shot was himself.
He could hear Gloria and Wylma calling out to him as they tried to shove through the crowd behind him, but he wasn t going to wait. He wanted to get this over with. He wasn t sure exactly who he might be dealing with here, but this wasn t the sort of place where vampires or demons usually hung out. Anything else had to be easier to deal with.
He found the three exactly where Wylma had said they were. Only a couple of the overhead lamps in this corner of the bar had working bulbs in them, obscuring them in semi-darkness, and had he not been looking for these three he probably wouldn t have thought twice about them. They looked very similar to everyone else in the bar in typical leather jackets and Harley t-shirts, but none of them had on the lab coats or other mad scientist paraphernalia that everyone else wore. In the seat nearest to the bathroom doors there was a man and a woman. The woman had stringy blond hair and a vacant look in her eyes, a look that was matched by the guy. He had a short green Mohawk and stared down at the empty beer bottle in front of him as though he had never seen anything more fascinating. In the seat opposite them was another woman, but while the first woman looked to have normal proportions this one seemed slightly off, like her arms and legs were slightly too long and muscled. Her neck looked too short, like she barely had one at all, and Caleb wasn t surprise that in order to turn her head at his approach she had to in fact turn her whole body. While her eyes still did not look completely focused she at least had the appearance that she might be capable of some intelligent thought, unlike her companions. None of them had been speaking as Caleb had approached. They just stared like they were waiting for something that wasn t coming. He would have thought twice about going up to them if it weren t for the black garbage bag sitting on the far side of the seat next to the ill-proportioned woman. It was tied shut at the top, but just as Wylma had said he could see the hilt of the Omega Sword sticking out next to the knot.
Caleb cleared his throat and tried to think of something witty. This was the point where the hero was always supposed to give some smart remark, but he could never really come up with something in time. Usually he got smacked a good one before something came to mind.
Then the perfect line occurred to him, and he smiled as he started. You know, in the time of Solomon, Little Debbie fruit pies were
The disproportioned woman didn t even bother to stand as her fist swung up in an arc and smashed him squarely under the ribcage. He had the impression of flying straight up into the air, but that couldn t be right because there had been nothing directly behind him, and when he came down he felt a table and multiple beer bottles jab into his back. The several mad scientists around the table, all men, gave high pitched screams and dashed away. Conversation in the bar ceased as all eyes turned to look at the floor where Caleb had landed, the table now broken and collapsed beneath him.
Caleb took a moment to catch his breath, which was hard. It didn t feel like any of his ribs were broken, but every single one of them felt like they wanted to be. Ow, he said. The word came out as nothing more than a ragged gasp. Dammit. Now I can t remember what I was going to say.
He couldn t yet do anything more than look straight up at the ceiling, and both Gloria and Wylma appeared upside down in his vision as they leaned down to look at him. Wylma looked visibly worried and upset, but Gloria had a broad smile like she was trying very hard not to laugh.
Just to let you know, Gloria said, Wylma remembered the word she was looking for. It s cyborgs.
Cyborgs, Caleb rasped. That s a new one. Good to know. He tried to turn onto his side and get up, but an intense pain shot up his back and he couldn t steady himself with his hands without sticking them in broken glass from the beer bottles. A little help here?
Both Gloria and Wylma reached down and helped him into a sitting position, and Caleb could now see the back booth again. The strangely proportioned woman had stood up from her seat, and the other two finally seemed to realize that there was a whole world going on around them. They both blinked at the woman, but it was the guy who spoke.
Wait, Fluffy, this isn t the way it s supposed to go down, he said.
The woman, Fluffy apparently, snorted. We re supposed to keep the bag safe until we get it where it needs to go, right Muffy? Beating the crap out of this little shit seems like a good enough way.
Fluffy and Muffy? Caleb muttered to Wylma. Seriously?
Sure, I guess, Wylma said. And the smaller woman is Tuffy.
Cute. Very cute, he said. Please tell me they have a dog named Scruffy.
Caleb, Gloria said, her smile finally gone. I think we need to think of a better plan now.
You could be right, Caleb said. He looked around for the dagger, but it had flown off to points unknown thanks to the punch. His duffel bag was next to him, at least. There could always be something inside to help. But cyborgs were a bit outside his normal experience. He didn t have the first clue of how he would fight them.
Fluffy cracked her knuckles as she took a step towards Caleb. Muffy, Tuffy, grab the bag and get out of here. Remember the plan and stick to what we talked about, got it?
Wylma and Gloria finally got Caleb to his feet as Tuffy reached across the table to grab the bag. Despite their stoned-looking expressions they were quick, and before Caleb could try to stop them they had the bag and were headed down the hall to the bathrooms.
Wylma, is there a way out back there? Caleb asked.
Yeah, there s a service entrance.
Then go after them, Caleb said. Both of you. You can t let them get away. You have to get the bag no matter what. I guess I ll stay here and distract Fluffy.
Gloria raised an eyebrow. And how do you plan on doing that?
Caleb shrugged, trying not to show any of the fear he suddenly felt at the idea of being alone with a cyborg. Probably by letting her hit me. A lot.