New World Rising (13 page)

“I’m Phoenix.” I said, trying to set a good impression for Mouse’s first friend.

“I know.” She said swinging her arms. “Pretty much everybody knows who you are.”

I glanced up at Triven, but he just grinned and shrugged his shoulders.

“
My
name is Maribel. Everybody says I talk too much, but Mouse doesn’t seem to mind. And since she doesn’t talk at all, I figure I speak enough for the both of us.”

Mouse grinned at her nodding. It was obvious she had found a mouthpiece and was elated by her new friend.

“Veyron said there’s cake. Want to go find out what kind?” Maribel’s eyes lit with mischief. Mouse nodded and the two disappeared into the crowd, leaving Triven and I alone.

I smiled shyly at him, but then my eyes flickered to the cut on his neck and I felt myself pale. My fault. A boisterous laugh interrupted my guilty musings and Arden appeared with two bottles in his hands.

“You two look like you could use these.” He thrust a bottle into each of our hands. “Cook brewed up a new batch this week, fair warning this stuff is potent.”

He laughed again as I took a whiff and wrinkled my nose. Someone called Arden’s name and we were alone again. I stared at the amber liquid.

“I was worried about you.” Triven swirled the bottle in his hand.

I took a big swig and nearly choked, my eyes, throat and nose were all on fire. A shudder roared through my body in response. Triven laughed, as my eyes watered.

“He wasn’t kidding.” I sputtered. It took me a moment to catch my breath.

“Go easy on that stuff. Cook’s home brews can knock you flat if you drink too fast.” Triven sipped at his as if it were merely water.

“I’m sorry about earlier.” I murmured.

“Don’t.” His eyes were tight as they turned on me. “Don’t apologize anymore. You saved Archer’s life. You saved mine. These people would be mourning tonight if it hadn’t been for you.”

The back of his hand brushed my cheek. Surprising us both, I didn’t flinch away. A warm flush crept to my cheeks. I fervently hoped most people would think it was just from the alcohol. The music picked up and people began to dance. I shifted, moving closer to Triven, feeling the icy wall between us melt. 

As Cook’s liquor was passed around, more people had begun to dance and the flush in my cheeks deepened. Mouse and Maribel had found the cake and the two were now sharing a piece as they played some kind of hand game.

“How do you do it?”

“Do what?” Triven’s head swiveled towards me as we sat on a table against the wall.

“Care about someone. Deal with the constant worry that every day something could take them from you.” I watched Mouse as she laughed when Maribel missed her hand.

“One day at a time. Mostly you learn to cherish those moments that are good. Like these. Nothing in the world is permanent, so you have to make those good moments count.”

I could feel his eyes on me.

“And when everything falls apart?”

“Then you lean on those who will help you pick up the pieces.”

I nodded as Maribel whispered something to Mouse. Both pairs of mischievous eyes turned our way. Mouse managed to drag Triven to the makeshift dance floor as I watched from my seat, still sipping the amber concoction slowly. Triven twirled her as she laughed. For the first time since I met her, she looked like a carefree child. At that moment, I wanted nothing more than to keep her that way. To let her be happy. As they danced, something snow white caught my eye. Arstid was standing near the door. She and Willets had their heads bent low, discussing something in hushed tones. Something was going on. As Arstid slipped though the doors, several other men I recognized as guards followed her. I craned my neck watching them. I thought about following but something blocked my view.

Mouse appeared in front of me grinning. She had left Triven to dance with the bouncing Maribel. I tried to shoo her hands as they pulled at me, but eventually I could no longer resist her silent pleading. I wasn’t sure if it was Cook’s brew or the happy atmosphere, but I allowed her to lead me to the dance floor. I spun Mouse barely three times before she pulled away, reaching again for Maribel’s hand, and the two twirled away leaving Triven and I standing alone in a crowd of people.

Just as I stepped back to retreat, Triven’s hand pressed against the small of my back. My hands fell against his chest as he pulled me close. Our cheeks pressed together as his mouth found my ear. His skin felt pleasantly hot against my own.

“I think we were just set up by two diabolical little girls.”

I giggled.

I
giggled. It felt strange even as it came out.

“I think you’re right.”

“Well let’s not disappoint them.”

Before I could speak, Triven’s hand gathered mine and we began to dance. Correction— he began to dance, I was just along for the ride. He moved as if I weighed nothing, my feet barely seeming to touch the ground as we turned and glided along. Before I knew it, I was laughing. Triven’s returning husky laugh was warm against my ear. The song ended and the crowd began to cheer for the band. While we had stopped moving, my head was still spinning. I pressed my face to his broad shoulder to steady it. He smelled like soap and spices.

“Do you want to leave?” He whispered in my ear. He was winded, his words coming out airy. The deep sultry tone of his voice stirred something inside of me— I was sure it was Cook’s brew that had lowered my usually steeled walls. I looked up into those perfect eyes and nodded. His returning smile could have melted stone.

The hallways seemed to pass in a blur as I followed him. I stared, mesmerized by my hand in his. Less than a month ago, I wouldn’t have let anyone touch me, much less as a sign of affection. But it felt good, he felt good. We made it back to our room without passing anyone. It seemed everyone was at the celebration tonight. Triven held the door open for me and I could barely meet his eyes as I brushed past his chest. When the door clanked shut, I froze.

What was I doing? This was a bad idea. Getting attached to another person could only cause me more pain. I knew all of that but I still wanted this. Every cell in my body wanted this. It had taken Cook’s brew to allow me to be honest with myself, and now I finally realized what I had been so vehemently denying. I wanted him.

Triven’s warm fingers traveled over my bare shoulders, causing me to shiver. I turned to face him. His hazel eyes were like warm honey and his lips were flushed. My heart began to race as his hands continued to brush over my arms.

“This isn’t a good idea.” I said staring at his lips.

His hands moved to my jaw, sliding across the slender bones to the nape of my neck.

“Triven…” I whispered. I was trying to warn him. I wasn’t a good choice. I was broken, damaged goods. He deserved better than what I could offer him. He deserved more than what I was. I was too hollow, too ruined.

He lowered his face to mine and I sucked in a scared breath. He stopped, his lips inches from mine. His eyes scanned my face, but he didn’t move. We stayed like this for what felt like an eternity. His breath was warm and sweet on my face. I knew what he was doing. Even in his state of lowered inhibitions, he wasn’t going to move. He was waiting for me to make the last move, telling me it was my choice.

Push him away.
My mind screamed. I knew this was a bad idea, that it would only lead to pain.
Push him away!
I pressed my palms to his chest, ready to shove him away but my heart rebelled. Moving with the speed of desperation, I clutched him and pressed my lips to his.

HIS LIPS FIT
seamlessly with mine. As my mouth pressed feverishly against his, he reciprocated with a ferocity that made me purr. He wanted me just as I wanted him, maybe even more. As his hands moved against my body, a tingling sensation spread over my skin like wildfire. Every part of my body lit like a struck match. My mind wheeled and my heart ignited. And I felt something for the first time, something other than hate or fear or guilt. I felt alive.

Somehow, we made our way to the bed. Triven was careful to keep me on top, to let me stay in control. While his hands firmly held me, I knew he would stop the second I asked him to. Only I didn’t ask.

We lay pressed together, mouths moving in unison until we couldn’t breathe. When I finally pulled away, gasping for air, his lips trailed my jaw before resting next to my ear. We laid in silence listening to each other’s breathing. Beneath me Triven’s heart hammered against his chest.

My lips grazed the cut on his neck and the guilt came back. Carefully I ran my finger over the healing skin. Then surprising myself, I kissed it. Triven’s arms closed around me.

“I thought you were going to run.” He whispered in my ear. There was pain in his voice, as if the idea hurt him. “When you were standing on the fire escape. There was this look in your eyes and I thought you were going to run.”

I pressed my ear to his chest. “I was going to. At least I thought I was going to.”

He ran his hand through my hair. “I’m glad you didn’t.”

I was silent. I was glad I stayed too. Wasn’t I?

His fingers sought mine, the pads running over my bruised and raw knuckles. Even his gentle touch stung. I balled them into fists, ashamed of what I had done. He pressed his cheek to my forehead, closing his hand protectively over mine.

“Phoenix, what you did… it was—”

“Dishonorable,” I cut him off. “I lost control. I felt like… like I lost who I was. When I saw that man on top of Archer, I just snapped. It was like watching my mother… I have never lost control like that. Never. I mean, I have killed people before— I’m not proud of it— but it was always a kill or be killed situation. But tonight… I… I… Then I turned on you.” I buried my face in his chest. “Triven I never meant to hurt you. I would never… And my parents, what if Arstid is right? What if they were the cause of your father’s death? You should hate me Triven. You should want me to suffer for what they’ve done. For what
I
have done. I am not a good person. Why did you save me Triven, why didn’t you just let me die in that alley?”

The words began to pour out and I couldn’t stop them. They had been eating away at me. He just held me tighter and let me sputter out on my own. Once my breathing calmed he spoke.

“We have all done things we’re not proud of. None of us are murderers by nature and no one could ever blame you for what you did. We have grown up in a world filled with hate and violence, and it’s bound to seep in eventually. You are
not
a bad person Phoenix; you are a product of the world that raised you. But the pain you feel proves that you are still a good person, that you have held on to your humanity. My father died saving my life, but that is in the past. I can’t change it. Even if your parents did set his death in motion, you are not them. You may be a product of your parents, but they’re not who
you
are. Too many people get caught up in the past. If we keep punishing people for what their parents or their ancestors have done, the world as a whole can never move forward. Society will never grow. With time, open wounds only fester, better to let them heal and forgive than to fester with hate."

He was right. A part of me knew he was right, but I still didn’t feel worthy of his forgiveness— or of Mouse’s trust. Both of these righteous, kind people trusted me, but I barely trusted myself. I had put all of my faith in my parents, but what if I had been wrong to do so? What if they were everything Arstid claimed they were? I was angry at her for poking a hole in the fragile bubble that was my world. I was angry with my parents for leaving me alone here. And I was angry with myself for questioning them and for
not
questioning them sooner.

“Do you want me to leave?” Triven whispered. I could only just detect the pain in his voice.

Yes.

“No.”

I don’t know…

We laid in silence for a while as his words swirled though my mind. The moment of passion between us was gone, but his body still felt good next to mine.

“Mouse will be coming soon.” I said.

“She is staying with Maribel tonight.” He paused. “I hope that’s okay, I thought it would be good for her to spend time with children her own age.”

“I think that’s a good idea.” I was not the role model she needed; more time with normal undamaged people was good for her. I rolled away from him. Triven would be better off away from me too. But as my body moved from his, he followed. His arm draped over me as his breath tickled my ear. I should have pushed him away, but I didn’t want to. It was selfish, I knew that. I would only hurt him, but I wanted him here. My lips still tingled from where he had kissed me and despite every logical part of my brain, I liked it.

“Why
did
you save me, Triven?” I kept my back to him. It was easier to talk when I didn’t have to look into his eyes.

“The night I saved you in the alley, it wasn’t the first time I saw you.”

I stared hard at the metal door, trying to keep my voice calm. “What do you mean it wasn’t the first time you saw me?”

I could feel his wince. “I had gone to pick up new books for my collection and while I was gathering some books on history, a girl dropped down out of the ceiling vent.”

I flushed with anger at myself. How had I not realized he was there?

“You moved nearly as silently as I did. At first I thought you were a Tribesman, but you showed no signs of belonging to any Tribe. The longer I watched you, the more I began to realize you were a rogue. At first I thought you had come looking for books to burn. I thought about stopping you, but then I realized you were reading them. I had never met another person outside of The Subversive who could read. I was about to approach you when the Ravagers showed up.” Anger singed his tone. “I saw them before you did, but there was no way to warn you. Instead I led them away. By the time I returned you had disappeared.”

“I never even knew you were there.” I admitted. I was now indebted to him twice.

“I know.” He sounded a little smug. “Then that night I found you again. When I realized you were the one in the alley saving the little girl… I had never seen anyone like you. You were utterly captivating. But we weren’t fast enough. At first I thought we were too late, that I would never get to meet the girl who had so quickly stolen my heart, but then you woke up.”

I thought back on all of the times Triven had watched me, each time he had defended me and trusted me. While I had been looking at him for any sign of deception, he had been looking for love. My chest tightened. I wasn’t capable of love, was I? I had read about it, dreamt about it even, but it was a wasted emotion that only caused pain and heartache. But as Triven’s chest rose and fell against me, I felt something. What though, I wasn’t sure.

Cook’s drink was still heavy in my system and I was finding it hard to keep my eyes open. Triven’s breathing had grown deeper as well.

“What’s your real name?” His words slurred a little with sleep.

I had never told anyone this, no one living remembered who I was before I became Phoenix. Arstid knew my parents, but even she knew no details from my past. I waited two heartbeats as I thought and he retracted his question.

“Never mind, sorry to ask. I understand you don’t want to talk about it. Can you tell me why you picked the name Phoenix though?” He stifled a yawn. “It seems to suit you.”

“When my parents died, I was only eleven. I saw the whole thing happen, my mother’s rape, both of my parent’s brutal murders. I remember biting my hand so hard I nearly gagged on my own blood. I wanted to die with them. To forget everything I had just seen. But my mother had told me to survive and I couldn’t bear to let her last words be forgotten. When I finally got out of the storm drain, I realized a large part of me died in that alley with my parents. Maybe that’s why I remember so little of my life before then. Their sweet eleven-year-old child no longer existed. And I was what rose from her ashes.” I swallowed thickly.

“It’s the perfect name.” Triven’s breath warmed my ear. He no longer sounded sleepy. I shuddered, not knowing if it was from being cold or from dredging up old memories. Reflexively, I pressed my back farther into him seeking a comfort that I’d never known before. His arm wrapped over me, anchoring me to him like a safety line.

We lay in silence as the weight of the day dragged us into the world of sleep. Just before I drifted away, I offered him something I hadn’t given to anyone before, the last piece of my old self I had left. As I whispered in the darkness I could feel sleep taking me. But before I succumbed, I heard the sound of my name as he repeated it. It was a name no one had spoken in six years, and a shiver ran down my spine.

“Prea.”

A LOUD BANGING
woke me, jolting me from my dreams. It took me a moment to remember where I was. Something heavy was draped over my body.

The banging vibrated the room and suddenly the pressure on my body was gone. Triven moved swiftly to the door, holding up a finger asking me stay put.

What time was it? How long had we been asleep?

Archer stood in the dim hallway, her eyes uncharacteristically wide with fear. There was blood on her shirt.

I jumped to my feet as Triven’s shoulders tensed. Something was wrong.

“What happened?” His voice was deep, commanding.

“There was a second recon mission. They were meant to retrieve some of the weapons we discovered.” She shook her head, unable to meet our eyes. “The Ravagers ambushed us, two dead and four injured.”

“Who?” Triven’s hands were clenching and unclenching at his sides.

“Marks and Weaver.” Archer stared at his chest. It was the first time I had seen her look ashamed. It made the hairs on my neck stand up.

“Why wasn’t I informed of this?” The tone in his voice sent chills down my spine. This was not the voice of the gentle man I had shared a bed with last night. This was the voice of a military leader.

“The orders came from above, you were not to be involved.” Her eyes flitted to me.

I
was not to be involved. That’s what she meant. Apparently Arstid’s distrust for me had only matured with time. Triven was not informed because of me. He didn’t miss this either. Grabbing my wrist he pushed past Archer, pulling me with him. She looked hurt and ashamed as I glanced back at her. Triven moved with surprising speed through the halls. My usually nimble feet were struggling to keep up. Stragglers from last night’s celebration still lingered in the halls, their curious eyes following our hurried progression. They didn’t know yet.

We paused outside of the doors that led to the round-tabled meeting room. Voices were carrying through the door, but they were too muffled to understand. Only the volume gave away that it was a heated conversation. Triven’s shoulders heaved as he took a deep breath, his hand tightened on mine. As I looked at our intertwined fingers, a dawning realization came over me. For the first night in six years, my parents’ murders hadn’t haunted my dreams. I had awoken in Triven’s arms not because of my muffled screams but because of something else.