No Regrets (20 page)

After a minute of standing in the doorway, I forced my feet forward. The closer I got to the bed, the more I could see. She was covered in a mauve blanket that looked scratchy and not nearly thick enough. Even through the material I could tell her legs were thinner than the last time I'd seen her. When I got closer and caught sight of her bony wrists and arms, it made my chest constrict until I wasn't sure I'd be able to fill my lungs. She was wasting away and there was nothing I could do about it. Nothing anyone could do about it.

The thought hurt more than my own guilt.

When her face finally came into view, I couldn't focus on it through the tears in my eyes. I blinked them away as I stepped closer, and did my best not to look at the tubes coming out of her, hooking her to machines. It hurt too much, knowing they were the only things that kept her alive.

Her skin was so pale. I'd never seen her like that before the accident. Julie had been a beach lover like me. We'd spent so many days lying in the sun together, I'd never be able to count them even if I tried. Now she could probably pass for one of the Cullens. Like she was a vampire, or she hadn't spent a day in the sun in her entire life.

“Hey. Sorry it's been so long since I came by,” I said as I took her hand. It felt unbelievably small in mine. Like a child's. “I have a lot to tell you. I started college, you know. It's been interesting, but not quite as crazy as we'd always thought it would be. Maybe that's because you aren't there with me.”

I lowered myself into the chair at her side, but didn't let go of her hand. The rhythmic
whoosh
of the respirator seemed louder than a drum. A vase overflowing with pink roses sat on the side table. They were fresh, but that was no surprise. There had been fresh flowers the only other times I'd managed to sneak in visits as well. They were always pink, and I knew they were from Julie's mom. It was ironic considering how much Julie hated the color pink.

“So, I met this guy. It's kind of funny, actually. He's British and really cute and an amazing kisser, but he's different than I thought. I didn't expect to really like him, you know? He was just a way to pass the time, something crazy to do.” I sighed and stared at Julie's hand in mine. At the way her pale fingers rested lifelessly against my palm. Like she was a corpse already. “That stuff's hard for me, Julie. I know I promised you I'd be crazy and wild, and I really don't want to disappoint you, but I'm not sure it's me. If you were here, I'd know what to do, but I constantly find myself worrying about making mistakes. Like I did with you.

“I was writing you letters. I know you'll never read them and I know you can't hear me right now, but I did it anyway. Dr. Houseman suggested it. To keep me from talking to you. It helps, at least I think it does. It's hard to tell, really. Some days I feel fine. Some days I forget to miss you and I feel like the old me. The funny, happy me you always knew. Then something will happen that makes me think of you and I feel like I've been punched. Then the guilt comes back, only worse than before. I feel bad for having fun, you know? Do you think you'd feel like that if the situation were reversed?”

The pain in my stomach was so intense I had to stop talking. My throat tightened as I stared down at my best friend. Only she wasn't my best friend anymore. Julie was gone. The empty shell lying in that bed wasn't Julie. It wasn't the same as someone who was in a coma. I was talking to air. Julie couldn't hear me.

The longer I sat there, the more it hit me that I was never going to see Julie again. We would never go shopping together or talk about our dates. She wouldn't be at my wedding and would never have one herself. She'd never have kids or grow old. Julie would forever be a hole in my life that ached to be filled.

My eyes filled with tears I didn't even bother to hold back. They spilled over and ran down my cheeks, dropping onto my jeans. Within seconds the tears had turned to sobs that shook my body so hard it made it impossible to catch my breath.

How the hell was I supposed to say good-bye?

“I guess this is the last time I'm going to see you,” I said through the sobs. If anyone had been around, they wouldn't have been able to understand me. “I didn't expect it to be this hard. It's been almost a year since the accident, and I guess I thought when it finally came to this, it would be a relief. That I'd finally feel some closure. It feels more like someone has jabbed a knife into my heart. I hurt, Julie. I miss you so much that I've turned into this crazy shell of a person who can't make it through the week without talking to a ghost. That's what you are now. A ghost who follows me around, haunting me. I'm afraid you'll always be haunting me.”

I had to stop talking because I was crying too hard. My body trembled and I couldn't catch my breath. Couldn't form real words anymore. So I laid my head on Julie's bed and held her hand and let the tears take over.

 

I didn't tell anyone about Julie. My parents would hear after the fact, but I couldn't say it out loud. Plus, I wouldn't be welcome at the funeral and it just hurt too much to face that reality. It was easier to pretend the whole thing wasn't happening.

The next three days I ignored every one of Liam's calls. I was teetering on the edge of a cliff, and I knew at any moment I'd fall over. All the guilt I'd managed to suppress came back full force, making it difficult to do anything. The closer it got to Julie's inevitable end, the more I found myself looking through old pictures and memorabilia from high school.

It wasn't until I got to our freshman year book that I finally lost it, though.

I was flipping through, looking for pictures of Julie and me, and when I got to the back of the book I found the giant note she'd written. It took up the entire page, making it impossible for anyone else to write on that page. My vision blurred with tears before I could read it, and I tried to blink them away. One escaped and dropped onto the page, right on top of the word
crazy
. Magnifying it. I wiped the rest of the tears from my eyes so I could read the line.

Only I didn't have Julie. She was gone and it was my fault. Here I was enjoying life and moving on like she didn't matter to me at all. It wasn't fair to Julie.

If she wasn't alive, I didn't deserve to be happy.

R
yan and I returned to school, and Annie came back the next day. Her mood seemed as dark as mine, but I was too busy drowning in my own sorrow to wonder why. Bad visit with the overprotective dad, probably.

Liam arrived two days later. By then, he had stopped trying to call me. I knew he'd eventually pop up and demand to know what my problem was, but I couldn't focus on it. Not while knowing Julie's parents were going to end her life support the next day. Not while knowing that two days later there would be a funeral where all the people who loved Julie were welcome to pay their last respects and openly mourn while I sat by myself and cried.

The day I'd been dreading started with a phone call. I was still in bed, skipping classes even though it was the first day of the semester. When my phone rang I was half asleep and too dazed to really think it through, so I answered without looking to see who it was.

“Cami? Are you sick? Annie said you were in bed.”

Even though Liam was the only British guy I knew, it still took me a second to register it was him.

“I'm not—” I had to stop so I could swallow down a few tears. “Feeling great.”

Liam didn't say anything for a few seconds, and when he finally spoke he sounded so hurt it ripped me up just a little bit more. “You've been avoiding me.”

“I can't talk about this right now, Liam. Maybe tomorrow.”

I hung up before he had a chance to say anything, then pulled the blanket over my head, burying myself as far down as I could, using the covers to block everything out. It was early—only nine o'clock— and I wasn't sure what time they were going to take Julie off life support. In my head, I envisioned her family gathered in the hospital room, holding hands while the doctor read over a piece of paper. Her mom would be crying. Probably cursing my name. Her dad would sign something. Then the doctor would yank a plug out of the wall, causing the machines I'd come to know so well to turn off.

I wasn't stupid. I knew that wasn't really how it worked, but lying there with what felt like the world falling down around me, that's how I pictured it. The fact that it was totally unrealistic didn't make it any less devastating. Didn't make my body or heart hurt any less.

I didn't leave bed all day except to go to the bathroom, and I spent most of my time dozing off. Annie asked me how I was whenever she came through, and I lied every time. Telling her I had a bug. I just needed to rest. Tomorrow I'd be okay.

When I woke and saw that it was after six o'clock, I knew it was over. Julie was gone. Somehow, I'd expected to feel different. Like a part of me really was missing. But that's not how I felt. If anything, I was numb.

I kicked off the covers and rolled over onto my back, staring up into the dark room. Annie wasn't around and I had no clue where she was, but at that moment I was glad to be alone. I needed to think things through. Decide what I was going to do. I'd spent the day hiding, but I couldn't hide forever. Tomorrow I had to move forward, either with Liam or with my promise to Julie. But which direction should I take? One would hurt someone I really cared about, but the other would hurt me. I was sure of it.

“Okay, Julie,” I said, blinking back the tears. “You're gone now. It sucks so much that I seriously have no idea where to go from here. I like Liam. A lot. But no matter how I spin it, I can't justify it in my head. You'll never have the chance to fall in love, so how can I?”

My chest constricted as if someone had reached inside to grab my heart, and I took a deep breath. I held it until the pain subsided. My lungs began to burn and then my throat. The pain in my chest didn't lessen, so I finally let out all the air.

I wasn't sure if the throbbing in my heart was from losing Liam or Julie. Maybe both.

Getting out of bed the next morning was rough. My body ached worse than when I was hung over, and my hands shook the entire time I applied my makeup. But I had a smile pasted on my lips. To me it felt so fake, I thought my face might crack, but Annie didn't seem to notice that anything was off.

I kept up a constant stream of chatter. “So I gave it a lot of thought over the break and decided this thing with me and Liam has to end. I mean, I'm eighteen. I can't settle down yet, no matter how hot or amazing in bed the guy is. And he is amazing, trust me! Things have been too tame up until now. We're in college! We should go out and party. This weekend, I'm taking you to a bar and I don't want to hear any arguments.”

“Yeah, okay.”

Annie shrugged as if she didn't care, but she'd been really down since she got back from California. A part of me wanted to ask what was going on, but I knew I couldn't focus on her problems. If I added any more stress to my life, I was pretty sure it would crush me.

“Good, glad we're on the same page.” I spun around to face her, flashing my biggest smile. “Now wish me luck! I'm off to break Liam's heart.”

Annie frowned and her eyebrows pulled down. “Good luck?”

I shrugged and practically skipped to the door, which was total overkill, but I couldn't stop myself. My body had been taken over by fake Cami. The Cami who'd been in control of my life since Julie's accident. The one who was always happy and smiling.

Liam was already waiting for me at Starbucks when I walked in. He had a coffee for me, just like always. Even though it hurt my heart just a little, I didn't accept it when he held it out. He put the cup down and frowned as I dropped into the chair across from him. It was obvious from the expression on his face he knew what was coming.

“How was your time at home?” I asked, smiling as if everything was totally normal.

“Bloody brilliant,” he muttered.

I smiled and flipped my hair over my shoulder. “Good. Listen, we have to talk. I think you got the wrong idea before. I didn't totally get it until I was home and you were calling every day, but it's clear now that we've had a bit of a miscommunication. I told you from the beginning this was casual, and I thought you understood.”

Liam shook his head and I swear his eyes shimmered. “What happened at my dad's beach house wasn't fucking casual.”

My throat tightened, but I'd become an expert at hiding my true feelings. So I pursed my lips and tried to make it look like I was losing my patience, even though my legs were shaking. “It was for me.”

Liam swallowed and looked away. He didn't respond.

“I was just having a good time, and I thought you were too.”

He sat back and stared at me unblinkingly for a moment. Then he said, “So this is how it's going to be? You got what you wanted from me and now you're going to walk away. Like none of it meant a bloody thing. Like I didn't take you into my dad's house and tell you things I've never even told Ryan!”

People turned to look our way and I tried to act as if it was no big deal, but my face got warm. Liam didn't even blink.

“This is karma, isn't it? All those times I shagged girls and shoved them off when they asked for more. Now you're doing the same fucking thing to me. That's it, isn't it?”

I rolled my eyes and pushed out my chair. More people were looking and I wanted to get out of there as fast as possible. “This isn't some kind of conspiracy, Liam. Get over yourself.”

“Cami!” Liam jumped to his feet and took a step forward. But he must have thought better of whatever he was going to say, because he shook his head.

“I'm sure I'll see you around, Liam. If it makes you feel any better, I had a good time with you.”

The expression on his face felt like a dagger in my heart, but I was pretty sure whatever he was feeling was a million times worse. That's when I really started hating myself.

 

After that I went through every day feeling like a fraud. I smiled and laughed and acted like I couldn't be happier, but inside I was in pieces.

Every weekend was a party. I dragged Annie to bars and flirted with any guy who would look my way, and drank until the world became fuzzy. Until my brain stopped working and I stopped thinking about how Julie was gone for good. Until that heartbroken look on Liam's face blurred and I could barely even remember his name.

By the time February rolled around, I was like a robot—a robot programmed to go to class and socialize and drink until it blacked out. My life was spiraling out of control. It was like I was caught in a tornado that twisted everything until I didn't recognize it.

I'd gotten so good at putting on a fake smile that no one seemed to notice. It helped that I spent most of my time with Annie, who was going through her own drama. If I had been a whole person, I might have been concerned about her. It was obvious she was having a tough time, and we didn't even talk about her list anymore. But I was too focused on self-medicating with alcohol, and in my troubled brain the best solution for whatever she was going through was to drag her to every bar in town.

Even Ryan, who had once been so invested in protecting me from myself, was dangerously absent. I'd always hated his fake parenting, but for some reason his absence made me feel even more abandoned. Chris avoided me because of Annie, and Liam was so hurt and angry, he wouldn't even look at me. Every day I hated who I was a little more, which only made me want to drink harder. So I could forget, numb the pain in my body, and pretty much pretend I was someone else.

On the second Friday in February, I was already getting ready for the night when Annie got back from her run. She stomped through the door, covered in sweat, and practically ran to the bathroom. The look on her face made me freeze in the middle of applying my mascara. Hopefully, she wasn't about to get sick. I needed her to go out with me.

I was all geared up for a fight when Annie came out of the bathroom after her shower. Every weekend she seemed to be even less enthusiastic about going out. Surprisingly, though, I didn't even have to bring it up.

“Where are we going tonight?” she asked, ripping her closet open and narrowing her eyes at the clothes.

“You want to go out?” I arched an eyebrow and watched her sort through the clothes in her closet. Something really was up with her.

She nodded as she pulled out a green dress. “Yup. I need a break.”

“Me too,” I said, turning back to my mirror, thankful that I wouldn't have to talk her into it.