No Regrets (16 page)

I
figured Thanksgiving break would be the perfect time to catch my breath and figure out what I wanted to do about Liam. I did really like him. If I said otherwise, I'd be lying. But was I ready to take the next step and settle down? Wouldn't that be giving up?

Since California was so far away, Annie was coming home with Ryan and me for the break. I was really looking forward to the holiday. My high school friends would be home and Annie would be there. We were going to work on her list, maybe get a tattoo or something. It was going to be a relaxing time away from Liam and all the confusion I'd been feeling.

It was always good to be home.

My heart leapt when Ryan turned the car down our driveway, and I leaned forward, trying to get a better look at the house through the ancient live oak trees with the Spanish moss swaying from their branches. The old, white house came into view and I bounced in my seat. I was so excited to introduce Annie to my parents and show her where Ryan and I had grown up. Our house was like something straight out of
Gone with the Wind
. I'd spent countless days on that porch when I was little, imagining I was Scarlett O'Hara. Of course, that's when I was young and stupid and thought living back in that time period would have been romantic. Then I got older and realized how hot and disgusting it must have been. That was before the days of deodorant and indoor plumbing, after all. I bet everyone stank to high heaven.

“Can you see the Ashley River?” I asked Annie, pointing toward the backyard.

I looked over my shoulder, smiling excitedly, but she barely nodded. Her face was so pale, she looked like she was about to be sick. Probably just nervous at the thought of meeting my parents. I knew how uncomfortable she was around new people.

Ryan slammed the car into park right in front of the porch and I lurched forward. If I hadn't been wearing a seat belt, my head would have hit the dashboard.

“What's your deal, Ryan? You and Jess have a fight or something?”

He'd barely spoken since we got in the car. Something had to be going on with the girl he was dating.

“Drop it, Cami,” Ryan snapped. “Jess and I are not fighting. It's not like that.”

I climbed out of the car, frowning. He didn't have to be a jerk about it. I was in a good mood and his temper tantrum was bringing me down. “What do you mean ‘it's not like that'?”

Ryan slammed the car door when he got out, and I swear the whole thing shook. You would have thought he was the Incredible Hulk or something.

“We're not serious. The thing with us is just . . .” He took a deep breath. “A way to pass the time, I guess.”

They weren't serious? I wasn't too shocked since I'd called it from the beginning, but I was still annoyed. I'd finally bothered to learn her name, and now it seemed that I'd wasted my time. Figured.

“Then you must be having PMS, because you're moodier than a woman.” I turned away from Ryan before he could say anything else, and flashed a smile toward Annie. “Come on! You need to meet my mama.”

“My suitcase—” Annie stammered.

She wasn't any better than Ryan. They must have been on the same cycle or something.

I grabbed her arm and pulled her toward the porch. “Ryan will get the bags.”

The front door opened before we were halfway up the stairs, and Mama walked out smiling. She was dressed impeccably in a pink sweater set and khaki pants, wearing the string of pearls that had once belonged to my grandma and would one day be mine. She always looked like she was on the way to church.

“Well, here they are!” She wrapped me in a hug, then planted a kiss on my cheek before turning to Annie. “And you must be Annie. It's so nice to have you here.”

Ryan huffed up the stairs behind Annie and she glanced his way. Her eyes were huge.

“Thanks for having me, Mrs. Summers.”

Mama gave Annie a reassuring smile. “Call me Becky, please.”

Ryan dropped the suitcases on the porch and wrapped his big arms around Mama. He squeezed so tight I could actually hear all the air leave her lungs. She squealed when her feet left the porch. Ryan was finally smiling when he set her down, and I was relieved. I'd been worried he would be in a crappy mood the whole break.

Mama fanned herself and giggled, then motioned toward the door. “Bring your stuff in the house! It's sweltering out here.”

Annie reached for her suitcase at the same time as Ryan, and their hands touched. Ryan jerked his back so fast, you'd think he'd touched a hot stovetop.

Annie's cheeks turned red and she looked away. “Sorry,” she mumbled.

“I'll get it.” Ryan waved his hand toward the door while he kept his eyes trained on the floor. He acted like he couldn't stand looking at her. It was so weird.

I crossed my arms and tapped my toe, and watched my cousin. I was starting to think Ryan had some kind of issue with Annie. He'd been acting weird all day, and the more I thought about it, the more it seemed like he'd been avoiding her lately. There were times I'd invited him to lunch and he acted like he was going to show up, but as soon as he found out Annie was going to be there, he backed out. I couldn't figure out exactly why he wouldn't like Annie—she was sweeter than pralines—but all signs pointed that way.

Annie gave me a smile that was faker than Amber's boobs, then hurried inside. I narrowed my eyes on Ryan's face. If only I could read his mind.

He ran his hand through his hair. “Are you going to give Annie a tour?”

“Yeah,” I said slowly. “I'll get right on it.”

Ryan looked away. There was something going on for sure, and I was determined to get to the bottom of it before we went back to school. I didn't like the idea of Annie and Ryan not getting along.

 

After dinner that night, Annie jumped in the shower and I saw it as my perfect opportunity to get some information out of Ryan.

I searched the house, only to find him on the back porch, sitting in the dark. He had a glass of sweet tea in his hand and was staring off into the distance. He looked like he was in another world.

“Hey,” I said, plopping down next to him on the wicker sofa. “Why are you sitting in the dark?”

“Just thinking,” he said.

He took a drink of his tea and didn't even look my way. I turned toward the backyard, trying to figure out what he was looking at. The moon was full, or almost full anyway. It reflected off the swirling waters of the Ashley River and gave the Spanish moss a creepy appearance. As far as I could tell, everything was exactly the same as the last time we'd been home.

Ryan didn't say anything, and I decided since he wasn't going to share whatever was on his mind, I'd get straight to the point. “So what's going on between you and Annie?”

The ice in Ryan's tea clinked against the glass, and he slowly turned to face me. It was too dark to see the expression on his face. “What?”

“You and Annie. You act like you can't stand to be around her. Something must be going on.”

He exhaled and shook his head, then laughed as if I'd told a joke. I didn't get it.

“Nothing's going on between me and Annie.”

“Seriously? How can you say that and think I'll believe you? Every time she gets close to you, you act like you want to run away.”

Ryan took another drink, and even in the darkness I could see how much his hands were shaking. Was he mad? It was all so strange! Ryan hardly ever got mad at anyone, and Annie was probably one of the easiest people to get along with I'd ever met.

When he put his glass down, he said, “What's going on between you and Liam?”

“Way to change the subject, Ryan.”

“I'm serious, Cami. I know you two have been sneaking around together. I'm not dumb. Liam swore to me he's being a gentleman. The crazy thing is, I actually believe him! Liam's a nice guy, but he doesn't exactly get to know the girls he brings home. This seems different.”

My throat tightened. “I don't know why, but it is different for him.”

“Just for him?”

My face got warm and I said a silent thank-you that it was dark. “I don't know.”

I'd wanted to take this break from Liam so I could figure out what was going on, but I hadn't really expected Ryan to bring it up. It was my fault, I guess. I did stick my nose into his business first. So what if he didn't like Annie? They didn't have to be buddies just because she was my friend. It wasn't as if I hadn't had lots of friends Ryan didn't like. It was kind of the defining characteristic of my friends, actually.

Ryan sighed and leaned back in the sofa. He acted like talking about relationships wore him out. Maybe it had to do with whatever was going on with Jess.

“Would you care?” I asked. “If Liam and I started dating?”

He shook his head, but didn't look away from the ceiling. “I just want you to be happy and safe, Cami. I want you to put a stop to this wild streak you've been on, and if Liam's the one who's going to do that for you, then great.”

“Okay, thanks.”

It was nice to get Ryan's blessing, but I still didn't know what I was going to do. I hadn't written to Julie in a long time, and I had barely talked to her lately. My life seemed to revolve around Liam.

I scooted closer to Ryan and leaned my head against his arm. “It's okay if you don't like Annie. Sorry I butted in.”

Ryan sighed and shifted so he could put his arm around me. “I like Annie. I just have some stuff going on. That's all.”

That made two of us.

“Okay,” I said, staring out over the Ashley. It was kind of nice, sitting there in the darkness with Ryan. Listening to the river. Relaxing. There weren't many people I felt that relaxed with. Mama and Ryan.

And Liam.

Shit. What the hell was I going to do about Liam?

 

Liam actually called me while I was home. It made my insides turn gooey and warm. Made me genuinely happy, which was something I wasn't used to. He was spending the holiday at his biological father's lavish beach house, trying to get to know the man who'd given him life. It wasn't easy for him, but he was making the effort anyway. The more I got to know Liam, the more I liked him. Which just made the whole thing even more confusing.

A
nnie and I went out with my high school friends Monday night, but as awesome as it was to see them and hear about all the fun they were having in college, it made me miss Julie even more. It was like hearing about the accident all over again. The aching pain radiating through my chest was almost paralyzing, it was so intense. It took my breath away.

I spent all of Tuesday with a fake smile painted on my face while I did my best to shake off the crushing pain of Julie's loss, but it was hopeless. Like trying to treat a gunshot wound with a Band-Aid.

I needed to see Julie.

Wednesday night I gave in to the need. I told Annie and Ryan and my parents I was going out with friends again—thank God Annie didn't want to go—but instead borrowed Mama's car and drove to the hospital.

My palms were moist by the time I parked, and walking up to the main entrance made me break out in a cold sweat. My heart started pounding the second I walked through the door. I hadn't been to see Julie since right before I left for school. Even though I'd thought about coming to see her a million times, I was too afraid I'd run into her parents. The memory of Julie's mom screaming at me to get away from her daughter was burned into my mind. Sometimes I even dreamed about it.

My feet moved on their own, and in what felt like the blink of an eye I found myself staring out onto Julie's floor as the elevator door slid open. I didn't even remember the trip through the hospital, and by the time my brain registered that I was in the right place, the doors had begun to slide shut. I bolted forward, slipping through the crack just in time.

Then I froze. The elevator doors shut behind me, but I couldn't move. The hall stretched out in front of me, seeming to go on forever. My legs didn't feel strong enough to support me when I took my first step, but, miraculously, they didn't give out. The ache in my stomach intensified with each step I took.

I was three doors down from Julie's room when Mr. Wilson stepped out and my whole body turned to ice. His head was down, eyes focused on the floor. His scalp was visible through his black hair, and it struck me like a punch to the gut how much thinner it had gotten since Julie's accident. He was practically bald now.

When he raised his head, his gaze locked with mine. His eyes grew wide, and just like me, he seemed to freeze. My heart jumped to my throat, and even though I had the urge to run, I couldn't make my body cooperate. All I could do was stand there and stare at my best friend's father. How many times had I spent the night at this man's house? How many Saturday mornings had Julie and I laughed as we ate the doughnuts he'd bought for us? How many times had he dropped us off at the mall, telling us to be careful? I couldn't have counted them if I'd tried. But here, standing in front of him, it was like looking into the eyes of a stranger.

“Mr. Wilson,” I began, my tongue feeling heavy and swollen in my mouth, “I-I came to see Julie.”

He didn't blink or smile or frown or seem to react at all. If I didn't know better, I would have thought he was a mannequin.

I took a step forward, but he still didn't react, and deep inside me something began to tingle. A flicker of hope that I might find peace. That maybe the Wilsons had finally forgiven me. That we'd be able to grieve the loss of Julie together.

Then Mrs. Wilson stepped into the hallway behind her husband and that flicker disintegrated into a puff of steam that felt like it was scorching my skin from the inside out. Her mouth scrunched up and in the blink of an eye her skin reddened until she looked like she was on the verge of bursting. Her body shook. I could feel the vibrations from ten feet away, like an earthquake shaking the hospital.

She took three steps forward, passing her husband, who was still frozen in place. “You!” Her words echoed through the hall, slamming into me so hard, I was forced to take a step back. “What the hell are you doing here?”

“I-I came to see Julie.” My voice was so quiet, I doubt she heard it. Not that it would matter. Mrs. Wilson didn't care what I had to say.

She took another step toward me. “You have no right to be here. Do you understand me? You don't even have a right to be alive!”

I jolted back so fast my feet almost got tangled together. It felt like someone had reached their hand into my chest and twisted my heart. “Please,” I said, not even sure of what I was begging her for.

Mrs. Wilson didn't give me a chance to say anything else. “No!” she screamed, the word ripping its way out of her so violently that it had to have bruised her esophagus. Behind her, people stuck their heads out into the hall and a couple of nurses headed our way, speed-walking past the gawking patients and family members who acted like this was
The Young and the Restless
, not a hospital.

“My baby girl, my daughter, has been reduced to nothing because she went out to that party with you! Instead of going off to college and getting older, she's stuck in a bed. Wasting away. She can't hear us or talk to us, or join in on life.”

Mrs. Wilson's voice cracked and sobs shook her shoulders so violently it looked like she was having a seizure. Finally, Mr. Wilson woke up and hurried to his wife's side. He wrapped his arms around her, pulled her close, and comforted her.

A couple of nurses stopped beside the grieving parents, whispering words of comfort that were too quiet for me to hear while a third hurried my way. The frown on her face told me how unwelcome I really was. I was an intruder in the Wilsons' lives. A constant reminder that their daughter's life was over.

“Miss,” the nurse heading my way hissed. “You're going to have to leave.”

“I just wanted to see my friend,” I said, feeling shell-shocked and lost.

The nurse shook her head. “Leave or I'll call security.”

I nodded as I turned to the elevator. My whole body shook while I waited for the doors to open, and behind me Mrs. Wilson never stopped crying. If anything, her sobs grew louder. When the doors opened, I stepped inside and pressed the button, looking up only to see the nurse still glaring at me. I guess she thought I was to blame as well.

“It should have been her.” Mrs. Wilson's words reached me just before the elevator doors slid shut.

An intense pain cut through me and all the air left my lungs, making it difficult to even stand. I slumped against the wall of the elevator when my legs wobbled, feeling more alone and lost than ever before.

 

The next day was Thanksgiving, which meant Mama was up before the sun. I snuck out of bed pretty early myself so I could help her. It was kind of a tradition with us, and after the disaster at the hospital, I needed something normal and stable. Plus, most people wouldn't have guessed it by looking at me, but I actually enjoyed all that domestic stuff.

The turkey and pies were already in the oven when I got downstairs, and Mama even had a cup of coffee waiting for me. When I walked into the kitchen, she gave me a smile that made my heart feel almost whole again. Almost.

“Why don't you start peeling those?” Since she was almost elbow deep in dough, she had to nod toward the giant pile of potatoes.

I got to work on the potatoes, and we lapsed into a comfortable silence. She was the only person I could be quiet around for a long period of time, and vice versa. I definitely got my chatterbox personality from her. My brain was still buzzing and my heart was heavy with grief, but just being home helped me feel a little more whole.

“How are things going with Dr. Houseman?” she asked after a while, making me instantly wish we could go back to the silence.

My face got hot and I looked over my shoulder to make sure Annie hadn't snuck down the stairs while my back was turned. Thankfully, we were still alone.

“Shh. Annie doesn't know about all that.”

“Cami, there is no shame in being in therapy.”

Easy for her to say. “Whatever. I don't want anyone to know.”

Mama huffed and went back to kneading the dough in front of her. “That girl isn't going to think any less of you. It might even help to open up to her. Maybe she'll understand.”

I rolled my eyes and put all my energy into peeling the potatoes.

She didn't know what she was talking about. Annie had secrets she wasn't sharing with me. I knew something big had happened to make her dad so protective, but whenever I asked, she changed the subject. How could I be expected to share all the crazy in my life if she wasn't going to do the same?

“You didn't answer my question,” Mama said after a few minutes of silence.

I sighed. She wasn't going to let it go unless I answered, so I figured I should just get it over with. “Fine. I go every week. We talk about school and Julie and anything else that's bugging me. Then I leave.”

“Do you think it's helping?”

My whole body stiffened and I squeezed the potato so hard it flew out of my hand and shot across the counter. I scrambled after it.

Helping? I guess it depended on what side you were on. Sure, I was talking to Julie less, barely even writing to her anymore. But I'd abandoned her. So from my parents' perspective, therapy was helping me get better. I wasn't sure if it was from mine, though. Now I had both the guilt from the accident and from feeling like I'd ditched Julie.

“Yeah, Mama,” I said, going back to my potato peeling. “It's helping.”

No sense making her feel as awful as I did.

“Good.”

Mama started humming, and just like that I had more guilt.

There had been a time when my life was easy and simple, but all that disappeared with Julie's accident. Now I felt like I was wearing a Cami costume. I laughed and partied and tried to be wild, but most of the time my insides didn't match.

Maybe I'd feel better if Julie's parents could forgive me. But after yesterday, I knew it wasn't going to happen any time soon.

“Have you seen them?” I asked, then realized she didn't know who I was talking about. “The Wilsons, I mean. Have you seen them at all lately?”

Mama's humming stopped, and I snuck a peek at her out of the corner of my eye. She wasn't looking my way, but her back was stiff. My parents had been friends with Julie's at one point, but just like everything else in our lives, that changed after the accident. Mama's an understanding woman, but even she couldn't hold her tongue when Julie's mom went around telling everyone I was to blame for the accident.

“No,” she whispered.

“I was just wondering.”

“Let's not talk about all that, Cami. It's Thanksgiving.” She went back to kneading the dough, but her back was just as tense.

I knew she was crying, so I let the whole thing go. There was no point in making Mama hurt as badly as I did.

 

When we got back to school, Annie dumped Chris for good. I wasn't surprised, really. Chris had always been the clingy kind of guy and it just seemed like too much for Annie. It was obvious there was more going on with her than she was telling me, but I didn't press her for information—mainly because I didn't want anyone looking too closely at me.

The Monday after Thanksgiving I talked to Liam. It was about as uncomfortable as wearing high heels that were two sizes too small.

He was waiting in the coffee shop when I showed up, and the smile he shot my way made me cringe inside and out. I know, because his smile melted away when he saw the look on my face. Damn. I guess I shouldn't play poker.

He kissed my cheek, and we sat down at the table. He'd already ordered coffee for both of us. A caramel macchiato for me: my favorite. The fact that he knew that made my stomach clench in sadness.

Yeah, I wasn't too happy with myself for what I was about to do.

“How was your Thanksgiving?” I asked, sipping my coffee.

It was a cop-out and we both knew it. We'd talked on the phone during the break, so I knew he'd been miserable. Apparently, his dad was bound and determined to make up for missing the first eighteen years of his life. Too bad Liam wasn't having it. He was a nice guy, and usually very understanding, but his father might be the only person he couldn't forgive.

“Rubbish,” Liam said. “Total rubbish. He's an arse who thinks he can buy me off with a car.”

One of my eyebrows shot up. “He bought you a car?”

“A BMW, of all things.” Liam shook his head and gritted his teeth like he was trying to keep all the bad things he had to say about his dad inside. “I took the bloody thing, of course. May drive it off the pier one night, though.”

I was in the middle of a drink when he said it. The liquid went down the wrong pipe, making me cough and sputter. Liam smacked me on the back and I covered my mouth while my eyes watered.

It took me almost five minutes to say, “Don't do that!”

Liam chuckled. “I haven't lost the plot.”

My face scrunched up. “What?”

“Gone crazy,” he said, grinning even wider.

“Oh, okay. That's good.”

He laughed for a few seconds longer, but it slowly faded away. When I looked up, he was watching me closely. It was obvious from the pain in his blue eyes that he knew what I was going to say, which made me feel even worse. I didn't know when he'd started liking me so much or what was so special about me that made him see me differently from other girls, but it was clear he had fallen head over heels.

Too bad I just couldn't do it.

“While I was gone, I gave a lot of thought to what you said about not being casual.”

He nodded and opened his mouth as if he was going to say something, then shut it and shook his head. He wanted to hear what I had to say before he made a fool of himself, and I got it.