No Regrets (Live Today #2) (2 page)

Jenna

“Drew, I can’t do this anymore.” I cry as my body convulses from the withdrawal of using so much the other day. I don’t remember having this problem the last time, but Brennan said it was because my body detoxed while I was unconscious.

“You’re doing great Jenna.” He says as he holds my trembling body down onto the bed. “It’s been two days and the episodes are getting farther apart.” My body fights as his arms keep a firm hold on me. All I want to do is leave to go find more. At least that’s what my body keeps telling me. But I know that my mind and my heart is ashamed for using in the first place.

“Bathroom!” I screech. He releases me and I make a bee-line to the toilet. He follows me in and holds me while I dry heave. Once the sensation is gone, I rest my head on the seat until he pulls me into his arms and holds me until my body shakes slow, replacing them with tears. “I’m so sorry Drew.” I begin to cry. My mood shifts dramatically. One minute, I’m fighting and the next I’m filled with sorrow.

“Shhh. It’s okay Jenna, it’s okay.” He hushes me as he holds and comforts me.

“See, that one wasn’t so bad now was it?” He asks, I don’t answer as I let the tears continue to fall. We remain like this for quite some time before we decide to get up and make it back to the bed. He insists that I take a shower to get the sweat and grime off me. So slowly, I gather my things and take them to the bathroom once I feel stable enough to stand alone.

“Drew.” I ask softly.

“Yeah?” He answers looking at me with concern.

“When can we leave?”

He takes a deep breath before responding. “I was thinking maybe tomorrow, that’s if you can keep food down. Does that sound okay?” He asks.

“That’s fine. I just want to get away from here. I know we aren’t that far from Gabe.” I mention as I make my way to the bathroom. I don’t dare tell him that what I really want to do is run back to him and pretend none of this ever happened.

I shower quickly, only sitting twice when I get dizzy and weak. I call for Drew to help me out since I’ve lost almost all of my energy. My body is weak from being tortured by the poison I put into it. The fact that I have refused food since we left doesn’t help my system either. He comes in and helps me dry off, and get dressed. Thankfully there isn’t any sexual attraction between us, all I can think of while I dress is Gabriel. I wonder what he would think if he knew Drew has helped me get out of the shower and dress me. I actually know how he would react. I try to hold back those emotions, but a tear slowly escapes me as I dress.

Drew insists that I stay in the bathroom with him as he takes his shower, he does so quickly. He still doesn’t trust me to be in the room alone as he thinks I will bolt and look for another fix. But honestly, I don’t have the energy to go out even if I tried. And I think if I ever saw it again, it would be too soon. Because I don’t feel like arguing with Drew right now, I agree to his request and sit on the sink’s countertop and make small talk with him until he’s finished, keeping my eyes closed when he enters and exits the shower.

About an hour later, we find ourselves sitting at the corner diner down the street. I don’t have much of an appetite, but the look on Drew’s face tells me that I need to at least try to put something in my body. Deciding on a club sandwich and fries, I excuse myself to the restroom. I know he is watching me the entire time, but I don’t care. I need few minutes to myself.

Making my way back, the food arrives quicker than I expected. I pick up a fry and I play with the ketchup for a moment when I finally get the courage to ask. “When can I get my phone back?”

He stops just before taking a bite of his burger before answering. “I’m not sure exactly. But I do know you won’t get it back tonight or tomorrow.” He takes another bite. I bring my fry to my mouth. It takes all of me to chew and swallow it down.

“Has he called?”

He puts his burger down and sighs and chews. Once he’s finished he answers. “You know the answer to that Jenna. I have your phone shut off for that reason alone. So I can imagine your voicemail is completely full with messages from him. He’s calls me at least once every hour, if not twice, but I just silence it. I have no intentions to talk to him right now. You may have started to forgive him or feel sorry for him. Whatever… But I’m still kind of pissed off at him if you want to know the truth.” I begin to ask another question but he cuts me off. “Stop Jenna. Just eat please. We have a lot to talk about when we get back.”

I decide to let it go and begin to eat slowly. I manage to get half of the sandwich down and a handful of fries before the bill comes. I ask for a to-go box to please Drew. I honestly have no intention of eating anymore.

~~~

“Want to talk about it?” Drew questions as we lay on our beds facing each other. As much as I want to, I just can’t. I close my eyes as I shake my head. “Jems, we need to talk. It’s the first step to healing. You know this.”

“I don’t know what to say.”

“Well,” He says, “What if we start from the beginning?” I open my eyes and look into his. “Let’s start with your mom.”

“What about her?” I argue. “There’s nothing to say about her that you don’t already know. She walked out of our lives, only to return twenty years later with a shitload of money that I want none of. Even out of our lives, she’s been a major part of it for so long.”

He takes a deep breath. “What you said in the bathroom at Gabe’s parent’s house was a little different. You mentioned that you needed her.”

“How many times did you need your mom? Of course I needed her. I was raised by guys Drew.” My eyes fill with moisture. He takes that as a cue to crawl out of his bed and join me in mine. He pulls me onto his chest as he hold me as I sob. “I didn’t know who she was. I have so many unanswered questions for her that I will never get an answer for now. I don’t want her money. I don’t even want to go to the service. I just wish I could have answers.”

“I know.” He kisses the top of my head. “I knew you didn’t want the money all along. I understand you’re doing this for Brennan.”

“Not just him.” I interrupt. “I’m doing it for all of you.” I decide to let him know what I plan on doing with part of it. “I was actually wanting to donate some of the money to a foundation for kids like me and Brennan.”

“Jenna, I think that’s a great idea. I know you don’t believe me right now, but you must know that I think you are one of the strongest women I know. I envy your strength babe.” I hold him tighter. “If you want, I can help you out with research. I’m sure dad will have some ideas or even places he may know of.” He says.

“Thank you.” I whisper.

“Anytime Jems.” He replies. “What about Gabe?”

Shaking my head rapidly. “No. I don’t want to talk about that right now.”

“Jenna, in order to move forward, you need to get it out. Sober.”

“I know that Drew. I just can’t right now. Okay? All I know is I miss him badly and I still love him deeply.”

He kisses my head again. “Okay Jenna.” He tries to shift away from me, but I hold onto him tighter.

“No, don’t.” I plead. “Can you just stay here with me until I fall asleep?” I ask.

“Anything you need babe. Anything.” He reassures me, kissing my forehead. I close my eyes. He holds me for a while until I drift off to sleep. 

~~~

“Look mommy.” I squeal with excitement running up to her with a butterfly in my hands. “Looky what I caught.”

“That’s nice Jenna.” Mommy says as she sits on the back porch not looking at me as she reads a letter she got from the nice mail man earlier. Mommy looks sad.

“Mommy?” I ask snapping her from her letter.

“I’m sorry sweetie, what?” She asks. “What do you have there?” She looks into my hands. I was going to keep the butterfly for me, but I want to make mommy happy.

“A butterfly mommy. I caught it for you.” I whisper trying not to scare the butterfly as I open my hands to show her. “It’s pretty, like you.” I look up at her and present her with the pretty purple butterfly.

A tear forms in her eyes and she smiles sweetly. “Oh no my beautiful baby girl.” She says as she takes it in her hands. “This butterfly is as beautiful as you are my precious Jem.” Carefully she lifts me up onto her lap. “I want you to remember this Jenna. I want you to always remember how beautiful you are and how much mommy loves you. When you grow up, you will be the light that shines so bright that people will just fall in love with you simply with your smile. You have a heart of pure gold my sweet, sweet baby girl. And I know that no matter what, you will live each day with no regrets. You will meet the man of your dreams. I know this makes no sense to you now because boys are yucky.” I make an icky face. “But one day it will.” She kisses the top of my head as she releases the butterfly.

“When the time is right Jenna, I want you to fly, just like the pretty butterfly.” We watch the pretty butterfly fly away. “Be happy my princess. Don’t settle for the first prince you see. You will know when you meet him. And when you do, I wish that you will live happy and with all your heart. Always keep Brennan close to you Jenna. Because when all is said and done, you will need him and he will need you. Don’t fight with your brother. Always kiss and make up. Okay?” She asks.

“Okay mommy.” I answer, I don’t know what she means, but mommy is sad and I want to make her smile. She hugs me tightly and whispers in my ear.

“How about some Dairy Queen before daddy and Brennan come home?” Her excitement makes me smile. I nod greedily. “This is our little secret okay?”

The next day I walk home from school with Matty’s mommy. She didn’t say why she was picking me up today, but I like Aunt Patty, she always brings me cookies. As we walk in the living room, Brennan is crying.

“Bennan?” I ask. “What’s da matter Bennan?” Is he sick? Did he fall and get hurt? He pats the seat on the couch next to him. “Bennan, where’s mommy?” I ask sitting next to him. “Where’s daddy?” He takes a deep breath and looks at Aunt Patty before talking.

“Jenna, mommy won’t be coming home anymore.” I don’t understand.

“Did I do something wong Bennan?” I’m afraid to ask. “I pwomise to keep all the Daiwy Qween twips a secret. I pwomised mommy I would.” My chest hurts. “I’ll be good Bennan. I pwomise I will be good.” Aunt Patty sobs from the front door.

“You didn’t do anything wrong Jems. I promise you.” He pulls me onto his lap. “Mommy just didn’t want to be with us anymore.” He begins to cry. “I will take care of us Jenna. Dad and I will be here forever, okay?”

~~~

Sitting up in the bed covered in sweat. “Jesus Jenna, what’s wrong?” Drew sits up rapidly wiping the sleep from his eyes.

“She knew she was leaving Drew.” I cry out.

“What?” He sits on the edge of his bed. “What do you mean?”

“I remember it all.” I sob into my hands. “She told me to shine, she told me to take care of Brennan. She was saying goodbye to me and I didn’t even know it.” I repeat the dream I just had.

“Damn. Jenna, you were barely five years old, you wouldn’t have known any different.” He comes and sits beside me comforting me once again. “You didn’t know sweetheart.”

I rest my head on his lap as exhaustion takes over me. I let all the emotions out. “I just wish I had a chance to beg her to stay, Drew. I wish I knew what we did wrong for her to leave us. What was in that letter she was reading? I just want to yell and scream at her for leaving us for all those years. I hate her Drew. I hate her so much.”

“Shhh, you don’t hate her, you hate what she did” He tries to reassure me as he runs his fingers through my hair to calm me. “It’s okay to have those feelings Jenna. Just get it out so you can move forward.” He comforts me. I sob and cry myself to sleep.

~~~

              The sound of Drew’s soft voice wakes me. He’s still lying beside me which is calming. I don’t bother to let him know I’m awake just yet, so I listen.

“Yeah. She’s doing better. I finally got her to eat half of her dinner last night. This was the first time since breakfast the day we left there.” He rests his hand gently on my shoulder and rubs his thumb in soft circles. “Yeah, she hasn’t thrown up since yesterday.” Nice to know they are keeping track of my puking cycle.

“We made a breakthrough last night. She had a bad dream. I think it was the first time she’s dreamt about your mom.” There is a short pause. “Yeah, your mom. She thinks she did something wrong. She remembers the day before your mom left left. She said Ally had a letter in her hand when she ran up with a butterfly. Pulled her on her lap and told her how special she was.” Another pause. “I don’t know man. She’s pretty shattered.”

He stays quiet for a little longer as he listens to Brennan talk. “You’ve got to be shitting me?” Silence. “And you believe Gabe?” Now my hearing senses are on full alert. What about Gabe?

“Ah man.” Silence. “No, I don’t want to go back. We will continue to push forward. She still needs some time. A few days sober with the amount she took isn’t going to cut it. I don’t want her to get the urge again.” Suddenly he tenses.

“Don’t fucking talk to me like that Gabe.” I try not to stiffen since he thinks I’m sleeping. “Yeah I heard what Brennan said. Still doesn’t think I’m that less pissed at you.” I can hear Gabe yelling in the phone.