No Safeword: Matte - Happily Ever After (Safewords) (11 page)

Ethan settled his head on the wedge and ran his fingers across her stomach, considering. He appreciated Sam’s silence as he pulled his thoughts together.

“Part of me wants to jump at the chance, but this can’t just be my decision. I made it clear to Dave — the manager — you’d be part of the training team and I’d expect them to utilize your knowledge and expertise. I guess I should’ve asked you first, but if I do this, I hope you’ll…” He trailed off, not sure if it was fair to ask her to support him in a sport she loved, that she couldn’t participate in right now.

“You better believe I’ll be by your side if you decide to do this, and I’m glad you’re talking to me about it, but in the end this has to be your decision. I’ll support you however I can, just as you’d support me if I decided to do something crazy like fight professionally.”

Ethan tilted his head up to look at her, and was relieved to see her happy, mischievous smile. “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome, but why are you thanking me?”

“For offering to help, and for just being here for me. I love you so much, and I’m so thankful to still have you in my life.”

She gently touched his lips to shush him. “Enough of that. I’m here, and we aren’t going to think about worst case scenarios.”

“Speaking of worst case scenarios; were you serious about IKEA?” He hoped she’d decide she wasn’t up to it and declare they should go home.

“Of course, I want to buy new outdoor seating for around the pool, and I like wandering through and getting new organization ideas. Where are you taking me for breakfast?”

Two weeks later, Sam was cleared to begin visiting her physical therapist three times a week and was finally given the green light to work on her overall stamina. She also began doing some work from home, and consulting with a few of her clients over the phone. Her legal assistant traveled back and forth from her home, to her office, and the courthouse to file papers. Sam wanted to hit the ground running when she was finally cleared to go back into the office and courtroom.

Ethan set up a small desk in the workout room for her assistant to use, so they could talk and strategize while Sam kept moving. When her assistant wasn’t there, Sam was thankful Ethan had suggested moving a television into the workout room. She watched one martial arts movie after another as she rode her stationary bicycle with no hands several hours a day.

Kirsten, Cassie, and Tara visited her frequently. Tyler and Viv stopped by a few times, and her other friends from the dojo also checked in on her. She didn’t lack for visitors, so why did she feel so alone?

Kirsten brought her lunch on a pretty, sunny day, and the two sat in the screened-in patio area with the ceiling fans on full blast to keep them cool.

“The nurse at the hospital said we could resume sexual activity when I could do two flights of stairs without getting out of breath.” Kirsten looked at her in question and Sam added, “I’m long past being able to do it, but Ethan doesn’t seem interested.”

“The nurse was probably talking about a normal sex life, and there’s nothing normal about sex with Ethan, is there?”

“Well, no, but I think I’m ready, and when I try to bring it up he just says ‘
baby steps’
, or ‘
patience, we’ll get there’
.”

“And you’re used to him taking the initiative for sex, and it’s hard for you to push, right?”

“Exactly,” Sam agreed.

“Why don’t you try writing him a letter, and maybe asking for something you both know you can handle? You say he seems to enjoy going down on you, maybe tell him in great detail what you’re craving for the evening?”

“But, after he goes down on me, he’ll need to get off, and I think he’s worried about hurting me when he takes me.”

“Do you think you’re up to full blown sex? Have you tried moving around in bed to simulate the way you’ll be pushed, pulled, and jostled?”

Sam looked away. “Yeah, and my shoulder is still pretty sore, and it’s probably going to hurt, but I don’t really give a damn. My physical therapist says I have to be careful with my movements still, or I can re-injure it, so while I’m working on range of motion all of my movements are deliberate and carefully measured.” She sighed. “Ethan hit the railroad tracks a little fast the other day when he was taking us to dinner, and it caught me off guard and I had to turn my head and hold my breath so he wouldn’t know how bad it hurt.”

“It doesn’t sound like you’re ready for sex yet.”

Sam looked back to her friend in spite of the threatening tears. “We’re newlyweds, dammit! I want to have sex with my husband!”

Kirsten wrapped her arms around Sam, careful of her shoulder, and Sam let her friend soothe her.

“Talk to your physical therapist, see if he has any ideas. If anyone will know what position might work best, it’ll be him, right?”

“There’s something else.”

Kirsten’s hand caressed Sam’s back, and Sam said, “The other day, Ethan said that after having to watch me hurt so much, he wasn’t sure he wanted to give me more pain.”

Kirsten sighed. “But you want the kind of pain he can give you. Men can be such idiots sometimes, can’t they?”

“No shit.” Sam laughed, but it sounded bitter and she didn’t like it. She took a breath and moved out of Kirsten’s embrace. “How do I convince him?”

“If you don’t mind me playing the part of the nosy friend, I’ll have lunch with him and see if I can bring him around.”

Sam chewed her lip and Kirsten asked, “You don’t want me to?”

“Oh, no. If you think it’ll help, I’m all for you talking to him. I was just trying to figure out how to…”

Kirsten gave her a few moments of silence and said, “Something else is bothering you.”

Sam nodded. “Before we left for our honeymoon, I antagonized Masterson.” She took a breath. “I basically called him a limp-dick in an effort to get him to hit me. I saw a police officer approaching us on a bike behind him, and I orchestrated the whole thing.”

Kirsten’s brow wrinkled. “You didn’t make him hit you. He made the decision to strike you in anger. You didn’t make him shoot you, either.”

“Maybe, but I’m smarter than him, and I took advantage of his idiocy and his temper. It wasn’t ethical.”

“You were trying to wrap the case up for your client, and trying to show the courts his temper. He held it together in the courtroom so you found another way to prove he shouldn’t be trusted around his kids. What happened to you is awful, but it’s possible you kept his kids from being beaten without a mom around to shield them for the next ten or so years.”

“It was still unethical. Do you think I asked for this? That I deserved to get shot?”

“Do
you
?”

Sam’s voice broke and her eyes filled as she said, “Maybe. I mean, I know the victim isn’t supposed to blame themselves. I know he pulled the trigger of his own accord, but I feel I need to take responsibility for antagonizing him.”

“How would you go about taking responsibility?”

“I don’t know.”

Kirsten sighed. “As a therapist, I’d ask you questions until you figured out you aren’t to blame, but as your friend? I’m just going to tell you to let it go.”

Sam thought about it a few minutes. “I don’t think I can.”

“Okay, what kind of penance would you give yourself? For crying out loud, you were
shot
. I don’t think for a minute you deserved it, but if I’m wrong and you should have something bad happen to you, I think it’s been taken care of. Hasn’t it?”

“Maybe it’s easier to deal with if I think I deserved it, on some level? I’m so pissed at the whole
fucking
situation.”

“Pissed is good. Feel your anger. Acknowledge it. And then let it go.”

Sam laughed. “Easy for you to say.” She shook her head. “I know life isn’t fair. Little kids catch stray bullets in drive-by shootings all the time, when they’ve done nothing to deserve it. I’m probably over-analyzing it, but…it feels as if I may have brought it on myself.”

Kirsten pulled her into another hug. “It happened, you lived, and now you’re putting yourself back together. Your thoughts are perfectly normal, just don’t beat yourself up too bad, okay?”

* * * *

Sam considered taking the wedge to the curb for the garbage service to pick up, but carried it to the playroom, instead. It was nice and sturdy, and people paid good money for the sex version of them online. She was sure Ethan would enjoy covering it with leather and putting attachment points on the side.

The cleaning people were due to come today, so she and Ethan would have fresh sheets for their first night to sleep side-by-side.

She anticipated falling asleep in his arms all day long, but when they finally went to bed, she was only further frustrated because she was still stuck lying on her back.

She wanted to spoon backwards into him again, but he soothed her and rubbed her, and she decided to be happy — for now — about falling asleep on her back, his arm over her hips, and her legs over his thigh.

* * * *

Ethan stepped into Kirsten’s office, uncomfortable because it was, well, a therapist’s office. The receptionist smiled and said, “You must be Ethan. Kirsten said you’d be big.” She pointed towards a door. “Go on in, she has an hour and ten minutes until her next appointment.”

Ethan walked in and immediately smelled food, and noted several take-out containers spread over a large coffee table. Kirsten was sitting on a sofa with a plastic bowl filled to the brim with a salad, and she pointed to the table with her fork.

“I sent my assistant to the Greek place around the corner and had her buy enough to feed a half-dozen people.” She grinned. “I’ve seen you eat. Help yourself.”

“Why are we eating here? I could have met you at the Greek place.”

“Because I want to talk, and the tables are too close to each other.”

Ethan saw another Greek salad and grabbed it and a fork to start.

“Okay, what do you need to talk to me about?”

“First, I’m not your therapist. I’m your wife’s best friend and we’re in my office for privacy, okay? I’m not trying to fix you; I’m just being a busybody who thinks you need to know some of what’s going through Sam’s head.”

Ethan’s heart skipped a beat. Had he missed something important? He must have, if Kirsten thought it merited a sit-down in her office.

“What did I miss?”

“Sam says you don’t want to hurt her, because you’ve had to watch her in pain so much since she was shot.”

Ethan nodded, almost relieved to have someone to talk to about it. “Well, yeah. I’m tired of seeing her hurt. I want to make her feel good.” He shook his head. “I don’t want to ever see another look of pain on her face again, but with the rehab still in front of her, that’s not likely.”

“But sex can get rough with the two of you. Are you never going to have sex again?”

He shrugged. “When she’s ready for it, but she isn’t yet, and I won’t risk hurting her just so I can get off.”

“And if
she
wants to get off?”

Okay, maybe talking about it wasn’t a relief. He was a touch annoyed by the question, but answered in a calm voice. Kirsten was a good friend to Sam, and she wouldn’t be talking to him if she didn’t think it important. “I know what my wife looks like when she’s horny, and I haven’t seen it.”

Kirsten raised her eyebrows. “Her body is used to you initiating sex. Since you met her, how often has she come to you horny?”

Ethan shook his head. “It’s not a valid question. Before she was shot I kept her so busy she didn’t have time to get needy in between. Or, I’d tease and deny her until she was crazy with need. The point is, if she wanted it now, I’d know.”

Kirsten took a moment to chew her food and swallow, and finally said, “It seems every vanilla person I’ve had the displeasure of trying to explain masochism to has equated being spanked with stumping your toe.” She raised her voice and said in a sing-song tone, “But, she hates to stump her toe, why does she want me to spank her?”

Ethan rolled his eyes and said, “Idiots. It’s not the same at all.”

Kirsten put another bite into her mouth, and raised her eyebrows at him as she chewed. Ethan thought about what he’d said, and it clicked.

He sighed. “Okay, maybe I’m an idiot.” He shook his head. “I’m still not sure I can hurt her and manage a hard-on, though. I mean, I understand what you’re saying, but...”

“Do you? Spell it out for me, if you don’t mind.”

Ethan finished his salad and leaned forward to fill the empty salad bowl with food from the other containers. Sam loved this little Greek Restaurant, and he was used to the food and knew from looking at the containers what he wanted. He sat back with his bowl filled, and thought about his answer as he took a bite, chewed, and swallowed.

“You’re telling me she’s ready for sex and will want our old dynamic back. But I’m not sure her body’s ready. She doesn’t want me to know how bad it hurts when I have to come to a fast stop, or I forget and hit the railroad tracks as I normally would instead of slowing to almost a stop.” He shook his head. “It kills me to be the cause of that pain, and I
know
it’s not the same, but I’m not sure I can separate it in my head.”

“So blindfold her the first time, so she won’t know whether you’re hard or not. If something doesn’t work for you, stop and do something else.”

Ethan took another bite, considering, and Kirsten said, “I have a feeling once she starts squirming and wanting more, your body will get with the program. If it doesn’t, I have someone I can recommend you talk to, so you can get it straight in your head.”

“I can’t talk to you?”

Kirsten nodded. “I can talk to you a as a friend, but if you have some serious stuff to work through it’s better if you talk to someone else.”

Ethan sighed. “There are a few things I can do that are more discomfort than pain, and her moans are almost all pleasurable. Maybe if I started with those?”