Noah (20 page)

Holy fuck
.

"I spent hours nitpicking over details in that first scene," I told him, kneeling behind him. I had maybe a couple minutes' worth of restraint left. Maybe. "Fuck…" I leaned in and licked him from his balls to his perfect little asshole. At the same time, a clear string of come landed on the floor. My mouth watered, and I was thankful when he remembered the answer.

"T-Tennyson warned you be-because—oh, shit—because if you kept fretting about minor details, you'd have to, um…" He hauled in a breath as I began tongue-fucking him slowly. "Oh… Um, you'd have less time with the following shot, and it would turn out, uh, not great."

Finally.

I stood up and uncapped the lube. "On your knees."

"Thank fuck, at last." He turned in a flash and sank to his knees, his fingers working my zipper until he could push down my pants. The second my cock was in his hand, he sucked me into his mouth, and we gave up on the charade.

"Perfect, baby," I groaned. "Hold out your hand."

He hummed around me as I poured some lube in his hand. Then I swiveled the chair around and sat down, perched on the edge so he had better access. He followed automatically, kneeling between my legs. His mouth went back to my cock, and he sucked me long and hard, as if he'd been deprived.

I wasn’t near ready for his cock in my ass, but I'd grown addicted to his fingers. He stroked and rubbed and teased, and then slowly pushed one digit inside. It caused pulses of fluid to seep out of my dick, to which he moaned and swallowed around my head.

"Goddamn, I missed you today." I wove my fingers through his hair and fucked his mouth gently, keeping the same pace as him. "I almost bent you over the couch in my trailer at lunch." It stung in the best ways, and when he added the second finger, I gritted out a curse and shoved my cock down his throat. "F-Fuck!"

He choked and then breathed through his nose. Slowly pulling out, I felt his tongue swirl along the underside, tracing the vein.

"I wish you would have." He licked his way down and spent some time sucking and tonguing my sac. I was in fucking heaven. Two fingers inside me, one hand stroking me off, a perfect mouth on my balls. "You're so sexy when you're in the moment. I love watching you work, Noah."

I groaned, the heat rising, my chest expanding with every breath I managed to suck in. "I need your ass, Julian. Now."

Considering how fast he pulled out and bent over the desk, I figured he was more than ready for the same. I reached for the lube and slicked up my cock, and then I positioned myself behind him and, inch-by-inch, pushed my way in.

It wasn’t until I was balls deep the frenzy settled slightly. My need to come was over-fucking-whelming, but simply being with him satisfied me for the moment.

I kissed his neck and stroked every inch of his body I could reach. Buttons were unbuttoned, and clothes fell to the floor. But even with his naked body pressed against mine, close wasn’t close enough. I'd never fucking felt that way before.

"Gimme your mouth." I drew a shallow breath and cupped his cheek, and he turned his head to meet me in a kiss. "I'll never get enough of you."

He whimpered into the kiss, and his hand slid down my side, back to my ass. "Me neither—fuck, I…" He shivered. "Never."

With a firm hand on his hip, I drove in deeper and stroked his cock with my right. The kiss didn't break. It was sloppy, messy, needy as fuck—until it was just mouth on mouth and heavy breaths. The occasional nip, the occasional taste.

My body strained and burned.

"I'm so close," he groaned.

"Yeah." I gritted my teeth and sped up, chasing my orgasm.

He tried to say something, but no sound came out. Instead, he fell forward, his hands thudding against the desk, and a violent shudder made him quiver. Warm come filled my hand as he started coming, and I lost it right away, thankfully before he became too sensitive.

Sweet mother of…

I was exhausted.

A shiver traveled down my spine as my cock pulsed with the last drops. I felt feverish and sticky, but even as a blanket of perfect satisfaction covered me, the smell of us made me want more. The relief I'd initially felt with Julian was kinda constant now, but that heavy rush had been replaced with something much more intense.

Actually, it had been there a while. Now, it was only becoming a struggle to contain it.

"Shower and bed?" he croaked sleepily.

"Bath," I murmured. "I wanna feel you up and make sure I wasn’t too rough earlier with the belt."

He laughed softly then winced when I drew out of him. "Noah, you made one of my biggest fantasies come true with that spanking. Hot damn."

I chuckled and pulled him close for a hug. "I'm thrilled to hear it."

He kissed my sternum and then smiled up at me, all sated and lazy. "You're the first I want to explore with. For real. I mean…some fantasies, you kind of need to trust the person."

He was the sweetest fucking man. He humbled me, too. And the thought of him with someone else now…?

I kissed his fingertips, then his forehead. "Thank fuck you're mine now. You've turned me into a possessive bastard."

"I sort of like that, though." He grabbed my hand and began walking us to the bathroom. "I suppose you'd be pleased to know your cock is still the only one I've sucked off."

I groaned and hugged him from behind. "Ridiculously pleased. I'm screwed in the head, but I don't give a shit."

He laughed and reached around me to pinch my ass. "It's all good. It's relaxing, in fact. Now I know I'm not the only one feeling irrational at times."

Yeah, this honesty was good for us. We should've done it sooner.

Chapter 18

We finished earlier on set the next day, so after dinner at the hotel with Julian and the crew I worked closest with, I grabbed some essentials I'd ordered. Then he and I got in a taxi to the Trocadéro, which was, in my opinion, the best place to see the Eiffel Tower.

The gardens spanned out over a hill that sat right in front of the tower, lawns on both sides of a spectacular and, of fucking course, phallic-shaped fountain. It was Europe.

"Are you going to tell me what's in the backpack?" Julian asked.

"Romantic shit." I smirked down at him and gave his hand a squeeze.

He chuckled and kissed my shoulder.

The steps were packed with tourists at the top of the hill, but the crowds thinned out a bit as we descended. Checking my watch, I saw we had just missed the hourly spectacle where the tower sparkled like the rock on some Hollywood diva's finger, but it was all right. We had time.

"Tired?" I murmured, catching him yawning.

I was running him ragged on set, but he took it like a champ, and he was good at what he did. When I didn’t need him, he continued working closely with Tennyson, writing and composing, so Julian didn’t get much more sleep than I did.

He smiled crookedly. "A little, but it's mostly a food coma."

Well, I had dessert covered when he was ready.

"That looks like a good spot." I jerked my chin toward an empty spot on the lawn.

It was Paris, so obviously we weren't the only couple around. Illegal street vendors sold roses and fake champagne, which said a lot about the tourists around us.

I sat down in the grass, and I made room for him to sit between my legs. He plopped down with a satisfied sigh, and maybe he'd spent too much time with Blue. He purred like a fucking cat as he leaned back against my chest.

"This is perfect." He took out his phone and snapped off a few photos of the massive tower, a couple of the fountain to our right, as if he wanted to get that over with.

I did the same so I could focus on him. Then I dug out a blanket from the bag and wrapped it around us. It kinda cocooned Julian, and he hummed in approval and cuddled closer.

"Have you always been a romantic?" he asked quietly.

"Hmm." I'd done plenty of romantic stuff for Emma. The few times I'd found myself in a relationship, no matter how brief, I did enjoy taking care of the other person. Even spoiling them to a degree. But I guessed with Julian, shit was different. It was less for him and more for the both of us. "Yes and no, I suppose. You matter more." I pressed a kiss to the side of his head.

Julian shivered and tilted his head back to look up at me. It'd been a while since I saw so much uncertainty in his eyes, so that put a rock of unease in my gut.

"You okay?"

He bit his lip and sat up. "I feel like a damn fraud. I want to go all out with you, like you do with me, and not worry about anything…" He turned sideways so he could face me without it being uncomfortable on the slope of the hill. "I have this crap holding me back, so…perhaps it's time to rip off the Band-Aid. Because this is sort of killing me."

I held on to what he'd said about wanting to go all out with me. That kept me sane while he mulled over what he needed to say.

I assumed it was about his past.

"Whatever it is, it can't be that bad, baby."

The irony wasn’t lost on me. I'd wanted him to open up for a long time, yet a selfish part of me now hoped we could've forgotten all about it and moved on.

"Some of it is. To me, anyway." He tugged on a lock of hair that had fallen down at eye level. "But you're actually right. I made things much worse than what they were—or are. I did this to myself, and I've paid for it."

I waited him out and placed two sodas next to us while he warred with himself. And that worked. The selfish side of me shut up. Once he'd gotten it all out, I could finally help him move past this. It was what it boiled down to. I didn't want him carrying that shit.

"I was bullied in school," he admitted. "Even before we moved to Germany. Classmates called me girly, and I didn't play sports like the other boys. And it continued when we moved, so in a way I believed there was something wrong with me."

That angered me. Bullying always had.

Knowing Julian, who never wanted to be in the way, he'd hid it from James and Mia.

"I was somewhat of a late bloomer," he went on, absently picking at the grass. "By the time I suspected I was gay, JJ was five or six. He ran to the TV when Dad watched soccer, he had the same hobbies the boys who used to bully me had, and Dad lit up every time JJ was in the same room."

That packed a punch. I remembered talking to James back in the day. He always worried about Julian fitting in.

Julian offered a weak smirk. "JJ was the junior. Dad's pride and joy. I was the older emo kid who only wanted to play piano."

I gave his hand a squeeze. "Please tell me you know James was proud of you, too."

He nodded and looked down. "Like I said, I did this to myself. I've spoken to Dr. Kendall about it, and she helped me understand. Dad didn't prefer JJ because he started playing soccer. He just related to it more than me and my music."

That made sense, though it didn't erase the hurt Julian had carried.

"I didn't give them enough credit." He swallowed and withdrew his hand from mine. "Mom and Dad showed up at every recital and every coffee shop I played in, but I already had that mind-set. I couldn’t stop thinking there was something wrong with me, so I did my best to be as happy as JJ was. And Linda, eventually. I kept it to myself."

He reached for one of the sodas but didn't open it. Instead, he traced the bottle cap and looked way too uncomfortable for my liking.

"I had a boyfriend at uni, and we sort of lived together." He cleared his throat. "It wasn't my first, but it was the first who wanted us to be out. He was going through similar issues, but he'd been to a therapist and was ready to come clean to his folks. I wasn’t. I kind of froze, and understandably, he broke up with me when I refused."

If my math was right, he'd been around eighteen or nineteen then. Another couple years to go before he went on antidepressants.

"I became a douche after that." He made a face. "I closed myself in even more, I got stoned a lot, I got a tattoo and expanded it pretty quickly, I got the piercing. I took up smoking, I was out every weekend, and I only did casual hookups." He winced. "I took a sabbatical, which worried Mom like crazy. Dad and I were arguing because…you know, he didn’t like my double major. Studying music, he understood. Art, not so much. And he was pissed when I took a year off."

James would've understood today. In our industry, it blended together—art, music, film. He'd been a fretting parent. I'd already told Julian how my pop had reacted when I'd gone to study film. The old man had nearly shit a brick.

"Have you talked to Kendall about this, too?" I murmured.

"Yes." He nodded. "Dad was only worried. Of course, back then, it translated to he wasn’t pleased with me and who I was. I was such a fuck-up."

"Hey." I tilted up his chin so he'd face me. "None of that. You were a kid, Julian. Should you have opened up to your parents? Hell, yeah. But you didn’t keep anything to yourself out of spite or for shits and giggles. And parents fuck up all the time. Everyone makes mistakes. I bet there was some other approach they could've tried with you, but you all did that you could. Yeah?"

He blew out a heavy breath and looked down at the grass again. "I see that
now
. I only wish I could've seen it sooner."

Looking at him, I could tell he wasn’t done. There was something else weighing down on him.

"Tell me?"

He nodded jerkily. "Yeah. Um. So I stopped living destructively in my last year. I was depressed, and I saw a therapist. It helped somewhat. I focused on school and gave everything to get good grades. I also started working up the courage to come out to Mom and Dad. I worried myself sick a few times and clammed up when I tried to tell them. So I promised myself, after graduation."

He never got the chance. He'd graduated in May, and our family had died in June.

Fuck.

"I was staying at Mom and Dad's when I heard about the crash." He paused, clearly in pain. He clutched his stomach, and his eyes brimmed with tears. It was fucking killing me. How bad could it be? "God, I hate myself." He covered his face with his hands, and I tensed up. "I swear I didn't mean it, Noah."

"Mean what? You gotta tell me, baby." I tried to draw him closer, but he wouldn’t have that.

"I was relieved." He whimpered into his hands. "My first thought when I found out about the crash was that I didn’t have to tell them anymore. I was relieved."

Jesus fucking Christ.

I couldn’t explain the reaction I had to that. There was a shitstorm of emotions rushing through me. I was shocked, but then it made sense. I was sad for him. I understood him. I was relieved to have it all out there. I felt horrible he'd carried this for over a year, and I'd been bitching about my attraction to him.

"Come here." This time, I didn’t take no for an answer. I pulled him close to me and wrapped my arms around him.

"I didn't mean it," he croaked. "It was only a second. I'm so fucking sorry, Noah—"

"Shhh." I pressed my lips to the top of his head and gave him a tight squeeze. "I know, Julian. Trust me, I know."

I released a heavy breath, slowly swaying him. It was soothing, and I needed a minute to get my act together. We could go on forever and carry guilt we shouldn’t. Hell, I was feeling guilty as fuck for not making him tell me sooner. But that implied he wasn’t an adult who could make his own decisions.

It was what it was. All we could do was take it from here.

"I saw it on the news," I murmured into his hair. "I was in the private lounge at the airport in Santa Monica. I'd just landed, and Tennyson and Daniel were trying to get to me before I learned about the crash from somewhere else." The memories of that day were fuzzy at best, but I couldn’t forget my initial reaction. "I laughed, Julian."

He sniffled and stilled. "Wh-what?"

"It was too much to process," I answered. "I sat at some bar and saw the footage from Florida on the news. And I laughed."

Julian didn’t say anything for a while, and that was okay with me. As long as he didn’t pull away, he could be quiet all damn night if he wanted.

A low murmur traveled through the gardens as the Eiffel Tower began sparkling with millions of flashing lights. The blanket had fallen off my shoulders at some point, so I grabbed it and fanned it out over Julian's and my legs.

"You're not upset with me?" There was nervousness in his tone, his voice soft but scratchy from crying. "I would understand if you are."

"I have no reason to be upset with you." I leaned back, my hands supporting my weight on the lawn. "Are you pissed 'cause I laughed?"

"Of course not. It's actually quite common to laugh instead of cry when you've lost someone."

"I know." I smiled and kissed the top of his head again. "And considering you spent years hiding a part of you, it's no surprise your mind went there first."

He turned his head and buried his face against my chest. "You sound like Dr. Kendall."

I chuckled quietly. "Don’t tell her that. She'd be offended."

"No way." He tilted his head and sent me a brief smile.

Seeing his face, I stroked his cheek and brushed away the last remnants of tears. "Beautiful." I dipped down and kissed his forehead. "I'm glad you told me everything, Julian."

He sighed and closed his eyes. "I feel weird about it. I still beat myself up over it, but I've been told it can take a while to condition a new behavior." He extended a hand over my leg and uncapped his soda. "I honestly thought you were going to be angry with me. And this last month…you've been so fucking nice and affectionate…"

I could fill in the blanks. I'd tried to get closer to him, and he'd been thinking,
"If only you knew the truth."
No wonder he'd been a skittish animal. But I did know the truth. I knew a shitload about Julian, and this didn’t change anything. Not negatively, anyway.

"Noah?" He raised himself up a bit and faced me.

I leaned forward and playfully nipped at his nose. "What's up?"

He smiled and shook his head. "I love you. That’s what's up."

"
Jesus
." I choked. I hadn't expected that right at this moment. I'd kinda known it was around the corner… But fuck me sideways, he was hitting the feels with that one. "Come here, baby." I yanked him closer and kissed him hard. Knowing he felt the same was in-fucking-describable. A rush more intense than I'd experienced before. "I love you, too. Like you wouldn’t fucking believe."

Julian moaned something unintelligible into the kiss and locked his arms behind my neck.