Nobody Gets The Girl (9 page)

"Must come in handy when he's designing time
machines and domed cities."

Sarah sat down on a bench and motioned for
Richard to follow.

"You can't imagine what it's like," said
Sarah. "Having a father who can watch your every move through the
eyes of whomever it is you're with. When I was seventeen, right?
There was this guy named Vance I met at a Nine Inch Nails show. He
was like, twenty or something, really cool, with long hair and dark
eyes. Just the most awesome guy I'd laid eyes on, really. And Vance
starts hitting on me, and I'm digging it, and we go back to his van
and smoke some pot, and he, you know, starts doing stuff to me. And
I like it. It was my first time even kissing a guy, and already he
had my bra undone, and I'm just totally in the flow, no doubts
whatsoever. But then the van lurches, like a car's hit it or
something, and the top of the van just peels off like it was tin
foil, and there's Amelia, wearing her nightgown, looking all
pissed.

"Dad sent her. He knew what I was up to
because he was inside Vance. My father was inside the head of a guy
who had his hands in my panties."

"Shit," said Richard. "I mean, wow, shit.
That's horrible."

"You can't imagine," said Sarah. "Dad
grounded me, of course. But it didn't matter. I mean, what was I
going to do after that? I could never let another guy touch me
again."

"That's awful," said Richard. "What a lousy
hand to be dealt."

"Have you been with a lot of women, Richard?"
asked Sarah.

"What?"

"You were married, right?"

"Yeah. In a different lifetime. Her name was
Veronica."

"Was she your first?"

"Um," said Richard. "No. No, I saw my share
of action in college. Look, I don't want to seem evasive, but I'm
trying not to think about my old life. I need to put all those
memories as far behind me as I can if I'm going to get through
this. Whenever I start remembering things, then realize that those
things never happened as far as this world is concerned, it makes
me feel like my head might split in two."

"The hand you've been dealt is as fucked up
as mine," said Sarah. "Do you mind if we do a test? Just to make
sure you're immune to my powers?"

"Sure."

"Take off your clothes," said Sarah.

"No," said Richard.

"Hmm. How about... you take off my
clothes?"

"Here? In public?"

"Oh, I guess not," said Sarah. "You do seem
immune to my charms."

"Well, immune to your powers at least," said
Richard. "I still find you charming."

"One last try: kiss me."

She closed her eyes and puckered.

Richard couldn't believe this was happening.
He decided to fail her test. He moved his lips to hers. They were
warm and slightly sticky, with a hint of cinnamon. He could feel
her trembling.

"I've dreamed about someone like you," she
whispered as they parted. "Someone my father can't get inside of.
You can't know what it's like to look into your eyes and not worry
that my father might be looking back."

"I'm flattered," said Richard. "I really am.
But, things have been so crazy for me. My life is in such a strange
spin. What do you really know about me? What do I know about you? I
don't know if I'm ready for a relationship right now."

"Who said anything about a relationship?"
asked Sarah. "Let's just go someplace and make out."

Richard stared at her. He didn't know which
was easier to believe, that he'd never been born or that a woman as
sexy and powerful as Sarah was coming on to him. He grinned like a
man taking a second glance at his winning lottery ticket. He leaned
forward and kissed her once more. He drew the kiss out this time,
placing his hands in her silky hair.

He pulled away and they sat in magical
silence, savoring the moment.

Sarah grabbed his hand.

"Come on," she said.

She dragged him into the nearest shoe store,
which sold athletic shoes. The clerk stared slack-jawed as she
approached.

"You," she said. "Go home early."

"Hell yes!" said the clerk, jumping over the
counter.

"What size do you wear?" Sarah asked
Richard.

"Nine."

She quickly found the section with that size
shoe and grabbed the first one that caught her eye.

"Try these on."

He took the shoes and sat down on the bench.
She sat down next to him. They were out of view of any passersby in
the mall. She kissed him again.

The shoe fell from his hand.

She broke off the kiss.

"So do they fit?" she asked.

"What?"

"The shoes."

"I haven't—"

"Say 'yes."'

"Yes," he said.

"Good. Let's take them. We're done shopping.
There's a store on the upper floor that sells big, black,
overstuffed leather couches. I've always wanted to make out on a
big, black, overstuffed leather couch."

Richard picked the shoes up and stuck them
under his arm.

"Done shopping in thirty seconds and now you
want to make out," said Richard. "My God, Sarah, you're like my
dream woman."

"Enough chitchat," she said, taking him by
the hand once more. Once again, they were flying, his feet several
inches from the ground. It felt perfectly natural to him,
completely sensible. This was turning out to be a really good
day.

CHAPTER SEVEN

MORE ELABORATE WAYS TO BREAK MY SANITY

The following week turned into one of the
best of Richard's life, old or new. He and Sarah had spent the rest
of the day hanging around the mall, stealing stuff and making out
in full view of an oblivious public. Any qualms he had had about
using Sarah's powers to swindle shopkeepers quickly vanished. It
wasn't like they would accept his credit cards anyway.

"The world is good," Sarah had said, "and
made for our pleasure."

Richard subscribed to her philosophy very
quickly. Why shouldn't he take every pleasure the world offered?
Especially when life with Sarah offered so many pleasures. The
island offered endless miles of pristine beaches for them to walk
upon and talk of life. In the landscaped gardens of her father's
estate, the grass was like soft bedding as they lay together. In
the middle of the night they would slip from her bedroom and raid
the enormous kitchen and eat delicacies. Even if all the luxury of
wealth had been stripped away, Sarah alone would have made his life
heaven. She was wonderful to talk to, so open and honest. Her
cynical wit matched and often exceeded his. He hung on her every
word.

On those rare moments when he and Sarah
weren't together, Richard would roam the vast mansion. One of the
odder things Richard noticed was how few people lived there. As
near as he could gather, outside of the Knowbokov family, only two
other people inhabited the island, Mindo and the chef, Paco.

The person he most often ran into was Mindo,
Dr. Knowbokov's seven-foot-tall personal assistant. In fact, Mindo
was nearly ubiquitous. Richard would go to the garden, and there
would be Mindo practicing martial arts with Amelia. He'd walk to
the spa, and find Mindo giving Sarah a massage. Moments later, in
the library he would spot Mindo serving Katrina tea.

He once asked Dr. Knowbokov if he'd cloned
Mindo and the Doctor had laughed and complimented him on his
imagination. When he asked Sarah if Mindo had a twin sister, she
looked at him oddly, dismissing his question. And he never actually
saw two Mindos at the same time, so eventually he just stopped
worrying about it. He was invisible to Mindo, so it wasn't like he
was ever going to sit down and chat with her.

As near as Richard could determine, all
maintenance work on the island was done by machines. Solar powered,
robotic mowers crawled silently over the lawn. Foot-long, crablike
robots scuttled through the rooms of the mansion, gathering up
discarded laundry and empty plates. He even wandered into a room
where a larger robot was repairing the smaller robots. Richard took
the presence of the robots in stride. They just seemed a natural
fit in Dr. Knowbokov's little mad scientist universe.

One thing the robots couldn't do well,
apparently, was cook. Which explained Paco. Paco was Mindo's exact
opposite. Mindo was tall, muscular, and never spoke unless spoken
to. Paco was a doughy, squat man who jabbered ceaselessly even when
no one was around. While Mindo turned up everywhere in the mansion,
Paco was never seen outside the kitchen.

Richard liked to sit in the kitchen and
nibble on snacks as Paco waddled around his domain, giving a
running commentary on his every move. It was like a cooking show on
the Food Network.

"Look at this tomato," Paco would say as he
prepared a salad. "Nature's artwork has never been finer. Look at
the red glow, the gentle curves. Smell it."

Then Paco would sniff the tomato and sigh
before attacking it with his knife, at which point he would deliver
an editorial on the virtues of a good knife.

Richard understood why all of the Knowbokovs
were so trim. It was easy to eat right with someone like Paco
working round the clock to feed you. That, and there weren't any
fast food joints on the island.

The other thing that Richard liked about Paco
was that while Paco was certainly a little odd, he was well within
the acceptable realms of oddness that Richard understood. He didn't
fly or fight crime or build time machines. He just talked to
himself while cooking.

One morning he went into the kitchen and
found Katrina there with Paco. Katrina was someone who rarely
entered Richard's thoughts. He had to admit he enjoyed the guilty
pleasure of having a girlfriend whose mother didn't know he
existed. Katrina kept to herself, and when he did see her she was
usually reading.

Even this morning, as she sat at the small
table in the corner of the kitchen drinking tea, she had a book in
front of her. But she was talking to Paco, and Richard deeply
wished he hadn't entered in the middle of the conversation, as the
first words he heard from Paco were, "As you say, he would know if
you asked me to put poison in his food."

"He knows we're talking about this now," said
Katrina, who looked like she hadn't slept well. "But he won't
mention it. He's never mentioned it in the past. I'm no longer of
any consequence to him."

"Your husband is a good man," said Paco. "If
you would talk with him, I'm sure he would listen."

"Why should he listen when he knows every
word I'm going to say?"

"I know this is difficult for you," said
Paco. "But the man saved my life. I love him. I love you, too, and
your daughters. And it's because of this love that I ask we not
discuss these morbid daydreams."

"Paco, you're the only normal person I have
left in my life. Can't you understand me at all?"

"You've been stressed by all of this joking
by your daughter about her invisible boyfriend," said Paco. "Let me
make you something that will take your mind off your troubles.
Something comforting; gnocchi, perhaps."

Katrina sighed. "Food isn't going to make me
feel better."

"What you are saying," said Paco,
"contradicts my lifetime's experience."

Katrina left the room as Paco silently set to
work mixing dough, looking worried. Richard followed Katrina,
unsure of what to do. Should he tell Dr. Knowbokov about Katrina's
feelings? On the other hand, if Dr. Knowbokov really was
telepathic, didn't he already know?

Katrina went to the library, to the furthest
wall with its rows of thick, leather bound reference books. After a
moment's study she reached out and tilted one of the books forward.
Richard was struck by how much her action reminded him of
triggering a secret door in an old movie. Then, the shelf began to
slide apart, revealing a passage beyond.

Richard laughed. Dr. Knowbokov's at least had
a sense of humor. Richard followed Katrina into the enormous room
beyond. The first thing he noticed, high overhead, was a rocket
ship that looked like it had been lifted from the pages of a 1930s
comic strip. It was painted cherry red, and had chrome fins on the
tail.

The room was filled with countless odds and
ends, like the attic of a museum. Everything had a label, or a
little metal plate describing it. For a moment he forgot about
Katrina as he looked around the chamber and whistled. In one corner
of the room was a fifty-foot-long construction crane arm tied into
a bow. He leaned over to gaze into a microscope on a nearby table.
In the petri dish below it, flea-sized dinosaurs grazed among a
forest of hair-width trees. Next to this stood a suit of medieval
armor, crafted for a warrior ten feet tall with four arms. Richard
leaned over the plate, and saw that the armor had once belonged to
a "Dr. Alterman" from the "Mirror Dimension."

He remembered Katrina, and hurried through
the maze of exhibits mentally cataloging things he wanted to
examine further when he had the time. Just what did one do with a
radioactive skateboard? An anti-sound piano? A warp-monkey?

Katrina was standing in front of a skeleton
of a football field-sized snake with wings. When Richard reached
her, he saw she was crying. He felt awkward, even though he knew
she couldn't see him. He wondered if he should leave.

Then, Katrina took a deep breath, threw her
shoulders back, and wiped her tears. She walked past the snake to
an exhibit of a crib in an aquarium. Richard didn't have time to
read the plaque in front of it before Katrina rushed it, and pushed
it over with a shattering crash that echoed throughout the huge
chamber. Water poured across the floor and Richard took a step
back, worried this might be mirror dimension water that could turn
him into a warp-monkey.

Katrina moved on to the next exhibit: a
petrified baseball bat in a case. She flipped the lid open, grabbed
the bat, raised it over her head, and took aim at a globe
containing glowing gold fish.