Nobody Knows (10 page)

Without another word, I sprang up, ran down the hallway, leapt over Bianca halfway down the hall, and made it to the bathroom. Just. Afterwards, I clung to the toilet bowl, panting and sweating, my head resting on the cool porcelain. I was dizzy from dehydration and already exhausted. I hadn’t even made it to lunch time yet.

“Gillian, are you okay in there?” Adele called out through the door.

“Fine, thanks. I’ll just be a minute,” I said, wiping my face with the back of my sleeve.

“Can I get you anything?” she offered generously.

I knew that if I asked for anything, Adele was just the sort of person who would have moved heaven and earth to accommodate. “I’m fine. I just need a second,” I replied, dragging my lethargic body from the floor.

When I looked in the mirror I didn’t like the person I saw staring back. Even after splashing cold water on my face I was still a ghastly shade of white. My eyes were outlined by dark, unhappy circles under my eyes. I pulled at my shirt and saw the marks on my shoulders. The nasty, dark, and definite finger indentations that covered them. Right in that moment, I was a battered wife.

The doorbell rang unexpectedly and I felt myself jump. “Do you mind getting that for me?” I called out.

“Absolutely,” Adele returned helpfully.

I hurriedly adjusted my jumper, brushed my teeth, and hustled out the door. As I emerged from the hallway, I heard Charli squeal with delight, “Wow! They’re pretty! Who are they for, Grandma?”

“They’re for your mum.”

Intrigued, I sped up and made my way into the lounge room. As I walked towards the chaos, I saw Adele closing the door a huge bunch of white oriental lilies in her arms. She looked up and saw me flashing a perfect smile.

“Someone’s a lucky girl.” She smiled as she handed me the huge bouquet.

I took the flowers, inhaled deeply before pulling the card from the middle. Turning it over in my hands, I forced myself to open it.

Congratulations, Beautiful. I look forward to welcoming our new baby to the world with you.

Without hesitation I burst into tears, dropped the flowers on the tiles, and slunk to the floor. Silently Adele picked up the flowers and read the card. She finished reading and looked directly at me. “What the hell did he do to you this time?”

Chapter Eleven

After three gut-wrenching hours of tears and explanations, and even a visit to the doctor to check on my bruises, I was exhausted and just wanted to collapse. But Adele wouldn’t hear a word of it. She kicked me out of my own house. She dropped two hundred dollars cash into my sweaty, shaky hand and told me to get out and relax.

“It’s not about you, Gillian. I’m taking care of my newest grandchild. You, my dear,” she started, her hands on my cheeks, “You need to go out and have some time out. Forget everything that has happened and just go out and have a laugh. Go shopping, go to the movies, and meet a friend for coffee. Do whatever it is you feel like; just go have some time for you.”

“But the girls…”

“I am quite capable of looking after my granddaughters for the afternoon. And I will deal with Joel when he gets home.” Her tone had an air of disgust about it.

I had never wanted to tell Adele what happened. And I definitely had no intentions of telling anyone else. But when she tried to help me up off the floor she had seen not only the marks on my wrists but also the welt on my back. After that, any lie I even attempted she dismissed with a wave of her hand. And I had caved.

“I’ll be home before Joel gets here,” I said with as much determination as I could muster.

“I’ll call him and get him home earlier. I need to have a very serious conversation with my son,” Adele announced defiantly.

“Please Adele…please just leave this one alone. I’ll talk to Joel when I see him. There is no need…”

“No need! I raised my son better than that. He should never have laid a hand on you…”

“I know. Adele, I know.” I tried to placate her. “But this one is between Joel and me. We’ll work it out.”

Sighing heavily and shaking her head with disappointment, she said, “Gillian, I am his mother. And I will talk to him about this. But I don’t want you to worry about anything. Go! Relax! I’ll see you later this afternoon. Go! Enjoy yourself!” She smiled and gave me one final push out the door.

Once I was outside I was even more lost and confused than before. I stumbled towards the car, climbed in, and started to drive. I didn’t know where I was going, but the further I drove the more enraged and annoyed I became. I messaged Heidi to see if she had some spare time to catch up. School would be finishing soon so she would be free for the day.

I took myself up to Regatta Point and settled at an outside table overlooking the lake. The pimple-faced waiter managed to spill my water all over the leg of my pants. My day was going from bad to worse. After placing my order as quickly as I could I sent him away. I didn’t want him to see me cry. Dabbing at my eyes with the starched white napkin I realized how pathetic I had become. Crying in public, ashamed of who I was, I had become a stranger to my friends. And, more embarrassingly, I was a stranger to myself. I didn’t even know who I was anymore when I wasn’t being Charli and Bianca’s mum. Let alone what I liked.

I sat there absentmindedly sipping my coffee. I was staring off into space when Heidi arrived.

“Earth to Gillian!” she teased, easing herself into the chair opposite me.

“Hi,” I said, absently pulling at my jumper, ensuring that my wrists were covered. I had no intention of telling Heidi what had happened with Joel. I just wanted to have an afternoon of escapism.

“So, what’s going on?” she asked as the pimple-faced waiter reappeared and took her order before disappearing into the bowels of the restaurant.

“Not a lot. Adele is babysitting for the afternoon and she kicked me out to have an afternoon off. So here I am.”

“And here I am. It’s so good to see you, Gillian. It seems like forever since we got you to ourselves,” Heidi said honestly.

I instantly felt guilty. I knew I had been neglecting my friendships but I couldn’t see any other way. By the time I looked after my girls, kept the house clean and organized, it seemed like I didn’t have time for anything else. With Joel working as much as he did, these days I was basically a single mother.

“I’m so sorry, Heidi,” I began, feeling like I should be apologizing.

“For what?”

“For everything. Not being around. Not having time to be there, or go anywhere, or do anything. I feel like I’ve been neglecting everything and everyone,” I admitted painfully.

“Don’t be silly, Gillian. We understand. You have two beautiful girls. Of course they come first. And so they should. Gillian, you’re a mum.”

“But I don’t even know what’s going on with you these days…”

“Of course you do. I’m teaching kindergarten. I’m still seeing Rowan. We’ve been together about eighteen months now. Other than that, nothing much has changed.”

Heidi looked at me with wide sad eyes. I don’t know if she was disappointed that nothing had changed or maybe it was my own reflection that I could see was miserable. But there was something in her tone that made me think that Heidi knew exactly how I was feeling.

Forcing my own dark thoughts from my mind, I encouraged, “How are things going with Rowan?”

“Really good I guess. We’ve had a few discussions about moving in together, but nothing ever seems to come of it. I think he likes the fact he can get away from me when he wants to. But we’re doing okay. Both working pretty hard, so we fight a bit because we’re tired all the time, but I’m sure you know all about being wiped out. How are the girls?” she deflected.

I was impressed by her honesty. Heidi was obviously disappointed with her relationship, but hanging in there. I could tell that she wasn’t overly happy, but it was better than being alone.

“The girls are good. They argue and fight, but we cope. Bianca is sleeping through the whole night in her own bed now, which is a blessing. For a while there, she wouldn’t sleep unless she was in our bed, but thankfully she’s back in hers now.” Focusing on Bianca and Charli kept me from saying anything about Joel.

Sipping her decaf skim latte, Heidi looked like she wanted to say something, but instead drank her coffee. I recognized her avoidance, because it was something I did regularly.

“Have you heard from the others? How are Rhiannon and her lecturer? That lasted longer than I would have guessed,” I asked, hoping for an afternoon of mindless gossip.

“Well, I saw Rhiannon last week and she was going to move in with Luke in the next week or so. He left his wife. Can you believe it? Now that he’s no longer her teacher, their relationship no longer has to remain a secret. We’re even allowed to meet him in the next couple of weeks, or so she says,” Heidi began excitedly.

It was so much easier to talk about someone else’s life than admit what was wrong with your own. Even I was more eager to gossip about someone else than think about my own issues.

“That’s surprising. They have been together for ages and now, finally, we’re allowed to meet him. I was beginning to think she was embarrassed by us. It was either we embarrassed her or he was imaginary.” I laughed.

“Nah, I think it was just the whole
he could lose his job if anyone found out
thing that kept it so secretive.” Heidi laughed.

She had grown more beautiful as the years had passed. Together with her teaching and Girl Guide duties, Heidi spent a lot of time at the gym. She was the fittest person I knew and every year she was a serious competitor in the annual City to Surf fun run to Sydney’s beaches. I could never work out how running could be fun, but for some unknown reason Heidi loved it.

“Any news from Cora?” I asked nervously.

Cora and I hadn’t spoken in almost twelve months. It had started as a silly argument that just never ended. I was tired; Bianca had colic and wouldn’t sleep. I had been running from doctor to specialist and back trying to find out why she wasn’t putting on weight and why no matter what I did the colic wouldn’t pass. Cora needed a favor and I simply couldn’t fit it in. Hurtful words were said and then life got in the way. After I calmed down I had meant to call and apologize and make things right, but every time I went to, something else happened. Weeks became months and by then it was too far in the past, I rationalized. I knew it was stupid and I should just call and make it okay, but I couldn’t. I was embarrassed that it had taken too long.

“I got an email from her last week. She’s living just north of Oxford working in a hotel. She lives in the attic there, rent free, so she’s pretty stoked with that. She works ten days on then four days off. It sounds like pretty much every time she gets a couple of days off in a row, she takes off somewhere for an adventure. She went to Ireland not that long ago and this weekend she was heading to Scotland for a couple of days.”

“Sounds exciting,” I had to admit. Part of me was jealous. It would be such an adventure to travel around the world, seeing everything, trying anything.

“Have you heard from her?”

“No,” I said, unable to look Heidi in the eye.

“You should email her. I’m sure she would love to hear from you.”

“I don’t know.”

“You can’t let this go on forever, Gillian. It’s already been going on way too long and it’s over nothing really. Just talk to her.”

“I’ll think about it.”

“Don’t think. Just do it. It’s not worth it.”

I didn’t say any more about it. I didn’t know what to say. Heidi was right. I was embarrassed. I should email Cora. Or call. Or text. Or something. She could be the one I could talk to about what was going on with Joel without any repercussions. She wasn’t close enough to do anything or make it harder than it already was.

“How are things with Joel?” Heidi asked at point blank range.

I squirmed in my seat and downed what remained of my coffee. “Okay,” was all I offered. Again, I pulled at my jumper, instantly thinking that the sleeves had crept up and she had seen my wrists.

“Gillian?”

I was caught. Heidi had seen through my pathetic attempt at lying. I signaled for the waiter and ordered another coffee and the largest slice of chocolate mud cake I could. “I’m pregnant again,” I blurted out as Heidi stared at me.

“My God…No wonder you need time out. Were you even trying for another one?” she asked pointedly.

“No.”

“Oh.”

The waiter returned with my cake and coffee and just as he was about to walk away again, “I’m going to need a piece of cake too. A big piece,” Heidi ordered. “What did Joel say?”

“Let’s just say he was less than thrilled,” I admitted.

It was so easy to tell the truth to Heidi. And the whole truth. I wasn’t embarrassed or trying to protect him. Heidi had been there in the beginning, and I knew that she would be there in the end. No matter what happened.

“Hang on a second.” Heidi smiled, holding up a finger.

I watched in silence as she dug through the biggest handbag I had ever seen. She dug out her phone, quickly sent a text, before tossing it back in her bag and turning back to her cake.

With a mouthful of mud cake, Heidi announced, “Finish your cake and don’t tell me anymore. We’re meeting Rhiannon at her apartment in fifteen minutes.”

“Heidi!”

“No!” she said more forcefully than I had ever heard her speak before. “Something is definitely up! I can see it on your face. And around your wrists. We need Rhiannon.”

I was mortified. I was being so careful not to admit the truth and hide it from everyone, when it was written all over my face anyway. “Heidi, it’s not what you think,” I tried to lie.

As the lie passed my lips, I felt my world crumble. Who was I kidding? It was as bad as it sounded. My life was nothing like the one that I had wanted. I stuffed mouthfuls of cake into my mouth. So much that I struggled to even close my mouth when I chewed.

Heidi pulled some cash from her purse, dropped it on the table, took my hand, and half dragged me from the restaurant. I didn’t speak. I didn’t know what to say. I was defeated.

Heidi basically threw me into the front seat of her car and before I knew it we were speeding through the car park on our way to Rhiannon’s. “I…I don’t want to do this,” I confessed. “I’m just tired and Joel’s overworked. And we weren’t expecting to have another child. We hadn’t even discussed having another baby. So it shocked us, that’s all,” I tried to rationalize.

“Well then, tell me what happened to your wrists?” she asked, not even looking me as she dodged in and out of the peak hour traffic.

“Nothing.”

“Do you know how I know that you’re lying? ’Cause you are a bad liar.” Heidi’s face showed no compassion. She didn’t even look like the Heidi I knew and loved. She was angry and determined.

A moment later, after cutting off three cars who tooted their horns at us in anger, we screeched into a vacant car space at the front of Rhiannon’s building. She lived in a two bedroom apartment on the eighth floor. She had bought the apartment a couple of years ago, brand new. It came with all the luxuries one could want. The complex contained its own bar and café, gym, and indoor swimming centre.

Heidi pressed the buzzer for Rhiannon’s apartment and instantly the door sprung open. We ducked into the lift and in silence we watched the numbers climb. I didn’t look at Heidi and she didn’t look at me.