Nobody Knows (12 page)

Chapter Fourteen

I didn’t realize I was holding my breath as I stepped over the threshold and into my home. Joel saw me come through the door and with a wide, warm smile, he greeted me the moment he spotted me. Honestly, I was frightened by what I saw. The table laid before me was immaculate. A perfectly pressed black satin tablecloth with red napkins and silver napkin rings. Two long silver tapering candles stood in the middle of the table, their flames flickering about with wild abandon.

I couldn’t control it. Without thinking of the consequences I found myself blurting out, “What’s all this about?”

“It’s an apology and a celebration.”

“That’s an odd combination.”

“Well, I guess I should start with an apology for last night. I should never have said the things that I did. And pushing you. You didn’t deserve it. I was out of line,” Joel began, the expression on his face full of sadness and remorse. I knew him well and I could see the pain in his eyes. Joel was hurting and secretly I was pleased that he was. His apology was sincere and from the heart, not forced from his lips by his mother.

Instinctively I tugged at my sleeve, making sure the bruises were hidden from sight. If Joel was feeling bad, I wasn’t going to dig the knife in any more than it was already lodged. But Joel saw me do it. He reached out and took my hands in his. My hands were trembling and clammy. I wished they weren’t, but it was an uncontrollable reflex. As much as it killed me to admit it, it was the best feeling I had felt in a long time. The tenderness in his touch made an all too familiar heart flutter return. Something I hadn’t felt in years. Joel rolled back my sleeves ever so gently. With one look at my wrists he dropped my hands and jumped back, aghast.

“Gillian!” Joel exclaimed as he continued backing away from me until he stepped on a Barbie doll and stumbled, cursing under his breath.

Terrified by the look on his face, I didn’t know what to say. Inside I was still furious at what had happened. I know he’d apologized and he was honestly sorry for doing it, but the fact that he could actually do it bewildered and petrified me. Cautiously I stepped towards him. “Joel?”

“Gillian, I am so sorry I hurt you. I don’t know what’s gotten into me. Please, join me for dinner,” Joel offered honestly, pulling out my chair before serving the plates and pouring wine.

For a long moment we sat together in silence, sipping wine and nibbling at our dinner. It was a strained silence that hung between us. I was too frightened to say something that either of us would regret later. It was a truce. Somehow we’d agreed to a reprieve without words. I wasn’t sure when or where we’d learnt it, to speak without words, but somewhere in the silence I heard him reassuring me.

Then suddenly, without warning, Joel began coughing and spluttering. Grabbing at his throat, he coughed and hacked and gagged. Without a word I jumped up and was hitting his back, willing him to breathe again. Moments later the drama subsided and Joel slumped back in his chair, breathing deeply.

Sipping at his wine, Joel confessed, “When you first told me that you were pregnant again I was so blinded by all the dark thoughts in my head. I couldn’t see any good coming from having another child. We are already so lucky with our two beautiful daughters I didn’t want anything to ruin it. And you and I, well, we don’t really even know each other anymore. I have been so consumed with work we never get to spend any time together. Just us. Doing the things that we like. If we ever do see each other, it’s either in passing or we are meeting out the front of a ballet performance for Charli or at Bianca’s parent-teacher evenings. I don’t even remember the last time you and I just hung out together.”

I couldn’t disagree with him. I couldn’t even remember what we thought was fun. But as soon as the thought crossed my mind, I wondered if Joel and I had ever actually had fun. In my memory Joel and I had a couple of crazy nights of passion and then responsibility kicked in. Since that moment our lives hadn’t been our own.

“Joel, I want to ask you something. And I need you to be honest with me. At the very least you owe me that much.”

“I owe you that,” he agreed, his eyes betraying his defeat.

I dropped my knife and fork on the plate with a ding. For a long time I had wanted to ask, but I had always been too afraid. It was something that had played on my mind for years. The words had danced on the tip of my tongue the day of our wedding. When the celebrant asked if anyone objected, the thought crossed my mind to ask Joel then, but it didn’t seem the right time. And every day since, it still never seemed the right time, but now time had beaten me. If we were going to make it, now was the time to ask for the cold hard truth. “Did we ever have fun? Were we ever friends? Or was I just a fling that trapped you?”

In the silence that followed I was almost paralyzed. Right there, in that moment, I wanted nothing more than the floor to open up and swallow me whole. I wished I’d kept my big mouth shut, but now it was out there. I couldn’t take it back.

Joel looked appalled. I couldn’t read him. I don’t know if he was dismayed by the fact that I had asked my question aloud or if he was disgusted. But I was too stubborn tonight. Spending time with my girls had made me realize that I deserved more. I deserved to be loved and treated with respect. Not only for me, but for my kids as well. And on the drive home, I had made a promise to myself that no matter what happened next, no matter what Joel said or did, Bianca and Charli would not grow up in a home filled with hatred and bitterness.

“Is that what you really think?” he asked through pained, tortured eyes.

I felt myself turn bright red. I was ashamed I’d even asked. But then fury and rage set in. Why should I feel humiliated about asking for the truth? I needed it. I was still so angry and so hurt after everything that had happened in the past twenty-four hours that I felt like I had been forced into asking. Struggling for breath, I swallowed hard. I opened my mouth to speak but nothing came out. Instead I just nodded pathetically.

Joel put down his fork, folded his hands in his lap and looked at me. No, that was a bit of an understatement. He stared at me intently. There was something in his eyes that I had never seen before. Something new, something scary. “Gillian, I know that I have hurt you in more ways than you can imagine. And I’m sorry for that. More sorry than you will ever know. If I could take it back, I would. But I’m not that naïve. I can’t. So you’re just going to have to believe. If it takes me days and weeks and months and years to prove that to you, then that’s what I am going to do.”

Joel reached out to hold my hand and instinctively I flinched. I didn’t mean it and I didn’t do it consciously, but I can’t pretend I didn’t cringe. And what made it worse, Joel saw it. Again, I had hurt him. “Gillian?” he asked as slowly he tried again. This time I focused and made sure I didn’t budge an inch.

“I’m sorry,” I mumbled unconvincingly.

“I know I’ve hurt you in every way that a person can hurt another, but you have to believe me; I would never again do that to you.” I watched as Joel sipped his wine. His words were sincere, but looking down I could see the marks on my wrists and everything became real again.

Sighing heavily, I found the words tumbling from my mouth before I could stop them. “You didn’t answer my question. Did you ever love me or do you think that I just trapped you into a life you never wanted?”

“Yes,” was all he offered, downing the rest of his glass of wine before hastily refilling and draining it again.

I admit I was nervous but it was more than that. I was absolutely petrified. Gulping, I forced the words out. “Yes you loved me or yes I trapped you?”

Joel put the empty wine glass back on the table. He looked at me with wide vacant eyes. Something had changed. The moment had passed. Gone was the tenderness in his face and instead there was an insurmountable distance between us. “Yes, you trapped me.”

Chapter Fifteen

My heart broke. I would have sworn they heard it around the world, the deafening sound of my heart shattering into a million pieces. Silent, salty tears streamed down my face and I didn’t even notice they were there. In my heart I knew Joel and I never had a normal courtship from the start. Well, we did, but it was in hyper-drive. Everything that a normal couple goes through in the first three years of their relationship, somehow Joel and I crammed it into the first three months.

Again he reached out to take my hand and I pulled away. The difference was this time I knew I had done it. And this time I had deliberately tried to hurt him. I wanted him to feel the same pain that was killing me. I knew it was childish but I didn’t care. He broke my heart. I wanted nothing more than to destroy his.

“Gillian…please just say something. Anything.”

“Trust me, you don’t want to hear what I have to say right now,” I spat back nastily.

“Let me explain.”

“Fuck off! What the hell do you want to explain? Why are you still here when I trapped you all those years ago? Why haven’t you just left if you’re so damn unhappy?” I pushed my plate away. I was too repulsed to eat.

“Calm down,” Joel snapped heatedly.

“Don’t tell me to calm down. You have no right to tell me what to do.”

“Shut up and let me finish, damn it! Yes, at the time I resented the fact that you were pregnant with Charli. I felt suffocated. But let me tell you I wouldn’t change the fact that we, you and I, are the proud parents of a beautiful daughter. And you can’t judge me for that. Yes, you told me you were pregnant and I freaked out. Who wouldn’t? We barely knew each other. But let me remind you, you freaked out as well. We weren’t ready. I wasn’t ready. But I don’t know why you doubt that I ever loved you. Do you remember the first time that I told you that I loved you? Do you?” he asked.

By now I was sobbing. I couldn’t fault anything he had said. I did freak out about being a mum and everything else that was happening to me. With hormones ravaging my body, I found myself suddenly married and pregnant without a chance to figure out if this was something that I actually wanted. Now I just felt like a hypocrite for questioning him. “No,” I declared, embarrassed.

“We were in the hospital. After twenty-two hours of labor, you were exhausted. Your hair was matted, your face was red and covered in sweat. Your wide eyes were pretty much hanging out of your head. My hand was numb from where you had spent the better part of the day before crushing it, and in your arms you held the most precious thing in the world, our daughter.” Joel’s eyes were full of tears. They were on the verge of spilling over and trickling down his cheeks. “Charli wrapped her tiny little hand around my finger and I realized how perfect she was. She was the spitting image of her mother. And I knew in that moment, I just knew, that I loved you. And not because I had just been through hell, but because you had given me something that no one else ever could.”

“I don’t understand. You think I trapped you and ruined your perfect life, yet the day that I sealed your fate you decide that you love me? Does that make any sense to you?” I had given up trying to be diplomatic. In my mind I was in that place where I had nothing left to lose. I might as well put all of my cards on the table and hope Joel didn’t call my bluff.

“Charli isn’t a bad thing. She didn’t ruin my life. I’ll admit that she completely transformed it. But it got even more wonderful. And when Bianca joined our family things just got better. I love you, but I had no idea how much our kids would transform our lives. My life. When Charli arrived I was amazed at how instantly and how much I loved her. Then Bianca joined us and I didn’t love Charli any less, I just found more space in my heart for her,” Joel confessed openly.

I don’t know why I was being such a heartless bitch, but I couldn’t help it. “You didn’t get more capacity to love, Joel. You just stopped loving me and poured everything that you have into your job and your daughters.”

“Is that what you truly believe? Deep down in your heart, past the pain, do you really think that I don’t love you?”

“Give me a reason to believe something else. Anything else,” I challenged.

“Gillian, I love you.”

“Prove it,” I retorted with all the venom I could muster. In that moment I was nothing more than a heartbroken, defeated, furious bitch. We both knew it. The only difference was I didn’t care. Joel had hurt me and in that moment I could think of nothing more satisfying than revenge.

“How, Gillian? Tell me what I have to do for you to believe me. What’s it going to take for you to get past this?”

“I don’t know.”

“Sure you do or you wouldn’t have brought it up. You know exactly what you want.”

“No, I don’t.”

Joel huffed heavily. He was trying to play the victim now; make it sound like everything was being done to him and nothing was his fault. God forbid he actually step up and be a man and take some responsibility for a change. “Just tell me what you want. Stop playing these childish, pathetic games and just tell me what it is you want, Gillian.”

I stared at him. The man sitting beside me was not the man I met in the office that day. The man I met that day had passion, had fire, had confidence and had that strange sex appeal that made my insides squirm. But that man was gone. I hadn’t seen him in years. Our marriage had become the typical joke. As soon as the ring had been placed on my finger and our daughters were tucked up in their beds, the passion fizzled. We no longer bothered to make time for each other. We’d given up trying to impress each other. And I’ll admit I was as much to blame as Joel was. I could go days without shaving my legs and I honestly couldn’t remember the last time I had even bothered to get a bikini wax. But we had kids and careers and lives that seemed to get in the way. Unfortunately, our problem was that we accepted it as the way it was rather than fighting for something better. Fighting for what it was we wanted. Fighting to reclaim us.

“You really want to know what it is that I want?” I threatened.

“I’m begging you, Gillian. Tell me. What is it that you want?”

I took a breath, trying to tame the barrage inside me. “I want a life. I want a husband who comes home to his family and is happy to be there. I don’t want someone who comes home and looks at me as if I am in the way. I want you to want to be here with us. And more than that. I want to be able to have time off. Time to be me. Time to spend doing the things I like. I don’t always want to be the responsible one. The one who makes sure the kids are fed and bathed and homework is done. Occasionally I would like someone else to do that. I feel like I am doing all this alone.” I forced myself to pause. I didn’t want Joel to think I was berating him with my tirade, which in fact was exactly what I was doing.

But as the words flowed freely from my heart I finally grasped that that was exactly what I wanted. I don’t know if I knew it before that moment and just never said it aloud or if I just realized that that was what I wanted as I said it. I wanted a partner, not just someone who showed up occasionally.

“I can do that. I can be that man for you, Gillian. You just need to let me,” I heard Joel say no louder than a whisper.

It took me a full minute to comprehend what he had said. “Sorry?” I asked nervously. I needed him to repeat it. I didn’t want to pin my hopes on something that I thought I heard. I wanted solid commitment.

“I can do that for you. I can be here. I can help you.”

“Don’t do it out of guilt or just to shut me up, Joel. You need you to do this because you want to. You need to want to spend time with your family. And that’s what we are, Joel. And believe me, I know it’s scary. We are still so young and we have two daughters and another on the way. But we have made it this far, there’s no point giving up now.” I was hoping I wasn’t pushing him too far, but instead encouraging him to choose what was best for him. Then all I had to do was hope that what was best for him was also best for the rest of us.

I watched as Joel’s head sunk into his hands. I stared at his hands, waiting. With the memory of last night in my mind I was silently terrified of him exploding, but it needed to be said. There was no point ignoring this any longer. If I wanted my life to get better, I had to start somewhere. That’s when I noticed his left hand. His wedding ring was missing.

“Where is your wedding ring?” I questioned incredulously. We could fight and argue, but in my eyes taking off your wedding ring meant something, something real, something hurtful.

“God, Gillian, it’s never just one thing with you, is it?” Joel shook his head. He was angry now. His face was red and his eyes bulging. Grabbing his napkin from his lap, Joel threw it down on the centre of the table with force that I had never seen before. Pushing his chair away from the table, Joel stormed into the kitchen. I didn’t follow him. I was frozen to the spot, too afraid to move or make a sound. And in that moment all I could think of was Charli and Bianca. Asleep like angels, tucked up in their room, they didn’t need to hear or see this. Suddenly I wished that they had gone to stay with Adele for the night.

Storming back into the room, I could smell the rum from the tumbler in his hand. “You say that you want a break from your kids, then why are you having another one? You say you want me to want to be here, but why would I want that? Why would I want to come home and be stuck here? Why would I want to spend time with you when you don’t even want to spend time with yourself?” Joel stormed, downing the rest of his drink.

“They’re your kids too, Joel. It takes two, you know. You should want to be here. You say you love me, yet you and I haven’t done anything or been anywhere alone together in over three years. I want to spend time on my own, but without you here to take care of the girls, I can’t. I can’t just go out and do my own thing and leave them here to fend for themselves; they’re still little girls,” I defended. I should have been prepared to defend what I wanted, I should have known he would turn it around, but I hadn’t thought it through that far.

“Fine!” he puffed dramatically. “I’ll do whatever you want me to do. I will be home every Tuesday and Thursday by six. On Tuesday night I will organize dinner for the four of us and we will have family time. No other commitments, just the four of us. I will bathe the girls, help with homework, and do whatever else needs doing around here. So after dinner is done, you can do anything you want. It’s up to you. Then on Thursdays I will come home at six and you can go out. I will spend the night with Charli and Bianca and you can do whatever. Go to the movies, out for coffee, visit the girls, I really don’t care. Is that good enough for you?” He was so clinical and unemotional about his declaration I found myself wondering if he actually meant it or it would just be another thing that he was going to do until something better came up.

But now was not the time to jinx him. Instead, I found myself nodding meekly.

“So now you shut up? You got what you wanted and now you’re quiet.” Joel shook his head as he walked back into the kitchen.

“Where’s your wedding ring?” I dared ask again.

“What?” he snapped, reappearing with his glass refilled.

“I just asked where your wedding ring is,” I repeated.

“I took it off.” He drained his glass, put it on the counter, and sauntered into our bedroom, slamming the door as he passed. I knew in moments he would be passed out on the bed, snoring.