Nobody's Dream (23 page)

Her heart skipped a beat. “Let’s say it’s something more along the lines of companionship. Without…benefits.”

He chuckled. He had been teasing her with that last part, no doubt, but became serious. “While it might be hard to love someone that much and not have their love returned, I guess her reasons for wanting to get married to me would be important.”

“But what if there was
no
love from one party?” She needed him to understand this above all else.

“There are all kinds of love. However, if that happened, then I’d loved her enough for the both of us. Given time and patience, I would hope she’d learn to trust and care more for me instead of merely closing the door to any possibilities.” He smiled at her, as if knowing he lacked the words to respond to such a hypothetical question.

His expectations might be overly optimist.

Perhaps loneliness was a cross each of them must bear.

“How about you, Sweet Pea? Could you marry someone who didn’t love you?”

“I could never have a traditional marriage, so I think so.”

“Darlin’, you can make your own rules when it comes to marrying. Just be sure that the man you do marry treats you with nothing short of love and respect. That he treats you with the great reverence. Worships and honors you as the center of his world. Sees you as his greatest treasure. Knows that he is the wealthiest man on earth because he has you by his side.”

His romantic words swirled around her, catching her up in the fantasy until she realized he made her out to be some great prize. If he only knew, she was nothing more than a tarnished bauble.

No, Lucas Denton deserved someone who could love him wholeheartedly and give herself completely. Not someone like her.

Yet he painted such a beautiful picture of what life with the right man could be like. She did not wish to be a possession or placed on a pedestal, but if a man existed who would enjoy her company, share her interests, and respect her boundaries…that would be a dream come true.

Stop, Cassie. You’re nobody’s dream.

“But I see nothing wrong with marrying for companionship. Meeting people is a problem when you’re as busy as we are. That night at daVinci’s was the first time I’d been out with friends for drinks in months. Let’s face it, you aren’t the type to hang out in bars, either.”

Her stomach clenched, and she shook her head, unable to form the words.

“God works in mysterious ways. I think He brought two lonely people together that night.”

Oh,
Mama Quilla
, you even have Lucas thinking divine intervention is at work with us.

“If you had stayed home and worked that day, you would not have been stranded all this time away from your horses.”

He stared at her until she met his gaze. “I love my horses, but, darlin’, if I hadn’t followed you home that night, I never would have gotten to know you the way I have. Besides, when I did get word about the avalanche, I’d have been worried sick about you being stranded up here all alone and been the first one on the other side of the snowpack digging you out.”

“I can take care of myself.”

“I know, but sometimes allowing yourself to be vulnerable to someone else can be freeing, too.”

He did not understand her at all. “I can never allow myself to be vulnerable again.”

“Trust is hard to come by once it’s been shattered.”

Oh, Lucas, you have no idea.

She wondered what his first marriage had been like. “You must have loved your wife very much.”

Pain flashed across his face, but was quickly quashed. “Maggie was a great woman. We only had a couple years together as husband and wife. It’s been eight years since…” He paused a moment and cleared his throat. “Eight years on May the third to be exact since she died.”

Mere days ago? She had no idea. She reached out and stroked his arm without thinking until her fingertips felt the warmth of his skin through the sleeve of his shirt. She could not pull away, though. The wound was still so raw for him. The need to comfort him was greater than her fear. “I am so sorry. If I had known, I could have helped you honor her in a remembrance ceremony.”

He shook his head. “I have no problem remembering. It’s the forgetting that’s the hard part.” He shrugged. “But you did help me move on to a better place that day.”

“I did?”

“Yeah, it was the day Millie was born.” His eyes shone bright with unshed tears.

Every bone in her body screamed at her to hug him. He looked so vulnerable. A friend would offer comfort. Like steel to a magnet, she moved toward him and wrapped her arms around him. “Maggie was a lucky woman.”

He remained silent, but after a moment, his arms encircled her, and they just held on to each other for a while. “No, I was the lucky one. We had two beautiful years together.” Lucas let her go, and she took a step back into her comfort zone.

As though this embrace had not happened, he continued to respond to her earlier question, thankfully not mentioning the fact she had been referring to herself. “There are a lot of different reasons to marry. Maggie and I started out with the lust and hormones kind of marriage. If given enough years, it might have grown into the deep and abiding love we all hope for.”

He shrugged. “On the other hand, I think a marriage based on shared interests or common goals can be just as rewarding. Might even last longer. Passion burns out, but if you have nothing else in common, well, it can make for disappointment and loneliness, too.”

Should she continue to speak in general terms? His words a moment ago almost charmed her into believing that he knew she was speaking about them and that such an arrangement might succeed in breaking down her walls.

She scoffed on the inside. She gave up long ago on being rescued by a prince on a white steed. What had brought on those ridiculous romantic notions during her meditation last night of the two of them marrying?

Cassie did not want or need a hero. No husband, either. Especially not one with a romantic heart.

‘Passion burns out.’

His words echoed in her mind. Did that mean sex wasn’t a requirement for him to marry someone? “What if there was never any sex?” The words rang in her ears before she knew she had spoken them aloud. Heat suffused her face.

He grinned. “
Never?
Or just not as often as some experts say there should be?”

“Never
ever
in my case.”
Oh, no!
She had not intended to let him know she was asking her questions in connection to herself—and him. What was wrong with her self-control?

“That’s an awfully long time, darlin’. You’re still young. What, twenty-five or so?”

She held her head higher. “Twenty-six in July. In Peru, that is an ‘old maid,’ as you call it in America.”

“Maybe you just haven’t met the right man. Hard to find him tucked away up here—well, unless one happens to be dumped on your doorstep in an avalanche.”

She avoided his gaze.
Had
the Universe brought him to her mountain for a reason other than to save Milagrosa? Was
Mama Quilla
—who not only served as a protector to all women but was also the deity who watched over marriages—casting a spell over her to entertain these preposterous thought of marrying Lucas?

After all, what kind of man would stop at companionship in a marriage? At sharing a love of art and animals—nothing more…physical?

Ha
. Men always expected sex, later if not right away.

Perhaps her long silence caused Lucas to stare out the window again. “Having someone around to talk with when I’m lonely or to share my day with, well, I didn’t realize how much I sorely missed that until spending time up here with you. I have no time right now to meet girls or date between the horses, SAR work, and my orders for furniture and carpentry jobs. Hell, I rarely leave the ranch.”

Was he burying himself in those activities to keep from making such a commitment again? “I understand.” She had no time to commit to a husband, either. Lucas would be the perfect husband/companion. Marrying him, she would be able to calm her parents’ worries but remain independent at the same time.

Goddess, what is the matter with me?
Lucas was not going to marry her, even if she did agree to have sex. He still loved and grieved for his wife. “Have you ever thought about remarrying?” Once again, the words spilled out unintentionally, as if her mouth was no longer under her mind’s control.

Lucas had never forced his intentions on her at all. He was actually very sweet. Helpful. Nurturing. Protective.

But only my parents think I need a protector!

He raised his brows. “A powerful thundercloud just passed over your face, Sweet Pea. You thinking about doing an end run on Eduardo?”

She met his gaze again. “A what?”

“End run. A football term for when the ball carrier attempts to circumvent the defense.”

“Oh. Sorry, I do not understand your American football.”

He grinned and shrugged. “Only kind I know. I played quarterback in college.” She did not picture him on an athletic team. He seemed almost as much a loner as she was. Well, she had not been that way before…

“My football scholarship to UT—the University of Texas—made it possible for me to continue my education. Wouldn’t have been able to go to college without it, but I didn’t really plan to make football my life or legacy. It was just a means to an end. I wanted to study industrial arts, but UT didn’t offer that program, so I majored in studio art instead. Surprised the hell out of my dad. I don’t think he’s recovered yet.”

The muscles in his jaw tightened, despite his grin. Something else they had in common—being a disappointment to their fathers.

“You planning to tell me what’s running through that mind of yours, darlin’?” The muscle in Lucas’s jaw twitched as though he was stifling a grin. She turned away again.

A sharp pain made her realize she had been picking at the skin around the cuticle of her ring finger. She clasped her hands together to hide them from him and refused to make eye contact again.

“Eduardo said my parents are worried sick about my virtue and my safety. I do not wish to burden them any longer.” She swallowed hard and took a deep breath. “I need a husband.” Before she lost her nerve, she blurted out, “Would you consider marrying me, Lucas?” Slowly, she met his gaze, surprised to see he was not horrified—or choked with laughter—at her unexpected question. If anything, there was a twinkle in his eye.

“Any other reasons you’d like to marry, darlin’?”

He had not said no outright. She took a deep breath. “Like you, I would like to have companionship. I enjoy spending time with you. Perhaps we could visit each other’s places, help with the animals, things like that. Have dinner occasionally.” She would leave
Mama Quilla’s
machinations out of this even though She was a large part of the reason for this about-face when it came to Lucas, in case he put extra stock in divine intervention.

Needing to clarify further what she was proposing, she added, “I would retain my maiden name and tell my family I chose to do so for professional reasons. We would not live together, of course. You would be under no financial obligation whatsoever. And, if at any time you wished to end the arrangement for any reason, we could quietly annul the marriage.”

Was that disappointment she saw in his eyes? The silence stretched out until she prepared herself for a rejection.

“Sounds as though you have it all figured out, Cassie.” The slight tremor in his voice was at odds with his calm exterior. Why was he not relieved this might be a brief marriage with no strings attached?

He closed the gap between them, reached out, and stroked her cheek. She fought down her fears and did not turn away. She would need to be this close to him if they were married, especially when others who knew were around watching them.

“If I marry you, it’s ’til death do us part, Sweet Pea. There will be no annulment. If you can commit to that stipulation, then we can continue to discuss this arrangement.”

Goddess, what am I thinking? I am no actress.
And deceit was one of the worst sins imaginable in her spiritual belief systems. Her hand began to shake. A real marriage? “But I told you there can be no sex.”

“I didn’t say ‘real.’ I said ‘lasting.’ Sex isn’t a requirement for me, but there
will
be intimacy.”

“What is the difference?”

“Intimacy is about knowing someone on a deeper level. Being comfortable in our own skin around each other. It’s more important and lasts longer than passion if you ask me.” He paused a moment. “Sex gives a quick physical release. Don’t get me wrong—it’s nice. But intimacy goes further. It involves touching, holding, cuddling, and being vulnerable with one another.”

He almost made it sound as if intimacy would make her more exposed to him than giving in sexually. A physical response could be blocked out if need be, but regular intimacy? What if she let him break down her barriers?

Dread clawed at her throat. No, she could not allow him to see the ugliness inside her. “You understand that I am not in love with you.”

“I do. As long as you promise to let me touch you—again, I don’t mean sexually—I’ll be satisfied. Hand holding. Maybe a foot massage. Hugs when either of us needs them.”

Touching.
Non-sexual
touching. Well, it might take some adjustment, but the benefits of pleasing her parents and forming a lifelong friendship with someone she cared about made the idea of a platonic marriage palatable.

So far, Lucas had kept every promise, not that she had known him all that long. But he did have friends who thought the world of him. Even Kitty trusted him.

Cassie nodded. “Then I can agree to that.”

“We’ll arrange for dates at least once a week. And maybe once a month you can come and stay longer at my place. Your girls might enjoy a visit down the mountain every now and again. I have plenty of grazing space.”

She had not thought about how such a merger would affect her alpacas. “I think they would like that.” Her heart pounded with excitement at the possibilities, but also trepidation for the next question that had to be asked. “What about sleeping arrangements?”