Nobody's Dream (49 page)

Not wanting this connection to end, he decided to pursue the conversation further. “You believe in reincarnation, then.”

“Yes.”

“You’ve lived in other bodies in earlier times?”

She nodded. “So have you. But not all incarnations are here in earth’s linear time.”

This conversation was growing deeper than he had intended to take it, but he didn’t want to stop talking and have both of them return to their lonely beds.

“I am certain you are an old soul, Lucas.”

Their marriage license application indicated Cassie was twenty-five, making him eight years older. Her birthday was July the thirty-first. He’d have to be sure and do something special for her.

He grinned. “Sure it’s not that I’m just old…period?”

“Chronological age has nothing to do with the age of the soul. An old soul must begin each incarnation on earth as an infant just like others do.”

Okay, she wasn’t going to let him tease her about this, and he probably shouldn’t. Her thoughts on spirituality made a lot of sense. He wondered what his old man would think hearing about this. Dad insisted Luke find a traditional church to attend back home and throughout college. He’d done so out of respect for his dad, but Luke wanted to explore this philosophy a little further. “What are the signs of an old soul?”

“Being a loner. Introspective. Didn’t quite fit into the role of child growing up. Understanding the transient nature of life.”

She’d nailed him on the first three, but he stopped her litany on that last one. “Who said I understood it? I just learned to accept the unpredictable nature of life for what it is.”

“But what if you planned a chart before you were born in which you and your spirit guides chose which issues you would learn from?”

“Predestination?”

“Not exactly. You might have said you needed to work on handling the fleeting nature of fame, for instance, and you then gained success on the football field only to lose it after college due to an injury or waning abilities.”

He wondered what made her bring up football, but he was more intrigued by this notion that he might have set the Universe in motion to have certain things happen in his lifetime just so he could learn a lesson from it.

“I don’t want to be saddled with guilt that Maggie died so that I could learn some life lesson I set out to learn here. I’ve always believed there’s a loving God, and we aren’t here randomly. All this talk of karma makes me wonder how someone with a disability came to be that way. Did they choose it or did it just happen and then they had to learn to deal with it?”

“That is where predestination becomes interesting and nearly impossible, because you do not know what she put into her own chart or what is a response to karma and what is just, well, random. While we each prepare our own charts, we cannot exist in a vacuum. We have to engage with other souls. That makes life less predictable. You also do not know how the two of you connected in prior lifetimes together. Often we return to work on issues with souls we were with in past lives.”

“I don’t remember any feeling of
déjà vu
or anything with her. How would I know we had shared some other lifetime?”

“Through meditation, past-life regression…”

No chance in hell he’d be delving into hypnosis and mysticism to try and find out what he and Maggie were doing in a past life. He had both boots planted firmly on the ground and intended to keep it that way. “I’ll pass.”

Her eyelids narrowed. “What scares you about it?”

He leaned back in the chair and sat upright. “Nothing. Just don’t see the benefit in churning up things best left alone.”

Cassie stared down at her mug and he regretted trouncing on her wholehearted beliefs. He had always been one to live and let live.

“It’s fine for those who believe in such things. I just think it’s better to put the past behind you and move on.”

Her voice was barely above a whisper. “Sometimes it is impossible to do that until the lessons you needed to learn have been internalized.”

Okay, then, he wanted to learn so he could put it behind him. “By saying you set certain things in motion, aren’t you blaming the victim?”

She closed her eyes. “No. Free will leaves the responsibility for heinous acts solely on those who perpetrate them.”

Cassie had an answer for everything. But she had demons in her past, too. Luke reached out and stroked the back of the hand she had wrapped around the mug.

“What is it you haven’t forgiven yourself for, baby girl?”

She pulled the mug closer to herself, breaking contact between them immediately. She didn’t answer, but he had no doubt she’d heard him. He let the silence drag out, thinking she might fill it by answering his question.

“I think I can sleep again now.” Without making eye contact with him again, she took her mug to the sink, rinsed it, and started back toward his bedroom. “Good night, Lucas. Sleep peacefully.”

Seconds later, the door clicked shut, and she was gone.

Luke didn’t regret prodding her a bit, but wished he’d done a little more of that with Eduardo when he’d had the chance. Surely the man would know what had happened with Pedro. Somehow, Luke was sure that man was at the center of Cassie’s heartache, but he might never know what happened.

Uncovering secrets from this girl was next to impossible.

*     *     *

Cassie closed the bedroom door and leaned against it. How had they gone from discussing spirituality to having Lucas pry into her past? She’d only wanted to help him deal with his survivor-guilt issues, not stir up any of her own issues.

“What is it you haven’t forgiven yourself for, baby girl?”

She closed her eyes, but when the movie in her head hit the replay button and she found herself flirting with Pedro and his friends at the bar, she opened them again. Sleep would not come to her this night. She wished she had a studio where she could work on something, as she had done on nights like this many times before. If only…

First thing in the morning, she would ask Lucas to see if they could return to her place. She wanted to retrieve some of her things, if anything survived. Maybe the fire would be under control by then.

Pushing herself away from the door, she walked across the room and climbed back into the bed. Earlier she’d worried Lucas’s scent would linger in the bed, but the fabric softener smell masked that, assuring her he’d made up the bed just for her.

Thank you, Goddess.

Being near Lucas in the other room, having his hand touch hers, stirred feelings she preferred to keep buried. She relaxed when she heard the front door close as Lucas made his way back to his bed in his studio, she supposed. Maybe he would have more luck than she would letting go of the past tonight.

She could never let go.

She closed her eyes, knowing sleep would continue to elude her…

“Don’t go back there, Cassie!”

Cassie startled awake, her own shouted warning reverberating in her ears. She’d trusted the man her parents had chosen to be her husband. If only she had known to trust her instincts instead.

Images of the men’s brutality brought bitter acid into her throat. She tossed the covers aside and ran to the bathroom, heaving the cocoa and contents of her stomach into the toilet. Tears streamed down her cheeks, and she washed her face and brushed her teeth.

Dirty. She felt so dirty. How could she ever be clean again?

She tore off the T-shirt and her panties and entered the shower stall turning on the spray. Picking up the bar of deodorant soap, she scrubbed. A sob tore from her throat. Thankfully the shower would mask the sound if Lucas happened to return to the house.

The scent of the bar of soap conjured up visions of Lucas. She pushed them away not wanting to think of him. She did not want him to see her or to even
think
about him seeing her. With a washcloth, she scrubbed her breasts until they burned but still could not banish the feel of Diego’s hands on her during the dance that had been a prelude to her nightmare.

Or had it started there in the bar? Pedro knew both of those men. Had Pedro planned for this terrible attack to happen just the way it had? Why else had his demeanor changed so abruptly?

Cassie sobbed and sank down the wall of the shower until she huddled in a tight ball on the tiles, letting the water continue to spray over her face and body. Perhaps if she stayed in here long enough, she could begin to wash away what she had allowed to happen that night.

The filth.

The guilt.

The shame.

Lucas’s face swam before her eyes.
Loving what I know of you and trusting what I do not yet know…

Could she share her story with him? A sob tore from her already raw throat. No. She should call the therapist Savannah recommended. She needed to regain control of her life.

Chapter Seventeen

L
uke heard the water running in the bathroom when he crossed the yard to the barn later that morning. Cassie must be up. He anticipated having breakfast with her. She’d stirred up a number of issues last night with her talk about the afterlife and reincarnation. He wanted to explore the subject further, curious about beliefs so different from the ones he’d been raised on. But he couldn’t say that one belief or the other was wrong. Just different.

Nearly an hour later, after tending to the horses and alpacas, he walked into the house. The shower was still running. Even for a woman, that was an awfully long one. Maybe she was using the steam to smooth out the wrinkles in her clothes. Momma did that sometimes. He did have to worry about her running the well dry, though. Colorado didn’t have an endless supply of water. Besides, the water heater wouldn’t keep the water warm much longer.

Luke walked over to the bedroom door and knocked. He didn’t expect an answer, but didn’t want to barge in on her naked or something either. He called out a warning and cracked open the door. The covers had been tossed back and the bed deserted. The water continued to run. His heart began to pound. Had she fallen or something? He rushed across the room and knocked on the bathroom door.

“Cassie?” The silence made him worry that she might have fallen. He banged harder on the door and shouted. “Cassie, you okay in there?” No response.

Luke tried the doorknob and breathed a sigh of relief when it opened. No sign of Cassie. He ran across the small room to where he saw her huddled form through the opaque glass, slumped on the stall floor. He yanked the door open to find her apparently unconscious.

Jeezus.

He reached out to turn off the water. She grunted but didn’t open her eyes. She hadn’t just fallen asleep in here. Something was wrong. Her skin was cold from the shower spray. “Cassie, it’s Luke.
Lucas
. Look at me.” Still no response. “Did you slip? Tell me what hurts?”

She covered her breasts and groaned as if in pain.

Luke scooped her into his arms. Her chilled, wet body soon soaked his clothes. On the way out of the bathroom, he reached out with the hand cradling her thighs and grabbed two clean towels off the rack.

“Talk to me, darlin’.” He hurried into the bedroom and sat on the edge of the bed, rubbing the first towel over her hair and back in an effort to bring her out of whatever state she was in. “Cassie, can you hear me?”

God, answer me, Sweet Pea.

A sob tore from her chest into her throat, the sound gut-wrenchingly painful to his ears. She buried her face against his chest, her hair forming a curtain to hide her face. Luke wrapped her tightly in his arms and held on.

“Shhh, baby girl. Luke’s here. Just let it all out.”

She poured her sorrow out until he wondered if the tears would ever stop. After some unknown amount of time, she began hiccupping and gasping to catch a full breath. He held her tighter and laid his chin on the top of her head. “’Atta girl. You’re okay.”

Cassie trembled in his arms as a shard from his broken heart was replaced. She
needed
him. Maggie had been so independent, never allowing him to cuddle or console her. He needed to be needed like this.