Nobody's Goddess (12 page)

Their happiness was like the fangs of a monster, tearing into the defenseless flesh of the queen who’d foolishly set out to slay the beast, only to meet her own doom.

I couldn’t get used to the idea that I was somebody’s goddess. Not just anybody’s goddess, either. But it was so far from what I’d wanted I didn’t know what to do. Not only was Jurij’s curse unbroken, but I left the castle that night knowing my future. Knowing I had someone to Return to.

Because no one seemed to consider that I might not want to Return to him.

My only refuge was Alvilda’s workshop, as far west from the castle as one could get, short of living in the commune.

Alvilda’s trade had once been secondary to Father’s, considering she took it up only after refusing her Returning. However, since my mother’s illness, Father was less inclined to work than ever and only did so when Mother was conscious enough to remind him. Alvilda stepped right up to fill in the void, and she got most of the real work these days. At least Father was too far gone to care. In fact, he helped her from time to time. Or just gave her a tool he no longer felt he needed. Mostly because he no longer felt like working.

I knocked and let myself in at the usual call of “No masked men here, come in!” Master Tailor sometimes visited his sister, and he could take his mask off in front of her.

But she failed to warn me that an unmasked man was there.

“Noll! What brings you here?” Alvilda looked up from her work—an ornate bed headboard, I believed. The smile that flashed over her features was genuine, although she couldn’t be torn from her work for long.

Jurij and Elfriede were seated at the small dining table, eating
.
The table was covered with a thin layer of sawdust that belied how often Alvilda really used the table for its intended purpose.

Elfriede laid the rest of her crispel on the table and wrinkled her nose. “Good day, Noll.” At least I think that was what she said. Elfriede’s gentle voice and Alvilda’s tools running across the wood made for a bad combination.
If I care to hear what she has to say, anyway.
I shook my head. I was being awful. It wasn’t so bad when we were home without Jurij and she could tell me how
happy
she was that “my man” had found the goddess in me. But whenever Jurij showed up, I felt like there was nothing but frost in the air between us.

I’d spent the morning in the garden, trying not to think about anything, to little avail. I saw Elfriede leaving with a basket, and I figured she was off to fetch her man. I didn’t figure on encountering them here.

It’s almost like she knows what you told Jurij.
She probably did.

“Good day,” I said at last. “Didn’t know you were here.”

“Gideon sent us on a quest,” said Jurij as he shoved the rest of the cheese in his mouth.

Alvilda laughed as she ran her file back and forth against the large rough edge that remained on the future headboard. “Not one of those monster-hunting quests, is it?”

It was my turn to smile. “No, we haven’t been on one of those in a while.”

Elfriede spoke at the same time, and rather loudly. “I always thought those games were rather stupid.”

I opened my mouth to point out that her “beloved” enjoyed those games she found rather stupid, but I thought better.

Jurij looked first at Elfriede and then at me. I was surprised he was able to tear his eyes off her for someone as unimportant as me. He stretched and stood from the table, strolling over to examine some of the pieces of wooden art that lined Alvilda’s walls from one side to the next. Jurij pointed to one of the pieces. “Have you ever seen this one, Noll?”

He’s talking to me.
I watched Elfriede out of the corner of my eye as I came up behind him. She seemed bored, more concerned with straightening imagined wrinkles in her skirt. But then I stood on my toes and put a hand on his shoulder in order to get a closer look. Elfriede got up at once and made her way to stand beside me.

I pulled my hand back immediately.
He’s just your friend. He’s
her
man. I thought you’d gotten used to that.
I focused on the carving. It showed a little girl smiling with a triumphant look on her face. She held a long tree branch—Elgar—high above her like it was the mightiest blade in the land. Beside her—but a little behind her, I took note—was a heroic-looking diminutive retainer wearing a kitten mask. I spun to face the artist. “Alvilda! Is that Jurij and me?”

She grinned. “It is indeed.” She paused to wipe her brow with the back of her arm.

I laughed and exchanged a smile with Jurij, forgetting for just one moment that there was anyone else with us, that there was anything but happy feelings between us.

The chirping bird cleared her throat. “I’ve asked Auntie to do one of our Returning.” “
Auntie.” Of course. She’ll be one of the family soon.

My smile faded and I stepped back. Elfriede stepped in immediately to intertwine her arm with his. Jurij smiled peacefully and tilted his head so that Elfriede’s golden curls caressed his cheek.

Alvilda appeared behind us, wiping sawdust from her hands with a rag that she carelessly tossed over the fireplace mantle once she finished. “I’m definitely looking forward to carving that.” She focused her dark brown eyes on me, and I saw something in them that made me wonder just how much she meant her words. “But first, I’m a little busy with a special gift here.”

She got between the coupling so she could grab Jurij by the shoulder and shake him playfully. The blush that covered Jurij’s entire face said it all.

A bed headboard. An upcoming wedding. But Jurij wouldn’t turn seventeen for a year. I forced myself to smile. “Are we thinking about wedding gifts already?”

Elfriede studied me a moment. She didn’t seem to like what she found. “Headboards take a while, and Alvilda’s too busy to spend all of her time on it.” She smiled sweetly at me. “Of course, I know your Returning comes first, Noll. Just let me know what you’d like. I’m quite excited.”

My Returning.
A woman had the choice to send her man to the commune, but …

No one’s ever been the goddess of the lord, not in my lifetime or my parents’ lifetimes, either. It seemed to go without saying that I’d accept him.

Alvilda wiped her brow and slipped an arm around both Elfriede’s and Jurij’s shoulders as she stuck her head between them. She had a bit of sawdust in her hair. “Which tools did Gideon want now?”

I cocked my head. “Father wants to borrow tools?”

Alvilda nodded and stepped back. “More like he wants the tools I’ve borrowed back.” She made her way to her toolbox and started picking through its contents.

“It’s Mother, really.” Elfriede hugged Jurij tighter. “She was doing a bit better this morning. She got mad that he’d given away so many of his tools when she was in and out over the past few days, and she asked that we get them back, so Father could start working again.” Elfriede pinched her nose. “It’ll make her happy.”

But it won’t make him work
, she seemed poised to say
.
Alvilda laid out a number of tools on her workbench. “That seems a bit much to carry like that. You can borrow some baskets.”

Elfriede walked to the cupboard and pulled out a basket like it was her home and she knew were everything was. She took out three and Jurij started filling them.

Alvilda crossed over to where Elfriede was standing. She smiled as she put one of the baskets back into the cupboard. “I think two baskets should be enough.” Jurij finished loading the second basket as she spoke as if to prove her words true. “And I’d like to elicit Noll’s opinion on that special gift I’m working on.”

Beautiful. Now I’d be helping plan the décor resting over their wedding bed.

Elfriede’s shoulders relaxed, and I suspected she was relieved not to have to fight for her man’s attention on the trek back home. She stepped to the door without picking up either basket. “Thank you again for lunch, Auntie.”

Alvilda nodded. “Sure thing. You’re always welcome!”

Jurij slipped his arms around both baskets. I wondered if Elfriede knew that if she offered to carry one, he’d refuse, or if she didn’t even bother to worry about him carrying all of that without assistance. Either way, he seemed delighted. “See you later!” he called, and then both were gone, Elfriede shutting the door behind them.

I turned back to the carving and sighed.

Alvilda left me to my thoughts for a few moments. I could hear her pick up the file and continue working. “I didn’t really want to ask you about the headboard.”

I jumped. Alvilda rested her file back on her workbench and grinned. “Come, now. Even I’m not that heartless.”

Heartless
. Ingrith had called the man who had found the goddess in me the heartless monster. I didn’t know what it meant. I didn’t understand anything about him, and I was so scared to find out more. So frightened to acknowledge that I had a big decision to make.

I snapped out of my daze just long enough to pull out one of the sawdust-covered chairs at the eating table. Alvilda followed suit.

“It’s all right,” I said, breaking a few tense moments of silence. I wanted to talk about everything. I wanted to ask her if there was a way to act as if I’d never gone to the castle. I wanted to ask her if it would be okay to delay the lord’s courtship as much as possible, to pretend to be preparing my heart for the Returning day after day, year after year as I continued living as if nothing had changed.

But why is it different for me? Why do I have to Return at all? I’d rather live the rest of my own days in the commune.

Alvilda of all people should have been able to understand my feelings, but even she thought it a bad idea to reject the lord. “He’s good to us. He pays the villagers well for their wares.” But what did I care? If even Alvilda thought that I should sacrifice myself so the rest of the village could pocket a few more coppers, I couldn’t betray any of my plan to delay the Returning. “Plus, he’s—” Alvilda had dropped what she was going to say then, choosing to bite her lip instead. It was probably “always watching.” The people in the village were worried he’d punish them for forgetting to invite someone to a Returning, so what would he do to them if his goddess refused to love him?

He’s not always watching, though. He can’t be. He’s just a man.

So I couldn’t ask any questions. Not questions that mattered anyway. Still, I figured it would be rude to pass up a rare invitation to get to know Alvilda better. She wasn’t one for musings. “A waste of time, effort, and the brain our foremothers blessed you with,” she often said.

“Why did you choose woodworking?” I asked. Maybe she’d mistake my intentions and tell me about the beauty of the craft; I could let it wash over me and retreat back to the emptiness in my heart.

“Well,” said Alvilda softly. “Women have the right to choose what their hearts tell them. It’s a gift from the first goddess.”

My eyes welled again. “That’s a lie! It’s not a gift—and it’s not even true!”

So much for sidestepping the issue.

Alvilda coughed. “It’s not an easy gift, I know.” She tapped her fingers over the table and looked thoughtful, a rarity on her features. “I know.”

She let me cry a bit without saying anything more. I almost grabbed a rag with which to wipe my face, but I remembered the sawdust and spread my tears all over my sleeve instead. I no longer could stand to wear aprons.

Finally, I managed to compose myself. “Whatever it is, it’s different for me.”
I can’t send the lord to the commune. I just can’t. No one would let me.

“I know, dear. I’m sorry.”

What else was there to say?

Alvilda broke into the silence. “You know, I tried to love Jaron.” So that was his name. Mother’s first love. “I really did. I certainly didn’t dislike him.”

I scoffed. I hadn’t intended to be rude to Alvilda, especially as she opened herself up to me. But even though I felt Alvilda was the closest person I had to someone who might understand, it wasn’t the same.

Alvilda didn’t notice or at least didn’t comment. “Whenever I let my thoughts wander, I feel so ill at the idea of what my choice has done to him I want to retch.”

I met Alvilda’s eyes. They were strong, dark brown like mine, but I detected a glisten in them. Unlike me, though, she held it in, her throat making a gurgling noise as she steeled herself to speak further.

“I thought about marrying him even without the Returning. So many had done it before.” She looked upward at the art carvings behind me. “But I couldn’t decide if his muted happiness at being near me would be worth the torment of my own soul in his stead.”

I nodded. “And people didn’t urge you to marry him anyway? Tell you how sometimes the Returning is delayed years and that there could be a chance you would both one day be happy?” The words were not my own, but the echoes of voice after voice and lecture after lecture.

Alvilda bit her lip and didn’t look away from the wall behind me. “Yes, they did. But no, I would never, ever be happy.”

My gaze followed Alvilda’s. She saw me looking and tore away, but I saw the carving in which she had been engrossed. Her family. Luuk as a toddler in his bunny rabbit mask, his mother holding him in her arms with a sour look carved deep and permanently into her features. Master Tailor stood next to Mistress Tailor, one hand on Jurij the puppy dog who stood in front of him, his other arm tightly around Mistress Tailor’s shoulder, his demeanor projecting a sense of joviality that his face could not. Because Master Tailor still wore a mask, his face obscured by that of an owl’s.

Of course. Alvilda had witnessed her brother marry without the Returning. As his blood relation, she knew his face, but she chose to carve him with his missing features. Perhaps to guard his secret from the wandering female eye. Or perhaps to remind herself of what could have been, had she chosen to marry Jaron against her heart’s desire.

“In any case,” Alvilda said, her tone calm but still trembling, “I’m sorry for my foolish ramblings. I know that your circumstances simply don’t compare to mine. The lord is—well, in any case, you don’t want to go through what I did.” Alvilda walked across the room, rummaged through her toolbox, and came back to the eating table.