North Pole Reform School (3 page)

CHAPTER 5

“There was indeed a point to me telling you that
elves can’t tell lies. Everything I’m about to tell you is the absolute truth.
Whether you believe it or not is up to you, but you can’t graduate from this
class without belief,” Tinsel says. “You’re all here because you have one thing
in common. Have any of you guessed what it is yet?”

“How about you just spit it out and tell us?” Luke asks.

“It’s all part of the learning curve, dear boy,” Navi tells
him. “Just because your body has orifices doesn’t mean you should put things
into them.”

“You all share a strong dislike of our lovely festive
season,” Tinsel says.

“You’re telling us we’re here because we hate Christmas?”
Luke says. “That’s ridiculous. People are perfectly entitled to hate Christmas;
they don’t need to be punished for it.”

“Yeah. No offence, but a bunch of elves kidnapping us and
bringing us to the North Pole isn’t exactly a smart way to make us like it either,”
I add.

“Yes, you two are quite correct,” Tinsel says. “Technically
you are all here because you hate Christmas, but there is more to it than
that.”

Luke rolls his eyes. “I think you two fell out of the
Christmas tree and hit every branch of cryptic on the way down. Will you
please
just tell us, in
human
English, what the fuck we are doing here and how the fuck we get out? I have a
lecture at two o’clock this afternoon that I really need to be at.”

“Don’t worry, dear boy, I’m sure you’ll catch up on any
schoolwork you miss easily enough.”

“But
why
am I missing any in
the first place?” Luke growls. “You can’t just go around kidnapping people
because they don’t like something that you like.”

“Yes, you are quite right on that,” Tinsel says. “You are
allowed to hate Christmas. If you could all just dislike the holiday and keep
it to yourselves then no harm would be done. We have to intervene when you
start taking your dislike of Christmas out on other people. You are all here
because you have ruined Christmas for somebody else.”

“Bullshit,” Joe says. “I haven’t ruined Christmas for
anyone. Sod off.”

“That’s what the moose said in my dream. It told me it was
the Ghost of Christmases Ruined. I thought it was a joke,” I tell them.

“This is all because of that moose. Did the moose kill me?”
Hugo asks.

Tinsel looks exasperated. “No one killed you. No one is
dead. The poor moose is just a messenger. The moose had his Christmas ruined
and now he tries to help others who have had their Christmases ruined too.”

“Is that why he’s purple?” Emily asks.

“Can we please forget the moose?” Tinsel says. “The moose is
not important. What you lot don’t seem to be grasping is that you’re here
because you’ve deliberately ruined Christmas for someone else, and we can’t let
it continue.”

“Maybe we’re not grasping it because you’re not explaining
it,” Luke says.

“
Enough
!” Tinsel suddenly
yells, stomping on the floor so hard that all the bells on her person jingle
loudly. “Everybody be quiet. I know that Navi and I haven’t handled this
morning very well. We’re really not used to dealing with groups determined to
be as difficult as you are all being.”

Joe goes to protest but she holds her candy-cane wand up and
shushes him.

“Now then, if everyone will stay quiet, Navi and I will
explain everything in minute detail, and then there will be plenty of time for
questions, protests, or tantrums later. Is that okay?” She waves the candy-cane
wand in warning.

There is a mumble of agreement from all five of us sitting
on the sofas.

“Every single one of you has been brought here because you
have ruined Christmas for somebody else. This is not about hating
Christmas—anyone can hate Christmas and not suffer any consequences for it. You
are here because you have all taken deliberate actions to ruin Christmas for
others. Part of an elf’s duty is to ensure that everyone has the happiest
Christmas they can possibly have, and we can’t let certain individuals go
around sabotaging that. Christmas is a wonderful, happy time, and it means a
lot to many people. People put a lot of time and effort into Christmas, and you
are here to learn that. You are here to learn how your thoughtless actions can
affect others and ruin their Christmas, even if that wasn’t really your
intention. Only once you have learned that will you be able to go home.”

“Okay, okay.” Luke holds his hands up. “I’ve learned it. I
realise it. I won’t do it again. Can I go now?”

“Oh, if only it were that simple, dear boy,” Navi says.

“Questions?” Tinsel asks.

Everyone goes to speak at the same time.

She holds up the wand. “One at a time, please.”

Hugo goes first. “If your job is to ensure that everyone has
the happiest Christmas they can have, where were you on Christmas Eve two years
ago when my parents’ car hit black ice and skidded across the road, down a
ravine, and into a river?”

Tinsel’s face softens as she looks at him. “We’re just
elves, Hugo. We can’t interfere with fate.”

Hugo is trying to hide the fact that his eyes have filled up
with tears. Emily puts an arm around him.

“I don’t understand,” Joe says. “I haven’t done anything.”

“Me neither,” I say.

“Your first lesson is to acknowledge and admit your
mistakes. We should have done it today but things have overrun now, we’ll have
to have it in the morning instead.”

“I know what I’ve done, but I was just having a laugh,” Luke
says. “I haven’t caused any harm. I haven’t ruined anyone’s Christmas.”

“Thoughtless actions, Luke,” Tinsel says. “To you it might
be just having a laugh, but you haven’t thought about how it might affect
others.”

“None of that explains why you’ve kidnapped us in the middle
of the night and dressed us up as bloody elves,” Joe says.

“There’s no other way,” Navidad says. “We couldn’t just walk
up to you on the street and ask if you’d mind popping up to the North Pole with
us, could we?”

“I don’t get why the moose was necessary?” Emily says. “Or
why he was purple.”

“The moose is just trying to help.”

“Hold on a minute,” I say. “Are you all saying that you
believe these two? That you actually believe we’re in the North Pole because
we’ve done something to ruin Christmas? Which I haven’t, by the way.”

“It does kind of make sense,” Luke says to me. “In a weird,
round about, doesn’t make sense at all kind of way.”

“How about the fact that the North Pole is uninhabitable? Or
the fact that Santa doesn’t exist? Neither do elves or purple moose.”

“I assure you Santa is real,” Tinsel says. “So are elves.
And you are correct, Mistletoe, the North Pole is indeed uninhabitable. Santa’s
Village is protected from the elements—that’s how we’re able to survive here.”

“Protected from the elements how?”

“We live under a dome. You could call it a giant snow globe,
if you like. It creates its own weather system; therefore, we are not
vulnerable to the usual elements that would affect someone coming to the North
Pole.”

“There are expeditions here all the time. If you live under
a giant snow globe, how come no one has ever seen it?” I counter.

“That’s thanks to a little bit of Christmas magic.” Tinsel
taps her nose with the candy-cane wand again.

Hugo raises his hand. “If we’re under a giant snow globe,
how come it’s snowing outside?”

“Snow. Globe. Duh.” Joe splutters out another laugh.

“No, no, the snow is quite real. As I said, our protective
dome has its own weather system inside.”

“Why’s it so bloody cold then?” Joe asks.

“The dome is not a miracle worker,” Navi says. “We’re still
subject to the general weather. Sometimes in the middle of the summer we have a
heat wave and it gets up to a whole five degrees.”

“Wow, I don’t know how you cope.” Luke smirks.

“We’ll show you around when we’re done here,” Tinsel says.
“This will be your home for the next few weeks, so you’ll need to find your way
around and meet everyone.”

“The next few weeks?” I stare at them in horror. “But what
about our lives? What about Christmas? Christmas is in, like, three weeks.”

“Funny how you’re not bothered about Christmas when it
doesn’t suit you, isn’t it, Mistletoe?”

“That’s not fair. I mean, what about our families? People
will notice we’re missing.”

“Your loved ones have been informed of your whereabouts. You
don’t need to worry about that.”

“What do you mean?” Luke asks. “You’ve told them we’re in
the North Pole?”

“Yes, indeed. They will understand once they get our
letters.”

“That’s nonsense,” he says. “My father will never believe
I’ve been kidnapped by Santa’s elves and taken to the North Pole. He’ll call
the police. There will be search parties and everything.”

“Again, you need to trust in a little bit of Christmas
magic. That’s part of what you’re here to learn.”

I know Luke rolls his eyes at exactly the same time as I
roll mine.

“Now then, we’re going to start with a guided tour,” Navidad
says. “You’ll be staying here for a while—quite a while, judging by your
progress so far. If you all go back to your rooms now, you’ll find some warm
coats and boots. Put them on and come back out and we shall show you around
your new residence. Every cloud has a marzipan lining, after all.”

CHAPTER 6

When I go back into my room, there’s a coat hanging
up that wasn’t there before. It’s red with a green trim and fur around the
hood. There’s also a pair of boots that are red with a white fur trim and
jingle bells on the pointed toes, and a matching scarf-and-gloves set,
embroidered with silver snowflakes.

I realise there’s no point in arguing about it, so I put
them on and go back out, glad to see everyone else got exactly the same thing.

“Now, follow us,” Navidad says. “Stay together, and don’t go
wandering off because it’s easy to get lost when you don’t know the area, and
the snow doesn’t make visibility all that great. You mustn’t cut your nose off
to call the kettle black.”

The elves unlock the door and we dutifully follow them out.

We go down a few flights of stairs—Luke was right about
being on a top floor—and at the bottom is a desk and behind the desk sits an
elf.

“Evening, Elf Wenceslas.” Tinsel greets him.

“Hello, all.” He smiles at us.

“This is Elf Wenceslas, he is the building administrator. If
anything goes wrong in the building, he’ll come and fix it for you.”

“So you’re like an elf handyman.” Joe snorts.

It’s clearly meant as an insult, but Wenceslas doesn’t seem
at all perturbed.

“Hey, maybe you can tell me. What’s white and round?”

We all let out a collective groan.

“A snowball,” Wenceslas says without missing a beat.

“Hah. Wrong. The answer is a red cube.”

“That’s just weird,” the elf says.

“Elf Wenceslas is the front man of all comings and goings in
this building,” Tinsel says. “If you want to go anywhere, you must get his
permission. The doors won’t unlock without him.”

“Great, so we’re trapped here,” Luke says.

“Don’t think of it as trapped, dear boy,” Navi says. “Think
of it as being pleasantly stuck.”

“Let us out, would you, Wenceslas? We’re just doing the
guided tour.”

“Of course.” Wenceslas smiles.

The doors click, and Navidad pushes them open.

A huge gust of freezing cold air rushes in and I wrap my
coat tighter around myself.

I hear a quiet gasp from Hugo and Emily as they walk
outside, and even I am stunned by the sight that greets us.

If you’ve ever watched a Christmas movie, you’ve probably
seen the picturesque North Pole with lots of elves, lots of snow, and lots of
lights. This is it, but prettier. As I stand there and look around, it’s almost
easy to forget I’m here against my will and that I don’t even like Christmas.

It’s evening time and there’s snow on the ground, a couple
of feet of it—clean, white, and crunchy. There are streetlights like on any
other street in the country, but these seem to be brighter and the light
they’re giving off is almost white. There are Christmas decorations strung up
on every lamppost, and somewhere in the distance there is the faint sound of
Christmas carols being played by jingling bells.

There are elves too, small and dressed in red and green just
like Tinsel and Navidad. Two of them wave as they walk past.

“The latest reform group, is it?” they shout to our elves.
“You’re late today. It’s almost dinner time!”

“Yes, yes, we had some starting hitches,” Tinsel calls back
to them. “Not to worry, all sorted out now.”

“Do we get dinner?” Joe asks. “I’m starving.”

“Yes, dinner will be served in the dining hall soon. We’ll
go there right after the tour is complete.”

“Can we go now? I’m hungry,” Hugo asks.

“All in good time,” Navi says. “Follow us first, we’ll show
you where you’ll be working and what you’ll be doing.”

“Your schedules will be delivered shortly,” Tinsel says.
“Tonight you can just relax and enjoy your first night.”

“Schedules?” Joe asks. “That doesn’t sound fun at all.”

“It is fun,” Navidad assures him. “Christmas is fun, and one
day very soon you’ll all learn to see it that way.”

“So are we really in the North Pole?” Hugo asks.

“I thought we’d established that,” Navi says.

“Wait, if we’re really in the North Pole, are there…” Emily
pauses. “Are there polar bears here?”

Tinsel laughs. “It’s not the polar bears you have to watch
out for around here, it’s the zombies. The weather outside Santa’s snow globe
is uninhabitable to anything living. Hence, the zombies.”

“Wait…,” Luke starts. “This is a joke, right? You
are
winding us up?”

“Elves can’t tell lies,” Tinsel reminds him. “It’s quite
true. There may be the odd polar bear or two outside, yes, but there are
definitely zombies. They come up here to live because humans are so unaccepting
of them in your world. Don’t worry though. They can’t come inside the snow
globe, so as long as you’re in here, you’re safe.”

“What about the polar bears?” Emily asks. “Can they come
inside?”

“Only if they’re very clever,” Navidad jokes.

“Oh nooo,” Emily squeals. “I hate polar bears.”

“Seriously? You’re worried about polar bears when they’re
telling us there are zombies around?” Luke looks at her incredulously.

“I’m not scared of zombies,” Emily tells him. “I know what
to do about them. I told you, I’ve been taking a class. Polar bears are creepy
though.”

“Don’t the bears eat the zombies?” Hugo asks.

“The zombies have learnt not to go near the polar bears.
Even zombies can be smart when they watch others getting their heads bitten
off.”

“Eurgh,” Emily says.

“Wait, is everyone just accepting this? We’re in a giant
snow globe surrounded by zombies and nobody thinks this is even slightly
unusual?” I ask.

“I don’t know of any other explanation,” Hugo says.

“But zombies don’t exist,” I say. “They’re just made up for
horror movies.”

“But elves and the North Pole don’t really exist either,”
Emily says. “And yet we’re looking at them.”

“I still think someone drugged my drink when I wasn’t
looking,” Joe says.

“Do the zombies try to get in?” Hugo asks.

“Generally no, they’re quite calm zombies. I think the sound
of our bells soothes them. They occasionally get a bee in their bonnet about
something and start hurling themselves at the glass, but I assure you all it’s
completely shatterproof.”

“Well, that’s comforting,” I mutter.

“Where is this glass?” Luke asks. “Can we see it? Because I
find it really difficult to believe that you all live inside a snow globe.”

“It’s just a giant glass dome. We thought you might prefer
to think of it as a snow globe.”

“As opposed to what? Prison walls?”

“Now, don’t be like that, Mr Wyatt. We’ll show you
everything, if you could all stop arguing for five minutes.”

“Does it ever stop snowing?” Hugo asks as he looks up at the
sky.

“Not at this time of year. It’s the North Pole,” Tinsel
says.

“And we’re inside a snow globe. Duh,” Joe adds.

Everyone is quiet as we follow the elves down the street.
Even I have to admit it’s very pretty here. Snow, elves, sparkling lights, even
the low sound of bells isn’t bothering me as much as I thought it would.

“Don’t worry, you’ll find your way around in no time. It’s a
very small village. And the rest of the elves are always friendly, so don’t be
scared to ask anyone for directions.”

“Don’t you have grumpy elves? How come the elves are always
friendly?”

“Because they’re happy, Hugo. You might not think so, but
Christmas makes people happy and we elves have Christmas cheer all year round.”

I fight the urge to make puking noises.

“That’s where the stables are.” Tinsel points out a little
path on our left. “We love the reindeer, but we do have to house them a little
bit further away than we’d like because they’re smelly creatures, really.”

“Smellier than you’d think,” Navi jokes. “People hear
‘Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer’ and think how great Rudolph is and how cute
his red nose is, but they don’t stop to think about how smelly his stable gets.
The others too. I don’t know what we feed Comet and Blitzen, but personally I
think we should stop.”

Emily laughs at that.

“And this is the factory where all the toys are made. Things
are always busy in there as we have such a big order on such a close deadline.
The elves work hard, but they always seem to be in a panic the closer it gets
to Christmas. We’ve never failed an order yet and we don’t intend to start
now.”

Walking further on, Tinsel points out the post office. They
have a whole building and a team of elves dedicated to sorting and sending
mail.

“And that building over there is the N and N headquarters.”

“What’s N and N?” Luke asks and receives a look like he’s
the stupidest person in the world from Tinsel.

“Naughty and Nice. That’s where they read the case files and
divide the list into naughty and nice children,” she tells us.

“And check it twice,” Navi adds.

“What happens to the naughty ones?” I ask.

“Lump of coal in the stocking, obviously. Although to be
honest, this Santa is being much harsher this year. We are finding ourselves
with more naughty children than ever before.”

“Which makes the whole N and N Intelligence system, which we
work so hard to run, completely invalid. We keep trying to have words with him,
but this Santa is nothing if not stubborn,” Tinsel says. “And that there is
the—”

“Wait,” Luke interrupts. “Twice now you’ve said ‘this
Santa’. Is Santa not the same all the time? Does he change?”

“You will learn, dear boy, you will learn,” Navi tells him
cryptically.

“The two buildings to our right here, one is the packaging
factory because the toys don’t package themselves, you know. The other building
is top secret.”

“Can we go in?” Hugo asks.

“Not yet. Once you have been here a while you will be able
to watch the training, but it is simply not viable for any of you to
participate. It’s a system that requires elves with speed and great talent.”

“What is it?”

“It’s the black-ops.” Despite Tinsel casting him a look,
Navi continues, “We may as well tell them, my love, they’re going to find out
anyway.”

She huffs and looks away.

“They’re a secret team,” Navi says. “Like ninjas, but
better. They spend all year training for just one night—Christmas Eve. They are
the black-ops elf team for chimney-related emergencies.”

“What the hell is a chimney-related emergency?” Luke asks.

I can’t help giggling. “Do you mean if Santa gets stuck in a
chimney?”

They nod.

“Does he get stuck in a lot of chimneys?” I can’t hide the
laughter that comes out at the very thought.

“It depends on how many cookies and glasses of milk he
consumes on the run. We elves might have a certain amount of magic, but we
can’t speed up his digestion, unfortunately.”

Everyone giggles except for Emily.

“Digestion is no laughing matter,” she says disapprovingly.
Then she starts looking around like she’s freaked out. “Did you hear a quack?”

That only serves to make the rest of us laugh even more.

“There are no ducks here,” Tinsel says. “We’re elves—we have
no need for ducks.”

“Ducks are everywhere,” Emily says. “You might not always
see them, but they are always there.”

And to think she seemed semi-normal for a while there.

“This street leads to the elf housing area. Each elf has a
cosy little apartment of their own, which are inside some rather large housing
complexes. About a hundred apartments in each one.”

“That place must be huge,” Joe says.

“They’re very small apartments. We’re elves, so we don’t
take up as much space as you massive humans do.”

“Don’t you ever get sick of the snow?” Luke asks as we carry
on walking.

“Snow is a part of Christmas and we could never get sick of
Christmas.”

“But it’s so cold,” says Hugo.

“We’ll look into getting you a warmer coat. We do understand
that even with our weather system it can take humans a while to adjust to these
conditions.”

“I don’t feel cold at all,” Luke says.

“That’s because you have elf blood running through your
veins, dear boy,” Navi tells him.

“I knew you were one of them,” Joe says nastily.

“I’m not one of them,” Luke protests. “I wish I hadn’t said
anything now.”

“Elf Boy,” Joe calls him.

I see Luke has balled his hands into fists, probably to stop
himself hitting Joe in the face.

Somehow, I don’t think it will be long before those two have
a bust-up.

“Being an elf is not an insult,” Tinsel says. “You should be
proud, Luke. You have something that very few other humans have.”

“Freak,” Joe mutters.

“Please don’t say that anymore, Joe,” Tinsel says. “Being an
elf is not freakish. You are currently surrounded by a village full of elves. You
won’t be a happy bunny if they hear you calling them freaks.”

“Ahh, I could take ’em all. They’re so bloody small I could
probably take the whole lot of ’em at once.”

“Fighting isn’t allowed at the North Pole,” Tinsel says.

“This is the kitchen,” Navi says as we walk past a
gorgeously scented building with warm, woody-smelling smoke coming out of its
chimney. “I hope you all like cooking—Mrs Claus needs all the help she can get
over the next couple of weeks.”

“Don’t think she’ll need my help. I could burn water,” Joe
says.

“Then it’ll be good for you to learn a new skill,” Tinsel
replies.

“Where are the bells coming from?” Emily asks.

“There’s an elf band,” Navi says. “They play on the
grandstand in the centre of the village.”

“All day long?”

“Of course. They start at eight in the morning and finish at
nine at night.”

“God, that’s mad. Don’t they get cold?”

“They’re elves. They’re employed to play Christmas songs on
their bells all day. They only stop playing for their lunch break, at which
time they broadcast the Chilly Chunes radio station from the loudspeaker so no
one misses out on any music.”