Not Alone: Trusting God to Help You Raise Godly Kids in a Spiritually Mismatched Home (10 page)

Churched Kids

Yes Church, No Church,
We All Don’t Want to Go to Church

Lynn

And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward
love and good deeds, not giving up meeting together, as some
are in the habit of doing, but encouraging one another—
and all the more as you see the Day approaching.

HEBREWS 10:24-25

Woo-hoo! It’s Sunday morning!

Opening my eyes early on a Sunday morning after a night’s rest often brings a smile to my face. My soul fills with excitement, or perhaps even relief, knowing that I will find myself seated in church that day. For me, worship and fellowship with my church community was and still is a lifeline. In the early years of my marriage, I frequently felt alone in my faith. Therefore, Sunday morning church became critical to my spirit. I walked into the worship center, and my soul recharged just from knowing that I was surrounded by like-minded people who love God.

But getting to church was often quite another story. Shrugging on my robe on any given Sunday morning, I would leave my sleeping husband in bed and shuffle to the coffee pot in the kitchen. As I watched the coffee brewing, this tired feeling of dread would begin to rise up inside. That’s when my woo-hoo-it’s-Sunday-morning happy face quickly turned into a boo-hoo-it’s-Sunday-morning frown.

As much as I loved going to church, I hated the conflict that came with it. I can’t count the number of times I’ve had a fight with my husband or my children or all of them on a Sunday morning while the kids and I dressed for church. Standing in the bathroom applying makeup, my husband would enter and make some offhand comment that would make me angry. That added to my negative emotions, because I was annoyed that he wouldn’t be joining the family at church. Furthering the stress of the morning, the many tasks of feeding, dressing and making my kids ready for church piled onto my back. It was entirely up to me to get the kids in the car and delivered to their Sunday School classes without help from anyone—and by “anyone” I meant my stay-at-home husband. Grrrrr.

Many a Sunday I stepped into the worship center, and I wasn’t smiling. And my emotions made a further twist when I glimpsed my friends seated with their spouses and children. I would entertain thoughts of envy. I pined for my family to be in church together. I longed for my family to look like my friends’ families. I was desperate to fit in like a “normal” family.

Grace, Grace and More Grace

I’m fairly certain that most of us have lived through the above scenario. We simply desire to arrive at church without facing conflict at home. We are desperate to raise our children in a believer’s community, and we long to fit in and look like other families at church. I know that I yearned for this kind of life for a good number of years. And there were days as I watched the coffee brewing that I would contemplate two questions: Does church really matter? And is all this worth it?

My friends, the answer to both questions is a resounding YES. But when we are living in the pain of the moment, looking conflict straight in the face and feeling the enormity of feeding, dressing and chasing two or more little ones around just to get them to church, we feel defeated.

After far too many disappointments, I’d had enough of the enemy reaching into my Sunday mornings, and I decided that I would not live frustrated any longer. The first thing I wrestled with in order to release freedom upon my Sundays was to realize that my family would not look like other families at church. And you know what? That’s okay. In fact, now that I’ve walked this mismatched road for more than 20 years, I’ve come to realize that not only is it okay that I look different from my friends at church but that my oddity is in fact a unique blessing.

When I surrendered my insecurity over appearing different and also released my expectations to fit into what I believed was the “normal family design,” I discovered that there were actually many of us “oddballs” in the church community. I began to notice and then come to love those who also live on the fringe of a church congregation. I saw people such as single moms, elderly women sitting alone, guys who wore shirts with martini glasses printed on them, and many who were broken and needing acceptance without judgment. I began to notice the outsiders.

Compelled by our odd commonality, I made an effort to sit next to these kinds of people so that we weren’t all sitting alone. I’d gently start conversations that at times became divine encounters. I experienced the joy of reaching someone with love. My friends, we who are mismatched are the chosen who view church life from a unique perspective, often as outsiders. And just as Jesus was a church outsider, you and I are among great company and have so much to offer people— and so do our children.

Let’s embrace what we are and not dwell on what we are not. Our families will look different from other churched families. That’s okay. In fact, it’s better than okay. It’s providence. And I promise that our weekly struggle to get our kids into a community of believers is worth every effort.

Sunday Morning Church Begins
on Saturday Night

For me a triumphant Sunday morning actually began Saturday night. Determined to end the cycle of anger and disappointment with my unbeliever, I took a few strategic steps.

For starters I laid out the kids’ clothes on Saturday evening. I made sure there was gas in the car, and I had a bag of snacks ready. A little reward on the way to Sunday School never hurt anybody! Sunday mornings became much easier for us with just a tiny bit of preparation. I also began to pray for Sunday morning on the night before. Right before bed I prayed something like this:

Lord, cover our home with peace tomorrow. Place in my children an excitement for Your house and love for Your people. I ask You to place in me a spirit of calmness and patience. Place a peacefulness over my husband as well, Lord. Don’t allow me to become angry and disappointed. Keep me from comparing my family to friends at church, and make me ever mindful of the fantastic and unique blessings that our family receives through Your gifts of abundance. Lord, give me energy and enthusiasm to cheerfully get my kids ready for church. Help me to breathe the Holy Spirit into them and to love them with the love of Jesus. Make tomorrow a beautiful day, and let me worship in Your house. Fill my spirit with a fresh fire and a holy anointing to walk out my faith in the coming week, in Jesus’ name. Amen.

Often after church I would take my daughter shopping. She always looked forward to church and to whatever adventure I had in store for the afternoon. These days we frequently met my husband at a local restaurant for lunch.

We moms were made for community, and our kids need community too. Make every effort to encourage your kids to participate in youth group and youth activities. Save money so they can attend youth camp every year. Let’s be the mother who drives our kids and their friends to midweek youth gatherings.

Since making a few adjustments on Saturday evenings, Sundays are now my favorite day of the week—every week. And I wake with joy and expectation wearing my woo-hoo-it’s-Sunday-morning smile with great joy! So can you.

When Dad Objects

Over the many years that I’ve served in this ministry for the spiritually mismatched, I’ve come to find that in general, men aren’t averse to their children attending church. In most marriages husbands appreciate the idea that their kids receive moral training. This is normally true as long as Dad isn’t expected to participate in any way. What do we do, however, my friends, when Dad protests? This is a difficult area in which to be definitive. The diverse dynamics comprising a marriage come into play in this scenario. With this understanding I share my thoughts on handling conflict with a spouse who is opposed to the kids attending church.

I will be blunt. For me taking my kids to church is a mountain that I would die on. I hold a strong belief in the function and benefits of the body of Christ. I’m convinced, without a doubt, that our children gain much from the people of faith. They are exposed to believing adults who love Jesus. They make friends who are like-minded in faith. They gain a community that teaches morals, values and love.

As a believing mother, I am able to be an amazing example to my children every day of the week, but God created us for community and for worship. For these reasons and so many more, I would stand upon this hill with Jesus at my side and relentlessly embrace this conflict with my husband to meet somewhere in agreement about Sunday morning church attendance. I recognize that these conflicts are ugly, hurtful and can be passionate on both sides. But I’m convinced that with God and much time in prayer, traveling this road pays off.

[Jesus] said to them, “Let the children come to me. Don’t stop them! For the Kingdom of God belongs to those who are like these children” (Mark 10:14,
NLT).

Keep your eyes focused on the eternal: salvation for our children and for our husbands. The battles can rage, but with God on our side, whom shall we fear (see Ps. 27:1)?

The Payoff

My good friend Shelly has been married for 24 years. Her son, Rickey, recently shared with me a few words about growing up in a spiritually mismatched home. Rickey is 21 years old. He says,

I have to say that the most impacting thing that influenced my faith had to be my mother never giving me the “option” to go to church. It was mandatory. I didn’t want to go, because I would look at my father staying home on a Sunday watching television or whatever else he happened to be doing, and some days that’s all I wanted. However, because I was forced into that sanctuary every Sunday, I began to grow a love and desire for it. It became a necessity for me. I built relationships with the youth leaders and all the youth around me as well. Pretty soon, I was begging to go to church every opportunity I had. If there was an event at church, I made sure I was there.

I also want to share some wise words from my good friend Martha. She has raised her two children in faith. They are now ages 37 and 40 and are believers who are raising families of their own.

My girls always loved church. I believe that was because of their Sunday School teachers, youth leaders, mission trips, church socials, etc. They all made such a huge impact on my girls. In fact, Heather, my youngest daughter, wrote a paper in college about the most influential person in her life, and it was her youth pastor. Imagine that—it wasn’t me (smile).

All that to say, please encourage young mothers to make the effort to take their children to church, even when their husbands don’t go. I wanted so many times to give up, especially when the kids were small. But the influence of the kind of people I mentioned above is forever planted in a child’s heart. I love the song with the words, “Thank you for giving to the Lord, I am a life that was changed.”

Though my kids and yours didn’t have a dad who influenced them spiritually, you and I were not alone; God sent us some help. That’s why I would scream from the rooftops to young mothers, “Get over yourself and go!”

Finally, I would like to share with you the words of a young woman who is now raising three little boys of her own. Heidi was raised in a spiritually mismatched home. Her mother was a believer, and her dad was not. I spoke to Heidi not long ago and asked her what it was like to grow up with parents whose faith and perspectives differed. Here is what she said:

Lynn, what profoundly stands out to me was that my mom was a true example of living out the gospel. She understood that life was all about Christ. Because she loved Jesus so much and was filled with His love, she constantly poured out that love upon me.

One of the many examples of this love that I distinctly remember from my childhood is walking home from elementary school up a long hill on a very hot day. My mother would walk to the top of the hill to meet me, and she was always holding a glass of ice water. I was teased sometimes because my mom did this, but I didn’t care. I was loved. I felt loved, because no other mom did this for her child. I saw Jesus in her because she poured love out on me in a million little ways. I saw in my mother that there was never a question about her love for me and our relationship, because her love for me came out of her love for Christ. The way she loved me was the way she felt loved by God.

My mother was the manifestation of God’s love for me.

Lynn, what I know to be true is that God can right any situation, even if it isn’t ideal. God’s love flowing through you, a believing mother, is more than enough. God fills in the empty spaces (unbelieving father). And it’s beautiful.

As we draw to the end of this chapter, I realize that there may come a time when a son or daughter will reach an age at which they no longer want to attend church. The moment may be approaching when your son looks down on you because he’s six foot two and still growing and says to you, “I’m not going. I’m staying home with Dad.” You can’t physically force your son to get in the car on a Sunday morning. His objection to church could be for many reasons, and this is where he often will gain support and permission from Dad to remain at home. How do we walk through this period and navigate it with love, grace and hope? (I share more about this in Appendix 1, “Rebellion and the Prodigal Adult.”) For now, from one mom to another, be encouraged. Every effort, all the conflict and stress, all those feelings of being an oddball are worth it. A life lived for Christ is always worth the cost. Live in grace and let go of your preconceived expectations of Sunday mornings, and celebrate your nonconformist family. Dwell in the perfect grace and peace of our great God. Let His love fill in the empty spaces for you and your children.

Discovery

Mom, let this chapter encourage you as you live in the body of Christ. With all the church’s imperfections, God still works miracles in and through His people. I also will ask you again to extend grace. There are Sundays when it’s appropriate for you to skip church to spend time with your husband or to do things as a family. But keep Sunday morning church with the kids a consistent and high priority. As the Scriptures tell us, “Let us … not give up meeting together” (Heb. 10:24-25), because it’s beautiful in the Lord’s house.