Not His Kiss to Take (39 page)

“
Then…what the hell, Ev? I don’t even know why we’re here.” Jamie reluctantly slid his hand inside Evan’s. “I don’t know why you up and wanted to move in the first place, not really, and don’t think I’m falling for that crap you told me, about why we’re here in Berkeley when I can’t even afford the parking, let alone the tuition. And don’t go telling me it’s because you want to take some stupid course and this is the only place that offers Advanced Arguing as a Second Language. What’s really going on?” Jamie’s throat and cheeks began to turn that pretty red, but once again, with strong emotion, not anything to do with embarrassment. He swallowed hard. “Are you…changing your mind? About us?”

Jamie, Jamie
. Still seemed to have some lingering little weeds of mistrust Evan needed to pluck out. “No, angel, not changing my mind at all. In fact my mind’s more made up than it ever was.” Evan towed Jamie along to the doors leading out onto the nice deck. “Let’s go outside. Even you’ll have to admit that there’s one thing to like about this place—the view, if nothing else.” Better be great for the kind of rent he was paying.

The deck wasn’t very big, but yes, that view—oh yeah. Stunning. Jamie sucked it all in. They both hung their arms off the damp railing and dangled their hands. Endlessly impatient Jamie showed some remarkable reserve, and if it weren’t for the twitchy feet, Evan would think he’d calmed right down. “Berkeley’s a good school. One of the best,” Evan began, “and it has a great mathematics department.” Just about knocked his socks off when Evan discovered Jamie had excelled at honors math in high school and wanted to get his degree before maybe one day becoming a teacher.

But math!
On purpose.
God.

“
Math’s math. I’d get the same answers to the same questions no matter where I studied. We could just as easily stay in Spokane.”

“
But Spokane’s not in California. And don’t worry; I’m pretty sure they sell Krispy Kreme doughnuts here as well.”

“
Very funny, Evan. And I’ll have you know those doughnuts are the only thing getting me through the grease withdrawal.” Jamie managed a brief smile. “What’s the big deal with California? Planning to break into acting or something? You could. You’re much hotter than that Dr. Oz everyone loves so much.”

“
Now who’s being funny?” Evan smirked. He couldn’t stretch his imagination to even ponder that crazy idea. “California has the one thing that can’t be found anywhere else in the world.”

“
Tar pits?”

“
No.”

“
The San Andreas Fault?”

“
Aside from that.”

“
How many guesses do I get?”

“
None, smartass. I’m talking about your Aunt Angelina.”

Jamie’s head snapped around so fast Evan would have to check him later for whiplash. “What?”

“
Between the two of us, it seems she’s the only family we’ve got who’s worth a damn. I figured maybe you’d like to live a little closer to her.” Not to mention Evan was dying to meet the tequila-drinking, gun-toting dynamo he’d heard so much about. “But not too close. She’ll have to phone first before dropping by, won’t she?” An hour-and-a-half drive sounded just right. “She doesn’t really have that big of a gun collection, does she?”

Jamie shook his head. “But, Evan, what about you? Your friends? Your parents?”

Time had finally, mercifully, begun to dull that hurt a little. “My parents will never accept what I am. They can’t see past the gay to look at anything else, all the other things I am or could be. Kinda time I moved on. I’m done chasing after the love they can’t give me.”

“
Yeah, well, if they can’t see how great you are, they’re both dicks.” Although the words were sassy, Jamie wore a frown. Then he slid along the railing and butted up against Evan, so close the proximity gave him shivers of anticipation. “They should be proud of you. Should be bragging to everyone within earshot how great their son is.” Winding a hand around the back of Evan’s neck and fitting himself even closer, Jamie kissed him. Evan’s eyes fell closed, and the lingering hurt dissolved into the thrill of having those soft lips on his.

“
Thanks, angel,” Evan whispered when they broke apart.

Jamie went to back away, but Evan grabbed him by a belt loop and tugged him back. Gave him another kiss, long, hard, and deep, and when he had Jamie breathless and pliant, let him go.

“
Bastard,” Jamie grumbled, adjusting the fit of his jeans.

“
Want to go back inside and test out the structural integrity of that couch?”

Apparently so—Jamie’s breath did that little hitchy thing he did when he got aroused. Evan loved hearing that sound. Then Jamie straightened and squared his shoulders. Shoot—the storm still had a little thunder left in it. “Not so fast, mister,” Jamie said, backing away from temptation. “I still have a few questions.”

Of course he did. Evan didn’t expect to get off the hook that easy. “Ask away.”

“
What’s in it for you?”

Everything?
“I don’t know what you mean.”

“
Moving here. What’s in it for you? I mean, yeah, it’s good for me, but what about you?”

“
Can’t I just want what’s best for you?”

Jamie looked stricken, like Evan had just smacked him in the face. “No.”

Maybe it was their age difference, or maybe just a Jamie thing, but Evan really needed a Jamie manual if he was ever going to understand him. “Let’s go back inside, and I’ll explain everything.”

“
You better.”

This time, Jamie wouldn’t hold his hand. Ah well, there’d be time for that later. They were both tired from the drive anyway, and Jamie would undoubtedly be starving. With his fast metabolism, he was
always
hungry and incorrectly thought just because they were traveling, he’d get to eat crap with enough salt to open a mine. Ha—no. McDonald’s hamburgers did not make up one or two of the four food groups, no matter what he claimed.

Despite the stark lines and scratchy-looking texture, the couch was surprisingly comfortable. And white. They’d never be able to make out on it. Damn. Instead of Jamie taking the spot next to him on the couch, as soon as Evan sat and got comfortable, Jamie climbed on his lap, straddled him, and got right in his face. Okay, hot young guy on lap—worse distraction than the view.

“
Talk,” Jamie ordered. His voice had gone low. Sexy as hell too.

Evan squirmed and tried to reposition his suddenly hard cock. “Be easier to talk if you’d get off me.” But, no, not Jamie. That’d be too easy. But he backed up a little, enough so their cocks weren’t getting intimately reacquainted. Better. “I know this might come as a shock to you, but sometimes people do things like this—even big things,
huge
things—for people they care about.”

“
But, Ev, your whole life—”

“
My whole life isn’t worth shit.”

“
That’s not true!”

“
Yes it is.”

The familiar stubbornness was back on Jamie’s face, and in spades.

“
But I intend to fix that. This is just a start. And making you happy makes me happy.”

Those furrows between Jamie’s brows were going to need Botox soon if he kept frowning like that. “I can’t be your whole world, Evan.”

Ah, Jamie.
Wise beyond your years.
“I know that, love.” It hit him sometimes, how lucky he was. Like right now. His breath did one of Jamie’s special little hitchy-catches. Evan reached up to caress Jamie’s cheek and run a thumb over that little scar on his lip. Most definitely a good spot for kisses. “This move is going to be good for me. I’m really looking forward to it, actually. I’m so excited I feel like a kid getting a present I never thought I’d ever get. So honestly, my doing this for you is quite selfish in a way, because I’m also giving myself the gift of a second chance.”

Jamie huffed. After a moment, he said, “You suck. How am I supposed to argue with you now?”

Evan chuckled. He couldn’t help it. “You can’t. Wow—I think I just gave myself another present.”

“
Dick.” His sneer plainly said he’d rather be using a different word. “You sure?”

“
Yes.”

“
Just like that? What happened to the mentoring thing and getting-abused-by-mean-old-ladies-doing-the-home-visit thing?”

Closing his eyes for a second, Evan sank into the cushioned back. His clever boy would never understand. Evan had been hoping this topic wouldn’t crop up just yet, that he could slide by a little longer. Damned Jamie—Evan should’ve known he’d never be able to hide anything from him. Or himself. A little knot of pain tugged over his sternum, his heart breaking a little. “I—” Christ, felt like his throat was swelling closed. “I don’t deserve the honor. I don’t deserve to be a doctor anymore.”

Jamie’s mouth actually fell open. Stunned, he stared with those huge blue eyes wide and unblinking.

He swallowed back the pain, the shame.
Maybe when dreams break, they take a piece of your soul with them?
“I broke my vows, angel. I meant every word when I said them, I swore with all my heart. I promised to do no harm—”

“
What harm? Who did you possibly harm? Bullshit! There’s no way you would ever harm—”

“
Shh, please. Let me get it out. Please. Just…let me say it.”

For once, Jamie relented. He didn’t like doing it and bit his bottom lip to zip it.

“
I behaved…unethically. I broke a physician’s most sacred trust. And worse, I’d do it again even if I got the chance to go back in time and change things, or if I were granted one of your special do-overs. For what I got, the prize of a lifetime, I’d do it all over again. And that’s why I don’t deserve to be a doctor anymore.” Finally telling Jamie didn’t make Evan feel any better, didn’t fill up the hollow space inside where that part of him used to live.

It wasn’t until Jamie leaned forward and kissed a tear from the corner of his eye did Evan realize one leaked out.
What the hell? I prepared myself for this. I had it under control.
So he wouldn’t see Jamie’s concern—something he didn’t deserve—he closed his eyes. Lips, then fingers, brushed away the last of the wetness. Those wonderful lips, warm and lush, touched Evan’s for a second, a sweet kiss.

“
What did you do that you think was unethical? Who do you think you harmed?”

How could he not know? Evan forced himself to open his eyes and look Jamie right in his. “You.”

“
Me?
”

“
Yes, you. You were my patient, under my care. There’s a certain expectation there, that the patient’s needs come first. From the minute I took you out of that bar, a trust was formed between us, a pact, a doctor-patient relationship. And I broke it. All the things I did—right from the very beginning—not taking you to a hospital, taking you home instead, touching you inappropriately, having a relationship with you, not helping you work through the assault, all that time, every minute, I acted unethically.”

Jamie’s stunned expression hadn’t changed. “That’s—”

“
True.”

“
Ridiculous.”

“
It’s not.” Evan knew Jamie could not see it, that he’d fight the truth. Except…he appeared to be thinking it over. With his mouth shut. Amazing.

A minute passed while Jamie thought it over and his weight made Evan’s thighs go numb. “So,” Jamie finally said, not huffy, not sadly. Evan didn’t know how to read that tone. “You’ve been carrying that guilty conscience around since…when? Since that first night we went to bed together?”

“
Longer,” Evan croaked, and then swallowed. “Since…the first night we met. You even called me on it because you saw—you knew it aroused me when I touched you. You called me disgusting. And you were right.”

Jamie slid off his lap and parked his butt on the coffee table. He dangled his hands between his legs for a moment. He shook the messy hair that had finally grown back long enough to get a good handful and then…finally…let out that huffy breath. “Christ, Evan. No wonder you get migraines. You’re wound so tight, all that pressure has to go somewhere, and it tries escaping out the top of your head, only it can’t get out.”