Not Yet (8 page)

Meeting Evie made me think of those kids at my school
that I’d never given a second thought too. The ones that were
“special.” I wasn’t mean to them, but I made no real effort to get
to know them or help them. Just because you didn’t bully someone,
it didn’t make it okay when you looked the other way. Damn—every
thought in my head was becoming, ‘What would Emma think?’ ‘What
would Emma say?’ It was like she was becoming my moral compass. And
it felt totally right.

“She calls me Land.” Dean had finally arrived at the
lake, and we were waiting on Ricky and Jon to get off of work. Emma
was spending her day off with her sister and I was spending mine
obsessing over Emma.

“You sound like a pussy, you know that?” Dean
snickered and threw a rock in the lake with a loud plop, missing
completely in his attempt to skip it along the surface.

I punched him in the arm. “Shut the fuck up.”

“
Meow
. Man, she’s gotten you all worked up.
You kissed her yet?”

How could I even try to explain kissing Emma? I
wouldn’t. Dean would never get it. The feeling of her soft lips and
warm mouth opening up to me. The way she whimpered. She fucking
whimpered. I did that. I made her make a sound so vulnerable, so
sexy… I’d never wanted a girl like I wanted her. When we separated,
I had to think about old Aggie as quickly as possible. I was out of
control around her. Wanting more from her. Needing to touch her.
Hold her. And…

Shit
.

Okay… The time Aunt Agnes visited for Thanksgiving
without remembering to pack her mustache bleaching cream or
tweezers… Yup, that worked nicely.

Dean was right about one thing. This girl had gotten
to me. I was in so much trouble.

***

I MET TREVOR’S mom while I was working with his
sister on swim stroke development. I watched many families at the
pool during my hours in the guard chair. I could spot a mom whose
child had disabilities a mile away.

Always standing alone, watching her child
carefully—afraid to look away for even a minute. She usually didn’t
have many friends and she generally kept to herself. She was used
to other kids being scared of her child or making fun of him or
her. She was also tired of the look of sympathy other moms gave her
as they watched her special needs child navigate the world around
him. Oh, yes, I knew Carol before I ever met her son. She was my
people, and I knew we would connect and be comfortable around one
another.

Trevor never had a swim lesson due to his autism. His
fear of the water and inability to speak kept other instructors
from feeling comfortable enough to work with him. So, when I
offered to help him, Carol was ecstatic—and terrified. With his
skinny physique and short blond hair, Trevor looked like any other
twelve year old boy, but he was different and his challenges were
many. Carol told me he liked the water. He was almost fascinated by
it, really, but he was scared to jump in or submerge his head.

Trevor’s true passion was music, and he was often
seen around the pool with headphones on, jamming to the latest Katy
Perry song. I guessed the feeling of water in his ears was too much
for him. Probably any loud social commotion was overwhelming too,
and his music was a calming, constant, de-stressor for him.

My first lesson with Trevor was during my morning
break. We sat on the side of the pool, and I talked to him about
the water and what it felt like to jump in and play around. Landon
was guarding the main pool and watching me work with Trevor.

After we kicked and splashed a bit, I demonstrated
jumping in feet first. I asked Trevor to join me, and he shook his
head no. I asked if I could splash him and he nodded nervously but
also with sheer willpower to overcome this fear. So, I started out
with small splashes and ended up drenching him. He laughed loudly
and splashed me with his feet. He finally let me pull him into the
water, but he ended up cradled in my arms, scared, as we swayed,
and I spoke quietly in his ear.

Carol was thrilled with his progression during his
first lesson, and we agreed to meet again the next day.

A couple of hours later, Landon was off for his lunch
break, and we sat in the guard office eating together. “Tell me
about Trevor,” he said.

“Have you ever met anyone with autism?” I watched
Landon curiously as he ate his ham and cheese sandwich and showed
genuine interest in my interaction with Trevor.

“No, but I’ve heard of autism. A boy at my high
school had it and he was pretty much a loner.”

I filled Landon in on the variety of issues people
can have on the autism spectrum. My sister may have Downs, but once
you are a part of the disability community, you become familiar
with many of the issues people in that community face. I explained
to Landon that some people with autism were fully functioning in
society, often with some social awkwardness, but otherwise could
manage and find success in all aspects of life. Others could be
totally non-verbal, like Trevor.

Individuals with autism often have a heightened
sensitivity, be it to noise, touch, or stimulation of other kinds.
They also can develop very intense interests, like Trevor’s with
music, that consume them and bring them incredible joy and
stability. Landon seemed sincere in his questions, as well as
curious and concerned.

He watched Trevor the rest of the afternoon, as
Trevor listened to music on his headphones. Trevor bopped to the
rhythm filling his ears or rocked in his chair, watching the rest
of his family enjoy the pool water, while he stayed on the
sidelines, safe and secure. I was sure it bothered Landon as much
as it did me that Trevor was alone on this hot July day, while his
family members swam in the pool.

“What’s up? You’ve been quiet since lunch.” I was
straightening pool chairs and closing umbrellas as Landon hosed
down the pool deck at closing time. There were no members left at
the pool, and the other guards had finished their chores and gone
home. I looked forward to this time each day, working alongside
Landon, knowing we could talk freely in total privacy.

“I can’t stop thinking about Trevor. It was so cool
watching you work with him. You knew just what to do and how to
make him comfortable. How did you do that? How do you relate so
well to someone like him?”

The empathy, the sincerity, in Landon’s sensitive
questions was quite possibly the sexiest thing about him. And that
was really saying something with a body like his.

“Well, I’ve learned a lot from Evie. You should join
us tomorrow for the lesson and meet Trevor.” I sat down on a chair
by the side of the pool and Landon sat next to me, resting his
elbows on his knees and turning his head to watch me
thoughtfully.

“At the end of the day, people with disabilities are
just people. Treat them with respect, just like you treat anyone
else. Talk to them normally—just like anyone else. And, this is the
hard part, hold them to the same expectations you hold everyone
else. You may have to use a different approach, and you sure as
heck will need a lot of patience. But if you can do that, you’ll
see something magical.”

I smiled at the look of awe in his eyes. It was a
look I had seen both in student teaching and in teaching swim
lessons. It was the breakthrough. It was the moment of
understanding, when someone really got what you were saying.

“You’ll see that these people you think are so
different and hard to relate to are so much more than they seem—and
so much more than you ever expected.”

Landon nodded and we headed toward the guard house.
He stopped abruptly and I ran into his back. “Jeez. Sorry, Emma. I
just… You
expect
that Trevor will jump into the pool on his
own? You
expect
that he will get comfortable in the water,
like everyone else? You just plan on a different tactic to get him
there. That’s what you’re saying, right?”

Life Lesson: The moment you realize you might have
changed the way a person looks at someone they don’t understand is
extraordinary. Never stop trying to do this.

I bumped his elbow with mine and laughed. “You got
it. If I can teach Trevor one tiny step towards his ultimate goal
of independence in the summer I work with him, well—I couldn’t ask
for more.”

Landon’s eyes followed me as I turned off the pool
lights and finished cleaning up the inside of our office. I worked
quietly, listening to the crickets chirp noisily outside and
feeling more content and peaceful than I could remember. Just
Landon’s presence made me happy.

Once I finished all my responsibilities for the
night, I glanced at the clock.
Sweet
. I still had an hour
before I had to be home for Evie. I plopped onto the worn couch and
watched Landon.

He was quiet, standing off to the side of the room,
and reading something on his iPhone. I’d bet he was thinking
through our conversation. I hoped I hadn’t overwhelmed him. There
was a tendency in me to get passionate when I talked about people
with special needs. Maybe I had really turned him off by dumping my
thoughts on him? He was only a nineteen-year-old college guy, after
all.

Landon’s gruff voice broke through my neurotic,
self-conscious train of thoughts. “Some friends of mine are having
a party tomorrow night. Will you come with me?”

He sat on the couch next to me and pulled me onto his
lap.

“Can’t. I’m driving Evie and her boyfriend to a
dance. Mom’s working, of course.” Landon began stroking my arms and
back, and I wanted to purr against him.

“Well, then, can I come with you?” He kissed my ear
and neck and I inhaled deeply. Maybe I hadn’t overwhelmed him too
much. God, that felt amazing. I wanted to turn immediately and
press against him. The feelings were building in me so fast. It was
a physical rush being this close to him.

“You would rather drive my sister and her boyfriend
to a dance at the YMCA than party with your friends?”

“I’d rather be with you. Over anything else.” He
continued kissing my neck, dragging his tongue from my ear down to
my collarbone. I was about to lose my ever-loving mind. Now it was
too late. I needed to feel more. I turned to straddle him, acutely
aware that we were both wearing nothing but swim suits.

“You are so sweet.” I kissed his lips lightly and
began to rock against him. His erection felt like steel between my
legs, and I knew he was as shredded as I was. He moaned softly when
I increased the pressure between us. It would take all of my
strength to keep in control with him.

“Jesus, Em.” He held me tight against him as I moved,
pressing his lips harder against mine. His tongue plunged into my
mouth, twisting around my own. Landon knew how to kiss. I didn’t
know much about guys, but I knew that this one was talented with
his lips. He may only be nineteen, but he was either extremely
experienced with girls, or insanely gifted—maybe both. He held my
face in his hands and gently bit my lower lip before sucking on it.
He dominated that kiss, showing me his attraction and control. We
both pulled away, gasping, eyes blurred with intensity.