Not Yet (12 page)

“Develop—what? Huh? And hold on—people like that
actually date? Like have boyfriends and crap? I don’t think that’s
normal, man.” Dean’s confusion was pretty comical. Ignorant as
hell, but comical.

“And you’re supposed to be the standard for normal?
Dude—you have the personal hygiene habits of an infant and the
brain capacity of a ninety year old. You telling me what’s normal
is as fucked up as Payton Manning being traded by the Colts.” I sat
back and grinned, waiting for his comeback.

But he didn’t have one. He sat back in his chair and
watched me, with one eyebrow raised. So I continued. “People with
disabilities are different than you and me, but not as much as you
think. I’ve gotten to know Evie really well, and she’s cool as
hell. She’s more like us than not, and, yes, she dates and goes to
dances. She also tells hilarious jokes, goes to the movies, has
real feelings for people, and would know you were a grade ‘A’
douche canoe in two seconds flat. So watch it, numb nuts.”

Dean continued to stare at me, processing his slow
moving thoughts. “Okaaaaay. This is serious, right? With this Emma
chick? I mean, you’re different, dude. Not in a bad way—but you
seem older. Like time with this girl, who I still have to meet, by
the way, has really changed you.”

I paused. How did I answer that question? How could I
put into words just how seriously I felt about Emma? How much she
had already changed me? Was it the first time I saw that beautiful
but angry and isolated girl hold a terrified twelve year old boy in
her arms, cradling him like a baby, whispering in his ear until he
relaxed enough to tolerate the water?

How talking to her about Trevor made me want to get
to know him. Understand him. Help him. Make up for all the times I
acted like everyone else and ignored him or stayed away from him in
fear of some awkward interaction.

Should I explain to Dean that spending time with
Emma, Evie, and Garrett made me think about my neighbor Kevin, who
scared me for no good reason as a child? I’d never talked to anyone
about Kevin, since I brought it up to my dad and he wigged out and
called Kevin’s parents. Kevin never tried to play with us again.
What was worse was the look of shame in his eyes anytime I saw him.
That was the last time I ever opened up to my dad about anything.
Talking to Emma about that time made me realize I wanted nothing
more in life than to become nothing like my father.

And when I did tell her how ashamed I was, she didn’t
hate me. She kissed me. And it made me want to tell her every
thought and worry and mistake I ever made. But then she kissed me
again. And that’s all I wanted to think about and feel.

How could I tell Dean that he just didn’t get it?
That her touch, the feel of her on my skin, time talking with her…
It shattered me. That kissing her lips and feeling her tongue
tangle with mine lit me on fire. That the times we were together
were the most passionate I’d known.

A part of me wanted to tell him that we hadn’t even
had sex yet. But it was none of his business. I wanted to make love
to her so badly. I’d never waited more than a week to have sex with
a girl before. Never had to. They always offered it up on a silver
platter. Begged me to take them. It wasn’t like I thought Emma
didn’t want me. I knew she was battling her own self-control
whenever we were together, but I could tell that was a step she
wasn’t ready to take. And I was fine to wait. It wasn’t like I
didn’t get to watch her come every single night. Or feel her hands
on me, making me lose my mind from the body wracking pleasure,
whispering how she made me feel, so that I didn’t wake her
sister.

Should I share with my best friend that my stellar
parents ditched me once again? Usually he and his family would be
the ones to take me in, cook me a hot meal, and help keep me
company. But this time, it was her. We shared dinner together—every
night. I sat in her kitchen while she cooked and I talked to her
and Evie. Really talked. About our thoughts, opinions, and beliefs.
It wasn’t about football or any other sport. She wanted to know
what was inside of me. If this was what real, true intimacy was,
then sign me up. This must be what a true family felt like.

At first I got the feeling she thought we were
casual. A ‘summer fling’ she called it. But there was no way that
was happening. She was the most unbelievable girl I’d ever known. I
was not letting her go after this summer. I just needed more time
to convince her of that.

Time. It was all becoming about the timing. Time
spent with Emma made me think about things I’d never thought of
before. Like what kind of a man I wanted to be, and what kind of a
father I would strive to become, and how I would feel when I lived
with a girl. When I loved a girl. I was falling for her—but saying
the words… Saying, “
I love you
.” It wasn’t the right time
for that. I’d never said it to a girl other than my mom, and it had
been years since we awkwardly exchanged that sentiment. A part of
me knew it was coming… but I wouldn’t say it to Emma until the time
was right. Because once I did, it would mean I could never giver
her up.

After my long break considering all the things I
wanted to tell him, I responded to Dean with, “Yeah. I feel really
different. She’s… the coolest fucking girl I know.”

Dean leaned back in his chair and sighed. We’d been
friends long enough that he knew I was in way deep. “Ass munch, I
get that she’s wicked awesome and all, but you aren’t being honest
with her. What the hell do you think will happen when you tell
her?”

“I know, man. I know. I just need more time. If I
know she’s fallen for me, like I’ve fallen for her, she’ll get it.
She has to. She seriously has to understand.”

Dean didn’t say anything else. His expression said it
all.

***

“PUT DOWN THE Kindle, Em.” Large, warm hands
covered my eyes and I giggled. I giggled. I freaking giggled. I
think the last time I giggled I was ten years old. But time with
Landon was like a balm to my soul. He soothed me and made me come
alive.

“What are you doing? I’m busy… I’m reading!” Turning
around with mock irritation, I saw Landon had changed out of his
guard suit and was wearing khaki cargo shorts and a white
T-shirt.

He twirled his keys around his finger and smirked.
“You’re not busy… I checked. The pool is dead today, and we have
extra guards on duty. You and I are leaving. Grab your bag.” Landon
walked into the guard house and signed out from work.

“Where are we going? You know I have to be home for
Evie in a few hours!” I crossed my arms over my chest and tilted my
head. I hated surprises, and I might’ve been the least spontaneous
person walking the earth. That was how
Boring
and I got to
be so close, after all.

“No questions. I’m aware of your time table, darlin’,
and I won’t make you late.” Landon handed me my bag and motioned
toward the women’s changing room.

“Okay. Okay. I guess I’ll go change then. Sheesh.” I
walked away, shaking my head, but inside I was whistling and
skipping down the hallway. Any chance to be alone with Landon
sounded like music to my ears.

Ten minutes later we were driving down the road in
Landon’s truck with the windows down and the radio turned up. My
favorite summer anthem,
Cruise
by Florida Georgia Line, was
playing, and I rested my head on the back of the seat and closed my
eyes. Soon, the big tires crunched on gravel and a large lake
surrounded by trees was in front of us. “Where are we?”

Landon jumped out of the driver’s side and came
around to open my door. He wrapped his arms around my waist and
lifted me down. “Russell Lake. It’s one of my favorite places to
visit. You can fish, swim, picnic, take a nap… even read here.” He
lightly elbowed my ribcage as he mentioned reading. I knew he found
it amusing that my nose was usually buried in my Kindle, but I
couldn’t help it. Once I got caught up in a storyline, I couldn’t
just stop. I wouldn’t expect him to turn off a Cleveland Indian’s
game that was tied in the eighth inning, so he shouldn’t expect me
to walk away from a great plot twist. Fair’s fair.

Reading was always a total escape for me, and I grew
up engrossed in the innocent love affairs of characters like Laura
and Alonso from the Laura Ingalls Wilder books and Anne and Gilbert
from
Anne of Green Gables
. The women in these stories were
strong, feisty, and confident. They met equally strong, caring men
who loved them deeply and wanted to both protect them and allow
them their independence. It was exactly what I wanted. I dreamed of
meeting a guy who encouraged me to be exactly who I wanted to be,
and, yet, would jump at the chance to stand up for me and love me.
I had spent the past twenty-one years thinking he didn’t exist in
real life—only on the faded pages of my books. Now, I wasn’t so
sure.

“You know, if you weren’t checking the latest
baseball scores on your phone all the time, you might have time to
read, too!” I pinched his arm, and he picked me up and twirled me
around.

“Ouch! That hurts short stuff! And no, I don’t have
time to read…. I’m too busy watching you.” He held me up in front
of him and I clasped my arms around his neck and brushed my lips
across his.

“Mmmm. Well, I wouldn’t want to stop that.” He set me
back on my feet, and I looked around. “What’s the plan?”

“No plan, Em. We have a few hours to hang out.” He
opened the tailgate to his truck and pulled out a cooler and a
blanket. We walked to the sandy bank of the lake, and I helped him
spread out the blanket before diving down to settle in.

Lying on my back, the warm sun seeped into my pores.
The sky was a brilliant blue and a slight breeze moved around us.
The lake was quiet, midday on a Wednesday. The only sounds were
from the buzzing of insects around the water. Landon sat next to me
and opened his cooler. He set out water bottles, grapes, pretzels,
and sandwiches. I picked up a fresh turkey, bacon, and avocado
sandwich. These weren’t thrown together; they were made with care
and attention.

“Did you make this?”

Drinking the ice cold water, his cheeks reddened.
“Yup. I’m a man of many, many talents.” Landon took a bite and
winked.

“Well, I know you have talented hands and lips, but I
had no clue you were this handy in the kitchen. This could change
things. I don’t think I want you to move back to Bloomington.” I
picked up my own sandwich and started to eat. Landon looked down
and was quiet for a few minutes.

“What’s wrong?” I wiped my hands and face on my
napkin and pulled my knees underneath me as I faced him.

“Nothing. I’m just not sure I want to go back to IU.”
Landon wouldn’t meet my eye, but I grabbed his hands and moved
myself onto his lap.

“What?!? You’re on the football team! And you may not
know this, but you’re mega hot, which automatically makes you
popular with girls. Give me my bag. I’m sure I have a mirror in
there. I can prove it to you!” Landon rolled his eyes at my humor
as I continued on. “Why in the hell would you not want to go back
to campus?” I searched his face for any clues of his anxiety, but
Landon continued to look at the blanket as he talked to me.

“I’m second string. I see no real action in the
games. I’m not that good, Em... And I’ve had a great summer with
you. I don’t want to say goodbye.”

I gently lifted his chin with my finger, forcing him
to look at me. “First of all, there are two weeks left in the
summer before you have to leave. Second, you are going into your
sophomore year. You won’t stay second string for long. Not with the
way you work out, buddy. Finally, let’s cross the goodbye bridge
when we come to it. I’m not letting you miss out on a minute of
college. I had to and it sucked. IU is less than ninety minutes
away. We could visit—” Landon cut off my ramble with a hard kiss,
crushing my body against him. He stood up, still kissing me and
walked closer to the lake.