Not Your Damn Dom (Denial #2) (19 page)

“
I need to talk to her.”

“
Does that conversation start with the words ‘I’m sorry’?” Kat was trying to be quiet so I wouldn’t hear, but I could just about make out the words. “Because if not, turn right around and leave. I told you not to treat her like this.”

She did?

“None of your business, Kat. Let me talk to my submissive.”

My hea
rt leapt, but then sank again. He was probably just pulling the ‘I’m a Dom, you’re a sub, so I overrule you’ card.

“
You wait where you are while I say goodbye to her.”

She came back in and sat beside me.
“You want me to send him away?”

“
I don’t think he’d go. But thanks, Kat. I appreciate your help.”

We hugged. Over her shoulder, I saw Spencer walk in, and a pang of longing went through me. He looked about as happy as I felt.

“Call me if you need me, okay?”

With that, Kat was gone, leaving me alone with the man I couldn
’t call my Dom.

Spencer

Alex looked wary as I stepped towards her. She didn’t know why I was here and obviously wasn’t sure if it was a good thing.

“
I’m sorry.” It hadn’t taken Kat’s admonishment—or even Callum’s angry phone call—to make me realise I needed to say it. She was floundering in the dark, had no idea of what had happened with Kristin, and she was probably subdropping too.

I
’d been a bad Dom by trying not to be a Dom at all. I should have made amends with her before she’d walked out, but my own emotions had gotten in the way.

“
Forgive me?”

She held out for a moment, but then walked into my arms and held on tightly. I pulled her close, inhaling her vanilla scent. Vanilla
—now
there
was irony.

We sat down on the couch together.

“Tobias out?” I asked quietly.

She nodded.
“Either that or he’s still asleep, but I think he probably slept out at his boyfriend’s place last night.”

At least nothing we said would be overheard.
“I should have handled earlier better.”

She shrugged.
“So should I, I guess. I just don’t know how to put last night in the past when it was so monumental for me. I’m struggling.”

I could understand that. I
’d put something in front of her, let her taste it, then yanked it away. It hadn’t been exactly fair of me, even if I’d been trying to get past my issues last night.

And I
’d been selfish. I’d wanted to scene with her, no matter the cost.

“
Any way I can make it easier?”

She tensed, and I could sense her running through and discarding different responses.
Most of them probably included the suggestion of more scenes, but she knew that was out of the question. “I guess we just have to get back to the way things were. Want to watch a movie later?”

“
Sure. Here or at my place?”

She hesitated, then said,
“Here.”

It was probably for the best, without a dungeon nearby, taunting us with its
far from empty presence.

“
Can I see your bruises?” Now I was thinking clearly, a powerful need to check the hurts I’d inflicted on her last night—the physical ones—had taken over.

She didn
’t question why, but did insist we go upstairs in case Tobias returned and interrupted us. Once we were closed in the sanctuary of her bedroom, the cool blues and greens of her decor calming and familiar, she took off her shirt and bra first, then sat on the edge of the bed. “Not too bad up here.”

I couldn
’t resist. “I’d definitely have to agree.”

She tried and failed to keep a straight face, looking away as she grinned.

I cupped one of her breasts in my hands, pushing away the image of the way she’d offered them to me the night before. Of how good she’d looked in clamps. “Feel bruised?”

“
Just a little.” She watched me examine the sensual handful, her face analytical. “I’m okay. Really.”

I took the arnica out of my jacket pocket anyway, then tossed the garment aside.

As I smoothed some of the ointment on the very slight bruising around her nipples, she shivered lightly. “Cold?” I asked.

“
No.”

I tilted her head towards mine and kissed her, hoping she
’d feel how much I loved her, needed her in my life. She smiled as we parted. “Get a little sidetracked there, Spencer?”

“
I’m only human.” I turned my attention to the other nipple, massaging the ointment into her skin.

“
I’m not sure it’s fair you get to wear a shirt while I have to strip off,” she said, as I pondered whether the taste of the ointment would be bearable enough to suck her nipple into my mouth. Remembering Alex’s disgusted face the night before, I decided against it.

I offered her the hem of my shirt before realising I
’d done the same thing to Kristin—giving her the task of undressing me as a Dom to a sub. Kristin had loved it, and Alex showed no less enthusiasm as she pulled the shirt up and over my head.

“
Let me check your thighs next,” I told her quietly, trying not to dwell on it.

Alex ran her fingers down my chest and over my abs before she obeyed, as though she couldn
’t help herself. Part of me wanted to reprimand her for not following my order immediately, but I choked it down and waited, watching the way the sunlight from the crack in the curtains fell over her skin.

She wriggled out of her jeans and sat back down on the bed. I pulled her farther up so her head rested on the pillows and her legs were stretched out, then ran my hands over her.

Her ribs, stomach and abs were unmarked, her skin the same as it always had been. I kissed it, glad to still have the privilege of doing so after the way this morning had gone. Alex sighed, then giggled as I nuzzled her navel. “I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but my thighs are a little lower than where you seem to be heading.”

“
Thanks for the anatomy lesson,” I teased—and skipped straight over the area her panties covered to run my hands over her thighs.

“
Why did I say anything?” she asked the ceiling despairingly.

I put the knowledge of my growing hard-on to the back of my mind and concentrated on the bruises. Last night this skin had been reddened with belt stripes. Only one of them had actually been hard enough to bruise, and not all that severely
—just a light purple already fading into green.

I applied the arnica carefully, then tapped her
knee. “Turn over.”

She gave me an incredulous look.
“Seriously?”

I raised an eyebrow and waited.

She flipped over with a little mutter.

I just barely stopped myself from slapping her bruised ass as a reprimand for that, and instead I ran my hand over the area.
“Happy with your bruises?” I asked, running my fingers gently across the marked skin of her upper thighs.

“
Yes, Sir. They’re beautiful.”

I wasn
’t even sure if she realised what she’d called me, and it wasn’t worth the fight when we’d just gotten comfortable with each other again. I squeezed some ointment out and applied it to the backs of her legs where I’d given her a pretty hard belting.

Alex, being a typical masochist, enjoyed every moment of me pressing and massaging her bruises, though to her credit she tried not to let me see i
t. It was impossible to ignore, and I tugged her panties down over her hips, more of my blood racing south when I realised just how wet she’d become.

Her ass had some impressive purplish-blue marks too, and I took a moment to congratulate myself on my handiwork before applying the arnica. Again, she tried not to let on how much my touch was affecting her, but we both knew I knew, which made the atmosphere a little apprehensive.

I finished up by capping the tube, then cleaned the excess from my hands with the inside of my shirt. Then I did what I’d been struggling not to do all along, and slid my hand between her legs.

She moaned softly and pushed against my
touch, against the mattress, seeking more friction. I kissed her tailbone gently and carried on teasing her, coaxing her clit into hardness with fingertips slick from her juices.

“
That’s it, brave girl. Enjoy yourself.”

She clutched her pillow with one hand, grabbed a handful of the bedspread with
the other, and a quick, light orgasm ran through her within a minute. Not enough to satisfy her—or me.

“
Turn over.”

She spun onto her back a lot quicker than she
’d followed the opposite order earlier, her expression lustful. “I think you should take your pants off and get over here.”

I had to remind myself I wasn
’t her Dom in this situation, couldn’t punish her for ordering me around. I stripped down fast and slid my body over hers, remembering just in time not to use my tongue on her ointment-covered breasts and moving farther up to claim her lips.

She kissed me hard, rocked against me, her urgency contagious. Before I could reach down and guide my cock inside her, she beat me to it, stroking me for a couple of torturous seconds before angling her hips up to take me in.

“Mmmm,” she hummed in my ear as I pressed deeper. “Fuck me hard.”

Vaguely I realised that she wanted me to agitate her bruises,
craved the pain that a deep, hard fuck would cause her injured skin. That only made me more turned on, and I couldn’t help myself. I gave in and fucked her into the mattress, grabbing her ass, her hips, angling her upward so I could take her deeper. Alex whimpered with hedonistic delight and encouraged me the whole way, shuddering into a second climax within only a couple of minutes.

I kissed her back to me, stroking back her hair with my hand. She nipped my bottom lip, then tried to overturn me, to straddle and ride me. I resisted for only a moment before letting her do it, wanting to watch her move.

She was high on pleasure and pain, so fucking hot it was a struggle to hold myself back from coming right then. She took me with quick, controlled movements, using me for her own ends, and I grabbed her by her bruised thighs and let her work herself right up to her third climax.

She probably could have gone for more, but I was at my limit. I came hard, dragging her down on top of me as the orgasm flooded my body with pleasure.

Alex wound her arms around my neck and panted against my ear. When I remembered to release my grip on her ass, her tight cunt squeezed around me again, though whether it was a separate orgasm or part of the last, I didn’t know.

She kissed me breathlessly, then rolled off me and lay half spread
-eagled on the bed, recovering.

We exchanged a glance, but it was hard for me to interpret what I saw in her face. I thought part of it might have been guilt that she
’d goaded me into hurting her again, but I wasn’t sure. I didn’t even know whether
I
felt guilty or elated.

I closed my eyes, and when I opened them briefly, she
’d shut hers too. It wouldn’t hurt to nap for a while.

CHAPTER FOURTEEN

Alex

It had been almost a week since
Spencer and I had scened in the dungeon, and my bruises had healed completely, much to my disappointment. Those few days of rougher vanilla sex had kept my new craving for pain sated, but now the contusions were gone. Would we still have the same chemistry, the same connection, if he wasn’t hurting me, dominating me?

I wasn
’t sure how tonight would go down, but I missed the Dom part of him. The slight but noticeable distance he’d put between us since Saturday made me ache. It reminded me of the first few days of our acquaintance, before we’d gotten together. I’d been so confused by his behaviour back then. The way he was now was more subtle, but just as hard to bear—if not worse, because I knew where the bomb was but not how close I could get before accidentally detonating it.

I decided to make the best of it and impress him with my favourite lingerie. The sex between us had always been hot as hell—there was no reason to think it would be any less so now.

I stepped out of the bathroom and went down the hall, dressed only in my underwear. Spencer was standing by the
living room window, staring out through a small gap in the drapes at the street below. Lost in thought.

I only hoped those thoughts weren
’t in any way linked to me, because he looked tense.

“
Hi.”

He glanced up, and did a double-take when he saw the
low-cut bustier, thong, stockings and heels I’d selected especially for this seduction. “Hey there.” A slow smile crossed his face—that was a good sign, at least.

I
moved across the room and put my arms around his neck, standing on tiptoe to kiss him. “Come to bed with me?”

He kissed me in return, a light brush of the lips. His eyes were
dark with arousal, but I sensed his reserve. Did he think I was angling for more D/s?

“
I just want you to fuck me,” I whispered in his ear.

He
cupped his hands around my waist, the warmth of his skin against mine sending a thrill through me. “Temptress.”

I kissed him again, pouring all my longing and desire into it, not stopping until I felt
his cock hardening against me.

“
Please?” I brushed the palm of my hand over the ridge in his jeans. “I want you so much.”

He kissed me softly, but the undercurrent of want behind it made me moan and tiptoe t
o rub my clit against his cock. As if his self-control had snapped, he lifted me in his arms and carried me over to the couch, then sat down without lowering me to the ground.

Having a ridiculously strong boyfriend was such a
constant turn-on. I squeezed his biceps as we kissed, enjoying the feel of his firm muscles.

We
fucked right then and there, my bustier pulled down to expose my breasts, my thong swept aside so he could drive up inside me as I rode him. It was all heat and desire with no awkwardness, none of the scary tension I’d feared would surface again between us. Despite the lack of pain, I could have sworn my orgasm was made stronger by relief.

Still, there was something between us
. Some unrealised fantasy that fuelled us both as we moved together, striving for climax, yet it left me hollow and wanting once we were done. I hadn’t realised what was missing from my sex life before, but now I had, plain old vanilla sex was just…not boring, because it still felt amazing, but…like leaving the restaurant before the dessert menu showed up. A craving that had yet to be fulfilled, even though I’d come twice under his skilful hands.

Spencer
held me afterwards, kissing the top of my head.

“
Is this what it’s felt like for you all this time?” I asked softly. “Like there’s something left undone? A need that can’t be satisfied any other way?”

He
tensed. The sun had gone down while we’d been occupied, and the gloom of the room around us made it easier to talk—as though what was being said might not be true or real if one of us turned on a lamp.

“
Yes and no,” he said, the confession a low growl that rumbled through his chest into my ear. “That what you feel now?”

“
Yes and no,” I murmured back, tears coming to my eyes. “It feels so wrong to pressure you when I know something awful happened, but I just…”

“
Want,” he supplied, as though it were the only word that could have come from my lips if he’d let me finish.

He knew. He knew exactly what I was going through, because he felt it too.
Was that a relief, because I didn’t have to explain my emotions to him, or a disappointment, because he was willing to let me suffer this?

“
Yeah.” I wiped away a tear before it could fall on his bare chest, as though that would prevent him from knowing how close to crying I was.

“
I’m sorry, Alex.” He stroked my hair, the words so low I could hardly hear them.

“
Do you think you’ll ever get past what happened?” I shouldn’t have asked, but I couldn’t help myself.

He could have been made of granite; his muscles were so tense.
“I don’t know. Wish I could give you the answer you’re looking for, but I just don’t have it.”

We breathed into the silence together, suffering.

Finally, he asked, “Is it a deal-breaker for you?”

For a moment I wasn
’t sure what he meant. When I put together that he was asking if I’d leave if he didn’t give me more dungeon time, my heart broke for him. Sitting up, I stared at him as best I could through the darkness. “I’d like to think it’s not. I mean, I love you with or without the dungeon. I don’t need it to be with you.”

But you’re not letting yourself be you. Not completely. And I feel like you’re not letting
me be me, either.
I left that thought unsaid. It just wouldn’t leave my lips.

Now he was staring at me, too. It was almost funny, the way we were straining to see each other through the darkness. He reached over his head
to switch on the lamp on the side table. “You mean that?”

“
Of course I do! Sex isn’t the most important part of a relationship. Okay, so it’s pretty damn important, but—”

“
Not that. The other thing you said.”

I had to replay it in my mind before it came to me that I
’d used the L word. It had just slipped out. Did I love him? The mere thought of being without him made me sick to my stomach, and despite the complications between us, I treasured his company.

“
I love you,” I said again, a little guardedly. How would he take this? “Sorry for putting that into our angsty conversation.”

He kissed me hard, pulling me so close I had to gasp for breath. As he loosened his grip apologetically, I laughed.
“I guess that’s a good thing, huh?”

“
Pretty girl, you have no idea how fucking happy that makes me.” He brushed my hair out of my eyes with a smile.

“
But you’re way too macho to say it back,” I teased, unable to help myself.

Spencer inclined his head, then rolled his eyes.
“I’m not the mushy type, all right? I love you, but don’t spread it around or I’ll lose all my street cred.”

I grinned like an idiot and buried my face in his neck. How had the conversation gone from so much pain and unease to declarations of love so quickly?

Not that it had solved anything. Our problems hadn’t gone away. But after hearing him say he loved me, all I wanted to do was bask in the glow. Ruining the mood now was out of the question.

Besides, the second Spencer got too defensive he’d shut down the conversation. I needed a way to get the upper hand in some way he couldn’t overturn me, and as I lay there, enjoying the warmth of his skin, a plan began to form.

He wasn’t going to like it. Not at all. But it had potential, and I would only be doing it because I loved him…

* * * *

Spencer

I woke up with a vague sense that something wasn’t quite right. Something about the placement of my arms…

I tried to rub my hand over my eyes, but couldn
’t. My wrist was caught up in something. Wait…make that both my wrists.

“
Alexandra, if you’ve tied me to the bed, I’m going to kill you.”

A giggle was my only answer, and it brought me all the way into wakefulness. She fucking had, too
. She’d buckled the leather wrist cuffs around both of my wrists and secured them to the headboard with double ended G-clips without waking me. I yanked at the restraints, but already knew I couldn’t get free. I’d bought this equipment myself, and it was sturdy.

Holy fuck, she
’d tied my ankles, too. How had she moved me without me waking? I must have slept deeper last night than I’d thought.

When I got free, I was going to punish the hell out of
Alex.

“
Let me out of these right now, you hear me?”

She came to stand in my line of sight,
wearing one of my T-shirts and her underwear, the way she did every morning after she slept over at my place. This wasn’t a seduction—I knew that the moment I saw her.

She seated
herself between my spread legs, on top of the sheet she’d draped over my lower body. I growled with impatience and tugged at the cuffs again.

Alex shook her head.
“What, you can dish out the bondage but you can’t take it?”

I glowered at her.
“I shouldn’t have to take it. I’m the Dom.”

“
Are you?” she asked quietly.

H
er reasons for restraining me smashed into my conscious mind like a dropped wineglass, splintering and obliterating any residual morning drowsiness. This…was not gonna be a fun conversation.

“
Just uncuff me, Alex. Please.”

Even the so-called magic word wasn
’t enough to sway her. “I want to talk to you properly, without you pretending the conversation is over.”

“
You could have asked.”

“
And you would have shut me down. Or distracted me with kisses. Or something.” She sighed. “Spencer, I want you to be my Dom.”

“
And this is the way you’re showing it? Do I have to explain the concept of a Dom to you?” Behind my anger, a lead weight pressed down on my heart. This conversation had come about way sooner than I’d expected.

“
If you promise to give us a shot—a real shot as Dom and sub—then I’ll uncuff you right now. Otherwise, we need to talk this out and come to some kind of a conclusion.” She hugged her knees and watched me carefully, as though expecting me to have to safeword.

I closed my eyes and resigned myself to the reality of the present moment. No matter what I wanted, I couldn
’t run from this.
Literally
couldn’t run. “Just say what you want to say.”

She shifted on the bed, putting on
e hand out to rest on my thigh. Her body heat seeped through the thin sheet into my skin. “I never knew what I was missing until I did those scenes with you. You tried to keep it from me at first, but when you finally let it happen it was fucking fantastic. I’ll never be the same again, but I think it’s a change for the better. I know who I am now.”

I remembered the same feeling back when I
’d discovered sexual dominance. Like I’d been missing a part of myself that I now understood. “I know what you mean.”

“
So why are you trying to shut it down? I know you had a bad breakup, but God, Spencer, it can’t have been bad enough for you to turn your back on something that makes you feel so good, for the rest of your life. Am I not worth the risk? Don’t you want to take the chance that we could have something special?”

Her voice was so broken that I couldn
’t stand it. I wanted to put my arms around her, but they were immobilised. “Alex…”

“
I want to be with the real Spencer Hyde, not some pale imitation. I fell for you before I knew about your Dom side, sure, but I saw flashes of who you really are here and there. I wanted you from the start because of those tiny glimpses, and when you finally opened up to me it was… I can’t even explain. Like coming home. Like we were fated or something, and I don’t even believe in all that soulmate crap.”

Remembering how
right it had felt to have her obey my orders, fully embracing her submissive side for the first time, I swallowed past the lump in my throat. If I didn’t get a hold on my emotions, I wouldn’t be able to speak.

“
I love you, Sir. And it really hurts that you can’t trust me not to hurt you the way she did.” Tears had gathered in her eyes as she spoke, and now one fell to the sheet covering me.

Fuck
. I was gonna have to tell her the truth. The whole truth, not just some vague reason. “I trust you, damn it. It’s myself I don’t trust. I couldn’t live with myself if I did to you what I did to her.”